feeling overwhelmed

[paintsavvy]

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my 14 yr old difficult child who is self destructing? He is CD, we have been in juvi court every week for the last 6 weeks, he just keeps adding to it. He became a ward of the state last week. None of this has any effect on his choices: stealing the car, running away, lying, smoking, truancy, aggression, threats to kill us... Although he was diagnosed with ODD 7 years ago, we have worked a lot on it and things had been going well until last spring. He seems to have thrown out everything we taught him. I am a sped teacher, concentrating in BD, so we taught him a lot. I feel like no matter how much I do it is not enough. He will no longer let me parent him. Actually, he thinks he is 14 going on 21. Nothing anyone says to him has any impact. I am so overwhelmed with all this that I am having trouble going on with things. I don't know how to accept this or live with it. Any advice would be great.

 

[BusynMember]

I have one question: Have you considered that your son may be using recreational drugs, and I mean more than just pot and drinking? Have you drug tested him? I went through this and I didn't know my daughter was using drugs, but she started at TWELVE (yes, 12). And, of course, she was 100% out of control and, while using, no, there was no way to control her except the cops and being on parole twice didn't scare her. Even a BD Special Education teacher can miss this--drug abusers are clever and rarely show their stripes during the day (more when mom and dad are asleep). Surprise him with an at-home drug test, but they don't work for all drugs. I'm guessing he is experimenting and you don't even know it (which is very common). And they ALL say "Oh, I just tried pot a few times. That's all."

 

[C.J.]

Welcome fellow cornhusker (I was born there - and still have family there). Midwest Mom was right about checking for recreational drugs, and in additon, he may need a thorough physical, with a complete drug screen (could be abusing prescription drugs - even if you don't have them in your home).

You mentioned a diagnosis for ODD when he was 7, and if I've read your post correctly, he's been given a diagnosis for CD? What kind of doctor has made these diagnoses? Is he on any medications (taking too much, taking too little, mixing with alcohol)?

Now that he is a ward of the court, where is he residing? Who is in charge of the day to day responsibility of him? Are you involved in family counselling?

Look at the signatures from the members of the board - Consider doing one for yourself & family. It helps us help you (and helps us keep everybody straight).

So sorry you've had to find us, but glad you did.

 

[paintsavvy]

Thanks for the responses.
Believe me we have tried and considered everything. We started random drug testing in October, he has only been positive once. We do random room checks and have found lots of condoms, as well as home-made weapons (lethal), flasks of cough syrup, cigarettes, loose tobacco (had it checked for MJ) stolen jewelry and CDs. When we try to set limits he hurts difficult child 2 and/or runs away. That is what got him placed in foster care. He is calmer there. I know the foster parent and have a good relationship with her. I have known her for years. She is good at setting limits and he is hiding things from her. She does room checks and has found tobacco, condoms, and money. I teach at the school he goes to so I know his friends, they are not gang members, and several of them are giving him good advice. He leaves the school several times a day and doesn't mind getting caught, spends most of his time in ISS. It is helpful that all the staff know me and are willing to help as much as possible, he is just resisting everything from everyone. Yes, I even tried giving him some space. It is one of those situations where if you give an inch they take a mile. When allowed to stay with friends he refuses to come home. He is good at saying what he thinks people want to hear and can sound very sincere, but I think he is trying to create a situation where people will look the other way. He was suspended from school for possession of tobacco (3rd time) and was to stay at the probation office, they couldn't keep him there. He disappeared on them 3 times in 2 days, didn't go at all one day even though I watched him enter the building. He can be honest when it serves his purpose, and calmly explained to his team his shoplifting methods. He has had a drug evaluation and has been in counseling for a year. We have checked with his doctors on the medications and they do not think they are causing the behavior. I am told it is his age and development level combined with the ODD moving into CD. Based on my training that sounds about right. I deal with most everything lately by being my professional self, but the mom part of me is falling apart.

 

[compassion]

Paintsavvy, My daughter was doing similar. She is now more stable on bipolar medications (Abilify and Lactimal) . She has been in intesnisve dual diagnois (biplar/subtance abuse and conduct disoder Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6 weeks. It is a releif. She is 15, will be 16 next month. Compassion