CAmom
Member
I'm so sad...he WAS doing well at the house until we/program coordinator (on the advise of the prog coord) told him that he would have to work harder at his program/chores/school, etc. to raise his status and "earn" our visits. As I was afraid would happen, knowing how his mind works, he took that to mean he would never be able to "be good" for two whole weeks and would never see us again. So, being the kind of person he is, he shut down, gave up and wasted several days acting out his anger and frustration (and probably a degree of fear--he's always had separation anxiety issues). When he understood that we would still be visiting him regularly, just not every weekend, he straightened out, but, too late to earn his status to come home for Christmas.
To make matters worse, probably since he knows he's blown his chance to come home for Christmas, he and three other boys in the house snuck out one night (the house is on a huge lot with a lot of back yard) and were caught smoking (cigs) at 11:30 pm. Because of that, he's lost the chance to coming home or even leave the grounds with us for the next 30 days.
I'm not sure what to do to support him now. We REALLY want him to earn his way off the grounds on a day pass and/or to be able to come home every other weekend. Yet, he SAID that it was too stressful for him when he was home over Thanksgiving because of all the "temptation" and that he would rather wait a few more months before he comes home again. He's perfectly happy with our every-other-week visits which are limited to the grounds and only for two hours.
So, if we visit him every other weekend which is fine with the prog coord, and he really means it that he'd rather not come home because of the temptation, what's gong to be his motivation to stick to the rules? It obviously isn't coming from internal sources yet which, at 17, it seems like it should.
But, if we DON'T visit him to give him a kick in the b-typical teen, he freaks and sabotages himself. Yes, I DO understand that some of this is maniupulation, BUT, he's always had separation issues with us, and I believe at least some of his fear and anger relate to that.
My feeling is that we, as his parents, shouldn't be used as a reward/punishment and that he should be able to count on us being there at regular intervals--after all, even prisoners get visitors!
So, set me straight...
To make matters worse, probably since he knows he's blown his chance to come home for Christmas, he and three other boys in the house snuck out one night (the house is on a huge lot with a lot of back yard) and were caught smoking (cigs) at 11:30 pm. Because of that, he's lost the chance to coming home or even leave the grounds with us for the next 30 days.
I'm not sure what to do to support him now. We REALLY want him to earn his way off the grounds on a day pass and/or to be able to come home every other weekend. Yet, he SAID that it was too stressful for him when he was home over Thanksgiving because of all the "temptation" and that he would rather wait a few more months before he comes home again. He's perfectly happy with our every-other-week visits which are limited to the grounds and only for two hours.
So, if we visit him every other weekend which is fine with the prog coord, and he really means it that he'd rather not come home because of the temptation, what's gong to be his motivation to stick to the rules? It obviously isn't coming from internal sources yet which, at 17, it seems like it should.
But, if we DON'T visit him to give him a kick in the b-typical teen, he freaks and sabotages himself. Yes, I DO understand that some of this is maniupulation, BUT, he's always had separation issues with us, and I believe at least some of his fear and anger relate to that.
My feeling is that we, as his parents, shouldn't be used as a reward/punishment and that he should be able to count on us being there at regular intervals--after all, even prisoners get visitors!
So, set me straight...