Hello friends - it has been awhile - I know

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jan 22, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I feel sorta silly about popping in and saying hi after a year, and yet I was sitting at my computer today, and I felt deeply compelled to come back and be a part of this board. I know when I left I was feeling super sensitive to absolutely every thing and ever comment anyone might have had, and I apologize for those of you I may have annoyed or offended. I hope that feature about me has changed a bit, but if not, than I will "woman up" and deal with whatever criticism comes my way with grace, not anger.

    Really a post could not encompass all that has happened in the last year - but for the sake of keeping everyone in the loop I will give you a bulleted list:

    • I removed Matt from his last program after they forced him to sit in a hotel in "solitary confinement" until he did what he was supposed to. While in a hotel room for weeks on end he did some self mutilation, more drugs, etc. I pulled him out, and he chose to go back to Dallas to live with his Dad rather than move to AZ. He spent 4 more months doing drugs, as well as deciding to go off all his medication. After he basically lost his mind - and his Dad ditched him and stole all of his belongings - I finally convinced him to get on a plane to "see me" where I picked up the most suicidal delusional person I have ever come in contact with. I got him a place to stay here, and convinced him to go back on his medications. (That was a feat). He also got custody of his 2 dogs back (my babies that I had been keeping for him until he got out of programs). He is now in school, still on his medications, and is back to being the Matt I knew 5 years ago. He is sweet, kind, considerate, and although he still has many challenges - he is better than he has been in years. His dogs are a huge factor in his balance, as am I, who remains the only person to consistently love him throughout his 20 years. (FYI - He has his own place which is the only way this would work). I also think he did gain a huge measure of tenacity from his programs, if nothing else.
    • Let's see - me. Well, I got fired in Sept. I got a new boss who hated everything about me, and vice a versa. She called me stupid, she stole things, lied, and was a complete abuser towards me. I should have quit months before I got fired. Interestingly I only got fired after I finally went to her boss to tell him about her charades - 5 days later I was canned. Which left me here in bumkin AZ with absolutely zero chances of finding a new career in retail management. (If you remember I moved to an extremely remote part of the US.) And this was 4 months after Matt moved here. I filed a charge with the EEOC over all of this.
    • In August my Dad's brain cancer came back. He had been in remission 4 years - which is pretty unheard of with brain cancer. But - POW - the cancer came back with a vengeance. And then I got fired. I truly reached the biggest breaking point of my life when all of these collided. (Not to mention my 2 best friends I had here moved away at the same time.) I just broke. I finally I told my parents that I could not get a career and go on merrily about my way without being able to be part of my Dad's last moments of life. I also told them that I had to finish my book if I was ever to be whole. I knew I needed the healing that telling the rest of my life's story would bring - and I knew I needed to say goodbye to my dad like I could not my sister, if things were going to go forward in my life. They agreed, and wanted to support me. THANK GOD.
    • I talked to my Dad last week, and he told me that he felt he had maybe a couple of weeks to live. I am flying up there this week. I have been going up once a month since this happened. I have to be there when he dies. I simply have to. Eerily my sister's death will be 3 years in a couple of weeks - some part of me tells me that my Dad is timing his exit around this.
    • My dog of 15 years died in Oct, and my other 2 were now with Matt. Talk about LONELY. fired, no friends, Dad is dying AND no pets? I adopted a new puppy 2 weeks ago, Tesla. She is a sweetie - but OMG - high maintenance. She is a Shepherd mix and thinks the world is hers to devour. She is 10 weeks old.
    So that is my last year in the smallest nutshell I can put it:) I will remain in bumkin AZ until I can reach and find my inner peace. I have incurred so many physical ailments in the last year due to stress, not to mention intensified depression, I know that if I don't not take a break I will break.

    I think about you all often, and I am looking forward to catching up - if you will welcome me back into your club:sorrysmiley:
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Just *HUGS* dearie.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Steely, you have had a tumultuous 3 yrs. I hope that you see your father and find the closure you need. I'm sorry to hear that Matt was out of control. It's scary when someone you love is not in touch with reality.
    I think we all have positive and negative experiences in our lives that aren't always processed well via the internet. I hope you find that inner peace so you can push off and start to move forward.
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    No club here, Steely. Glad you are back!
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Welcome you back? OF COURSE!

    I've thought of you many times, and missed you, but I understand that sometimes we just have to walk away from stuff. And you've had some major stuff in real life!

    I am glad Matt is doing well. Obviously you are a pretty unstoppable force! (And that program? Pooh!)

    As for the job, in my opinion you are better off, even if it feels otherwise.

    We love you, sweetie. And we're family, here. You included!
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is awesome to hear from you again!! I am so sorry that things have been so rough for you. I am glad that you are able to take this time to recharge, finish your book and spend time with your Dad in his final days. I am so sorry about his cancer coming back. It is incredibly hard to see your child go through the sort of pain that Matt has had, and I am glad that he is again in a pretty good place. I don't know how you kept from going nuts when you learned they made him sit alone in a hotel room for weeks on end.

    There is nothing to forgive and you have always been a member of our family here - we love you!!!!

  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    You remember the secret handshake, right? RIGHT?!?!!? :rofl:

    Seriously, though, welcome home. I'm sorry to hear about your father, I'm glad you've been able to reconnect before you lose him. I'm also sorry to hear about your sweet dog and your job, neither loss is small. The plus side of not having job right now, though is that you can spend time with your father, reconnect with Matt and work on your book.

    Don't be such a stranger. We worry.
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Honey! I missed you! :Grouphug::group-hug::notalone:

  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Yeah, what they said!!!
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, we missed you! I'm glad to hear Matt is doing well! Wishing you peace. ((((HUGS))))
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I think of you often, pray for you always, and have been wondering how you've been.

    Club?? Where do you get this "club" stuff? We're FAMILY, dear, remember?? lol

    I'm so glad Matt seems to have his feet on the right path. I hope he continues to move forward and do well. Also very glad that your parents are now supporting you and allowing you to have some closure with your dad, although I'm sad to hear his cancer has returned.

    Don't be a stranger! We missed you!!!!

    (((hugs))) (daisylover)
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Steely. Nice to have you home.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back Steely! I have been wondering how you guys were getting along.

    So sorry about your Dad. My Dad was dxd with lung cancer last February and Died on 12/02/2010. So very difficult for me right now. I dont blame you for wanting to be with him as much as you can. I wish I could have been with my dad more. My step mom didnt tell me things were as bad as they were so I didnt get as much time with him.

    And never think you cant come back...but the only club we have here is one I dont think you want to join right now...not quite yet. The Grandma Club! LOL. Its a wonderful Club but I dont think you want Matt giving you a grand baby right now...lmao.
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So good to see you! You and Matt have been in my prayers each day and I've been wondering how you have been. I'm sorry your dad isn't doing well but very glad Matt seems to be in a good place right now. Hugs.
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Steely, welcome back. I'm not as active as I once was---it's been a year of change for me and things have been different---I'm glad to see you back and hope you'll stick around a while. Although I don't post often anymore, I still find myself coming here just for comfort.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Welcome back, Steely. I've wondered about you!
  17. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Oh, Steely!!! I missed you!!!!
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We are always here, aren't we? No clubs. So sorry for your rough year. Someday you will look back and remember it for what it is, a time of challenges that you will get through and be stonger for.

    Welcome back!
  19. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Good to "see" you again Steely.


    Love, Esther
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You guys are AWESOME - thanks for "having me back in the club". :)
    And yes, I remember the secret handshake, haha. No, I really appreciate that you are still my family, even after my absence.
    I will be more present on the board, as I write through all that happened with Matt, my sister, my life, etc. I want to remain connected to the focus of the book, mental illness, and the reality of how it impacts each person's life.

    Although it has been a horrible 3 years, in the last 4 months I feel closer and closer to God. I am listening to my own inner voice, and finding my internal compass again, which I believe will only mean good things for my future.