lovemyson1, you aren't abandoning your son if you don't give him money or make him leave because he refuses to follow your simple rules such as...no illegal activities, get a job, do chores, etc. Would your parents let you live at home if you had been doing what he does? Also, did your parents support you when you were twenty, unless you were in college, and do you think they would have given you money that will only go to drugs? You can see and talk to your son, for what it's worth. It is difficult if not impossible to have a meaningful relationship with an addict. But you can let him know you still love him, but you don't like what he is doing and you don't want to be a part of him and will not help him out while he is risking his life. It does not help him if you give in to him and help him self-destruct by making his life easier. In my own opinion, they should hate their life...or they won't change. That doesn't mean we don't send them our love. But it isn't our love they want, is it? When they are addicts, it is our money they want...for drugs....and they are morally empty when they are in the throes of addiction. You can abandon a six year old, not a twenty year old who is acting like a six year old.
Many of us have trouble thinking of our adult children as adults. We see the cute baby they were and the cute little boy/girl. They are, in fact, legally adults and the world will not see them as you do nor treat them with any youthful lenience you get if you break the law at, say, thirteen years old. Addicts are the best of manipulators and know just what buttons to push to get you to throw money at them. NEVER GIVE MONEY TO A DRUG ADDICT. If they claim they are starving, you can buy some peanut butter and bread for them. A starving person will eat anything. If they say they need a place to stay because they become homelss, direct them to shelters. The secret is, out on the streets, there is a whole community of street people and everyone knows where shelters and food are. The problem is, there are rules you must follow to utilize those programs, such as not using drugs there. They will usually feed you regardless. I volunteered at a homeless shelter once and most of our clients were drug addicts. We set up social services, housing, and employment opportunities for them, but they didn't go. THEY WERE ADDICTS. Addicts are sick, but it is a controllable disease that takes hard work. Only the person who is addicted can take care of his disorder and learn how to cope without drugs. Many of our adult children who still use simply don't want to quit yet. When/if they do...that is up to them. We don't make it better by coddling them.When they quit, we can then be their biggest cheerleaders.
Lovemyson1, I thought my daughter was going to end up in jail or dead. She weighed so little. Her eyes were sunken in. She used cocaine and meth. I didn't know it at the time. Like you, I believed it was just pot. I was concerned about the pot, but had no idea it had morphed into what it had. THEY DO NOT TELL US WHAT THEY USE. I knew, at a certain point, that there was nothing I could do and that she could no longer live in our house due to my two younger kids, even if s he had nowhere to go. That's when she got her walking papers. She got her straight arrow brother to let her stay with him, but only under rigid rules and only in his basement and it was there that she got clean. She did not share that with us. She did not have a relapse. She does drink maybe twice a year and every time she does, I cringe, expecting her to turn into an alcoholic, but it has been ten years now and it hasn't happened.
When the time is right, your son will come to you sincerely asking for help. He won't be asking for money, or say he's starving, or make up some excuse to get money from you. He will ask you for help with rehab or he will, like my daughter, just do it himself and surprise you. That was the best surprise I ever got and, trust me, I did not believe her for at least a year. It's not like she didn't lie to us while she was using...that's all she did was lie.
My daughter started using drugs at the tender age of 12 in sixth grade. I foolishly didn't even know kids started using drugs that young. I mean, hub and I didn't even drink!!! She had great role models...lol
(jokes on me). She quit at age 19, so she was young. But it was hello while she was doing it and I do understand how you feel. I was as helpless as you even though she was younger. Any time we tried to get power over her, it didn't work.
When I made Daughter leave, although she was going to a safe environment, I cried for three weeks. The last thing she said to me before slamming out of the house was, "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!"
We are close now. Don't give up hope, but in my opinion also do not enable because you are afraid you aren't being a good mom. You are a Mother now, to an adult. You are no longer a mommy. There is a difference. I hope you do try a twelve step group because without it, I am not sure I would have not cracked up during my daughter's drug years. It was a lifesaver for me. I still go sometimes because the philosophy helps me in many areas of my life.
Wishing you a little peace and serenity tonight. Some of us use meditation and mindfulness to keep us grounded. Maybe you want to look up mindfulness. It is just another coping mechanism which is a Godsend.
