Heavy heart

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JayPee, Aug 13, 2019.

  1. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    As some may know from my profile I was married 30 years to a severe alcoholic up until 2 years ago. Ex has been still in and out of detox numerous times. It would appear he may be on his last leg tonight. He’s in the hospital and is a shell of a person and has all the symptoms of fourth degree wet brain. It is so painful to see his life end this way.

    At the same time 30 yr verbally abusive son said stuff to me I can’t even repeat because I wouldn’t give him gas $ after he blew the gas card I got him. I’ve blocked him every way except my work email. He keeps demanding gas $ and just told me he owes $565 by the 7th or they’ll repo car. His horrific email to me has sealed the deal for me and I’m not talking with him any longer without proof and longevity of changes in himself and his life.

    Hurting on many levels tonight. Much sadness in my heart.
  2. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    No advice, just hugs and love sent your way. I hope you can find some moments away from your sadness and hurt. So very sorry, hon.
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Prayers. This is the hard part. I think all of us went through the phase you are going through with your son. That's what makes it hard, but you are certainly not alone. We all heard this stuff from our kids and eventually had to move on, heavy heart and all. And, yes, we all felt just like you do now. All of us. So we know. And we care.

    Your son is so full of it though. He is just a thief who wont work and is not nice at all. I feel badly for your ex's suffering....but every alcoholic knows this will happen eventually, if he doesn't stop. So your ex knew and did not love himself enough to do the very hard work to stop his addiction. Not even to save his life. And he has to live with how he treated you until he is gone.

    Now...maybe you can finally love yourself enough to truly stop the money games with your son. I can't help you, but I will pray. I have been cussed out by Kay in terrible ways for monetary refusal, but I am done. I hope you are too. I do not talk to Kay anymore. She is abusive. Your son also is abusive.

    Do be well.
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    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. This is such a difficult walk. Be kind to yourself. Much love.
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  5. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Now is an important time to take care of you. Do you have any hobbies? Something to help build your heart back up? I have found yoga and meditation have helped me with dealing with some of that hurt. Especially when done outside. There’s something peaceful about being in the quiet that is nature.

    Do you have someone to talk too and work through this with? (Counsellor, etc.)

    Good for you! You do not deserve this treatment from him. At some point, we have to be responsible for our own decisions and actions. He’s more than old enough to be responsible.
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  6. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I've been going therapy for a couple of years, I have an Al anon Sponsor and a close sister to talk with so I'm very fortunate. I pray, read good uplifting and informative books on these matters and have gone to Yoga but lately I'm getting in that mind set of freezing like a dear in the headlights and just worrying about everything.

    Sometimes it just feels like the tornado of my ex's has left a path of destruction in all of our hearts. I cannot and will not blame him for all my two Adult Son(s) issues.

    He almost died two years ago. You'd think that was "his bottom" but it wasn't. Not much more has changed in that time except perhaps his scerosis and health have deteriorated even more.

    I know this might sound strange but I worry about the Adult Son(s) and if their father does die. The younger son was staying with his father for just the past few months in motels. Older son, living in car will have it reposessed likely next month because of his stupid choices. I know all the information about these are their poor choices but one can't help but get gnarled up thinking if he does pass away, they will be living in cars, on street etc., mourning the loss of their father. I cannot and will not have them live with me. Too much has happened and that's my boundary until or if ever they show a change in the pattern of their lives for a long period of time to show me they can be trusted and can take care of themselves. I'm not quite sure if that day will come.

    I'm very exhausted emotionally and mentally from all of it.
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  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    You are blessed with an amazing support system. You can and will survive this. Giving your sons money won't help them. Nor ironically does it help to give them shelter. We bought Kay a house then a mobile home when the house went south then rentals then many cars, all wrecked. We are pretty broke.

    Its not your battle to win or lose.You have no way to fix it. Intellectually you know this. It is very hard to accept that anything we do is never enough. I have cried tears until I have none left. I am sure you tried to save your ex. I would have. But I know from years of stories heard in Al Anon and Codependent Anonymous that what we do changes nothing. Heard no good outcomes from our help if the child or spouse or other loved one won't accept the challenge of doing the massive work to quit. They have to want to or they won't. This includes even our most precious people. I am just repeating what you already know.

    We all try. And it hurts. And we all know it.

    Prayers for all of you.
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    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
  8. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I’m happy to hear that you some some kind of support system. It’s so very important and often easier to say than to build at times.
    As far as the deer in headlights comment, I totally get it. It can all be so overwhelming when so much happens at the same time.

    This doesn’t sound strange at all. At the end of the day, you will always be their mother. And losing a parent is very hard for so many reasons. When you add mental health concerns, it makes that fear for them even more. I am absolutely terrified for our family if something were to get happen to J or I. I’m not sure our middle son B, would be able to handle that. It keeps me up at night.
    I know it isn’t much but I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry.

    Your ex made choices and there are consequences. Just so very sad.

    You are doing great standing firm in not giving into your son's demands. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this but you really are doing great.

    Sending you warm ((HUGS))
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  10. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    So sorry for the grief you're feeling, the emotional exhaustion. We all know the grief that comes when we see the life/lives of our child/children imploding, and there's nothing more we can do. I'm struggling with accepting that I have no control over my son's illness, and I know you are struggling too. I think the sadness we feel is reasonable. I just think that we have to learn to feel it without allowing it to control and destroy us inside. Still trying to figure that one out emotionally. My mind gives mental assent to what I know is true; my emotions go all over the place.

    I do think you are right in drawing the line. You're son is being abusive (as my son has been many, many times). I try to remember that responding with help when he's like that is not helping him; it's only reinforcing and rewarding wrong and unhealthy behavior in his life, and it grinds my heart into the dust. This kind of love is hard to live out. Hugs to you, as we walk with you through this.
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  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry.
    Thank goodness for the counseling and good support system in place.
    Take extra good care of yourself. these are not simple words. They are powerful and meaningful words of urgency and substance.
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  12. tamarann

    tamarann New Member

    Hugs and strength to you <3 <3. Hang in there, Mama.
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Good that you are doing everything that you can to help yourself. But this still does not make it easy.

    I, too, got to a place where I had to start taking care of myself because I was not doing well at all in the midst of all the chaos and not knowing where to turn. Once I found this site things did become clearer though. I feel so sadly for those that don't have this resource!!! I really do.

    My son is home and doing much better however I still have anxiety and feel I am developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) also. I am obsessed with a clean home and having everything humming perfectly.

    Now I do think part of this is from being the adult child of an alcoholic mother - I've ready that as adults we can be control freaks due to having our childhood so out of control - makes sense. But I think that I am going to request an anxiety medication from my doctor next month because I am overly anxious about my son's future etc. although on the surface he seems to be doing everything right. My work friend just started taking Citalopram a month ago and it has really helped her. It states it is for depression (neither she nor I are depressed) but off record is also used for anxiety, so it's worth a try.

    I've got to quit obsessing over everything. It's not good for me, my marriage, or my son.
  14. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    So I don't really know how my ex-husband is doing. My younger son who has been with him has all of a sudden stopped replying to my texts. It's hard after 30 years of marriage to not care how someone is doing. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. I tried for years and year and years to get him sober. I was in utter and sheer exhaustion mentally, emotionally and physically. That's when I knew I had to stop and take care of me. I will leave him in God's hands where he belongs.

    Funny enough though, the son who claimed his car would be repo'd by the 7th and wanted me to come up with $595 (the amount increased daily it seemed) recently responded that he only had to pay $137/month and hold on to your hats...he started a job this past Monday! He "says" he's still out of gas and walking to work until pay day in a couple of weeks. I reply to none of this. What it has shown me is that he will say anything to get what he wants and to try to cause me guilt about his life. I know this job could last no more than a hot minute but I feel like by refraining financially he "might" think twice about quitting this job because he knows I'm not giving him any money.

    I will continue to keep my distance so I can focus on me.
  15. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    You describe my daughter, who is suffering liver damage from her alcoholism. Substance abuse is common with personality disorders. I finally stopped trying to rescue her, because it is futal. I have heard these pleas. I gave thousands of dollars trying to change it for her, none if it worked. She is now 40. All I did was allow her to continue her behaviors. The sooner you stop, the better chance your son will realize you mean it.

    I am so sorry you are still having to navigate this. My children's dad (divorced) died at 55 from sudden cardiac arrest. My daughter never recovered. He was a loser, took money from my daughter, who used to have a great work ethic and now refuses to work and lives wherever she can find, not in same state.

    I remind myself every day that my daughter has a difficult life because of her choices, not mine.

    These are hard times we go through. I only know the money manipulation didnt stop until I said no more. I also let her know that we are here when she chooses to get help and makes better choices. I havent seen her in 3 years. I set clear boundaries.

    Sending you thoughts of strength and resolve to make the right choices for you.
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  16. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    JayPee, I think your thinking is wise. I admire you.
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow, I’m impressed!

    Both by your decision to stand firm against your son’s manipulations, and by your son’s progress in beginning to take care of himself.

    Very sorry to hear about you ex, Jay.
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  18. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Beta I mentioned this book on a previous thread but wanted to mention it again. It’s called Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend. It has helped me tremendously. I always struggle with being Christian and helping those in need. Usually my sons. I often forgive quickly and because of my desire to reconcile I go right back into communication with sons when in fact there hasn’t been any repentance or staying changes that would show me they’ve changed one bit. I have to learn to pause and wait a good length of time before I re-engage communication. It will also give me more detachment time which allows me to get stronger. If I'm not strong I won’t be able to keep my boundaries and stop enabling them.

    I read this in that book: sometimes a “no” is waiting inside the heart- ready to use- not for attack. Not to punish another. But to protect and develop the time, talents and treasures God has allocated to us during our threescoure and ten years on this planet.”
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Gosh I am sorry I missed your thread. I can only imagine the mixed feelings you have on so many levels, about your ex's illness, and about your children. I admire you so much in your decision to stand firm to have no role here; or responsibility.
    I want to share something that I am coming to believe. I wish I had ready a quote but I will look for it. I will try to convey what I understand.

    Suffering and destruction DO leave parts of us destroyed. I am more and more seeing this as carving out or hollowing out channels, that we can and will use for energy, wisdom, creativity and divinity to flow. We feel these channels at first as woundedness, as emptiness, but little by little by our decisions to affirm ourselves and others, through these channels we serve, we become, we heal, we connect, we feel deeply and inspire joy.

    This boundary, this bottom line has come forth not from your mind but from your heart and soul, your great need to be whole and to heal. That's how I see it. It's like a firming up of the channel, a fortifying of it, a solidifying of strength, based not on defensiveness or meanness or limitation, but upon decision and commitment to be and do good.

    You are inspiring. You inspire me. Nobody here doubts how difficult this is. And everybody here knows the pain on which this strength is built.
  20. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Jay, thanks for the book recommendation and the thoughts from it. I am familiar with both of those authors and will pull it up on Amazon and give it a look. Sounds like something I definitely need, as I seem to have little or no boundaries. There are times I wonder if I am getting in God's way with my rescuing and attempts to fix.