He called husband

[toughlovin]

Hi all. Well my son called husband today. He is meeting his probation officer and wanted proof that he had completed rehab. I told husband that we should not be getting that for him, he should talk to the therapists himself! So husband did find an email where they sent a letter to probation. He texted my son that info plus contact info for the therapists.

The good news is my son contacted his probation officer and is following through.

He also said he would like to meet husband for lunch! He does not want me there because he is still mad at me. That hurts but does not surprise me. I told my husband he should then go alone. I am stepping back and do not want to force contact. I think it is a good sign he wants to see his father.

I am still pretty pessimistic but at least there are some good signs.

 

[Hound dog]

Some good signs are better than no signs. Sometimes we have to be grateful for every teeny baby step they take and hope it will lead to another to propel them forward.

Think you made a wise choice to tell husband to go on to lunch and let difficult child get over his mad. He will eventually.

Hugs

 

[DDD]

I think it's a good sign too. Hugs. DDD

 

[toughlovin]

Yeah I figure if he is connecting with husband then he is still connecting with the family and me even if not directly. And at least I will get information!!! The hardest part is going to be husband is the soft touch and has much less insight about the whole enabling thing. He gets it when I point it out but not so much when he is in the moment. At some point difficult child is going to start wanting some money from him. Right now we have agreed the only thing we will pay for is some college courses and if he gets below a C in a class then we will only pay for classes after the fact. He is still on our health insurance, but I told husband tonight he is going to have to cover his own co-pays. That is part of living on your own!!! We shall see what happens as time goes on.

 

[Star*]

Take it for what it's worth -

He went to his probation officer -
He's staying in contact with A family member, not alienating everyone
You and DF ARE on the same page and have agreements at this point (college, health insurance, living on his own)

Keep the faith that maybe husband has seen the light and won't be the enabler this time because he knows if he does? All the work of the last few months will go right down to square one again. Find a way to explain that to him or drag him to an AA meeting NOT an Alanon meeting - let him hear it from former addicts, not other suffering parents. AA helped me way more than Alanon did. It gave me a birds eye view instead of sitting around listening to other people that I did. When I heard how addicts thought of their enabling family members? It made me stop enabling almost over night. Alanon still made me feel pity. Addicts had a way of telling it like it is and making me see how foolish I was being and it made me angry to hear what a fool I'd been. Maybe if your husband hears life on the sober side from an addict? The light will go on.

Hugs

 

[KFld]

That's a great idea Star. At my alanon anniversary meeting they other night I learned so much from listening to addicts in recovery who spoke. Just hearing their side of what and why they did things really puts things into a different perspective!

 

[toughlovin]

Good idea Star. We have been going to agreat alanon parents meetingi and are hearing other parents who have been through this over and over. I think that is helping... funny thing is though my husband is going more to support ME than for himself. He is able to compartamentalize things in a way that I can't.... so he doesn't let stuff affect him as much. He is right about that. But he doesn't face the enabling piece as well. Last night he told me he is hoping the girlfriend will help motivate our son to stay clean!!! i was like, that is the problem, you think she can do that. None of us can do that. He needs to decide this is what he wants for himself. She can't do it for him. I think he kind of gets that but has this still unrealistic hope.... my hope is that my son is deciding for himself he really wants to do things differently this time and will use the supports that are out there. Anyway the good thing is my husband is willing to talk with me about it and I don't think he will give our difficult child any money. My daughter who is almost 16 also has strong feelings about all of this and was letting her father know her feelings in no uncertain terms. So we are on the same page, but maybe in a different paragraph.

And like you said he is talking to the PO, is keeping in touch with a family member, is talking about getting a job and going to community college. So there are good signs.... I am just not getting my hopes up that he will follow through but a part of me is really hoping he will surprise me.

 

[KFld]

Nobody can make them stay clean until they want it, but sometimes meeting and being in a relationship with someone who is a positive influence can give them a reason to want to do it for themselves, so maybe your husband's hopes aren't too unrealistic.