Going to be a mother-in-law, again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Jun 11, 2009.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For "normal" parents, this would be quite the announcement, and would be joyful news to share. But I'm pretty ambivalent.

    The boy (young man) that Youngest has dated since last summer, proposed to her yesterday. Gave her a big ole' diamond ring. Now, I like this guy, he treats Youngest and my grandson well, worships the ground they walk on. I think he's reasonably stable and un-GFGish. But there are so many other issues.

    Youngest met him last summer. At the time, he was traveling for work constantly, and was only home on the weekends. Somtimes every other weekend. So, "dating" was a loose term, really. He changed jobs and moved to the area for good last December. He still works long hours out of town, nature of his work. He'll either commute on weekdays (a 2 hour drive each way), or stay out of town and come home on weekends, I know Youngest guilts him into the commuting, whining about how much she misses him. A few weeks ago, he was on a long-term assignment out on the West coast.. gone for 3 weeks.. and she cheated on him. She is very needy, and got very lonely, and began questioning their relationship.

    I should add that he spents LOTS of money on her. "Takes care" of her. Codependent, perhaps. She has better furniture and fancier electronic gadgets than I have. I think she does love him, but I think she also loves the attention and money.

    Apparently the day before he proposed, she broke down and admitted to the cheating (because the guy she cheated with called her, and keeps calling her.. and her [fiance] pushed her about it.) He proposed anyway; he'd already bought the ring, after all. She told me he said, "don't ever do that to me again."

    Sigh. What about the next time he's out of town for a few weeks?

    I should also add that my Oldest got married almost two years ago, and that marriage lasted about 6 months.

    I'm just feeling kind of ripped off of happiness for my children, or of celebrating happy "normal" events. I've attended no high school graduations (Oldest had to do corresopndence school just to get credits to graduate, Youngest dropped out). Oldest's marriage was doomed, and I knew that, but tried to make a good show of it. I feel like this marriage is doomed, too, if they make it to the altar.

    My grandson is the bright spot, I guess. Praying he is more easy child than difficult child, despite the gene pool on both sides. So far, so good.

    I just hate watching my girls continue to make poor choices, and sabotage their own lives, and feel so helpless about it... especially when they cry to me about it. Not a darn thing I can do, though. Biting my tongue.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2009
  2. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I think you have valid reasons for your ambivilance. I know I would probably feel the same. Neediness can drain a relationship dry.

  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm sorry. I wish you could enjoy what should be the happy moments. Unfortunately, Borderline (BPD) is hard on relationships. Neediness is really an understatement.

    I am glad, for grandson's sake as well as hers, that she is with someone who treats them well.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that this is not a happy occasion for you. Your instincts about the marriage are probably correct. Unfortunately there is little you can do other than keeping the lines of communication open with your daughter, and letting her know you love her regardless of what she does.

    Parenting Hoovers sometimes. Especially when we have to slurp up emotional garbage like this.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    From your mouth to God's ear... be careful what you say! ;)

    I hope it will all work out well for them. I was a wild young woman, too, and husband straightened me out. I straightened his finances out for him. We compliment each other.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish them all the luck in the world. Settling down settled me down.

    I am pleased she met someone who is good to both her and her son. That is what it took for me to straighten up. Lets hope it does the same for her.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I can understand your feelings. Maybe the way boyfriend treats her and her son in addition to the money ect will be enough to prevent another affair.......just to keep from losing him.

    One can hope. Silly girl doesn't know how good she has it right now.

  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yeah, at this stage you just have to become "Bobblehead Mom" and keep out of it. My fingers are crossed, Crazy. I hope it works out.

  9. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Crazy,
    I sure understand what you mean about not being able to celebrate "normal" events like other parents do! My difficult child 1 had a baby in November and I haven't even gone to see him. I can't risk it. I'm happy about his birth because I think he is making a good difference in difficult child 1's life but I have to keep my boundaries intact and also I don't really want to know all the details of difficult child's life so I can't just hop on a plane like a "normal" grandparent and go visit them. People always ask when I'll go see him and I have to say I don't know if or when I will.

    difficult child 2/easy child is graduating from high school which I am thrilled about. She had such a rough time of it but not for the "normal" reasons kids have a rough time in high school. She associated doing well in school with the abuse she got from difficult child 1--it had been her escape when she was young. When she got to high school anytime she did well she would get angry and tear up her work or smash something. She felt better when she did not do well. It has taken a lot of therapy to get her to a place where she is sort of okay with doing well. You can see that this would cause problems in getting through school.

    Wow, I should have started my own thread, did not mean to highjack yours. I just want you to know that I empathize and it also helps me to know there are other parents who feel that way!

  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone. My hope is that the ring on her finger will help keep her head on straight. Her boyfriend is a good guy, I'm just worried about her fickleness really. It's hard not to get sucked in by her emotions... crying one week about how confused she is, happy the next because of being engaged. It's a real difficult child rollercoaster... which is so typical, I guess.

    She told me this morning that they are talking Sept 2010 for a date, so they are not rushing, at least.
  11. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Its a good thing they aren't rushing. Time may tell between now and then if your daughter is ready for this big step. Her fiance may also be able to use that time to see if she is taking the idea of marriage and fidelity seriously.
    I'm sorry for your disappointment. It is completely understandable. We all want our children to grow, succeed, be happy and all that good stuff. I'm glad to hear your grandson is doing well. And that you have him in your life. I'm sure he's a bright light!
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I sooooo relate to the not graduating thing. This week has been especially hard for me because the other kids Dude 'would' have graduated with are all a twitter with caps, gowns, tassles from the rear view mirror. Even the boy up the street who lives with his Mom (an alcoholic) and uncle (the neighborhood drug dealer busted 3x by SLED) and he himself suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) - graduated. I thought - well I'm sure that family and that kid has been through enough, so I'm glad the boy did graduate. BUT - I still feel a twinge of jealousy about the others that are normal and graduated.

    SO instead of letting it get to me - I looked around for his schools colors tassles with the little year o9 thing hanging off of it - and when he does finish GED school or gets to "graduate" I'm going to surprise him with his tassle. I've also realized that while there are so many other things I can be remorseful about - I can rejoice in the fact that he's alive (after burying his brother in Feb.) that he's got a job (a lot of men I know do not), that he's healthy (okay we're not talking head exam, but he can walk) and that our relationship while still sketchy is getting better - AND I'm learning to lean on my friends here for support when I have doubts that I didn't do enough as a Mom to make his life better.

    I understand the ambivilance more than you'll know - and I have grandpuppies to keep me happy. lol. (Hey, it's something) ;)

    Hugs & Understanding
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just felt like venting a bit more about this, hope you all don't mind :)

    Youngest and her boyfriend (fiance) are looking at places to live together. Her boyfriend actually is "staying" with her for now, having let the lease go on his apartment. He even moved his bed into her place (her old bed is now in my spare bedroom). I reminded her that she could lose her Section 8 housing assistance if they decide he is "living" there, she basically told me, in an expasperated "yes mom I know" voice, that since he's gone at work most nights, it's ok and she's not too worried about it. I bit my tongue and shut up.

    If they get a new place together however, and her "household income" increases, she'll definitely lose: (1) Section 8 assistance (2) food stamps, which she just FINALLY got, (3) day care assistance, and possibly (4) my grandson's Medicaid, since I *think* they count household income on that? Not sure.

    Her boyfriend makes really good money (spends it too, but that's another story). He can probably afford to support her, and maybe my grandson, although he'd have to completely re-budget his spending (a bachelor making mucho money and spending it on toys). So, it could be argued that she doesn't *need* all that assistance, maybe even shouldn't use it/take advantage of government programs.

    But of course the flip side is, what if it doesn't work out? She cheated on him just a few weeks ago. She cried to me about how confused she was, just a few weeks ago.

    Yeah, "what ifs" are dangerous, and pointless, I know. It's also not my business/problem, and I need to practice detaching. But of course, in the back of my mind is, guess who will step in if they break up and she is destitute again? Not because of her, mind you, but because of my grandson. Yeah, she could probably get food stamps, medicaid, and day care assistance again, without too long of a wait. But Section 8 took her a year to get (and that is a short list, compared to other counties in our area). Guess who would feel obligated to take her and the grandson in? Sigh.

    I told her that I thought it would be a better idea if her boyfriend got his own place, and they saved money for a place together later, closer to the wedding. Is she ready to be completely dependent on him for Aidan's daycare expenses, food, and medical costs? (medical costs withOUT insurance, mind you). Without public assistance, making just over minimum wage and only working 20-30 hours a week with not even a GED, she will be tied to him, period. She agreed, and sseems to be leaning towards the idea of waiting to officially live together on the same lease.. but I've a feeling he will push for it, as a way to keep her from cheating again (subconsciously), and she will give in to pressure for fear of losing him. That's the way the dance works with them.

    Part of this is my own independent streak.. I cannot imagine being that dependent on anyone. I raised my kids alone from the ages of 3 and 7... although their father did at least pay his child support; it woudl have been pretty difficult with out that.

    My grandson's father hasn't paid child support since October, by the way, and is a worthless SOB. They are in the middle of a court battle over that.. one in which I retained an attorney for my daughter. The father has dodged a bullet twice now in court and is NOT in jail... stil hasn't paid a cent and is awaiting a garnishment of payroll in his current job ... and I suspect he will quit that once it starts. He's also about to lose visitation rights, even the guardian ad litem thinks he is dangerous to my grandson, and a liar and a thief. But I digress..

    Just my rambling thoughts on the matter. I have no control over it... all I can do is give my opinion if asked (and I do try hard only to give it when asked, although I really DO have to bite my tongue literally sometimes!), and pray/hope for the best. But DANG that is so hard.. :(