I hear your concern. I can only assure you - a lot of your concerns are unfounded. Much of the bad press about home schooling comes from teachers who have the wrong idea, or who choose to give it the 'bad sell' for their own reasons. I also believed the same negative opinions of home schooling and allowed it to put me off, for years. Then I was desperate enough to do some more digging on other options for schooling, and found some feedback on these issues that totally turned these concerns upside down.
Your son's current placement:
"it's only 3 weeks into the school year and difficult child has been bullied, threatened..., has teachers that segregate him in the classroom. I already feel completely worn out and burnt out over school."
Your concerns with home schooling:
"i can't teach my son when i barely remember most of it myself.
I am also afraid that I will put him behind if he decides he wants to go back to public school at a later date.
oh and where would i find opportunities for him to be around other kids?
i just don't want to mess him up academically or socially."
The reality:
There are resources available that you can draw on, to help you point him in the right direction. None of us are fully equipped to take over t he education of our children. And truly, teachers don't teach, either. Instead, they provide opportunity for children to learn, and provide access to material to help them learn. Why do you think TV shows like "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" are so successful? Even the smartest people, including well-educated intelligent university graduates, get it wrong. I've seen TEACHERS lose on that show! So if THEY can get it wrong, you can't do any worse!
When our children learn, whether at home or at school, their capacity to learn is never limited by the knowledge or intelligence of the person 'teaching' them. If a child knows how to learn, and also has access to material to study, he will learn at his own pace (which is often faster as an individual, than in a group situation where the pace is generally set by the slowest member).
In our case, difficult child 3 is learning via a correspondence school. We are fortunate to have this state-based alternative available to us. I think this is going to happen increasingly, as the internet makes it far easier and far more possible. More and more, there are internet curriculum sets difficult child 3 can access for various subjects. In his case, there is a building in the city which is staffed by teachers all equipped with a telephone and a computer. Occasionally they run a study day, where the kids can go in to the school (if they want to or are able to) and meet their teachers, have tuition face to face (with other classmates) and often, have fun.
Before we were able to access this, we had a year in which difficult child 3 struggled with mainstream attendance and would have missed about half his school year. I supplemented work I begged from his teacher, with books and computer software I acquired myself. I expected problems and found to my delight that not only did the expected problems not arise, but in fact I was more relaxed and so was difficult child 3. Also, I found that he had missed a great deal of education in his years of school to date - it was horrifying how little he knew. I also knew these topics had been covered, because I had seen his homework and his assignments. He HAD done the work, but none of it had actually sunk in because he had no internal frame of reference.
So we worked to fix it. I had nothing else to do anyway, with difficult child 3 home so much because he was vomiting every time he went to school.
You are concerned that by home schooling your son, you will put him behind. I mentioned in the previous paragraphs that I observed tat difficult child 3 learned faster at home on his own, working at his own pace, than in a classroom environment because in the classroom in a group, they tend to go slower than the fastest child and a bit faster than the slowest child, which tends to be a lot slower than most of the students. So unless your son is right at the slowest end of the class, and STAYS slow even when he is at home and free from distractions, then you are unlikely to delay his education. It is more likely to work the other way and help him catch up.
Now the social issues - too often I hear this as THE big argument against home schooling of any sort. "But what about social interaction? You can't allow your child to be isolated, it will be very detrimental to his social development." In difficult child 3's case they would add, "Because difficult child 3 is autistic, it is even MORE important to keep him in mainstream so he can learn appropriate social interaction."
This is always delivered in unanswerable tones, often by someone who claims higher qualifications, often in Special Education and therefore KNOWS professionally what they are talking about. How can any parent contradict this?
But it doesn't matter who says this to you - they are very wrong.
First - school is NOT a normal social environment. When in your life, other than school, will you be put in a group of 35 others the same age as you, made to sit in a room together with one person in authority up the front, talking to you all and requiring you all to do the same work at the same time, often involving a lot of repetition until you ALL have reached a point where you can claim to have learned the material? If we ever have to do anything like this as adults, then we will be surrounded by other adults who have themselves learned more appropriate social interaction than is often displayed by kids at school. As children in a mainstream setting we are powerless, often downtrodden, often feeling unheard and not respected. Mind you, if this is not the case then don't interfere, leave the child in a positive social and educational environment by all means. As long as it IS positive. But school is not always the best place for every child.
When we go out into the big bad world, we mingle with a wide range of people across the spectrum in age, in gender, in cultural background, in interests, in capabilities, in jobs. We have to interact with these people each in different ways in the process of getting our jobs done. Frankly, the sooner we learn to interact with a broader cross-section of humanity, the better.
When first difficult child 1, and then difficult child 3, were struggling in mainstream, they never completed all their work in class. Any incomplete work would be sent home. In difficult child 3's case, this didn't always happen with the result that there were increasingly large gaps in his knowledge. These gaps were only going to get bigger the further he went into the school system - you need to have that sub-structure of knowledge in order to build the later stages successfully. difficult child 3's learning would have collapsed if we had not found another way. Mind you, this was not immediately obvious at the time - it has become obvious after the fact, as the problem has resolved.
So picture this - difficult child 1, and difficult child 3, at school and not learning. In fact, at school they were anxious, often bullied, often 'zoning out' as a way of coping with both the high distraction level and also the anxiety level. I wish to stress - their failure to learn was not a fault of the teachers. It was due to their disability, that the mainstream setting just was not the best place for them to have to cope socially AND also take on board new information. (although there are some teachers I'd very much like to 're-educate').
So the boys would be at school all day and then bring home any uncompleted work. difficult child 1 would be up until all hours struggling to complete his homework, often with medications having worn off so it would take him ten times as long to get a task done, that he could do quickly when medicated and in a quiet distraction-free environment. Because the boys had so much homework to do, and it took them so long, they had to get stuck into it as soon as they got home. I would poke food at them and they would keep working, in order to get as much done as possible before bed-time.
This was not conducive to social interaction - how can you allow a kid to go visit his friends to play games, when he is behind in his homework?
AFTER home-schooling (and remember, this was correspondence - the same workload as mainstream, but done at home - no way was this a light workload) - both boys would get a vast amount more work done during the day at home, then when school hours finished they had a bundle of finished work done, just as their friends were getting home from school. But now - the boys were free to go and play, with a clear conscience. So AFTER home-schooling, the boys were MORE able to interact socially than before.
Another factor - this time, the boys would go play with their friends. Of course they would not go play with the local bullies. At their friends' house there would be no more than about three or four kids at the most, a far more manageable number. And if it wasn't going well, they would be free to leave and come home, not be forced to stay there and continue to either put up with being pestered, or bullied, or having buttons pushed.
Another finding - as we worked at home and found that the boys got much more work done, we also were able to utilise outings. With correspondence it is done either online or in bookwork. But with home schooling you have even more freedom to take kids out and about and STILL have it as an important, useful part of their education.
I would take the kids with me to do the shopping. Can you imagine the mental arithmetic benefits to asking a kid to use unit pricing to determine the most economic brand of baked beans?
As far as social interaction was concerned - difficult child 3 would come round the supermarket with me and help me shop to a list. I could send him looking for this or that, and along the way he learned to ask for assistance, to interact with shop staff, to manage the social and financial transactions associated with grocery shopping. As he gained confidence he also gained capability and polish. And all this without interfering adversely in his academic development.
If difficult child 3 was having a bad day while I was shopping, we could always drop everything and leave. But generally, he would ask for the car keys and take himself to the car, where he had school bookwork stashed that he could work on. We learned fairly quickly that some subjects actually helped him calm himself down when he was stressed.
Your child loves school - are you sure it's school, or is it learning? A child who is being bullied at school, or victimised in some way, is probably not enjoying school as much as you think. Chances are what IS being enjoyed is the opportunity to learn the 'fun stuff' as well as the social interaction with friends.
Your son is being victimised, bullied, segregated. Chances are he's anxious. This is not good for learning.
Your son has friends. They can be kept on side as allies.
Some ground rules:
* Do some homework. What resources would be available to you? What books could you get, what websites could you access (some really good ones cost a small annual fee and provide good tuition for that subject that is easily equivalent to mainstream)? What groups could you join?
* Talk to your son. Ask him to help you draw up a PMI (Plus, Minus, Interesting) on home schooling vs mainstream. Find out his concerns and list them. Also list your own. Then ask other people if your concerns are valid, and if so, what you can do to counter these problems.
* Set ground rules. The most important one for us, which we actually put in place when difficult child 3 would stay home from school because he felt sick, was "school work during school hours". We do bend the rules a little, in that sometimes, especially on cold, miserable days, difficult child 3 & I can still be in our pyjamas at 11 am. But even if difficult child 3 is genuinely ill and running a fever, he HAS to put games aside and do schoolwork. If he is really ill then he can watch an educational DVD. If he falls asleep then he can sleep (especially if he is ill). He rarely sleeps if he is well. The biggest attraction to difficult child 3 of home schooling, was "no homework". We do modify that, however, if he has failed to work properly during the school week. If he's had a difficult week then we will encourage him to work on a weekend, but we will also help him relax a little by letting him also play a game, or maybe work for an hour, take a break for an hour, then back to work and so on. On weekends or in holidays.
Your ground rules will need to be fine-tuned for you and your child. I was talking to another correspondence mother today about the different things we do with our kids. We have both found that within reason, we let our sons choose which subject to work on and when. Of course, if he is choosing to avoid a tricky subject ten we have to step in and insist, but for both of us, our sons have begun to control their own learning - sensibly. THEY want to succeed, THEY want to work on something they're struggling with and not let it sit at the back of their minds, nagging them for an answer.
We've both learned to NOT schedule in rest breaks, but let the boys take their own breaks when they need to (within reason). Once they settle to the work, they need to be left to work alone where possible, not interrupted because the bell has gone and it's time for recess. Instead, we poke food at them so they can eat while they work.
I use bribes - difficult child 3 gets a credit point for a certain quantity of work completed in one day. His credits accumulate and can be cashed in for a number of small treats. Not every kid will need this.
A very important point here - YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. You just need to know how to help your child find out. That is the most important thing of all.
Example: Your child asks you, "How many elements are there now listed in the Periodic Table?" This is not an easy question. What you can do - first find out what is currently being taught in mainstream, in terms of the Periodic Table on the wall of most mainstream school science labs. Then maybe look it up online, or help your child to do this. While doing this, also find the contact details of university Physics departments or maybe a nearby research nuclear reactor or similar facility. Do not be afraid to ask for information, from the experts in the field. A lot of them may not bother to talk to you, but you never know when you will find a gem or a resource, just by asking.
Meanwhile, move on to the next task and don't let a query like this slow you down.
In the process - your child will learn to ask questions, will learn to seek the answers for himself, will learn that you DON'T know everything (which for a child can be reassuring) and will have fun in the process.
Can you remember how you felt back in school, when you had a question but were afraid to ask? The teacher might have got cross for the distraction (especially if your question was off topic, or indicated you hadn't understood a thing for the previous few weeks); the other kids might have laughed at you for your ignorance, or bullied you for daring to sound intelligent (or for sounding stupid). Or the moment would be lost and the question forgotten. Learning again to ask questions is a valuable advantage to home schooling. Learning to find your own answers is a rare and valuable trait.
Something else we have learned - I try to not nag. difficult child 3 takes a while longer to get started with his tasks. I will sometimes remind him he needs to get a start, and ask if he needs help or some ideas. But as a rule - I don't nag. Instead I use encouragement, praise, a sense of fun and enquiry about the world.
We were watching a TV for schools short program one day and it mentioned mangroves and the way they reclaim land. difficult child 3 turned to me and said, "I'd like to go look at some mangroves. Can we do this?"
As it happens, we have some mangroves very close to where we lived. I promised difficult child 3 that if he worked hard for the day we would go visit the mangrove swamp right after school and maybe have an ice cream from the shop nearby. He worked really well, motivated by the adventure.
So we went - walked around, looked at it all and how the roots look, how the leaves feel, how it smells, how it sounds, what creatures live there, what plants grow behind the mangroves - all of it. It only took us half an hour, but it has stuck in his mind.
And you know the best thing? Even though difficult child 3 is at home underfoot, I have MORE time for me, I am LESS stressed, because I'm getting no more phone calls from the school to say, "Come and get him, he is sick/has been in a fight/has been suspended/has hit another student/..."
I know what my day will be like. We have choice. If I have to see a doctor, I can go knowing I won't have to cancel everything to go collect difficult child 3.
And after doing this now for several years - difficult child 3 no longer cringes when he sees a group of kids heading his way. He no longer just stands there waiting to be beaten up when a kid begins to shout insults. He knows his rights, he is calmer, he knows to bring himself home or get to a safe house and call for help if he is bullied. His social interactions with EVERYBODY have improved. In the few mainstream settings (such as his study days) he is now participating, answering questions, helping other people and is generally the sort of kid that other parents come up and congratulate me about.
He has friends. He has hobbies. He mixes more now than he was able to when in mainstream. He has a lighter workload, despite doing much better with his work. He is working much more independently, he has more confidence in his own abilities and has hopes for his future. He has ambitions which are realistic.
It's not for everybody, but I do think this would work for more people than you would expect.
Marg
