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tryingtobestrong

Active Member
My adult son is going on almost 2 weeks sober. Doing it on his own, realized again he screwed up his finances, etc. Said he doesn't want to live like this anymore. He is not near us but across the country.
Relationship failed sending him down again but he seemed to have found another "friend" that is a girl and has been communicating with her every night. We tried to encourage him to go to meetings and get with his sponsor once a week. He is doing well at work and should be getting a raise soon. He called the other night and my husband asked about male friends and my son said he doesn't get along with males.. He lives alone so all he has is going to work and talking on the phone to the new girl he started talking to that doesn't live near him.
I guess I just don't understand why he is so against meeting new people, going to the gym, etc. Anyone else have a young man like this?
I know change has to come on his part. He has to be the one to decide to reach out. Just hard to sit back and not understand why he won't take those steps and meet male friends so he would have someone to talk to and do things with on the weekends. I know he had a male friend last year and that man stole from him twice so I understand he was burned by that friendship. Still, he could go to a sober gym and hang out or something.
Any thoughts?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My thoughts are that some people are loners and don't enjoy hanging out with other people. This is not a problem for most. They have pets or one SO or home hobbies and maybe have a therapist to talk to if necessary. I have two siblings who are loners and never like hosting family affairs and their social lives are mainly their family. Both work, take walks and one paints by the ocean. Alone. The other does play cards at the senior center but does not invite people over or out for coffee. I don't think everyone enjoys people and those of us who do don't understand the solitude.I had to learn by talking to my siblings. To them people are stressful and full of drama. Which can be true.

I am self conscious about being so thin. It's not an attractive thin at all. I don't like gyms. I have equipment at home. That is where I feel safe wearing my work out clothes. But I get tons of socializing at work. So there is that. Plus my husband and I have a circle of friends we see a few times a month. It is enough for us.

I always feel, at least these days, that we need to respect everyone else and not project our own preferences on them. We may not understand them and they may not understand us, but each person is an individual. I have given up trying to figure out somebody else's brain! The "why" is not ours to know.

The only time I set boundaries toward how others behave is when they want to do illegal or offensive acts around me.

Your son moved far away. So did my daughter. Why? Who knows. Neither of them are so lonely that they stayed by family. They are who they are.

Worrying will not make our kids get/stay sober or be happy. The person whom worry impacts is us. Our kids don't benefit nor care.

My two cents is to support your son as he is and in ways that he allows. There is nothing else either of us can do for our kids. I don't understand my daughter, who had every advantage, any more than you understand your son.

We can get through this. Rejoice that for now your son is doing better. It's these moments we can cherish.

Blessings.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
What great news about 2 weeks sober! Good on son, and really good HE did that, by his own choice! I think as he continues on the path, he will start to branch out more. But I agree with what Busy said...some of us enjoy casual socializing, while others prefer to have one or a few close friends at a time. Some of us feel the need to be physically close to family, while others could move to the other side of the planet and be totally at peace :roflmao:

My daughter tends to be more introverted and had a very hard time of it in school, constantly feeling LESS THAN. A wise counselor educated her about introverts and their strengths and completely changed her mindset and confidence. We are all wired differently.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Hi Trying,

Was you son always introverted?

Congratulations to him on his two-week sobriety and on his continued good work at his job! That is no small accomplishment, especially for someone fighting addiction.

Though it’s probably true that going to meetings and meeting new friends would be a good thing for him, it clearly isn’t going to happen— at least, not any time soon. We can’t change someone else.

I’m happy for the good news!
 

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
When he was younger, he had friends that he would hang with. He was always so much fun and his friends loved him. As he got older, he changed friends... My son quit football and then got with this crew who would party on the weekends. They were a grade ahead of him and were not the best to be around. They didn't care about school and my son was very intelligent but stopped caring. This group were into weed and booze. The leader of the crew didn't have any idea who his father was and his mom would allow booze parties. My son was a very heavy young man and was bullied quite a bit. He had skinny friends and this crew that they hung with were not very nice to them when they were drunk. I remember him telling me what they did to his friend when he was drunk so I can only imagine what happened to my son. He met a girl then and he straightened out for a few months and got his grades up again. He didn't hang with them as much but then the girl broke up with him so he was right back with that crew. Met another girl and he got back on the right path for a few months. Once he left for college, he was drunk every day he told me. He went to college with his girlfriend and then transferred to another college and lived alone where he drank all the time. He did well in college even with being intoxicated all the time. A friend of mine whose son also went to the same college and who was once my son's best friend told me that her son said every time her son would see my son on campus he was drunk. He turned into being a loner after the alcohol took over.
He moved across the country alone and the girlfriend did move out for a year and during that time he just worked and was with her. Never branching out to make friends. She left and he was in and out of rehab and seemed so happy to have guys around when he would call. As soon as the rehab time was over, he went to living alone again. The only thing he cares about is having a girlfriend. He had met a friend in rehab and they seem to get together but then both relapsed and he ended up stealing from my son at least 2x's. I understand this crushed him and his desire to have a friend.
So he works and then just goes back to his apartment alone. There is a large sober community right near him and the have a gym and meeting place where he could hang out and watch football games, etc. They do activities like biking, skiing, etc. but he refuses to even try it.
All I can do is pray for him. It is his choice.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Our son is like that as well.

He works at Dunkin Donuts part time and really does not socialize at all with any of them or anyone at any of the jobs he's had since he's been with us - was a year in November. He had a guy at one job that always called him but he never went out with him because he "doesn't want to get in trouble".

He's had a few girlfriends but right now does not. He is still texting with his old girlfriend that is a psycho but they enjoy talking to one another he says. We will not allow her to come to our home and I don't feel he wants a relationship with her anyway. She is older and has a child.

He started college and had hoped he'd find a friend or girl there. Nope. It's mostly guys and one black lady in her 50's and he said she's "not his type". LOL.

Like you, I just pray he meets a nice girl. That could change his whole life.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Had to rush off (at work) but wanted to clear up a few things.

We had hoped he'd meet a friend or girl at school - he never made that announcement. So far nothing. I don't think he's ready to be in a relationship with someone he wants to be in a relationship with. Does that make sense?

He seems content with his life.

He is not sober (drinks beer) but has not done pills in over two years and that was his vice. He said he is done with that and I believe him.

He is going to school full time and works part time. He is doing what we want him to do.

In a perfect world he would not drink either but it is not a perfect world. I am happy for what we now have with him.
 
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