Friendship problems 14 year old girls

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SONS GONE WILD, Mar 7, 2015.


    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Hello everyone. I am returning to this site after many years in the hope of getting some advice. My 14 yo daughter started 8th grade/high school this year. She has a classmate who went to grammar school with her who's been a friend on and off for many years. I am also pretty close friends with her mom. They carpool together. The friend I'll call V I'm told has anxiety issues and is under professional treatment. The girls are in the same lunch group and my daughter E has made lots of new friends. V made a few friends but continues to follow my daughter E around and is driving her crazy. I know a lot of this may sound petty but when u r 14 and don't want someone shadowing you all the time I'm sure it's annoying. E says the other girls in the lunch group don't really like V and while they are not mean to her they really don't want to hang out with her. They say she is very "random" with things she says and her hair is always messy and often " disgusting" - E tried to mention this nicely to V but she says she doesn't care. I told V's mom about the hair too and she blew it off. (I know others probably go to school the same way - just thinking if V aggravates them they focus on that) V's mom often has asked for E to help V fit in and she tried for a while but it is not working. Because of my friendship with V's mother I am in a very difficult position. E does things with other girls outside of school but they never include V even if it's a school function after hours. I feel so bad. I continually ask E how V is and she resents me for it. She feels bad too but can't help that she wants to have a life away from V and can't seem to get away. V has a few other friends at school but doesn't "hang out" with them...she just continues to piggy back on E and hang with her and her friends. Sorry this is so long. Any words of advice ??
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome back @SONS GONE WILD

    14 is a tough age. Seems like girls that age just want to be liked and be a part of the group. They want, sometimes desperately, to be accepted by their peers

    Maybe you could suggest to V or her mom that V could get involved in a sport, community activity or youth group that includes other teens. The structure of an organized activity where the kids have a common interest might make it easier for V to make some new friends.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My best friend and me had girls the same age, but they never liked each other. They were sort of forced together when me and my friend got together, but they never did develop a relationship. It happens. I think that V's ability to get along with her peers is her and her mother's problem and maybe she needs therapy, if she is lonely. I do feel horrible about kids who are left out, but have found our kids feel very stressed when they try to help a misfit kid who her other friends don't like. I was a misfit kid so I understand V's mom being upset over it. Honestly, my mother, who was image oriented, cared more about it than me. I didn't mind being alone in the cafeteria or else hanging with younger kids. Unlike V though, I was pretty in high school and made sure I took care of my shiny, nice clothes, make up...but it still didn't make me fit in or care much about the "popular" kids not liking me or going out on weekends. I preferred my younger friends or staying home. Maybe Mom is more upset than V.

    If V's mom is really your friend and you sit down and talk about how bad you feel for V., but that there is nothing your daughter can do and maybe suggest counseling, perhaps she will take it well and be grateful for a suggestion that will maybe help V. If not, your friendship won't be the first one that suffered ovr two kids of friends who don't like one another.

    Wishing you luck!!!!
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is really tough.

    I'm "V's mom" - as in, I have misfit kids.

    Unless a peer GROUP is prepared to accept a misfit kid, any other kid supporting that misfit kid will be labeled a misfit. Only exception is when the "normal" kid is wildly popular and a leader - in which case, the peer group will accept whoever the leader accepts.

    It is not fair for V's mom to expect your daughter to forego her own social standing and social life to support V. V will drag your daughter down, not the other way around.

    p.s. 14 year old girls are... about the worst possible age.
  5. mjhawks

    mjhawks Member

    That's too much to put on the shoulders of a 14 year old. I feel like the other mom should know this. But if she's not able to see past her own child's needs, maybe point that out to her. Also, if you approach the mom with an "I want to help" tone, she might be able to hear you better.
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    It sounds like, by trying to comfort the other mother and her problem child, you are asking too much of your own daughter. I say do not force the issue on YOUR daughter as in the long run this will only damage your relationship with her, which is the priority to you right now. You won't be able to have an open and honest relationship with your own daughter if you continue to "not hear" what she is telling you by trying to "force" this issue. Your daughter is at an age when she is forging her won identity and asking her to carry another adolescences growth on her back isn't fair. Politely tell the other mother that you have done all you can do and you won't force your daughter to hang out with her daughter. (Boundaries aren't just for our children, sometimes we have to use them with other people too!)