first post and hurting badly

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by riverrose, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. riverrose

    riverrose New Member

    difficult child is now hurting my marriage and breaking my little easy child's heart. I can't take much more.
    I admit I am emeshed with difficult child. Always have been. I had her in my early 20s and I was immature. I married a severe alcoholic 17 years older. difficult child became my only source of happiness.
    She's never been diagnosed. I've only been told that she's very emotional and sensitive. Her father died when she was 7. He was posdibly bipolar, and died from complications of addiction. My 2nd husband stepped in quickly and has always been wonderful to us for the past 12 years.
    Try is so selfish. Refuses to help with anything. Demands to get her way. When she was little we actually thought it was cute how demanding she was.
    If she doesn't get her way she threatens me that she is moving out. Her friends are mostly low lifes with drugs and criminal records. She totaled two cars in two years from carelessness. She doesn't care if she hurts us. As long as she gets what she wants.
    Im devastated. I didn't raise her like this. I feel like I am the biggest failure on earth. difficult child was the one thing I wanted to get right.
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the internet, but I'm sorry that you needed to find us. Unfortunately, since she is 18 and a legal adult there is not a whole lot you can do. If she is refusing to abide by the rules of the house you can tell her that she has to move out. Your legal responsibility ends when she turns 18, as far as I know.

    I understand when you say that parenting a difficult child is hurting your marriage. I think alot of us here (me included) can say that being the parent of a difficult child has put a huge strain on our marriages and relationships with family and friends. They take up so much of our time and energy that it leaves little left for anyone else.

    How does your younger daughter deal with her older sister? Can you spend some time this summer just focusing on her for a little while?

    Other will be along to say hello soon. Just wanted to say hi, and that I understand how you feel.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and Welcome!

    Firstly - big (((Hugs))) for what you are going through...

    Secondly - How in the world is "moving out" a threat to YOU ?

    In other words, if your rude, disrespectful, selfish and lazy difficult child does not get her way - she says she is going to take her rude, disrespectful, selfish, lazy self elsewhere?

    I'm not sure this is a threat - I think it sounds just about right. Let her face the "real" world for a bit and see how that works out for her... Not too many folks out there are willing to bend over backwards to cater to rude, disrespectful, selfish and lazy - so why should you be?
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I only have a couple of minutes but wanted to say hello and suggest that you read the post on Detachment found at the top of the P.E. Forum. Many have found that very helpful. Hugs DDD
  5. riverrose

    riverrose New Member

    As sad as I am you actually made me chuckle. How on earth is it a threat to me?
    You are exactly right.
    I am desperate to keep her with me. Im codependent. I havent yet been ready to stop this vicious cycle.
    I know all about detachment though. I was in alanon for years and I thrived. There hasn't been a person that Ive been codependent with since my ex. Except of course difficult child. I guess i havent realized it untill recently.
    My mood depends on hers. I tip toe around her.. She has all the power.
    This is a hard realization. I know it has to change. I worry every minute she is out. I dont want her to become what my ex was.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome. I'm sorry you had to be here though and that you are hurting.

    I was wondering why Daughter was never diagnosed or treated? Obviously her father had serious issues and he could have past some mental illness genes along to her. This isn't your fault. There is nothing or was nothing you could do to change her DNA and her drug use and attitude are HER decisions unless you crammed drugs down her throat and told her to be disrespectful to you. You aren't failing. SHE is.

    You may want to post on Parent Emeritus or Substance Abuse as this particular forum is for children who are still not legal adults and it's different. Personally, if she told me she wanted to move out, and she was so disagreeable, I'd tell her to have at it and get a job while she's at it because I was not supporting her at all. Be sure to mention that you want the cell phone back before she leaves and anything else you pay for. Actually, if she is that nasty to you, why pay for those things even if she doesn't move out? If she has a car, remove it. After two totals, that in my opinion should be it. She can buy her own car, walk or take the bus or ride her bike to work and save up. She is young and can change, but you need to stop enabling her behavior.

    Never give in to emotional blackmail. They will use it all the time if you do.

    Gentle hugs!!!
  7. riverrose

    riverrose New Member

    I have brought her to therapists and doctors. I have asked if she has a personality disorder or mental illness. They just say no, she's an emotional and sensitive teenager. Thank you for saying its not my fault. My guilt is almost crippling.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Something many of us here have learned the hard way: there are doctors, and then there are the RIGHT doctors.

    Unless your child was thoroughly tested (and I mean several hours worth of psychological testing) - then you did not get all the answers you needed.

    Unfortunately, at her age, there is not much you can do. You no longer have the right to force her into treatment.

    You *can* however take measures to protect yourself and your other child from nasty outburts. You *can* set some requirements for difficult child continuing to live in your home. Maybe she has to pay rent? or at least pitch in for groceries? She should have some responsibilities such as cooking / cleaning....and she absolutely needs to demonstrate respect for her house-mates.

    Don't be surprised if she finds those requests completely unreasonable...

    If she doesn't like it - she can leave. And maybe the "real world" will be a good experience for her?
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is there a Codependents Anonymous near you? I found that more helpful than Al-Anon, but Al-Anon is better than nothing. Same 12 Step principles. I'd go back to a group since it helped you before.
  10. Riverrose, welcome to the forums and sorry for your hurt and devastation. I share your pain because what you describe is how i feel with my difficult child. Mine is a son and he is 21 and also like you i gave birth to him when i was 22. I struggled so much raising him and it was always him and me against the world. When he started smoking marijuana and making terrible choices i thought and still do that it was a reflection of my parenting and didn't and still haven't handled it very well. You have gotten good advice from the other moms and take comfort in the fact that you didn't raise her this way. This is something she has chosen to do and it will only stop when she chooses better, i am still coming to terms with that myself. So hang in there and be kind to your easy child and husband but most important, be kind to yourself.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You seem to have a grasp on the dysfunctional nature of your relationship. In your own words you have identified that you are the problem....well, maybe not "you" but more "the way you react to the situation". Getting her to the Dr. is not going to change the situation. on the other hand you need to talk through your issues with someone you can trust and learn how to adapt your life to a healthier course for you, your easy child and your husband. I'm sure you remember how awkward you felt reaching out to a group years ago. I'm hoping that you also recall that once you took that step you no longer felt alone. Please try it again either one on one or a support group. Meanwhile, glad you found us and feel free to post as often as you can during this rough time. Hugs DDD
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just wanted to welcome. A lot of us are enmeshed with our difficult children. The amount of work we put into them it would be a miracle to not be enmeshed. It might be hard to hear but the others are right.