Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by llama1965, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    We are a family of six all but one person in the home has had money go missing. She is 19. I am at a loss of what to do? I cannot prove it but my gut says it is her. Why would she steal from us>>>>
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Usually to buy drugs. Is she a problem?
  3. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    Me, 48 husb 46, four kids 2, 19, 14 and 12. Basically cares for nobody, no respect, rude, ignorant and depressed. (19 yo) was raped at 15 via date rape. never been same sense. Everyone says it is drugs. I see no signs of that.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, people are seeing something. Actually, kids who use drugs tend to be very sneaky. My daughter fooled me for a long time. What are her friends like? Nice kids? Troublemakers? Drinkers? Druggies? Any seedy boyfriend? How is school going?
    At 19, is she going to college? Working? paying rent? Helping you around the house? Looking forward to being independent?
    Do you pay for all her toys? her car insurance? Her cell phone? Her internet?
    My daughter was also assaulted and maybe that was part of the reason why she took drugs, but I really did not let that be an excuse for her. She refused help for that and for anything else and, as her drug use and disrespect escalated, she was told to leave and she DID quit everything and is doing quite well now.
    Have you ever searched your daughter's room while she was away or read her FB or cell phone texts to see what is going on? None of us like to breach privacy, but when our kids are doing poorly, sometimes that is the only way we can know what is going on and to make decisions based on that.
    Was she always difficult?
    I'm really sorry she stole from you. Most of us, sadly, know how it feels and can empathize with your hurting heart. You have many kids to care for and a lot on your plate. Your 19 year old should not be taking up too much of your time at her age.
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    MWM gave you very good advice. People kept saying "he is acting like he is using drugs" from when my difficult child was in 8th grade, and just thought they didn't understand the unique complexity of his dysfunction. For YEARS I thought that. RIght up to when he overdosed on heroin at 17. I was....stunned. He said he started drinking and smoking pot guessed it...8th grade.
    Meanwhile I was all over his twin sister...I knew she was smoking pot and trying other things...I caught her over and over, read it on her facebook, dealt out I am not a denier...and yet, I sure as heck was with him (easy child twin sister, by the way, is nearly 20 now, a junior in a very challenging wonderful college, and although she drinks more than I like has quit all other drugs, works part time while full time in school, and generally has herself together quite wonderfully. Maybe it was the consequences!!!)
    Whatever your difficult child is doing it aint right. I dont' care if it is drugs or not, I don't care why she stole from you. Try hard to act on MWM's advice...and good luck to you, we all feel for you.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She was raped 4 years ago. Has she received therapy?

    sent from mobile phone
  7. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    Thank you all. I am so happy I joined this forum. She lived away at college last year, hated it, came home this year did on semester and now has gotten a doctors note to not have to go back this semester. Sigg.... she is very disrespectful to all of us. I had not gone through her phone my odler did, she is definitely doing something because what we saw before she got out of the shower was something to the effect of "i'll get the 100.00 I just need something now". :(

    Now I have to ask you all, what do I do? Throw her out? I really think at this point she has to hit bottome before she can get out of this cycle but if anything happened to her I would die.
  8. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    Yes she was in counseling from the time I found out till she turned 18 then she refused to go. I sent her to out of state college to get away from this city and start fresh, it cost a lot of money 40K vs 18K if she went state and she couldn't gt away from what is destroying her.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    If she is using drugs in your home, obviously that is illegal activity and you could get the police involved. And she needs rehab. One can be used as leverage for the other.

    Remember it is your house not hers. You can't have illegal activity in your house because you could be held responsible for it.
  10. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    You need to kick her out. Otherwise she will destroy your entire family.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Something can happen to her if she is living in your house too. As long as she is using drugs, and with all the comforts of home, she can still overdose and die. All of our kids could.

    i believe it's best to make her leave. You have a life to live and other kids to raise and she is showing the other kids a very bad example. My two younger kids just hated it when my older one was screaming at us, swearing, or hitting the wall...they needed a break from her. So did we.
  12. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    Thank you she is destroying our family.
  13. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    Midwest mom, how did you get your child out?
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I found her having a drug party in our house. We came home one day early from a short vacation with the younger kids and she was supposed to be watching the dogs. At the time, she had convinced us she had quit using drugs and we wanted to believe her.

    This last betrayal was our final straw. All we did was tell her she had to go; that she had no choice. Of course she freaked and told us she hated us, but we weren't backing down. Finally she called her brother, who is really straight, and begged him to pick her up and let her live with him. He is in the next state. he took her, but she was leaving with or without him. This was it. We'd been dealing with this drug use and defiance since she was twelve and we had two younger kids who were scared of her and of the times the cops came to our house looking for her. My younger kids cried hysterically one night when she was arrested, placed in handcuffs and put in the back of a squad car.

    She quit while she was living with straight arrow brother because he had a zero tolerance policy and she knew he'd throw her out with no remorse or thought if she so much as lit up one cigarette in secret and he sniffed it. Funny, she quit while with him, because she knew he meant it, and not with us because she knew how upset i was and counted on me going back on my threats, which I too often did. She was 19 when she quit. She is 29 now and doing great.

    I think too many of us are afraid of our kids hating us forever. I know i was terrified of that. i cried for three weeks straight after she left and i doubt I slept. But after a while, we all got used to the peace and quiet and she started calling again...and slowly i could hear how she was growing up and gaining maturity. Her brother made her get a job and walk up and back, pay rent, clean his house and cook. it was really slave labor, but it helped her regroup. I can't say what would have happened if she'd gone out and become homeless, but, at the point we were at when we made her leave, it was a choice between her staying at home or me having a serious nervous breakdown and unable to care for my two younger kids. I have a mood disorder and anxiety and was quickly losing my footing with her meltdowns and having to watch her lose to much weight that she looked like the walking dead...i decided not to watch her self-destruction. She wouldn't let me help her.
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2014
  15. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    My son left when we told him to leave too. We stopped him at the door and went through his pockets and duffle bags. He's been back a few times, and for the most part we've had to ask him to leave again. He always goes.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    My son has been homeless three times, once for a month. He lived at a McDonald's restaurant two of those times. The first time was for a week and I thought I would die with fear for him. The second two times, I had a very sad picture in my head about how it must be and he spelled out for me how awful it was in technicolor.

    One time was in winter for 10 days over Christmas---this past Christmas. At the end I realized he was inside, had made friends and was using their cell phones (employees).

    When I got his clothes from the jail here after he went back there in early January, his coat was clean. Someone must have washed it for him.

    My eyes were again opened. He is a survivor and most addicts are. They are and can be amazingly resourceful. They can make situations work to their advantage that are beyond our comprehension.

    Yes being homeless is dangerous but it is usually temporary---they find a friend, couch surf or go to jail usually. In my sons case after the month on the street, HE asked the rehab he had left if he could come back.

    I learned another new thing---being homeless is not the end of the world.
  17. llama1965

    llama1965 New Member

    I am afraid of her. she will kill us.
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rude, disrespectful, doing drugs, stealing from you...................and you are afraid of her. Yes, I agree, she should leave. Having been raped and presently depressed is very sad, however, she is an adult, and if she is choosing to NOT seek help for herself, then there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and your family.

    You may want to check what the eviction laws are in your state. In my state, you have to formally evict someone even if they are your child and give them notice and take legal steps. If you ask her to leave and she knows this information, then you will need to do this all legally with the proper paperwork. Once done, you can have a sheriff escort her off of your property. If it is not a prerequisite in your state, then you can simply tell her to leave. If she doesn't leave, you can check with your local police, perhaps they might be able to give you more information and help you by escorting her out.

    Being afraid of her changes the playing field somewhat. Perhaps talk to the police and explain your situation. Once you understand what your rights are about eviction, you may get her things together and have a big male friend or group of friends with you to physically remove her. You would need to change the locks and get a restraining order. You should NEVER have to put up with that kind of fear in your own home. You need some legal advice and some game plan on how to get her out of your house ASAP. If I were in your shoes I would get all the information I need to know, as in the eviction laws in your state, how quickly you can change the locks, look into a security system, get a restraining order, get all your ducks in order and then remove her from your home. Give her the name of the local shelters. Ask for the police to escort her out.

    NO ONE has a right to inflict damage or harm on another person no matter who they are or what happened to them. YOU have a right to live in peace and safety. YOU will have to be the one that puts a stop to it, or your husband, because it is NOT going to be your daughter. To the degree that you allow her to hold you hostage in your own home is the degree that she will do it. DO NOT allow that. STOP this behavior right now. If you are in danger or think you are, make choices now which will keep you and your family safe before she really does do something stupid which harms you. YOU do not have to live like this..........change it. Make sure you and your family are SAFE.
  19. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the site, llama.

    I wanted to add that, though the details of our stories are different, we have all been in that place you are right now. We have lost children to drugs or mental illness or for reasons we haven't been able to name. We know in our own hearts what this is like for you. We know what it is like to be afraid of our own children, loving them the whole time and wondering how this happened, how you can help, what you can do, where to turn.

    We know those feelings of anger and brokenness and shame.

    You aren't alone with it, anymore.

    I agree with the things the others of us have posted to you, llama.

    I'm so sorry this is happening.

  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I second what Cedar said. You aren't alone. We feel for you because we feel with you. You are not alone.

    I can telll you that my whole family started to heal once difficult child was out of the house. The siblings had and still have a lot of both guilt and anger (and sometimes sadness) about him to work through...but we are better, more whole, as a family, even though a divorce happened in there too!

    At some point I realized that I didn't feel OK sleeping with him sleeping down the hall. I felt I needed to lock my bedroom door while I was asleep WITH MY OWN SON in the house. And I realized I couldn't lock the other kids doors. That helped me understand that we couldn't live that way anymore, for me, for the other kids.

    A friend of mine had 3 younger difficult children, all really awful (one in juvenile detention from 15 on, never went home again). The older two easy child's never had friends over, always "slept out" and bolted out of the house as soon as they graduated from high school. My friend thought they were just social and independent. They told her that they had a horror of being home, and didn't want their friends to see it. They told her they still have dreams of being afraid, even though nothing violent ever happened. She (mom) has not been able to put that away. I understand that. Lets learn from that, from our own selves. One person is not entitled to damage the lives of others. (I didn't say ruin because I honestly don't believe another person can ruin our lives...only we can do that to ourselves). Your difficult child does not have the right to continuously negatively impact the family without working on herself at all. You WILL ruin your own life if you let that continue.

    I'm sorry. Keep posting, we are all here for you.