Heaven Help Me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Dec 8, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole has this guy that really likes her. No, not the great guy who's liked her from JR High, but another one.

    I'm cringing inside.

    This guy is from the difficult child family of the county, maybe the entire state. The epitome of poor white trash, hillbilly, you name it. Any image those two stereotypes promote is right on the money with this family.

    Nichole met this guy because her best friend N has been dating his brother for the past couple of years. Now this is the jerk that currently has N and Nichole not hanging out together cuz he's a bum, drug addict, and abuser (and those are his good qualities).

    Nichole calls me from boyfriend's house to tell me this B guy is supposed to call. She was going somewhere with him this evening, but boyfriend decided he wanted to take her somewhere. *cringe* (and thank God boyfriend is taking her somewhere)

    Ok. So I probably should've kept my mouth shut. But I couldn't. You'd have to know this family. So I asked her if she'd lost her mind. She went on to explain how this B dude isn't at all like the rest of his family, has a job and is going to college, is so nice, ect. I calmly reminded her of his family. She didn't want to hear it.

    "You don't know how nice it is Mom to have someone like you like that."


    This from the girl who had boys fighting over her in jr high and hs. (borderline statement I think)

    Now I'm not one to judge a person based on their family. Honestly. Or I'd be the pot calling the kettle black. lol (mine's not so hot either, but I turned out ok)

    But even if this guy is trying to make good, Nichole cannot begin to understand the amount of extra baggage he's carrying just due to his childhood amoung this family alone. At best he's a difficult child who is trying hard to better himself. But I'm having a hard time swallowing it.

    Current boyfriend may be an immature @ss, jerk, control freak. But he's a saint compared to the potential in this B guy.

    Me thinks we'll be having a talk where Mom points out to her that there are plenty of other guys just biding their time til she wises up to boyfriend. Guys who don't come from a family background like that, with all that extra baggage. I can think of two or three off the top of my head.

    How can her sense of self worth be so far down the toilet? It just doesn't make sense.

  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    My daughter met a young man in high school 3 years ago. They fell in love. He is from the same type of family you describe. Below the poverty line. 3 dads. 5 kids. Dysfunction too huge to describe.

    But ya know what? This kid is the most kind, considerate, appreciative, hard working young man I have ever met. He is now my son in law and I love him. He is so good to my daughter. He is such a wonderful tender father. He would go to the moon for his small family. He has tremendous respect for our family.

    Are there still issues with his extended family. Yup. Big ones. Does it create some hardship for my daughter. Yup. But, I believe he has determined to rise above what he knew growing up. He resolves to do things different.

    Don't judge a kid by his family. Judge him on his own merits and strength of character. Judge him by means of his personal integrity.

    Respectfully MHO.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, I think she will have you :surprise: with guys for a while.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    May I gently suggest that IF you opt to prevent this relationship
    in an assertive way...she will bond with him, sure as H. That is
    how it works. It worked that way generations ago and it still is
    the same. Do NOT allow yourself to protest too much. Hugs. DDD
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    True DDD---nothing like forbidden fruit to whet the appetite of a young girl!!!

    Daisy---my niece is married to a guy who is from, without a doubt, the most dysfunctional family I have ever seen. He is a wonderful young man who has chosen not to live the life he saw daily.

    PCdaughter's last boyfriend is the brother of her best friend. He is from a very well off family and his parents and grandparents are the epitome of goodness---he, on the otherhand, is the biggest difficult child in town!!!

    Sometimes living through the :censored2: only makes you want more out of life---
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree with the group, Lisa. It you can bite your fingernails and sit on your lips :angel: you won't regret it later on.

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm trying, ladies, I'm trying. So far so good. I haven't said anymore.

    In my brain I know this kid may be nothing like his family. I mean so far he's the only one who has ever held a job, or God forbid, graduated and even attempted college. That alone puts him way ahead of the pack. In my brain I know it's possible to turn out nothing like your family.

    My problem is that I'm not sure that what Nichole is seeing in this guy is REAL, or just what she wants to see because he likes her and has been really sweet to her.

    And I'm a bit stunned she was even "looking" elsewhere as boyfriend has been her obsession for the past 3 yrs to the exclusion of anyone else. I wonder if that means the obsession is wearing off? I have noticed he's not so able to push her buttons these days, although he's been trying.

    Yep. That's what I'll be doing. :surprise:
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'd be more worried that she is seeing this guy...and she already has a boyfriend? (am I reading this right?) Could this backfire if boyfriend were to find out? I think she needs to be directed to be honest, first and foremost.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    boyfriend knows all about it. And I know she's not just telling me that because he was commenting on it while she spoke to me on the phone.

    I guess she doesn't see the wrongness in that? Some guy has the hots for your girlfriend, the mother of your child, but you don't have any problem with them hanging out together?? Why doesn't she see that it certainly doesn't appear boyfriend feels for her the way she does about him? :slap:

    Nichole is a bit naive. She thinks if she tells B she doesn't want a relationship it'll just stay friends between them. The whole woooing her away from current boyfriend just doesn't occur to her. I mean, this guy has been upfront with his feelings for her from the get go.

    Thankfully she didn't go with B tonight.

    I know I won't be watching Aubrey while she hangs with B. And she already knows I'll go ballistic if Aubrey is around that family. (B live at home) So her only opportunity is going to be when boyfriend has his visitation of the baby on Sat nights.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Give the boy a chance. He may really be a super kid. If you're lucky, he'll be all she thinks he is and she'll dump the troll for him.
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You may want to take the time to get to know him. Maybe suggest that if she's going to see him, they do it at your house. Maybe he needs a little bit of a good influence in his life to make a difference. Sometimes the best kids come from the worst families.
    Either way, the more negative you say, the more she will want to be with him. Believe me I have been there done that with wingnut.