In case the link doesn't work, here is her list of Things To Stop---Starting Now:
Things to Stop, Starting Now (Rev. 2/3/14)
1. Stop repeating negative enabling behavior in all its forms
2. Stop ignoring my own personal issues
3. Stop being alone in my pain
4. Stop the flow of money — now
5. Stop pretending things are going to be fine if I continue as I have been
6. Stop putting off the changes that must be made
7. Stop my own destructive patterns and behaviors
8. Stop feeling guilty
9. Stop demanding that my adult child change
10.Stop making excuses for his or her negative behaviors and/or choices
11. Stop engaging in arguments, debates, or negotiations —no verbal volleyball
12.Stop being a martyr.
Simple, straightforward and true. Hard to do. We have to have help---from our toolboxes. Thanks MWM.
Although I'm not like the parents who are enabling now, I was very much one with 36 and I am so sorry nobody kicked me in the head earlier. I felt so sorry for him because I divorced his father that I gave him years of free rides, even thought he was horrible and scary to live with. I thought it was my fault.I may also mention, he peed in bottles too because he was too lazy to stop his videogames or TV shows a nd go NEXT DOOR to the bathroom. He had a cat, who turned out psychotic, who pooped all over his room and he didn't care. We did not know how bad it was until he finally had to leave and we broke into his room. Yes, we let him live in his room, unsupervised, for years. He never let anyone in and locked it with a key when he went out. What the hey was my problem?????? Once he left, we had to totally redo the room. It was trashed, smelled, and even the carpeting was torn up. What were we thinking to let him live in that room??? Oh, yes. Let's not forget we gave him free access to the internet, which 85% was porn, some kinky. Until we were in his room and on his computer, we had not known. Today he claims it didn't happen or he had no memory of that because he doesn't remember chunks of his high school years. Suuuuuuuuuuure.
He also had pictures of real life nude women in his room. And my daughter claims he inappropriately forced her to watch porn (she was eight years old). That is child abuse. But we didn't know as she didn't tell us. If she had, he would have been gone THAT DAY WE FOUND OUT.But she didn't tell us so we just felt he was a disturbed boy (I thought of him as a boy) who was screwed up because I divorced his father and that it was my fault and he poured on the guilt. He knew how.
Of course he'd throw a fit if we demanded seeing it and, at the time, I was not ready to let him be upset. I felt soooooooooooo sorry for the poor dear. Thank God my husband moved in and pointed out how abnormal this was. My son really hated him for "interfering" but he saved my life.
I hope these videos help younger parents with younger difficult children NOT make the same mistakes so that they can have full lives and give chances to their difficult children to get their lives together too. We do them no favors by coddling these types of adult children.