He seems too young to be in so much trouble

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by iamdora, Dec 13, 2011.

  1. iamdora

    iamdora New Member

    Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. I'm glad to have found it, though.
    I have an 8-year-old boy who is completely out of control. He was suspended 3 times in 3 weeks, and then on both Monday and today this week. He makes HORRIBLE threats (including that he's going to kill himself), calls the teacher names, refuses to do his work. One of the previous suspensions was because he got upset with another student and started climbing on him. Today he picked up a chair and threatened to throw it at the class. He has always been a very difficult child, since he was old enough to walk and talk, but he's recently started to escalate. We have tried love, encouragement, and support. We have tried begging and pleading. We've tried asking nicely. We've tried taking away all of his privileges. Nothing works. He flat out doesn't seem to care about anything. And he can talk such a good game! He'll tell us exactly what we want to hear ("I love you guys so much! I promise I'll be good tomorrow! I know what I did and it won't happen ever again.") but the next day....suspended again. He's been diagnosed with ADHD, and is currently taking Concerta. His mother (I'm bonus mom) also has ADHD and probably other undiagnosed issues as well. The school wants to put him in an IEP program, but his mother (oppositional defiant disorder much?) refuses to allow that to happen, because she thinks the school is trying to hurt him and control him. Yes, there needs to be a parenting plan, but with unemployment being an issue, who can afford a good lawyer to make that happen? So, here we are, with a child who is going down a very bad path, and we are feeling frustrated and unsure how to stop it. Any advice on how to help him? (Without advice on parenting plan, counseling, etc. would be helpful. Those are obvious.) Thank you!
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    It sounds like mom might be a little paranoid. Have you called Child Protective Services? Does the school call you when things like this happen? If things progress as they seem to be, the school can up the ante to where a report is made every time something happens. Are you any relation to them? Where is his father? It sounds like it could be a negative reaction to the concerta OR something big could be going on at home. He sounds like a scared kid that might be dealing with something that he is not able to deal with. My heart breaks for him. He must feel so alone to be acting out this way.

    I don't know what else to tell you without more information about where exactly you fit into this family. I hate to tell you this but there might not be much you CAN do except be there for him.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Maybe bio mom (wow, trying to wrap my head around this,lol....most of us are begging for the IEP) does not understand what an IEP is??? (and understatement??)

    So, she thinks that handling it thru punishment will work? I suspect if it would, you all would have a perfect child right now!

    So, she is turning down an opportunity to give herself educational rights that without an IEP she does not have. There are limits on suspensions, specific goals and laws that guide the kinds of interventions they can use. The goals are based on his strengths and weaknesses and they work on developing skills to handle frustration and social skills.

    I am sure you have tried..... I wonder what legal advocay your difficult child can have that would help him to get what he needs educationally??? You are bonus mom, does that mean you are with bio dad or bio mom? Just wondering how complicated this all gets...smile!

    bless your heart for caring so much and seeking help. I think if you look up IEP and 504 modifications for kids with adhd and behavior problems, it sounds like his school might be willing to support him in some ways anyhow. a a504 plan can be witten to make accomodations for his disability like lessening assignments, helping with organization, social skill groups etc. It s just an agreement that the child will have equal access to school thru the ADA....due to his medical condition of adhd.

    Of course, the best things to do are to get a full evaluation (including a neuropsychologist evaluation, maybe an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation, a speech/language evaluation) in the private sector. Then he can get some additional support if needed...... counseling will help only if hte problem is in part or whole due to a psychological issue that he can process through. Many of our kids are not so good at that. But it might be a place to help him feel better, you wont know until you try! His behaviors are probably more than just ODDish and maybe even ADHD. he may have motor, social, processing etc. problems. he also may have mental health problems like mood disorders or anxiety disorders.

    by the way, since he has a disability maybe legal aid, the disability dept can help??? or just legal aid if it is for you to get hlep??? they have an intake that can help you find out. In oru state they are helping me get appropraite educational accomodations for my son.

    Tough and different situation. I'm glad you are here... sounds like the little guy is really struggling. The longer he does not receive intervention that is appropriate to the root cause/causes....the harder it is to undo ineffective and anti social coping behaviors.

    Care and good thoughts to you, Buddy
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm a little confused. What is a bonus mom and do you have any legal rights to help this child? Is he your adopted child? There is nothing you can do for him if he isn't legally your child and the birthmother refuses help. All you can do is try to talk her out of being so stubborn. If you are a stepmother, you would have to ask hub to maybe go to court. If you are just a close friend, you really can't do much of anything.

    It does seem to me that a lot more is going on than just ADHD.

    Why not fill us in a bit more. There is much more you can do if you have custody of him. Can you tell us about his early development? Did he have any delays?