He just does not get it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Annie2007, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    my son called me last night and i answered it. he said he was hungry and i should do my magic with the bank and send him a money gram for food. He said all that while continuing to cuss and be disrespectful. Needless to say, I hung up. he has called my house today and hung up on my vm no less than 10 times. He calls constantly one after another most often within 2 minutes. i feel as though he is haunting me and sometimes wonder how I can feel any guilt. but the guilt is starting to diminish little by little. i am 60 years old and he will be 33 next month. what is wrong with this picture..

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  2. I am sorry your son is treating you this way. My son, who is 22, was doing very similar things. Do what I did. The next time you talk to him, tell him if he is not polite, you will hang up and not talk to him for no less than (insert your number of hours). I said 48 but a couple of times I made it even longer because I just couldn't handle the verbal abuse. I would unplug my house phone, and block him on my cell phone through the carrier. We don't use the house phone much but this was an inconvenience but worth the silence. It was hard at first but it was also some of my most peaceful moments. I can't say all the demands have stopped but they have definitely reduced and the cussing is much less to almost none. I refuse to send any money. I do still occasionally help but only if he is polite and only on my terms, meaning only if I feel I can afford it without hurting the household. It is hard but if we don't give in, they will figure it out.

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  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Annie sending you hugs and positive energy, the only advise I have is turn off the ringer to your phone and get a good nights sleep.

  4. KrisfromNJ

    KrisfromNJ New Member

    Hi Annie,

    I feel your pain, your story was a harsh and painful memory I went through too. Changing cell phones numbers are free through most carriers, so isn't blocking numbers. I went through the same thing you are and made the hard choice of changing all my numbers. Even when I shut off my phone it would bother me when I turned it on to see 12 missed calls.

    Sometimes more, or shutting of the ringer and trying to force myself not to listen to the voice messages, I would still be bothered by my phone vibrating. You do not deserve being put through that mental abuse. That is exactly what it is. He is trying to control you and your reactions. Take away all the power he "thinks" he has and change the numbers.

    I changed mine three times. I also tried to call forward my cell phone to the house and if I didn't answer he would just call family members and play on heart strings. I suggest you take yourself out of it and change numbers now or do so,etching so he doesn't feel power over you.

    Just my suggestion, I wish you the best.

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  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Annie, I found this forum when my son was 32 (33 now). You know, as I do, that this is waaaaay past time for an adult offspring to be cussing you, blaming you, demanding help---for a life he/she has not made work. By now, it is obviously their poor choices and has nothing to do with us.

    husband and I detached and life has gradually, but surely, gotten better. Do we still talk about our difficult child every single day? Yes. Do we want things to be different? Yes. Do we still feel culpable? NO.

    It is time, Annie. Please stay close to this board. It is a lifeline.
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Put gas into the car, feed him... whatever you have to do to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, but tomorrow... tonight please unplug that phone!

    sending hugs and wishes for some peace tonight

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  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I will just add gentle hugs for your fed up mommy heart. Fed up is not a bad place to be. It helps in detaching ourselves from their bad choices.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Anne I'm so sorry.Yes, there is a lot wrong with this picture. The only changes that will happen are the ones you make. The only responses that will change anything are the ones you change. Change your responses. Better yet, refuse to have any responses. A 33 year old man who continues badmouthing his mother, disrespecting his mother and then asking for a handout is an abomination. There are boys 12 years younger then your son, dying in battle.

    As you relinquish your enabling, your son will up the ante and increase this ridiculous display of manipulation, that is what most of our kids do. See it for what it is, a grown man having a toddler tantrum because he isn't getting his way. Block his number from your phone so you aren't harassed anymore. He is abusing you. What he is doing is abuse. In all the time spent calling you he could be looking for a job.

    It may be prudent for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here if you haven't already. And, the book Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie is very helpful. This is hard stuff to do, but it is necessary. We are in our 60's, this behavior from our kids is completely unacceptable. Instead of ruminating about your son today Anne, go out to lunch with friends, take a walk, have a massage, go do something completely nurturing for YOU. Place your son in the hands of your perception of a Higher Power and let go. It's time for him to grow his own life.
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    Last edited: Jun 29, 2014
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Annie, please take a minute to read through the information on detachment posted at the top of the P.E. forum.

    The information in that piece will teach you how to begin to see your situation differently and eventually, to end it.

    Very much so. Terrorizing you, biting bits and pieces out of you, turning the love you feel for your own child into a kind of poison that is killing you.


    Verbally Abusive Relationship
    Verbal Abuse

    I also refuse to send money. In addition, I told my son he knew better than to do what he was doing, that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing, and that I expected him to stand up, to become the man his father and I raised him to be.

    Er...except for one Facebook response? He hasn't spoken to me since.


    And if we do give in, Annie...they will never figure it out. We need to back away from our adult kids so they can step into their manhoods, lest they be worthless to themselves and to everyone else.

    As you read with us Annie, as you post here, you will rediscover your power. Part of what happens for most of us is that we realize that none of the good things we did for our kids as they slipped into whatever their lives consist of now helped anyone.

    We realize, as you are now, that the "kids" are all grown up, and have taken over our lives. We get it that we are loving adults with the same passion, protectiveness, and self sacrifice that were appropriate only when they were young children.

    It is a long path, but there is freedom, without guilt, at the end of it.

    I agree.

    I agree.

    I am working through feeling responsible for what happened. It becomes a balance between anger and compassion. We've lost so much, we've been through so much; we were so innocent, once. It makes me crazy, understanding that most parents are never hurt this way.

    It was hard for me to see my son for the grown up, adult, male person he is. I continually superimposed his toddler face, or his adolescent face, or his baby face, even. I loved him like a mother loves her sons. But for us to love our sons the way everyone else is able to love theirs is dangerous to us.

    At 33, your son will have real whiskers...some of them gray. His hair will be thinning. His face will have lines. As you picture him as he is Annie, you will get it that the son in your heart, the little boy you are saving at the cost of your own life, looks nothing like the big dope abusing you.

    I was so surprised, when I got that piece.

    The next step was realizing that I was not helping that man who was not behaving like a man, by treating him like he was not capable of creating a life for himself.

    So, I stopped helping him do that.

    As noted above? He is not talking to me. This would be a sadness, if my son were the man I raised him to become.

    He is not yet that man.


    Do an online search regarding the dynamics of abuse, Annie. The Patricia Evans information I referenced above will be a great place to start.


    Completely. It's almost an obscenity, when you think about a man (or woman) in the prime of his life demanding money from his own mother.

    He is (as is my son) supposed to be protecting you, cherishing you.


    Welcome, Annie.

  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is what's wrong with the picture.

    He is 33 and close to my son's age 36. He is saying he is hungry. There are many places that offer food for indigent people, if he is indigent and not doing illegal activities that net him money. There are food cards so he can buy food. I am very leery when I hear "I am hungry." I think it is a way to pull at our heartstrings more than the truth. I would NOT send him any mney at all. If you feel the need to consider he MAY be hungry, find a gas station or food store, let him buy a few items and pay over the phone. Any money in their hands is usually money for drugs or alcohol and not food or rent or anything else they claim it is for. Pay the person who can offer the service, not your son. If he gets crazed over your doing that, then you know he isn't hungry, he's needing drugs.

    Another thing wrong with it is the level of disrespect he is showing you and the amount of times he is calling you. That is harassment. I'd ignore it. Turn off the phone. Don't listen to the messages. You know what they are saying. Bascially "I.want.money." Do they call us much for anything else? Hang up on him during phone calls if he is rude, abuses you, or gets verbally violent. That's what I do. I did it so often that 36 actually is starting to talk nice to me because he knows I will refuse to talk to him for several days if he even raises his voice. I told him, "I need you to talk to me with the same calmness and respect I talk to you. Otherwise, I will quietly hang up and we will try again a few days later, when I am ready."

    Both of our sons are hitting middle age and way to old to be acting like babies.

    I'm 60 like you and the rest of my life is going to be serene and peaceful and no toxic people who abuse me can address me unless they can be nice. And I give money voluntarily, not to enhance something I'm not sure of. That includes my easy child children...I don't have enough money to just hand it out but sometimes I feel like getting them something and I do and THEY are grateful...you'd think they were given the world. 36 is not like that. Although I don't have much to give him, and although he makes a good living, he always wants more money and goes to my wealthy ex for money and ex gives it to him, which is his decision. Now he has a rich girlfriend too. If I type about it anymore, I will get sick so I'll leave it at that.
  11. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    You are right and I will not send anymore cash. I would send him a card for food somewhere but since he says he is on the streets he has no address to send it to. I did several weeks ago, when he was "walking" the streets. He stopped at a pizza place and I paid by phone for him a pizza. Sometimes I can hear all the traffic and no he is on the streets but other times it is very quite and I wonder if he is indeed on the streets. As we have no NAMI support groups here, I am thinking of going to an Al-Anon meeting once a week. From what I have heard it is a good group for all kinds of problems. AA saved my Mom many years ago and she stayed sober for over 25 years before she passed away from a non-related illness. There are also no NA meetings here. Anyone think Al-Anon will help me?

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  12. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I am having trouble finding the article on detachment. Still learning to navigate this sir. I went to the beginning of PE and could not find it.

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  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It's on the top of PE. It's a sticky, which means it is always there.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The same article o detachment is at the bottom of this post of mine............
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Al-Anon has the same principles as all twelve step groups. It has helped me and I'm dealing more with dysfunction than alcoholism. I'd go. The program in my opinion is very good unless you decide to resist it. It's not for all, but if it helped your husband, it will probably help you too. After each meeting I feel better and more secure in what I am doing.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Annie (I love that name, Annie), if him being hungry gets to you, like it does/did for most of us, find out what is available in your community in the way of food for homeless people. That is what I did when I would stew over whether my son was hungry. That was hard for me to think about. Here in my town in middle America---town of about 120K people---we have a day shelter that provides breakfast and lunch 5 days a week. The Salvation Army provides dinner every single night, 7 days a week. On the weekends, on Saturday morning a church provides a breakfast, and another church a breakfast on Sunday mornings. Also he can get food stamps (if you are in U.S., not sure what other countries have) so he can buy food.

    I learned this, Annie, and when he would say "I'm hungry" I would be able to say No, I'm not going to do anything.

    The last time difficult child got arrested in April, he went to WalMart and stole $97 worth of merchandise because he was "hungry."

    Really? I don't think so.

    Getting factual information like this helps us deal with what is to come.

    And Annie, Al-Anon is wonderful. It is a a true gift. Go six times before you decide if Al-Anon is for you. I would not be where I am today without it.

    Warm hugs, and glad you are posting here. We get it and we care.
  17. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Don't forget the x-box controller!!! was he gonna eat that too?

    I'm a little mad at all the difficult child's today...
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  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Yep. And the six pack of Bud Light Lime. Starving was he?

  19. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Bud Light Lime might help you forget you are hungry.

    But, hey, it was still wrong. You should buy your beer. :monkey: That's what adults do.

    sigh. I know none of this funny. And, Annie, I so feel for you. But, you know, they know how to tug at our heartstrings, way too well.
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Meth will make you forget your hunger so why not just buy meth? When my daughter used meth she was so skinny I was afraid she had AIDS.

    I was told by many wise people never to give money to somebody claiming to be homeless. Offer to buy him a sandwich, but don't give any money because they will use it for drugs. I'm sure some of you have heard that too.

    Why doesn't the same apply to our drug using adult children?

    "You're hungry, Joe? Well, since you say you're STARVING, just wait there and I'll make you a nice egg salad sandwich and bring it over."
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