Help me...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WantingPeace, Sep 15, 2008.

  1. WantingPeace

    WantingPeace New Member

    I'm new and I am not really sure how this works...but I am at my wits end and looking for help or at the very least other people who understand..God I am sitting here crying..I don't know how much more I can handle and even saying that I feel stupid. I mean after all he is just a 12 year old boy. I am sorry if this gets a little long but I have nobody to talk to...
    ALmost 3 years ago I met a man, Steve and fell in love with him. We just recently got married He has 3 children who at the time lived with their mother and I have little girl who is 11 lives with me full time and I share custody of my 3 teenage sons with their father. We moved in together in April of 2006 and in August his exwife called us one day, she was having some problems with her boyfriend and wanted us to take the kids for a few days. We did, but then when we tried to drop them back off, she refused to take them, saying she just couldn't handle it. I ended up taking an emergency leave of absence and ultimately lost my job to take care of the kids full time because the youngest was only 3 then and was not in any sort of daycare setting. They have been living here ever since. We had found out some things that had happened while in their moms care and after a custody battle the judge awarded Steve custody and only 4 days a month visitation to their mother. The youngest a little girl had some behavior issues but has responded well to time outs and discipline, she started kindergarten this year. The middle is a boy, he is now in the 5th grade. His behavior isn't horrible, he has a big problem with lying but it's always about stupid things. All in all he is a good boy and so far has been doing great in school. The oldest boy..he is now 12, and in the 6th grade...he is the reason I am wondering if they make drugs strong enough for me to get through another day. His name is Gavin..Before they came to live with us, we didn't see all the behaviors that might have given us a clue of what was to come. Then over the last 2 years it has steadily getting worse. How he made it to the 6th grade I don't know, since March of his 5th grade year he hasn't done any homework. He will come home and scream and cry about his's too hard or whatever else he can think of. We try to help him but unless you are giving him the answer, in his eyes you are not helping. The screaming will last from the time he comes home until he goes to bed. He throws things, he is a bully to his siblings. He lies constantly and is very aggressive. At one point he tried to take a metal baseball bat to his younger brothers head and god only knows what would have happened if he had not been stopped mid swing. I have been bitten, had things thrown at me and I am constantly being screamed at. Last year he told his teachers that he wasn't getting his homework done because his father beats him up. Then we had DSS show up on our door because he was claiming that his dad was throwing him into walls and picking him up above his head and throwing him from the living room into the bedroom. His father is 6'4" witha heart condition this is not physically possible for him to do. He cheats in school and last year he stole from his teacher. We tried getting help but for the longest time we had a hard time getting anyone to believe what we were saying because Gavin was very good at playing the victim role and in front of other people he is very calm and collected and will just sit there with his head low and will actually throw his arms over his head like he is trying to protect himself anytime you try to go near him. Finally, we got help, somebody listened and he was diagnosed with ODD. They have tried putting him on Abilify, that did not work. They tried putting him on Adderoll (spelling?) because he scored borderline Add on his Connors testing...that didn't work..then most recently they tried him on Risperidone and that did not work. He is now on no medication at all. He will slam his head into the wall to the point he will leave bruises on his forehead, He punches the walls, the destructive to the furniture and is physically aggressive to his siblings. He doesn't have many friends because he is too competitive on the playground. He thinks he is the best at no matter what they are doing and it is his way or no way. School has only been in session 3 weeks and he is already well on his way to failing. He has refused to do 2 projects that he had well over a week to do, and refuses to do his other homework. All he does is scream and cry from 4 when he gets home until 9 when he goes to bed. He plays our house against his mother's house. He will constantly lie about things his mom says or does and lies about our house to his mom. There have been alot of times that his father and i have had to cancel plans to go out because we can't leave him with a sitter. We can't go anywhere as a family out to eat or otherwise because we never know how he is going to behave. If it is somebody else's birthday or Father's Day or MOther's Day etc. He will go out of his way to ruin it for that person. His birthday he lied and told people that we didn't get him anything when in fact we took him to a baseball game and paid for him to throw out the first pitch and get an autographed baseball by everyone on the team. Then this morning I found out he is stealing food from the kitchen when we are not looking and I got a call from the school from my daughter crying that she wants to come home because Gavin and his friends were bullying her and making fun of her and they would not stop. He also told a girl on his bus that he doesn't get fed at home so he took her poptarts, he had just eaten a bowlful of cereal. So I went to the school and probably looked like a crazy woman because I am just so tired and fed up from all of this. And of course while I was in there talking to the principal,(his father had wanted him to serve a day of ISS, anything to try to get through to him) Gavin went back to playing the victim and sat there all teary eyed and quiet and was saying yes ma'm, no ma'm..the principal said they could not give him ISS from a parents request but they would try something else, she then wanted to talk to Gavin alone and I went home..God only knows what **** he told her after I left. His psychologist has recommended out of home placement so he is being referred to Eckerd Wilderness program and he will be there a year. We haven't heard yet that he has been accepted and he has to have been off his medications for 30 days prior to going. I am not sure I can last that long. All his care primarily falls on me because his father works. I am a substitute teacher only because I can't really do any other job, with all the school meetings and him getting suspened and last year his little sister was trying to mimic his behavior because she sees all the attention he gets as a result she was suspended twice from pre-k. So I needed a job I could choose to accept on a day to day basis and not get fired if I couldn't go in. But I tell you most days I am just too weak or depressed to want to do anything after they leave for school. I dread getting up in the morning..relax a little while he is gone then about an hour before he is due home I start getting migraines.. I hate the weekends and the days they don't have school because I know he is going to make my day hell. We have tried everything from loss of priveleges, loss of belongings, groundings, time outs, writing sentences, writing apology letters, extra chores, even spankings...we have tried bribing him, bargaining with him, we have tried the behavior contract and behavior charts. NOTHING works. And I do mean Nothing. He refusues to accept responsibility for anything, it's always everybody else's fault and he feels NO guilt for anything he does to hurt somebody, mentally or physically. It's scary. I don't trust him alone with his siblings and I really don't like being alone with him myself..last night I had a dream he tried to stab me in my sleep. He will starve himself if he doesn't like what we are having for dinner which of course in his eyes I am starving him because I am making something he doesn't time he even put dish soap in the noodles I was boiling....I feel ike I want to run away, that this is not what I signed up for. I love his father so much and it would devestate me to lose him but I am not sure who I am anymore. I have no maternal feelings towards Gavin anymore and I feel so guilty about it...but I can't honestly say I even like him anymore. Please someone tell me you know how this is, you know how this feels..please help....:brokenheart:
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Well! YOU'VE got your hands full don't you! Listen: first of all, there's no crime in really, really, REALLY, hating your kids sometime. I think just about everyone on here would put there lives on the line for any of their kids, but we all get on here every once in a while and hiss "man, I can't STAND this kid any more!" Don't judge your "motherhood skills" by your feelings - you'll get yourself into a lot of emotional trouble this way.

    Have you gotten a formal diagnosis on him yet? If not: I HIGHLY recommend that you get a neuropsychologist asap. There's usually a long line for them, so get your name on a list so you can have it done. They'll test him every way from Sunday, and will be able to try to slim down the options available. With the medications they've tried, they're just shooting from the hip. It's sort of like complaining that you've got a stomach ache, the Dr. prescribes medications, but never asked if you might be constipated or have "the runs". Hit or miss.

    I know that you have a pretty limited insight as to what his early childhood was like, but are you aware if he's had any sensory issues (reactions to noises, textures - like itchy tags, lining up toys, over-attention/knowledge to any one particular thing/subject, etc.)?

    Here's a question: Has he ever been tested for learning disabilities? It could be that he's been sailing through school over the years because he was able to glean enough information in the classroom to pass, yet now that he's going to have to perform based on his own reading skills, is finding it too hard? Non-verbal or read/write disorders often don't become obvious until they actually have to perform on their own.

    Don't beat yourself up! You're a great Mom who's been the whipping boy for a long time. Talk to us, ask a million questions, post your own experiences and let it go! We're here for each other and will be here for you too!

    Welcome - it's a great group on here!


    PS: Try and break up the posts with spaces here and there - sometimes a "bulk" post will mess with people's eyes! ;)
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Your difficult child certainly sounds intense, I hope you do have better luck getting an evaluation that can help you understand his issues and how to work with him the best. This place is full of support and alot of wise advice. I admire you taking on the warrior mom role, come here and vent away, we do understand how incredibly hard it is.

    I am thankful my difficult child isn't that way(irritable/angry) always, I do try to keep him seperated from my others when he is though, video games are a great distraction for mine when he can't get along with anyone.

    Try to take care of youself and your marriage. Little things can mean alot, having 10 minute alone with that first cup of coffee, a soak in the tub at night, whatever canhelp recharge you.
  4. BoxieLady

    BoxieLady New Member

    I'm in the sinking boat with you. Hang in there...we will get through it. I finally got to the point that I told the school I don't care what they do anymore. I know it sounds bad but do what you may, I can't keep dropping everything to run to the school 2-3 times a week. Your son sounds a LOT like mine.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome WantingPeace! Good name!

    I can tell you are distressed and upset. That is usually where we all are when we end up finding this site. I can truly this site saved me and my daughter.

    Try to use more paragraphs in your next post as it just makes it easier to read. These eyes are getting old! ;)

    Also, if you could do a profile like I have done, it shows up at the end of each post - it just makes it easier to keep everyone straight.

    I think if I were you, I would be walking on egg shells until those 30 days are up and then insist upon admittance to this program for a year. He really sounds like the kind of kid that just can not live with his family. I feel he will be violent as he gets older and you will have a hard time keeping the other kids safe.

    I am glad you found us.
  6. yayita25

    yayita25 New Member

    We are here to read you and shoulder your pain.... I send you a big cyber hug and lots of prayers to help you get the strength you need to let this pass... remember this will pass my grandma told me so .....
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Just wanted to add my welcome. :flowers:

    I agree with Busywend.

    I'm sorry for your hurting and weary heart.

  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. We do understand. And with our collective experiences we can all help each other.

    Now, you've had lots of sympathy from people who understand so I won't waste any more of you time, apart to say - I also sympathise.

    So here are some strong suggestions for you, to survive for now.

    1) Get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. OK, he's not so much explosive as whiny and controlling, but it still applies. Kids who are explosive are also that way because they need to control. So does this boy.

    2) Stop feeling guilty for your feelings. You have every right to be resentful. You would still have every right to be resentful if he was your flesh and blood, but the ONLY link you have to this kid, is you happen to love his father. So - vent away. Feel free. You're entitled.
    Second, on the subject of guilt - it doesn't achieve anything in your situation. Guilt slows you down. This is a good thing if you feel guilty because of your own impulsive actions, but it is a bad thing if the guilt is interfering with your ability to be an effective advocate. So if you begin to feel guilty for feeling bad about feeling guilty - don't go there. Thataway, lies madness. And totally becoming ineffective due to too much introspection!

    3) OK, I hope I made you smile, because the next thing - you need to hold on to your sense of humour. You need it now, more than ever. Again, you're entitled.

    4) Get your partner to lurk here and/or post here. These are HIS kids, he needs to at least own the decisions being taken on his behalf. He wouldn't be the only bloke on this site - my husband posts here too. However, even more than he posts, he lurks. In finding out what I've been saying about various things, he gets an idea of what I'm thinking about. We talk about these things too. It all helps a great deal. It has brought us even closer together, when we thought we already WERE as close as possible.

    5) If possible before his placement, see if you can organise the neuropsychologist assessment for him. Having a better understanding of what is REALLY going on in that head should make it easier to handle him. ODD rarely travels alone, too often there is something else underneath that is a major contributing factor.

    6) Some housekeeping - if you can, do a sig for yourself here. If possible, do not put anything in it that identifies you or any member of your family, by name. You need anonymity in order to be able to post without anyone tracking you. let's just say you have a problem with a teacher or a therapist and you feel a desperate need to vent and maybe get advice - has the person so badly overstepped the mark tat you should sue? Then the last thing you need, is the chance that the teacher or therapist in question can identify you (or your child) from your posts. You don't need such people second-guessing you, or penalising you or the children because of what you might say here. Similarly, you should feel free to vent where you feel the need, and not have to hold back for fear of what a lurker might feel.

    Now, I could be wrong here. But if this boy has got into the habit of playing one person against the other, he's had ample opportunity to practice this with his mother and with you guys. He sounds like he's really good at it. So how can you be really sure that she IS as bad as you feel she is? You are at the end of your tether now. Is this perhaps where she was when she handed the kids over to your partner?

    You only hear bad stuff about her, from the boy. She only hears bad stuff about you two, from the boy. He is convincing. Is there the possibility that you could ring her up and say to her, "I know we've had some misunderstandings, but I am becoming aware of how much he tells tales. Have you noticed this?" If necessary, and if you feel she is receptive, share with her (and ask her to share with you) about your experiences.

    However, if you feel you won't get truth from her either, then go carefully, don't do this. It is only a thought. There may be a way to make contact safely, to let her know that you now take everything the boy has said, with a large tub of salt.

    Your description of tis boy - everything has to revolve around him. He tells these stories in order to gain sympathy (and often some other advantage, such as extra food). He is stealing food from the kitchen. I wouldn't be surprised to discover he is also stealing food elsewhere, including from school? Although don't your schools have lunch provided at school? We don't in Australia; kids like this boy often steal from other kids bags. We had a kid doing this to easy child when she was in Kindergarten, we had to make sure easy child's lunchbox was left in the school office under supervision. Plus we changed easy child's lunches to include food this kid wouldn't like (dry bread, black olives, pickled octopus).
    Just a thought.

    If he's doing this primarily to get attention (this includes sabotaging any fun others might have that doesn't revolve around him) then he's already in serious behaviour patterns.

    Yelling and shouting will do nothing. Neither will punishment, especially if he refuses to acknowledge any personal responsibility. All punishment does then it to increase his resentment at how he's being treated; his own actions and the consequences have become separated.

    Part of "Explosive Child" as I mentioned, shows how to change your own parenting to a method which challenges a lot of these entrenched behaviour patterns. It's a parenting method which works well with other kids too.

    Now, a bit more housekeeping - the others are right about using paragraphs if you can. I'm happy to read a very long post - I don't have a problem with it. But my eyes do get tired if the paragraphs are too long. It's easier if you break up each thought process into separate paragraphs.

    Now, our abbreviations - the information is on the site, I'd have to go looking for it now because I haven't needed it in a while. So I'll let you do the digging I would have to do - you might find a few more useful gems along the way and I wouldn't want to deprive you of that!
    But just quickly, the basics - easy child is Perfect Child, the ones who are getting on OK. difficult child is the child who brought you here, the one with the problems. Mind you, some of us have more than one of those!
    husband is Darling Husband. wife is Darling Wife, for those men on this site. DEX is Darling Ex (although sometimes the 'darling' is a bit tongue in cheek). SO is Significant Other. If you look at my sig, you will see I numbered my kids according to their ages. You will also see that sometimes a kid can be a difficult child, sometimes a easy child.

    Anything else - ask. From what you describe, you are right to be concerned. He sounds like a cuckoo chick, trying to sabotage the survival of the others in the nest in order to maximise his own chances. And while we are critical of cuckoos for doing this, it is unfortunately for them a survival necessity. I think it is vital for the survival of your sanity among other things, to find out why he feels so desperately needy that he MUST have all eyes on him, all resources expended on him, until you are beyond exhaustion.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Wow. What a mess.
    I would definitely get him a neuropsychologist exam. A wilderness camp will get him away from the family for a while (a year), but it won't change him because he is obviously mentally ill. ODD almost never travels alone, and his behavior in my opinion is way beyond the ODD category. Does his father or his mother suffer from any psychiatric disorders or substance abuse?These are good indications of what may be wrong with this chidl, probably made worse by his family situation, the divorce and being shuffled off from his home (and he knows he's the main problem). It doesn't sound like he can control himself, so I don't think therapy alone will change him. You do need a better evaluation because he's young and you'll have him for a long time, and this could (and probably will) morph in drug abuse if the reason behind the ODD behavior isn't found. I'm on board with the neuropsychologist testing while you are waiting for him to go to camp. That is probably the best, most intensive tesing that exists right now. You can find N euroPsychs at university hospitals. The testing can last up to ten hours (did for us) but you do get solid answers. He may need different medications from the few he was taking, but my guess is, with his violence, he needs medications. This is a time bomb waiting to happen--not even sure he'll last in wilderness camp--he may hurt somebody. I attached a few links you may want to look at to see if this may sound like your stepson. ODD doesn't travel alone in almost all cases--you can find something else that is causing the ODD behavior. And it CAN be helped or even stopped. My son no longer exhibits anything like ODD, but he did before the proper diagnosis and treatment!
    Get thee to a neuropsychologist. And good luck :)
  10. Feeling Helpless

    Feeling Helpless Oldie but Goodie

    I have just found this site and I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you. You almost could have been describing my difficult child. He is ADHD/ODD and is 7. I want to share my story but do not have time right now. My prayers are with you and you are not alone.
    Feeling Helpless
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    First of all, I commend you for your efforts. You are a good woman to take all of this on. You are a great mom. I think we all have days when we do not like our children, I even think parents of "normal" children have those days as well. You should not feel guilty for that, you are human and are dealing with a very difficult child. I love my daughter more than life but I often do not like her very much. In fact, I don't think I would even want to know her if she was not my child. These kids are emotional draining and can **** the life right out of you.

    I think the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is a very good idea. My daughter was in three. I hate to admit this, but that year and a half was the most peaceful time of my families lives. It gave me the strength and energy to focus on my younger child who sometimes got lost in the struggle to control my daughter. I wish I could say the results from the rtcs were good, but she is still a horror. You need the peace and he needs the help.

    I would suggest you document everything, especially because he lies so much. Unfortunately you need to cover your butt. He should have a formal evaluation, sounds like he hasn't been on the right medications. The medication maze is not easy as it is ultimately trial and error. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will help a lot with that.

    I truly admire your commitment to your husband and his kids. It takes a special kind of person to raise these kinds of kids. I know quite a few mothers who dont want to raise their biological special needs children and you are doing it voluntarily. Kudos to you!!! Your husband is a lucky man and his children are even luckier, though they might not see that right now.

    Dont beat yourself up for your feelings, you are entitled to be angry and frustrated. This is the hardest job on earth and most of the time a thankless one!!!

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello WantingPeace,

    You have already been given some great advice. I just want to add my welcome. You're definitely not alone. You have found a soft place to land.

    Be good to yourself, and post as often as you need to. We're here.

    Sending many gentle hugs to you,
  13. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Wanted to give a warm welcome as well. You have already been given much advice. I second, third, whatever, the advice that you go get him a really good psychiatric workup and find out what is really the problem. It sounds like he has some learning difficulties amongst other things.
    I also agree that the book Marg mentioned "The Explosive Child" would be helpful. I just picked it up to help with my own. Who while not as old OR as violent as yours seems, still exhibits similar behaviors. I have found out that this violence/screaming/etc. is sort of a coping mechanism for them. They just don't know how to handle the world being so confusing/frustrating/etc. I haven't gotten to the part which tells you what to do about that yet, but I'll keep you posted. LOL!

    Anyway, the other thing to do, is take a break for yourself. Find a friend to phone when you need encoragement, come here, take a relaxing bath or shower, lock your bedroom door and listen to some music, go to a movie while husband watches kids maybe not till the little ones go off to sleep, etc. It's okay to find that coping mechanism for yourself too!
    And lastly, know that it will get better.
  14. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Welcome!!! I'm glad you found us. I do detect that your humor is still intact (not enough drugs in the world for you to get through another day :rofl: ) - hang onto that!!!

    I would suggest getting the ball rolling not only with a psychiatric/neuropsychiatric evaluation on Gavin but also getting him evaluated through the school district for Special Education services. Please check out the sped 101 archives for some excellent sample letters. They might balk at evaluating but since he's already failing, I think it's worth a try - *especially* if he's having behavior problems at school. Special Education is for children who have disabilities *and*/or behaviors that impair their ability to receive an education. I would also immediately stop fighting the homework battle. I know that probably goes completely against everything you believe in, but 5 hours a night of nonstop chaos is damaging not only to you but I'm sure to the other kids. Drop it. Let the school know you provide time, supplies, and parental supervision for homework but that you are no longer going to engage in WWIII to try to get it done.

    Please please do not beat yourself up over having less than maternal feelings towards him right now. As Busywend said, that's where a lot of us were when we arrived here. I went through at least a year where my first and last thoughts of the day were "I hate him". I didn't really, deep down, but boy I have to tell you, I *really* hated what we were going thru with him. Life was one long restraint peppered with me getting bitten, spit on hit, threatened with knives, to say nothing of the endless calls from school. It was not a fun time.

    You need to find time to take care of yourself. I heard that when I got here and I ignored it until I had my own meltdown. It's really really important that you get a chance to soothe your nerves and collect yourself. Calgon, candles, and a good bottle of wine (if you are so inclined) are good. A walk through the mall could do it for me. A good book. Days on end on this board. ;) Whatever props you up, gives you enough strength to get through the day, go for it.

    I hear you about no dates with hubby and no family outings. My last real date with my hubby was in 1994 - no joke. Our family circumstances make a sitter an impossibility. But we do find time after the kids are in bed to reconnect - doing stupid stuff like playing cards or backgammon or whatever. It's just a minute for us to be Sue and Husband, not Mom and Dad, and it helps us to stay connected no matter how hairy things get around here. You have to improvise as best you can, in a way that works for you, until things get better.

    Again - welcome and I'm so glad you found us!
  15. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi WantingPeace,
    Welcome and hugs. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Gavin clearly has many many issues that may include Learning Disability (LD), a possible mental illness diagnosis, and reactions to his parents' divorce and being 'dropped off' with no notice by his mother to live with a blended family. Plus, as others have noted, there may be abuse, substance abuse, etc. issues you don't even know about yet.

    Along with the excellent advice from others about getting a neuropsychologist evaluation and getting on the school about an IEP (get a parent advocate if at all possible, to help you make your way through the maze of guidelines and regs), may I suggest you have Gavin evaluated by someone who specializes in attachment disorders. His 'scary' behaviors are the highest priority and deserve to be addressed immediately. And you deserve support! With a diagnosis, whether attachment disorder or something else (or multiple diagnoses), you can access support services in your community.

    From your description of Gavin's behaviors it does sound as though a residential placement may be a good thing for your family ... all of the siblings need calm, safety, and a sense of predictability at home and that is not possible with things as they are. But first, if possible, a diagnosis.

    Your description of Gavin could be my difficult child for many years. I feel guilty because I kept difficult child at home and resisted residential placement, knowing he would worsen in that situation, but my other children suffered for it. They all have continuing issues to varying degrees. If I had it to do again, I'd do things differently.

    If you can find it, along with 'The Explosive Child' I'd also recommend 'When Love is Not Enough' by Nancy Thomas. I think has it.

    Hugs. Keep on keeping on. You're a strong woman to have come this far.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another welcome and a huge cyber HUG.

    Is there any chance the biomom drank while pregnant? Some of his behavior really sounds like it could be fetal alcohol effect. Not a good thing because it is organic and, as yet, there is no medication that helps it although some medications will control some of the actions.

    I'm surprised that none of the medications you've tried have helped. I know there are several moms here who are very well conversed in the medications. Hopefully, they can help you figure out whether the dosage, etc. was high enough. About the only thing I know is that resperidol makes people incredibly hungry, so that could be part of the food stealing issue. My daughter stole food but for her it was a comfort issue -- she suffered severe neglect when she was young.

    I would definitely have him checked for learning disabilities. The absolute refusal, the melt downs are good tactics to not do what you can't. For many kids, being labeled "bad" is far better than being stupid.

    I agree that a neuropsychologist evaluation would be a good thing. Definitely read The Explosive Child. Another book that might be good for you is The Defiant Child by Riley.

    I hope you get some answers and some help. You've taken on quite a heavy load. We'll be here for you when you need us. Good luck!
  17. Lillyth

    Lillyth New Member

    Have you heard of the Amen Clinics? I took my eight year old son there, and they have been the only people who have told me anything that has made any sense so far. They do these brain scan thingies, and they show you where the blood is flowing to the various parts of the brain (some get too much, some too little). According to Dr. Amen, there are SIX different types of ADD, and my son has one called Ring of Fire, which causes him to have violent tendencies.

    Also, Dr. Amen says that most people with ADD for whom the medication does not work, are on the wrong medications for their type of ADD.

    My son was on Geodon for about six weeks, and it seemed to help some, but then we took him off because we are opposed to medicating our child, and wanted to just give his brain a "kick start". But then last Friday he choked a girl at the park cause she took his ball, so we decided to put him back on it. We noticed an immediate change.

    Anyway, I bring all this up because it sounds to me like he has an actual, organic problem that needs to be addressed.

    The website for Amen Clinics is

    It is expensive, and they don't take insurance, but my husband & I thought it was worth it.

    Just thought I'd toss it out there for what it is worth...
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Another vote for a neuropsychologist evaluation. It's really the only way you can find out specifically what problems he has and from that point, the best way to attempt a solution. Many of us (yes, even me with the most years of parenting experience) have felt the despair you describe. Getting a break from his issues would be beneficial for the whole family. Is there anyone??? who is an appropriate adult companion for him? One of the strange things about disordered children is that often times, even the most violent of difficult children, a "perfect" side comes forward when they are in a different environment...especially if there are no other children to steal their thunder. Sometimes an Aunt, Uncle, Grandparent, Godparent etc.
    can find the "inner angel" during a short visit.

    I'll say prayers and cross my fingers that an improvement comes soon.
    by the way, who expedited the wilderness school choice? Hugs. DDD