Full blown relapse

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by comatheart, Feb 15, 2014.

  1. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    As some of you know from my other thread earlier in the week, my difficult child has gone into full blown relapse. As the week progressed, things continued to get worse.

    Friday we met with the director of the recovery school. My son has some serious refractions against him. . .taking drugs to school, bringing them inside the building (hiding them there) providing them to another student (who is also struggling with recovery) who got high in the bathroom at school...lying repeatedly to the counselor instead of coming clean.

    He initially said difficult child would have to be expelled due to the seriousness of the infractions.

    My heart nearly dropped out of my body. Inside, I began to have a full blown panic attack. This program was not only good for my son, but for me and my husband. We have come to know the other parents during family group therapy. We dont feel so alone in this battle. Plus, where do we go from here?? This is the only recovery school in the state!

    After a bit though, difficult child said to the counselor "What does it matter, im never going to see you again."

    :*( *bawl* He is just absolutely hopeless.

    The director changed his tune and said punishment is now minimum 3 days suspension, 10 hrs community service.

    We all think difficult child needs to return to inpatient treatment, but are allowing him one last chance to turn it around.

    In the meantime, im absolutely terrified of him taking his life. Many of you may remember, last time we were in this place (feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming urge to use with no avenue to do so) he tried to hang himself.

    Keep us in your prayers.
  2. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    ((((Hugs)))) This just sucks. I read your story and there are so many similarities in the lies, the deceit, the manipulation. And it never seems to end. I guess for now he is lucky the school is still willing to accept him back, although it doesn't seem that he sees this for the gift it is. I hope he can turn it around without any more major setbacks. It sounds like inpatient might be the place for him, but I can understand why you may not want to do that now. Im so sorry that things turned out that way :-(

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Coma I am so sorry. I can only imagine what kind of fear you are living with right now.

    It sounds like he just doesn't want to change right now. He just wants to use right now and hang the outcome.

    That is a nearly impossible situation for you to he in.

    We all know that the person has to want it and even then it is so hard for them to change.

    And of course you are terrified that he will try to kill himself since he has already tried that.

    What should you do right now?
    What can you do?

    A plus---he is still at the school at least for today.

    Can you rest in that knowledge today---just for today---and continue to work your own program of learning to let go of other people, places and things?

    When the fear rises, let it come. Spend time sitting with it just sitting there silently. Or lying there. Cry. Cry for a while. Get in the car and drive and scream as loud as you can. Sleep. When you are ready and able pour it all out in writing here or just to yourself.

    One time I say and typed as fast as I could for almost 20 minutes without stopping. It was four single spaces pages when I lifted my hands from the keyboard. I was sobbing the entire time.

    That turned out to be a huge turning point for me and later when I read it out loud to my sponsor and sobbed through it all again, another turning point.

    This is the stuff of deep fear, grief and suffering.

    And of such love for another person, our precious children as we watch, powerless, over the decisions to self destruct.

    I am concerned about YOU. He is going to do what he is going to do.

    stay with yourself today and do at least one kind nurturing thing for yourself. And if you can, one kind thing for someone else.

    Prayers for you and your whole family today, coma. We are standing with you.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Coma I am very sorry. I am thinking of you and really hope he takes advantage of this second chance.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Prayers, comaheart. I'm so sorry. When my son was addicted and would stop for awhile, he said the drugs just seemed to leap at him from out of nowhere. You say no and no and no and then one time, you say yes.

    And no one knows about the times you were strong, the times you made the hard choice.

  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.... this is so hard. Does sound like he needs to go back to inpatient rehab. Stay strong.... and we are all thinking about you.


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  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, comaheart. I am so, so sorry to hear this. Keep in mind, though, that relapse is very common and even thought of as part of the process of recovery. I think it was Nancy who said she was told that most addicts relapse an average of 7 times before they truly become sober. I'm sure she will be along and let us know if I am remembering that correctly.

    I understand that your fear of suicide is much more of a real threat since your son has tried to kill himself before. Keep a very close eye on him right now but you can't let him use that threat to emotionally blackmail you either. There is no easy answer here.


    Last edited: Feb 15, 2014
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes Kathy had it right. I still remember, I was in the ladies room during a break at the parents' day at difficult child's rehab and two women were talking and the one said her difficult child's counselor told her that the average number of relapses was seven. I walked out of the restroom and walked right over to my husband and told him we had six more of these to go through. I was so upset and didn't want to believe it, I was still trying to convince myself that she would come out of rehab and be cured, or at least well on her way. My hopes were dashed when we were all informed about the relapse rate. But we also learned that with each relapse they become more and more convinced they have a problem and closer to sobriety.
  9. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    The reality of my sons addiction is overwhelming me. We have done everything right since he got out of rehab. He's in a highly structured program. He went to 4 or more mtgs a week, he had a home contract that we renegotiated every 30 days and he was earning priveleges back. We were communicating more and spending quality time as a family, playing games and going to movies 1-2x a week. Things were better. He was learning to have fun without using.

    Yet here we are.

    Synthetic weed, Triple C's, Syrups are all legal. His doctor will ALWAYS be around to tempt him.

    How will he ever overcome this with such temptation everywhere???
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    comahead...don't ever give up hope. When your son is ready, he will stop. I should say IF he ever is ready. It is an illness and it's not easy to resist temptation. But when he is ready (I'm going to assume the day will come), he will stop hanging around with those who use and stop choosing to be around this temptation. That's really what my daughter had to do and it was really hard for her. She had to give up all of her "friends." She was very lonely for a while.

    Relapse is a big part of finally getting clean. Addiction IS powerful.

    Hoping you have a peaceful day, spending time doing nice things for yourself.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Coma, hang in there. This is a long journey and it's full of stops and starts.

    He will do it one day at a time, one hour at a time and one minute at a time. When he chooses.

    Just like we do as we work hard to stop enabling. And we're old and supposedly mature (lol) and it's still this hard. I relapse as well. Then I get back up on the horse and try to ride a little further.

    I have heard success stories of younger people and being clean long, long periods of time.

    We only have THIS day, Coma. Let's don't take on forever, as none of us know the future.

    I know this hurts and you are scared to death and you just want it to STOP.

    Take today and do something kind for yourself and someone else. If your mind is racing, take five and write a gratitude list. It truly will change your day.

    Keep coming back. We get it. We really do.
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you. I wish I had some great words of wisdom right now. I hate that everything can be provided to them and still they are "restless, irritable, and discontent".
    Why can't they enjoy the good we give and that be enough?
    I understand how discouraging it can all be at times.

    Hitting bottom and it being truly just between our difficult child's and God at some point seems to be the only way for many of our drug addict children to learn and seek long-term sobriety. I wish it didn't have to be so hard...for them and us!

    caring hugs,
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My son is similar to yours... he will use anything to get high including over the counter stuff like robitussin etc. I think most addicts will use whatever they can get their hands on and so there is always temptation..... I really dont think many of them just stick to their drug of choice, if that is not available they will use something else.

    So part of recovery is figuring out how to deal with the feelings they are trying to suppress by drugs....

    Its a process.... and he was making real progress. Hopefully as he is doing down he will realize what he is missing and will get back into recovery sooner.

    In the mean time take care of yourself right now.


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  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear this and I have no words to help you, but I am praying for you and your family.