HELP!! I have a 10 yr old daughter that will not or maybe can not follow directions!!

[beckah]

Oh My!! I'm at the end of my rope with this child!!!
My husband and I have 5 children, a 23 year old son, 18 yr old daughter, 15 yr old daughter and boy/girl twins that are 10. Our 10 yr old daughter just does not follow directions at all! The school has the same issues with her as well and now they are talking about placing her in a special class with only 8 other children. In their opinion, she is defiant, sneaky and mischievous! I have had her tested for ADD & ADHD with the result being she is not ADD and had the same opinion as the schools. I have read several books on twins and some of the twin to twin issues they can have. My daughter is left handed and my son is right handed and according to the books this means with her being left handed, she uses the right side of her brain and a person that uses their right hand uses the left side of the brain. Everyone of us are right handed but her, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the issues, however I have been thinking maybe this has something to do with the fact that we are having difficulties understanding her and helping her.... She really has the sweetest heart and is so very loving when she wants to be, but lord have mercy....... when she does not want to do something she is not doing it and the way she goes about it is very sneaky.... for instance... she was asked to clean up a few dishes, she say's with a smile sure mom, goes over to the sink, fills the sink with soapy water, washed 2 or 3 pieces of silverware and starts to take the remainder of the dishes and puts them away in the cupboards where they go with out even washing them... when I caught her she looked completely dumbfounded that she had even done anything wrong... I tried to explain what I seen her do and she say's "maybe they where clean mom" I said, "Khameron, there is dog hair in the bowl, dog food stuck on the bowl and how could it be clean if you never even put it in the water?" she says to me "I DON'Y KNOW" I hate this... every time we ask her why, how, what, when she did something, weather it e when the school calls or we catch her she say's "I DON'T KNOW" I’m STARTING TO THINK MAYBE SHE REALLY HAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER...... PROBLEM IS... everyone else, Dr., school, relatives, friends etc. says she is just sneaky, evil and has us wrapped...... I have tried the behavior charts, rewards, taking things away.... you name it we tried it!!! Any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED AND I CAN ASSURE YOU I WILL FOR SURE GO TO THE END OF THE WORLD TO HELP HER!!!!!

 

[TeDo]

So I take it your daughter isn't diagnosed with anything that might explain her behavior. Maybe you need a more comprehensive evaluation beyond ADD/ADHD. A neuropsychiatrist would be more able to pinpoint what is going on. Handedness may or may not have anything to do with it. Right-brained people tend to be more creative and "daydreamy" and are visual learners. Have you tried backing up and working along side her on some chores and when she seems to be doing it right, back off and let her finish. It might also be that she is lazy and needs to be shown how the chore relates to HER. Maybe next time she doesn't do the dishes properly, SHE is the one that is given food in the dishes SHE washed. Natural consequences.

I don't know. These are just some of my thoughts. Others will hopefully be along to give you better advice.

 

[beckah]

TeDo,
Very good advice and helpful I will try this tonight. We will do something together, chore wise and I'll try to back up and let her go in her own direction as long as she gets the same result! I don't expect perfection just a true attemp at trying!!! As far as eating off that dish, my husband said the samething, LOL... i just had a bad gut feeling over making my daughter eat "dog hair" but I do get what your saying.....

Thank you
Beckah

 

[keista]

Although I like Tedo's suggestion about letting her eat off of dirty dishes, I would ONLY do that if you know for sure she is being "defiant, sneaky and mischievous" Doesn't sound like you really believe it.

Has she EVER managed to complete a multi step task? Craft project, homework project, cleaning any room? Can she do fun stuff but not chores and school work? If so, do the fun things involve as many steps and have detailed directions as the chore stuff? (Think board games like Life and Monoply) I think your gut is right that she may be UNABLE to follow complex directions.

My knee jerk reaction to what you wrote is Autism Spectrum specifically Asperger's or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified. Look it up on the internet, see what you think. It's much rarer in girls than boys, and I don't personally know any girls with it, but it's a hunch to go on. I know there are other things that can cause her to have such difficulty, but don't have any personal experience with them. So, just take a deep breath, and let the school place her in the special class. It might really be what she needs. She might need much more one on one instruction to help her through and she will get it there. Then you can spend your time and energy finding the RIGHT help for her instead of fielding calls form the school all day long.

Welcome to the board.
Stick around this is a great place for support, insights and guidance.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with the neuropsychologist evaluation.

I don't think what hand she uses is relevant as 10% of the population is lefthanded. Did she have a difficult birth? How young was she when you first noticed problems? Does she have any friends? Any learning issues?

Welcome to the board

 

[nic67]

First I will admit that I am new to this forum, so I hope I don't overstep any bounds. I have a 9 year old daughter who cannot follow multistep directions. She isn't dumb or defiant. She really can't. She is left handed but so is my father (a builder who finished many houses) and a brother (a pilot who I hope can follow directions!) In my case my daughter has acute anxioty. It can take on many of the forms like Aspergers (because they have the some of same symptoms.) She may even be considered mild bipolar, but at her age it is difficult to tell. Some of it is just she is still young. With Anxioty, patients often are Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (obsessive compulsive) in that she is afraid of the task itself (and failing at doing it or some other aspect of it) and becomes obsessed over it so much so that ADD comes into play. Her obsession with doing the task or not being able to do the task causes her to be able to attend to the obsession and not any other aspect of what is happening (leaving steps out, getting beyond a step, leaving dirt behind on dishes.) Ask yourself, does she frustrate easily. Did she have tantrums (still does?) Is she easly overstimulated (ours is with noise because her eyesight isn't perfect.) Did she do puzzles, crafts, coloring books? No not surprising if she didn't. Learning to read was a nightmare.
No great solutions on our front but to be patient and do the task with her over and over until she finds it routine and she is confident enough to complete the task on her own. As hard as it is, give her a lot of compliments (until you sound like those over bearing scarry nice nice parents.) Don't get mad. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Being sneaky is just part of it. It actually gives a sense of confidence. Consequense should be fair and really spelled out and concrete. Don't question her lack of success (not cleaning the dog food bowl) show her that she missed some spots and have her do it again and again and again. She will get it. Also, talk to your health care professional about the behaviors. I have always found it helpful to have an incident notebook with me so that I can remember what happened and when. It also makes me appear that I pay attention.
Good luck!

 

[keista]

Well hello there, nic67 Welcome!

It also makes me appear that I pay attention

LOL


Yeah, yeah yeah, I know what you meant. Glad you're checking this place out.

 

[exhausted]

Schools don't just want to place kids in self-contained units. This is very expensive and most parents fight to get these placements. She must have an IEP? Have they referred her for testing if not? What do they think in terms of a diagnosis? They must have information that would lead them to this placement, or is it just a threat or wish on their part? I would want a full workup-neuropsychologist and child psch. Doctors are not expert enough to make mental illness diagnosis. Some may be able to see ADD/ADHD, but not much else. By the way ADD/ADHD looks very different in girls and is often missed in them.
In the mean time-I like the idea of working beside her and reminding her if she "forgets" steps. Children are not evil-I just can't get behind that. They behave how they do because it is what they know or they have unmet needs which they often can't verbalize. I'm not saying unmet needs by you the parent-it may be social-she probably knows she is different and this alone is hard, esp. when they are lacking skills to solve the issues. Do not except what "people" and even the school says- especially if they are saying she is "evil", what a red flag. Your the mom and it sounds like you have a gut feeling something isnt right. Seek help-it takes months to get into these special doctors so get started. I also recommend NAMI and their basic course on children. They teach about different diagnosis and give you great background info. It is also free. Hang in there and keep us posted.