Heart broken on my birthday

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by roxmysox, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. roxmysox

    roxmysox New Member

    Hi everyone.
    It's really not about me and my birthday, but I needed a subject title lol. And as coincidence would have it , it's my birthday. Anyway . . .
    Yesterday my 25 year old son was taken to county jail for 90 days. Violated probation. And as a lot of you probably know, it was heart wrenching seeing him handcuffed and led away. He turned and looked at me. I will never forget his expression. Even when you pretty much know what the outcome is going to be. Dang, it was tough! I didn't burst into tears , though I seriously wanted to!

    So now it's setting up prepaid phone calls, trying to set up money for his commissary and trying to visit. It's not around the corner and obviously we all have to work.

    Good kids make dumb choices. Thank you for this Forum!

  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. So sorry your birthday was ruined. Please...if that is your picture, for yoyr safety do take it down. This is a very busy forum....

    Ok, a few thoughts.

    Yes, good kids make bad choices. But they arent normally bad enough to land them in jail and your son is an adult, not a kid. Sounds like you know the jail routine so he must have been there before. It didnt deter him.He is apparently one of the adult kids on thr forum that wont live a conventional life and chooses shortcuts (illegal) to get money maybe? Drugs are a factor?

    Rather than feeling sorry for him breaking the law, why not get angry? He isnt a victim. He knew whatever he did was illegal. And he is 25. A kid is 15. Even if he is immature, he is still 25 and society will treat him as such.

    It is up to you if you put money on tje books, buy him a phone, inconvenience yourself by frequent visits. You dont have to. Yoyr life is important too. You matter. You cant save your son. I suspect you know this. Why put your entire life on hold because your son broke the law? Self sacrifice wont help him. Only he csn figure out his life. Or not.

    I again am sorry your birthday was ruined and that you are. in pain. Are you in therapy to help you deal with this son? You would probably be happier if you detached a bit and took care of yourself. You earned it, right? Be nice to yourself. You are good and kind and have already spent years trying to help your son....right?
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2017
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    He's 25...time to.grow up.

    He is not a child who made a mistake, a man who broke the law.

    Let him figure it out. It's the loving thing to do....truly
  4. roxmysox

    roxmysox New Member

    Of course I know he is an adult. And no he hasn't been in jail, and I honestly don't know how all this stuff works. What gave you that idea? Somewhereoutthere? You make a lot of assumptions from very little information.
    I'm not looking for sympathy. Just new, and venting. He will no doubt learn and grow the hard way. Furthermore I am not putting my life on hold and am going on vacation next week.

    But thank you I will get to changing my profile picture.
  5. roxmysox

    roxmysox New Member

    How and why would you even assume I am so good and have spent years trying to help my son? seems you are very a sumptuous! ask questions before assuming!
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for assuming. You are right.

    You gave little information. And thats ok.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    roxmysox, welcome. I'm sorry you had to witness your son being arrested, that is a sight no mother should ever have to see...those kind of visuals are hard to forget, I know.

    My daughter is older than your son, but she has been arrested and violated probation a number of times, it really sucks, I know how you feel.

    Many of our kids around here would not fit into the "good kids make bad choices" category. Often our kids have long passed that and are into blaming us, manipulating us, being cruel and nasty to us. It sounds as if your son may really fit into the good kid category. In which case, seeing him taken away, I would imagine, would be even more devastating.

    It may or not be relevant, but read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it may offer you some solace or guidance.

    Hang in there. Enjoy your vacation next week. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here.
  8. Hello roxmysox, I understand these feelings oh so well. Tried not to cry when not only did they use handcuffs but legcuffs on my daughter, just could not keep it together. It was a whirlwind for me trying to set up her canteen and phone privileges the jails don't make it easy on how to do this. I hope he comes out a new man after his 90 days are done.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    SWOT: you are wise and I know it comes from being Where I am. Inspiring. ❤️ A lot of your questions make me stop and think before I act. I love my son and am learning how to love and not enable him.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2017
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am sorry for the scene you had to endure. No one should see their child this way. It haunts me to no end, seeing my son being hand cuffed and then in a prisoners box in bail court. Navigating the court systems is a daunting task on its own. And I am sure jail systems won't be any easier.
  11. Wussenabler

    Wussenabler New Member

    My adult son too has and is making bad choices. It is difficult for me not to feel responsible. It is difficult for me to be happy when he is not. I have read the article on detachment and understand what detachment is about but my feelings are another matter. I keep telling myself that detachment is a process and not an event, I'm not there yet.
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is one Mother F#G$&! Of a process.