Finally Lost my Hope and It makes me so sad.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Momnotlivingthedream, Jan 15, 2018.

  1. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    I have never found others’comments that relate w my situation with my 26 yo son before this website. I’ve gone to local groups but they’ve all just been for parents of kids with addictions but without the substance, the kid is a redeemable person personality wise. I haven’t been here for a while and my son is in jail again. We haven’t bailed him out this time and I know it is the right thing to do. My other 2 are not like him which helps me not feel like a failure now. How can I let go of the images of my gorgeous little boy? How did this happen? Why? It is a sentence on a parent and I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly happy again. That’s all. I just had to say that because I am crying and so all alone in my sadness.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I don't know how to take away your pain. I truly wish I had magic words. I am sorry.

    I can share what works best for me. Maybe something will help.

    One thing I do is refusing to think of men as cute children. Life happens and often adults are not even close to the sweet little six year olds who adored us. Take down any young pictures you have of adult child. 26 is not even close to a child.

    Second is to immerse yourself in your job, your house, your hobbies, your partner if you have one and most joyfully your other, kinder kids and their kids.

    Often we spend so much time on our adults who choose wrong that we neglect everyone else who loves us and chooses right and that is so wrong to them and to ourselves. You know you can't fix the son who uses drugs. Torturing yourself will not help one bit.

    I have found therapy and seeking positivity works wonders. Therapy in my opinion is very helpful in learning ways to cope that we didn't even know existed!

    Love and hugs!
     
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    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son.

    I agree with Somewhereoutthere. In addition, I've found it helpful to NOT ask myself how or why. There are no answers to those questions. You'll just cycle thru guilt, looking for someone/something to blame.... which is often ourselves. It's a typical response we've all gone thru, however, it isn't helpful. Mostly what it does is torment us.

    It does feel like a sentence, that's for sure....but we really do have more power to heal, recover and mend our broken hearts over time......

    Watching our kids go off the rails when there is nothing we can do to prevent it is devastating. It is unbearably sad. It was the most difficult thing I've ever been confronted with, I know how you feel. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't fix it and you can't control it. You're powerless.....which feels horrible.

    Do kind and nurturing things for yourself......take really good care of yourself now.....we're here with you, you're not alone.
     
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  4. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    Thank you both. Very helpful and consoling. Glad I found this place again. Ugh.
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome
    And please know you are so so not alone in this disparaging battle.

    Ready your heart and be good to yourself and your other two children. I am sure Easy Child tine has been through enough.

    The pain we feel is so isolating and cruel. This is a great place to share and care.

    Welcome again. Be good to yourself. You did not cause this with your son nor can you Cure it or control it.
     
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  6. Jay80

    Jay80 New Member

    I've read your posts. I truly hope that you find peace.
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! Know that you can ALWAYS post here, no matter if you have posted an hour ago or a couple of years ago. We are here for you and understand and empathize. Mostly because we have been through similar things ourselves. We know how hard it is when there really are no answers why.

    I agree that you need to stop thinking of him as a little boy. If you think of him as a man, then you will be more likely to treat him as a man. Where were you at age 26 and were was your husband or ex husband? You are NOT at fault for the choices of an adult, even if he is your son. Not even if you tell yourself that it is your fault, that if you did this or that, or if you provided this or that, or helped more. You still are not responsible for what he does. Only he is.

    Do you think of your other children as little boys and girls? Why not? I bet it is because they grew up and acted like adults, so you thought of them as adults. It is so hard to break that pattern with our children who won't act like adults. When they add substance abuse to abusive behavior even before the drugs, well, it is incredibly hard.

    If 12 step groups are not helpful, maybe seeing a private therapist who has experience in addiction and codependency would help. Many of us found that therapy was incredibly helpful. I found it incredibly helpful to deal with the abusive aspects of life with my child as I had a rather bad case of PTSD. It was amazingly helpful.

    I hope you find peace and help. None of this is your fault. You were clearly a wonderful parent as you have 2 great children.
     
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  8. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    This might sound odd, but I have tried to remember what it was like when my son was young, in a way that can bring me peace. I wouldn’t have to Svengali the memories like this, of course, if things were different, but I still think it’s the right way to think of it:

    We gave all we could, with hope, to these little children of ours.

    That is one of life’s treasures, without more.

    Another treasure would be to see them have fulfilling, healthy adult lives. And they might.

    But we received the first gift, no matter what.

    And our children know we are here, when they want the second, no matter what.
     
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so glad you found us here. Within these pages you find wisdom, honesty, hope and sometimes a little humor.

    Dealing with an adult difficult child is something none of us ever would have imagined we would be doing.
    When our children are little we project out what their future will be like. We never imagine them in jail, addicted to drugs or alcohol, having mental illness, being homeless, etc........
    When the reality slaps us in the face we stand there in shock. Yes, the questions of how and why will cross our mind but I can tell you with certainty that there is no answer that will appease our torment. One can drive themselves crazy trying to figure out the how and why. Even if we could magically have an answer it would change nothing.
    Accepting "it is what it is", not an easy thing to do but in doing so you will find relief.
    We as parents are powerless over the choices our children make.

    Letting go is not an easy thing to do. While our children are still very much alive we go through a grieving process. We grieve for the sweet little boy/girl that once was. We grieve for the hope and dreams we had for them. We grieve for the relationship we long to have with them.
    We start to see them for who they are. They are no longer our sweet little boy/girl, they are a grown adult. When the image of your son as a little boy comes into your mind remind yourself of who he really is now. I did this with my own son. Seeing him as a grown man with a full beard. Seeing him as a grown man making his own life choices. Really seeing him for who he has become.
    Owning the reality of it helped me to let him go and letting him go allowed me to take my life back.
    I was once right where you are. I didn't think I would ever be able to be happy again. I can tell you that it is possible to have joy and happiness in your life.
    I have only the one son. You are blessed to have other children who you can have a wonderful relationship with. It's okay to be happy. Just because our difficult adult children have chosen to live their lives in chaos does not mean that we have to be pulled down the rabbit hole with them.

    Know that you are not alone in this. There is an army of warrior parents here that will support you.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

    ((HUGS))..................
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    May I suggest that you try private therapy for yourself to help you with you hopefulness and sadness? I have done that for myself to try to set healthy boundaries WITH my son and for MY son. I just couldn't do it alone anymore. My therapist specializes in addiction because that is what we are dealing with - on year seven.

    Of course the support and wisdom on this site has helped me tremendously. It's a long and treacherous and lonely road that we are on. It helps so much to have others to "talk" to and bounce ideas off of. There is no right or wrong answer. We all find our peace in different ways.

    Glad you are here and hope that you get some guidance and find peace here.
     
  11. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    My situation is very similar my oldest son is my difficult one and just went back to jail today. I almost lost a relationship with my other 2 because of spending so much time trying to save him. I am now trying to rebuild those relationships. My oldest is not allowed to come to my house. I return his texts when he is being cival.i have come to believe that by helping i am only hurting him and my other two. I still have days i get weak but am getting stronger through this site and private counceling. I hope that you find peace as well. My prayers are with you. This will sound so silly but i watched a fictional show about a homeless drug addict who had an angel with her to help her through and found myself hoping that my son has an angel too.
     
  12. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    Thank you to all the replies. The kindness and compassion from this group is remarkable. I might give counseling another try. I’ve tried twice and the fit wasn’t right. Tired Mama it’s interesting what you say because my other two have suffered as has our relationship. One thing that I’m dealing With is that my 24-year-old daughter is adamant that she will never have children after watching what I was put through with my oldest. One solo person has created so much misery and destruction! I hope there are angels because with his situation he will need all he can to have any chance of a decent life. I’m sorry you and all of us have experienced this unnatural state of being as parents.
     
  13. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    I, too, am grieving the loss of my 32 year old son who has lied, stolen, and cheated me. I cannot get it out of my head how precious he was when he was little; but being away from me ( he is on another state) also allows my mind to START to recall times when I know he did not follow through with things as he got older, he procrastinated, made excuses, and blamed me for "caring too much" but also took advantage of me financially AND DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE! Where is that sweet little boy? He is in my heart and my dreams!
    I do keep a picture of us together when he was about 10. I do that to remind myself that I have been (and still am a good Mom). It helps me with my grief, because I know I have to bury those dreams and come to the realization that I have been taken advantage of ( along with my family and friends), that it hurts, and I have ro keep seeking the light (my God) to get through this. This is not my fault, but I have enabled him, made excuses, taken up for him, anfd probably manipulated situations to get my needs met. I can't beat myself up. I am not getting a peace plant out of this from people as a gesture if he were to really be dead; however, as I am writing this, I see that I can give myself a peace plant....which I am going to wait until March 16th when he will be 33 years old. I also have to wait to get my budget straightened out, but getting a peace plant on March 16th will be a very helpful way for me to commemorate a burying of dreams, a nod to myself as a good Mom, and representationn that I can & will on....that I deserve PEACE!
     
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    Last edited: Jan 17, 2018
  14. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    Burying of dreams is a good way to say it. That’s so true. I think in many want ways our grief can be harder than if he were actually dead (at times) - every time people ask about him it’s a knife in my heart. Take care of yourself. Buy your own plant for sure. Hugs.
     
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  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have a canned answer that I like to use when people ask me about my son and I don't want to go into detail.
    "Oh you know, he's off living his life" then I change the subject.
     
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  16. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    Like it! Using that!! ❤️
     
  17. CARP_ENOUGH

    CARP_ENOUGH New Member

    Momnotlivingthedream - My heart is breaking for you as I know also EXACTLY your feelings..:frown:. My son is only 22 and had been in jail 3 times already and had been doing great last 2 years. Luckily they were short stays and his last one when he was 20 was 14 days and ended up in a mental ward for the weekend. He appeared to have learned from the last one and he had a solid lovely girlfriend that took the weight from me, but he left her because he went back to his pot and she was a clean girl, who can blame her? So he has stayed out of jail at least for 2 years, but a roller coaster up/down and I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion. Know we are here for you and you will make it through. He has to learn by himself, whatever that takes. My son has been on his own now and couch surfing now for 4 months, moved erraticly from FL to San Diego, then back. Now from Florida to great Las Vegas, which has alot of jobs for him, but my worst fear is that he will wreck there in sin city. I feel despair most days although this site has helped me to detach. It is the most difficult thing we will every try..I am sending you a big hug and tears because I cry daily in my bed at night for my son because we did not raise him to be this way either. I know you are a great parent, can tell already!!!! Pray for us all here too. We all understand your pain and loss to detach from your son. I am praying for a miracle with my son every moment. God bless.
     
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  18. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you so much for your supportive words and comfort. It hurts as you know. I will continue to pray that God will heal our hearts. (((HUGS))) Gstorm
     
  19. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Thank you for your kind support. God Bless you.
     
  20. My heart grieves for you and all of us as i read your emotional post. I've asked why...but i know there really are no answers. I've suffered through the guilt of trying to find what I did wrong. Surely, there must be something I did to cause this. I know no one is perfect. But I loved and treasured my children. Supported them and did the very best I could. I am sorry for your pain. It is awful, and so consuming. I've found some things that have made my life better. I go to a therapist. I belong to a church and the choir. I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. There IS more to life. I am trying not to wallow in the awful sadness. It will still drag me down occasionally, but my head is above water most of the time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
     
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