First time here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by vligrl, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Hi All,
    Not a complicated question, but how do you all handle not being able to be affectionate with your kids? My son is going on 19 and lives at home and ocassionally I just have the need to give him a hug and kiss but when I do he acts like I have leprosy. I seldom try to be affectionate because the rejection hurts so badly. It's just so hard to remember the years when we were so close and loving and didn't hesitate to say "I love you" and be able to hold him. Are the days of hugs and kisses over forever? It's been very hard on me pulling away, feeling like I am living with an acquaintance rather than someone I love more than life. How do you live like this and get over the loss?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there and welcome!!!

    I have a 17-y/o. She's not thrilled about being affectionate unless it's on her terms (at which times it becomes downright annoying). I'm thinking it has a lot to do with his age... After all, he's "an adult" now (snicker) and not a "baby" (he will ALWAYS be your baby) so he probably thinks he should "man up".

    It'll change. But it likely won't ever go back to the snuggly-cuddly part.

    However... I can send you some cyber hugs! :hugs:
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We just use "different" touch. Hugs and kisses are mostly out (unless he's SICK). But... a back rub, or shoulder massage, or foot massage... well, it's still "loving touch", but it's more "adult to adult"...
  4. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Thanks for the hug! My parent's were not affectionate with my brother and I and never said I love you which is a whole other issue but I would have been thrilled to be told I was loved and to get a hug now and then because if I did I probably would have made much better relationship choices. I know it will never be like it was when he was younger...that would be really weird. I was coming out of the bathroom as my son was trying to go in when I lifted my arms up and asked if it was ok to give him a kiss. Not a good move on my part and I felt so stupid for setting myself up. It'll take time.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board :)

    It comes back. At 18 they're still trying to do the independent I'm a grown up don't need any of that babyfied nonsense. It just takes some time. Odds are if you stop asking........eventually he'll notice. Then he'll begin to wonder. Then one day he'll probably find an excuse to give you a quick hug.

    I'm trying to think of the last time I kissed's been long enough I certainly can't recall it. I don't think I kissed my girls after a certain age either. I'm thinking very young. Hugs with my kids have always been freely given.....until the "I'm too grown up" stage.....then eventually returned to giving hugs again.

  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Hi and welcome. I hate to say it, but I think boys are usually different than girls in this regard. Throw in some difficult child tendences (not sure if that is your case????) and well it's going to be a problem. Our son was not "into" hugging AT ALL for many years and then poof, his upper 20s, he is MUCH better. So, I wouldn't bet on the idea that "hugs and kisses are over forever." We get over the loss by focusing more on ourselves, especially once they turn 18. I mean it. Concentrate on what you like to do and your child will respect you MORE when he sees you happy, doing things you like. Also, you might enjoy quality "together" time with your son by doing fun things with him now and again. Our son, for example, really likes movies and we will watch them together as a family and sometmes him and I will laugh at the same things and that is our special bond. Different, true. But I appreciate this different "togetherness." Also, I sneek in an "I love you" at the end of phone conversations and he is now doing it too!
    And, like I mentioned, now that he is older and more mature...the hugs and kisses are coming back. Keep a positive thought.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey there!

    I am the mom of 3, yes count them THREE, adult boys and yes hugs and kisses do come back. For some of the boys they never really went away but they werent done much in public when they were in their teens. My oldest isnt one for displays of affection but he is also on the aspie side so when he pats me on the back or rubs my arms, thats a real big hug to me. Now my younger two are just cuddle bunnies.

    My middle son is 27 now and works for the deputy sheriff's dept. He is 6'5 and a half inches tall and towers over me. The first thing he always does is hug me and kiss me. My youngest lives 10 minutes from me and he never parts without giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

    They have always been pretty touchy feely kids though. Always wanted to snuggle in bed when sick, wanted attention, wanted to sit by their dad and I. They do it with both of us.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Even if you don't get them as often as you would like, I know I don't.....when they do hug and kiss me it's like gold. We do say, "I love you" during pretty much every phone call, and that will do for me. I just end all phone calls with "I love you", they say it back. Try that.