Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Coffee Lover, Mar 31, 2017.

  1. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member


    I’m new here. Been reading and lurking while learning more about my son (and lets be honest, coming to accept/process it all) so here I am finally posting. My signature has the basics for now :) And I’d like to share about my son – because I can’t really opening talk about it with others around me (aside from my husband and family) without getting a lot of judgement and it hurts. Its long. I'm sorry. I just need to get it out.

    My son, has ADHD, ODD, and Conduct Disorder. His behaviors have also been manifesting in sexual manners. His therapist is working with him on that, suspects he may have been a victim of abuse or is being exposed to very inappropriate things somewhere. This past fall, kids at school got him riled up (they tend to do that to see what will happen and no matter how many times it happens, he just can’t stop himself) and he ended up poking a boy in his privates with his hand (he poked his back and arms – they were horseplaying so I can’t say he intended to hit the privates). Due to his past record (saying he was going to “hump people” on Wednesdays, calling a kid a “condom”, and peeking over bathroom stalls to scare people) they expelled him.

    I’d been asking for an IEP for years, and the school wrongfully denied our requests (I was very uneducated in Special Education laws until this winter). To make it worse/harder, my ex wouldn’t allow our son to get therapy/medications/assistance at school for his behavior. I think he wanted him to fail at the school so he could tell the courts our son should go live with him (we live in different towns).

    So, thanks to a really great lawyer, I was able to get temporary control of school for my son, IEP evaluations, medications, and fight to get him into school without my ex on board. We meet on 4/11 to argue making that permanent. Ex did NOTHING to help me get son on track this winter and spring so I’m confident that this will stay.

    Lawyer then took on the school district. We got the IEP done, got him back into school (at a different elementary school in our district to be away from those other kids). I got him into therapy. I got him onto medications. Its been exhausting. Son was out of school for 3 months – I hired a tutor to work with him on work the school sent me so he wouldn’t fall behind. We went nearly broke trying to keep him on track and get him help – but we did it.

    He got into school and things went great the first month and a half. He has an aide that is nearby to assist him “in the moment” when he’s about to explode so he can learn how to calm down, be appropriate, and self-regulate. Wednesday morning, he didn’t report to the aide in the morning like he’s supposed to. And while the aide was trying to find him, my son ran into a kid that he’s had beefs with before at a daycare they went to last summer. He proceeded to tell that kid “get out of the field and stop jerking off”. The kid growled at my son like a wolf (no idea) so my son put him in a headlock “to protect his friends!” needless to say, the playground monitor saw it, and both boys lost lunch recess.

    I met with the school about why the IEP wasn’t followed and we made a change that will prevent that in the future (they were meeting on the far side of the building at a door before school, now I’m dropping him off directly into the office).

    But for real guys. When will I be able to just breathe. And not feel like a failure 24/7. I don’t want an overnight fix or cure (well, I’d LOVE one but I know that’s not possible). I feel like the worst mother ever most days. And I am starting to hate my ex (we’ve been divorced for 10 years – I am generally pretty indifferent toward him). I just can’t stop looking at old pics and thinking, this isn’t how it was supposed to go. That little baby doesn’t deserve these big problems.

    But for all my time and effort and everything, it doesn’t seem to matter. I just feel lost and lonely and overwhelmed and misunderstood and pulled far too thing in 100 directions for this kid.
  2. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    I have given you a "Winner" award. That is because you are an excellent mom - going way beyond what many parents do to help their kids. And you pulled off an excellent bit of magic (along with your lawyer) to do the right things for your kid. So good work!

    I can't think of anything more to suggest you do. But maybe a bit of encouragement will help you hang in there with this battle.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  3. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Thanks :)

    I guess I just did what I feel a mom is supposed to. And I'll keep going. Its just so hard some days, when I'm trying to hard and he stumbles back. And to talk to my family or friends, they look at me like have 3 heads. Its embarrassing to even divulge what he does any more. Its Spring Break now and he is with his dad. A blessing and a curse - I can recharge, breath a bit, and not be so on edge...but I know when he comes back after it'll be a rough few days.

    thank you.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry for what you're going through. I was a registrar in our school district for a few years and in that district we took a parental request for an IEP very seriously! They even did them over the summer. That is shocking to hear how they responded to your request.

    I have not dealt with what you are dealing with but I would recommend you dig your heels in for the long haul and try to take care of you, your daughter and your marriage and be strong also for your son. Maybe reaching out to a therapist if you feel overwhelmed also would be a good idea. Otherwise it sounds like you are doing everything you can do!

    Good luck.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Im wirh Praecepta!!

    You obviously will never quit! Great Mom Award!
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are NOT a failure as a mom or a bad mom on any level! You are FAR from that - you are an AMAZING mom!!!! You have done a great job for your son!!!! The only thing I think you should do is ease up on yourself. No one is perfect and that is especially true for moms. You have gone WAY above and beyond for your son! Trust me, I know a LOT of moms who are considered excellent who would not ever do half of what you have already done for your son.

    We all understand not being able to talk to those around you because they just don't understand and give you that look like you have 3 heads. Want to know a secret? More than a few of them are actually dealing with some of the same things at home, they just are too chicken poop to admit it even to themselves or to even THINK about getting help for their children.

    How do I know? My son's behaviors were not secret, they were a little to 'in your face' to be kept private. I was active at the school and after a few years became the mom that other moms came to when they wanted to know where to go to get their kids tested or into therapy. I also had a reputation for never ever spilling anyone else's secrets. So if a parent came to me asking for help, I gave it but never gossiped about it. I was truly shocked at how many parents came to me asking how to find a therapist or psychiatrist because their kids were out of control, and how far out of control their kids were. Because they had to tell me what was going on before I would give suggestions - I didn't want to give the wrong suggestions. I was shocked at how far some families went to cover up their kids bad behavior. My kids knew I wouldn't advertise what they did but I wouldn't cover it up either.

    I am sorry your ex is not a help to your son. Have you considered that whatever has happened to traumatize your son happened or happens at your ex's? Is this something the therapist is dealing with? I am NOT saying he is a bad person, just that he clearly is not helping, and sometimes that is a red flag.

    I am glad the school is following the IEP and things are going better. Keep on top of them and ALWAYS follow your instincts. They won't ever lead you wrong.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The responsibility is the school's to set up a better system. It is a question of back to the drawing board. Perhaps the aide needs to meet the school bus. Or if you drop him off, perhaps she needs to meet the car.

    The school district is responsible to educate your son in the setting where he can be educated, and his special needs accommodated. My son went to non-public school from 6th grade on and was transported by taxi both ways to a school 2 counties away. The school district paid for it all. We were represented by a free attorney through a disability rights advocacy organization.

    Sometimes it goes this way. Where the challenges do not seem to stop. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are getting only resistance and undoing from his father, who seems willing to undermine and sabotage his own child's interests, to advance his own. Recognize that THIS IS NOT YOU.

    I would at least hold this as a possibility what Susie raises, that something may have happened at the ex's for which he feels responsible, and is working to conceal.

    I echo everybody else: no mother could be doing any better.

    Remember: the school has the responsibility to up their game. The ball is in their court.

    Take care.
  8. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    I totally am in the same boat! The minute someone has a problem with their kid, some are minor but some are major, they seek me out. I don't share info either, but that does help. I just don't get why there has to be a stigma. I mean, my son made his issues obvious - there's no hiding! But I guess I feel like, we can't help him if we don't accept what is happening and then start working on it.

    I do worry about what my son deals with at his dads. His dad is not a bad guy. Was it a bad marriage, yeah!!!!!!!! but he does do some things that I don't agree with, don't like, and I do not think help matters. Right now, he and his new wife keep having huge fights and a couple have turned physical between them - I don't think that's helping our son to see how to handle anger and keep his hands to himself. And its certainly not helping with anger issues or any of the mindfulness that school and I are doing. He's not getting his medications there either, although the bottle comes back to me after visits empty, my son says he's just throwing them away. Ugh.

    I have a few court things in the works right now. Right now I have sole mental health/medications, school, IEP authority over our son, but it was granted on a temporary emergency basis. We went to court in February to revisit it and the judge upheld it, and now we have to go next Tuesday to reevaluate again. If they don't see a reason for this to change now, it SHOULD stay permanent (at least until ex files another motion...).

    Its so overwhelming. Just not what I "signed up for", you know? :)
  9. Coffee Lover

    Coffee Lover New Member

    Thanks :) I do think there's more working at dad's and the therapist is pressing on that stuff now. Dad isn't an awful person, but he does do some things that I do not think are in our son's best interest and that most people would agree with that.

    I called the school and we reworked the IEP - son will now go to the office in the mornings and wait for the IA to grab him, then they will go outside. I have to say, since we moved schools we have had a MUCH BETTER plan and way more cooperation. They have been good at listening to my concerns and adjusting as we need to - since this is our first IEP and we're so early in his diagnosis/treatment its a steep learning curve!
  10. helpmeplease123

    helpmeplease123 New Member