Harassment by She-Spawn's Spouse

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TessFromWA, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    So, quick catch-up, I'm estranged from my she-spawn. She's 19, she's Borderline (BPD) and Histrionic Personality Disorder (diagnosed but in denial and untreated), she has been nothing but a major trial since the moment of birth, culminating in my making her go live with her father when she was 16, in order to remove her from this town and get her away from her meth-head boyfriend (since then killed in a meth-induced car crash) and all her druggie "homies".

    I am 99.99% sure that she had everything to do with the burglary of my home a couple weeks ago. All of my good jewelry (wedding rings, diamond pendant, grandmother's pearls, miscellaneous jewelry that was my mother's) was stolen as well as my husband's digital camera. Together valued at well over $5000. We filed a police report and the police know that she did it, and told her that they know, but have (as of yet) no way to prove it. She is definitely on their radar and apparently has been for awhile because of the parties they throw.

    Husband was downtown today walking back to work from a coffee break and she-spawn's husband (a punk kid who just turned 21) drives by and starts yelling "Mother****ker!" and other crap at him. Then he drives around the corner so he can do it again! The last time my husband saw this little punk was a few months ago when he took 8 bags of groceries over to them because she-spawn called her father crying that they were "starving" to death and he called me and basically begged us to help them out.

    My husband is filing a harassment charge tomorrow. My son wants to come down (he lives about an hour away) and beat the tar out of him. Her father, my ex, is in denial but he knows damn well she is a liar and thief and has been all her life. His response when I told him what had happened was "Don't ruin your daughter's life." I haven't spoken to him since then. I just wish she (and her punk spouse) would disappear off the face of the earth.

    I hate the person she is. And I feel so guilty because I can not dredge up a single feeling of love for her, only extreme dislike and animosity. I don't want to ever speak to or see her again, and I wish I could just magically wipe her completely from my head. She is not my "difficult child". She is my punishment for everything I ever did bad in my life.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keep her as far away from you as you can. It can only be a bad encounter in her state. Hopefully time will open her eyes.

    sent from mobile phone
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you've had a really rough time of it. I'm really sorry. Her husband sounds like a big loser. Good for your husband for filing harassment charges.

    As for your ex....next time he tells you not to ruin your daughter's life, remind him that it is already ruined and she was the one who ruined it and is doing nothing to change that.

    Your daughter is really not that horrendously unusual, as much as people don't discuss their problem kids. All of us here understand what your daughter did and the awfulness of it and a few of us had a difficult child who married a difficult child so we get that too. They mainly steal from us for drug money. They swear, yell, even assault us sometimes. We sometimes have trouble finding any love in our hearts for them when they are being awful. That is normal too.

    Go on with your own life and enjoy your husband and your family and friends who treat you with respect and love. Detach from those who do not. Most of all, maybe find a therapist or a twelve step group so that you can learn how to take care of the only person on earth that you have control over...yourself. You need to be nice to you. And you should surround yourself with those who realize that you are valuable and worthwhile. All of us have made mistakes. That doesn't mean we deserve to be abused and treated like dirt.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I hear the anger and understand the pain beneath.

    difficult children can be heartless, nasty people. The best thing can be to make ourselves invulnerable to them. They can only hurt us through the love we feel for a child, long gone.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. You have done nothing wrong. I am angry, for you. If it helps at all, most parents of difficult child kids have been in that same place you are right now.

    This is where we wake up.

    It isn't pleasant? But it is necessary.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Tess. Perhaps while you're filing the harassment charge, you might get a retraining order for your daughter too. As Cedar said, make yourself as invulnerable as you possibly can.
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    That is a hard story. I am sorry that you have to be exposed to that person, to being treated that way. And I appreciate your honesty in saying that you don't love her..a lot of our posts comment on how hard it is to love some one so destructive, or how heartbreaking our mommy love is...I am sometimes ashamed to feel that not only do I not like my difficult child, I don't love him either...I miss my old sweet little boy...but this man? I feel nothing for. I just want him to go away. So thank you for sharing that you have similar feelings.
  7. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    People claim that a mother's love transcends anything.

    I don't believe that anymore. I know now that it can be destroyed.

    Echo, I'm glad I'm not alone in these feelings. I feel like a monster for admitting to them.
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    You are not a monster, you have just reached your limit. My difficult child was difficult from the time he was born and also started using drugs at an early age. He blames everyone but himself for his problems.

    When I mentioned in a group that I wanted to go no contact with my difficult child I was criticized and several said there was no way they would ever go with contacting their child. Nothing could ever make them do that. Well, maybe they haven't walked in our shoes! They did make me feel like the worse parent on the earth. These are not just children with young adult growing up problems.

    My breaking point was when my difficult child threatened suicide after I refused to send him money. I was trying to help him, and found everything (once again!) was all lies and they were using my money to party. It's hard to face up to what our kids really are like! After this (he actually went no contact, not me) I started to focus on me and I finally realized this is what he is and nothing I can say or do will ever change that. I still have my sad days, he contacted me a few months ago and he has disappeared again. Learning to detach is a life saver. Focus on the positives in your life.

    I went through all of the stealing and him helping his friends to steal from me. Once as far as coming home to and empty apartment. Always reported to police. His recent girl friend started harassing me and I called the police, the harassment stopped. I let both of them (and he mother) know that I don't care who you are I will have you arrested . Thank goodness they live in a different state, girl friend is pyscho enough to do drive by shootings lol.

    I am so sorry you have to go through this pain, but I am so happy for you that you are not sitting around feeling so sorry for yourself. I did that lol!!!!! There is a good life after raising a difficult child, but you have to really want it.
    (((hugs and blessings)))
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2014
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I feel nothing right now toward my son. Going through his clothes retrieved from rehab after he was kicked out the second time for failing a drug test was an illuminating experience for me. My mommy heart wanted to wash all of his clothes, fold them and hang them up in a closet. I did that because I wanted to. As I went through his things I found someone else's prescriptions, rolling papers, nestles quik Loose in a plastic bag and plastic tubing---all drug paraphernalia. That was good for me to see and experience and I took another step forward in acceptance and detachment.

    Right now he is in jail and that is always a honeymoon period for me.

    Today I just feel like he is gone. I feel detached. I feel powerless.

    All of that is good for me right now.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders