Feeling strange. Musings

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, Mar 18, 2015.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Someone I once loved very much was found dead yesterday. Apparent suicide. One of my old friends called to tell me and we and few others ended up spending night on the place that once meant us a lot with bonfire and liberal amount of booze. Just like the old times except it wasn't a summer night now, but around 0 F and only few of us could stay a night, others had their obligations and many of the 'old gang' just stopped by.

    I can't say we were close any more. Once we were but life happened. Life didn't treat her gently, nor did she life, I guess. And I'm ashamed to admit that last time I saw her, I actually hid before she could notice me. I was preoccupied with one of my son's crisis and work and whatnot and didn't feel up to listening her drama and misery. None of us were really close to her any more and I doubt we will be invited to funeral. And anyway last night was our wake for that bright and extraordinary beautiful girl we knew and loved.

    I mourn who she was, who we were, life that was and life that didn't turn out as hoped.

    The place we were is one of those high rock cliffs right on the sea side that carry on marks lives lived way before. From ancient times it was the place someone stood in guard for enemies coming from the sea. There was one every five or ten miles with ready built pyres and when the guard noticed suspicious boats, they lighted the fire and when the watchman on the next cliff keeping vigil saw the smoke, they did so too. And people living nearby also saw the smoke and knew to gather women, children, animals and valuables to safe hiding places and men knew to be ready to defend their village if it was needed. Those people, standing on that same cliff, thousand years ago, not so different from us most likely; thought of that makes you feel small.

    And one of the songs we listened, it was very popular when we were young, while cheesy romantic ballad, had a line that somehow fitted very well:

    "At one time, huge stones danced like snowflakes and ice craved the rocks."

    And if I wasn't feeling small already, last night there was spectacular show from nature. We are so south that usually northern lights are just green flickers near the skyline. Not last night, we had a show we don't have even every year. They were all over the sky dancing right above us in green and red. So marvellous and so distant and cold.

    Insignificance of one person's life or worries; how little time we actually have. And all the beauty and sorrow and joy that blink of an eye that consists a human life can consist.

    For me it gives some odd kind of solace.
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    I appreciate your sentiment. A few years ago I lost a very dear old friend that had taken a dangerous path that I somehow avoided. Her death was not suicide, the cause of her death was never explained to me.

    She is gone. Her death is a cause for my reflection. I am grateful for knowing her. Grateful that the gift she gave with her passing is that I need to appreciate everything positive thing that happens while I am here.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    SuZir, that was so beautifully expressed. You are a poet.
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Your musings on Death made me listen to this
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  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    "The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."

    T Robbins

    The Ascension Factor

    Isn't that a beautiful way of seeing.

    Love turns out to be comprised of seemingly unconnectable things.

    The piece you posted for us was beautiful, Three Shadows. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed listening.

  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    ThreeShadows, that piece is beautiful. Thank You!

    My friend's suicide is one of those that are easier to understand. One of my other old friends said that considering the circumstances, with her, it was almost like a natural death.

    She was very ill. She had multiple chronic health conditions, most damaging ones being MS and bipolar type 1. But there were also others. Her MS had advanced to secondary progressive and was causing her already a lot of disabilities and progressing faster than with many. And while drugs were rather effective to keep full blown manias away when she got older (for long time she was hospitalised because of mania about once a year despite medications) they weren't that effective (which to my understanding is typical) for depressive side. She was also habitual benzo user that of course caused lots of issues. Her illnesses, benzos and side effects of other drugs she had to use took quite a toll cognitively and that was hard for someone who was once exceedingly smart. And with her issues, things were not going to get better but instead she was regressing quickly. So you can understand why she decided to end it all when she still could.

    Due to her issues and choices she had also lost lots of things most important to her. She wasn't able to work in last fifteen years. She was a musician and she lost that too. She loved animals, was a great rider and dog person, but that too was lost. She always wanted to have many kids but due to her issues she chose not to. Many relationships were in ruins because her issues and behaviours especially during manias. Her finances were ruined, she did commit many criminal acts and caused lots of pain to many people.

    It is just so sad and unfair. She was such a talented and spectacular person before things started to get wrong.

    But she left also many beautiful memories. Me and my old friends will carry those rest of our lives.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Suzir, what a tragic life she had. I'm so glad that you were able to maintain a friendship as long as you did.
    Your note is absolutely exquisite.
    I feel for you. It's an emptiness for a time, place and relationship that will never be again.
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This way of seeing fits for our difficult child kids, too.

    I love this way of seeing.

  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to write condolence card, which in our tradition are rather formal and are usually read aloud after funeral service in memorial. They tend to have short message for condolences and a poem or phrase to remember the deceased. So I have been looking for phrases and poems. One really struck me and I want to share it, because it kind of fits for some of our loved ones we have lost one way or another. This is very crude translation:

    I was a rock that broke
    Smoke that spread to the winds
    But once, Stranger, tremble by my tomb
    For all I could had been

    I will not write that to her condolence card but something less provocative and more traditional. But in my mind, those are my last words for her.
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  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    It makes me want to cry for difficult child daughter.

    I love the undeniable truth in it.

  11. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    SuZir- Im sorry for your loss, your in my thoughts and I do understand. You do write very beautiful.