Someone I once loved very much was found dead yesterday. Apparent suicide. One of my old friends called to tell me and we and few others ended up spending night on the place that once meant us a lot with bonfire and liberal amount of booze. Just like the old times except it wasn't a summer night now, but around 0 F and only few of us could stay a night, others had their obligations and many of the 'old gang' just stopped by. I can't say we were close any more. Once we were but life happened. Life didn't treat her gently, nor did she life, I guess. And I'm ashamed to admit that last time I saw her, I actually hid before she could notice me. I was preoccupied with one of my son's crisis and work and whatnot and didn't feel up to listening her drama and misery. None of us were really close to her any more and I doubt we will be invited to funeral. And anyway last night was our wake for that bright and extraordinary beautiful girl we knew and loved. I mourn who she was, who we were, life that was and life that didn't turn out as hoped. The place we were is one of those high rock cliffs right on the sea side that carry on marks lives lived way before. From ancient times it was the place someone stood in guard for enemies coming from the sea. There was one every five or ten miles with ready built pyres and when the guard noticed suspicious boats, they lighted the fire and when the watchman on the next cliff keeping vigil saw the smoke, they did so too. And people living nearby also saw the smoke and knew to gather women, children, animals and valuables to safe hiding places and men knew to be ready to defend their village if it was needed. Those people, standing on that same cliff, thousand years ago, not so different from us most likely; thought of that makes you feel small. And one of the songs we listened, it was very popular when we were young, while cheesy romantic ballad, had a line that somehow fitted very well: "At one time, huge stones danced like snowflakes and ice craved the rocks." And if I wasn't feeling small already, last night there was spectacular show from nature. We are so south that usually northern lights are just green flickers near the skyline. Not last night, we had a show we don't have even every year. They were all over the sky dancing right above us in green and red. So marvellous and so distant and cold. Insignificance of one person's life or worries; how little time we actually have. And all the beauty and sorrow and joy that blink of an eye that consists a human life can consist. For me it gives some odd kind of solace.