HELP PLEASE!

[BusynMember]

I am afraid of her. she will kill us.

If she is that dangerous, she can kill you if she lives there too and you displease her. Do yourself a favor and get a restraining order against her, change your locks or, better yet, get a security system if you can afford one, and get her out of there. You have other kids and they deserve to be safe. So do you. Give the cops a heads up.

I'm so sorry you have seen it come to this.

 

[llama1965]

I am so thankful I joined this site. I confronted her last night, for many things, the missing money, the deceit, the lies, the booze, and the drugs in addition to the fact she continually says she has "no mother, no father, no sisiters, etc." what is that???? she has set out to hurt us and has. She has been told to be out in one month, she said fine she was planning to move out anyways. There is mental illness in my family tree, there are a lot of nuts but this is beyone mental illness.

what is a difficult child? etc? I am new and not sure....

 

[Echolette]

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/board-abbreviations-acronyms.8/#axzz2rhyQWp9x

that link is where you can find the abbreviations. difficult child is gift from g-d, which is how we refer to our adult children who have brought us here. easy child is the other kids. SO is significant other. husband darling husband (I think)..lot of abbreviations.

Make sure that "out in a month" has an actual date attached to it, and that you have a plan to get her out (locks changed etc) on that date if she hasn't gone already. Be careful about escalation in the meantime.

And remember...you are not responsible for her plans or her new living situation. When she starts with "I don't have anywhere to go"...you need to be careful to not extend the deadline, and to limit your involvement. You can find her the name of the local resource place for homeless people, ro give her the number. Stay out of it. This is detachment. She needs to figure out her own solutions to the situation that she has created. This is her only hope of getting better, and the only path for you to sanity.

Please keep us informed.

 

[Echolette]

another thought...I am worried about the month, although clearly I understand why you are giving her time....but...maybe some rules in the meantime....any drugs, outburst, further missing money, any friends in the house (this is a big one) and she has to go immediately. That gives you SOME protection against escalation, or an option if escalation occurs.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good for you llama1965, you made a very good choice. I know it's hard. Echolette gave you excellent advice. Remember that our kids are somewhat notorious around here for manipulation, secrets and lying, so you really must have the date etched in stone and there are no excuses for her to stay. She WILL find excuses and she will likely amp up her drama as the day gets closer, so be prepared. Once our kids think they will now have to be responsible for themselves and we are finished enabling them, they usually up the ante in a pretty dramatic way. She will likely resort to what has worked in the past, which is usually making YOU feel guilty about something, which then will shake your resolve significantly , enough to make you change your mind. It would be helpful if you could have a non family member, or someone not involved in your family dynamics to be present on the day so they can remind you of your commitment and also to escort her out. Our kids do not like to leave the place where they had total control and all the perks so be very prepared for the manipulations and the drama.

I have mental illness all over my family too.........it gives NO ONE a pass on personal responsibility for their actions. NO ONE.

You're doing a really good job........stay the course.

 

[llama1965]

difficult child that is great!!!!
Oh yes with the one month comes rules of the house. Curfew, no drinking, drugs (I cannot even belive I am saying this), sex, disrespectfulness no stealing (as you all know she denies everything, tells us we are crazy she will take a drug test, she will take a lie detector test etc). she was told ONE screw up and her closthes will be on the front lawn and the police will remove her from the home. Issue here is her unlce is a detective in the city and she knows I don't want the rest of my family (elderly mother, sisters ) to know. But we are going to tell them this week what is going on and why.

 

[llama1965]

Thanks for the support. I appreciate it, the first step for me was admitting my difficult child is a thief, liar, manipulator, drug addict. It seems now that I Have admitted it to myself I am ready to face her head on. HB doesn't like confrontation so it falls to me, he backs me and agrees though. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I go to a shrink myself to deal with her, I have been told exactly what you are all saying. Get her out, she is 19, she is an adult and a guest in my home. She probably doesn't want to leave because it is like carte blanck here, money, jewelery, GPS are among the many items that have gone missing. Free for all on my dime - no more. Now I am getting mad!

 

[Echolette]

Good for you for letting go of the secrecy and telling your family. Secrecy is toxic anyway ( learned this in soooo many bitter ways in my life!) Plus in this situation she knows you are afraid or ashamed, and will use it against you. Take away that tool, and simultaneously get the support of your family, and rid yourself of the burden of hiding.

You sound like you are ready to take this on. Good for you.

 

[llama1965]

Yeah, well it hasn't happened yet. But I did confront her last night about drugs, stealing etc.
Funny how she turned it all on me.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Good for you!

The only thing I would change is the part about being 19 and old enough to be on her own. I have the strong feeling that if this 19 year old were behaving decently (which she absolutely is not) you would happily have her home until she was through school or whatever. That seems like nitpicking, I know. But there is nothing normal about a difficult child. If there are any vulnerabilities in your thinking, she will find and use them to get what she wants from you.

You are not telling her to leave because she is 19. You are telling her to leave because she has decided to live an addict's lifestyle, and you refuse to have it in your home or anywhere near yourself or your other children.

You are right.

She is wrong. This whole thing is wrong, and should never have happened. Not to her, and not to you. But it is happening.

You are doing the right thing.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

difficult children always turn it onto us.

We are vulnerable to them because we love them.

They coldly use that against us.

That is why this is hard.

That is why it is important for you to know we are not judging either you or your child. This is such a hard thing to confront. You are doing great. Your difficult child will turn things inside out to make this your fault. She will have you believing you are a bad person, a bad parent. None of this is true. The more you read here, the more you will recognize your daughter and yourself in our stories.

Sadly, this is what addiction looks like.

I am sorry this is happening, but you sound so much stronger that I am sure you will make it through. Post as you need to. We may not be here right at the minute, but we will be here soon enough to help you be strong in the face of what is coming.

You can do this.

Cedar

 

[llama1965]

Thanks for the support. Yes she chose this lifestyle. She comes from a very comfortable home. My 22 year old daughter is still living home, pays rent, pays for her own cell, her car and car insurance. Works FT and is finishing up school. This one is an a-hole, typical entitled kid, I am still paying her car insurance and cell. She choose not to go back to college. The rule in my house is you stay in school and we will pay till 21 your car and cell. then you are on your own. if you chose not to finish school you pay rent and all your own bills. She could have stayed here but she chooses Occupational Therapist (OT) not come home (1:00 a.m. curfew), not call, not answer her phone that we pay for, she also drinks and smokes ciggs in her room, as I just found out today when I went through her close and found beer cans, and bottles of booze along with cigarette butts in half drunk beer cans. UNACEPTABLE! I thought I was on top of this. I have no idea how long this is going on. but I will not tolderate it anymore in my home. the blatent disrespect is killing me - I hear it is the drugs talking nothere.

 

[blackgnat]

I was just like you, llama only I was TERRIFED of my son and even after he put me in the ICU for 5 days with a bleed on the brain, I STILL allowed him to live at home and continue his reign of terror. He ruled the house. I have a younger son who rarely came out of his room because it was such a chaotic hellhole and when he did, it was usually to protect me from the difficult child who was a violent drunk. And I was the outlet for his rage.

So I totally understand the feelings here. How and why I allowed it to go on for so long only shows how sick we all were. I felt completely paralysed with fear, fear not only of him and what he was capable of, but also fear of having to act-how could any decent mother think of kicking her kid out onto the streets? I was hobbled by inertia. Was so enmeshed with him, him, him, that I rarely thought about why I was allowing him to get away with his dangerous, disrespectful and repulsive behavior.

It's the hardest thing I have EVER done and I am far from healed, but getting him out of the house was the only way to begin to get healthy. One or all of us were going to die if he kept it up and I didn't want THAT outcome.

Again, far from perfect (I have a couple of threads on here) but I think the first step is getting the difficult child out of the situation that is torturing the whole family and it doesn't have to be ideal for THEM (they are going to resist because the status quo WORKS for them!) it just has to be a place where you can have some peace of mind.

Everyone on this board is a miracle-so supportive, wise and experienced and I know you will get so much good food for thought. You have to believe what they say! I was incredulous at times when I first came here-"I'm supposed to do THAT? I can't do THAT! Well, it's alright for THEM to say it, but their situation is different!" But the members here truly have been through the same types of hell and know what they're talking about.

Hope this wasn't too much about ME (!) I just want to empathise and send support your way.

Strength and courage to you!

 

[llama1965]

I am so sorry - my difficult child has not hit me but I do sleep with one eye open. None of us are perfect, we are just trying to raise kids in a really crappy world. I keep asking where did I go wrong? today I see I went wrong when I ALLOWED her despicable, repulsive, disrespectfulness attitude to go on since June of last year.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Being angry is a really good sign Llama1965, when we get angry, we take action and we push ourselves out of the fog of believing their lies and manipulations. Once you see the truth of who your daughter has turned out to be, sad as that is, the truth will encourage right action. You are doing a great job.

Telling your family is another step in the right direction. As they say in the 12 step groups, "you are only as sick as your secrets." When all is on the table and we see the truth we can stop it and change it and get our lives back. You deserve to have a peaceful, joyful life without someone else's drama...........no matter who that someone else is..............wishing you loads of PEACE. Good job.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

llama, you didn't go wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. The situation is wrong. The situation is painful for everyone ~ your daughter, too. She will be the one who ultimately pays the price for the choices she is making, today. Heartbreaking as that understanding is, the losses she sustains will be the things that snap her out of her addiction.

If anything does.

Horribly enough, whatever we did, or do, or don't do doesn't matter. That is what they mean when they tell us to let go, to stop trying to control our childrens' situations. We can devote our lives to fixing them, convincing ourselves that we are doing them some good...but we aren't. Not really. The only person who can help the kids now is themselves.

Here is the thing. What were you supposed to do, back in June when all this started? The only way anything could have been different is if your daughter made some changes, back in June.

That is one of the hardest things about loving a child who is self destructing. We keep hooking ourselves in to try to save them. Before you know it, there are control issues all over the place. We sacrifice the joy in our own lives to concentrate on helping our self destructive kids avoid the very consequences that will help them turn things around.

It's a hard, hard place to be.

Cedar

 

[llama1965]

Everything you said is true. "I" tried, this "I" tried that, difficult child daughter did nothing except, steal more, be disruptive, disrespectful and disgusting.

 

[BusynMember]

Doesn't matter if she hit you yet or not. She is abusing you and the rest of the family. Don't ruminate over what YOU did wrong. She did wrong, not you. Every kid has some hardships growing up. It's not an excuse to treat anyone, especially family, like absolute garbage.

 

[Childofmine]

Also when you are deep into the pain and chaos of an incident, like you are right now, the whole world can look very dark.

I have learned that the world is still a wonderful, beautiful place with many caring, giving people and many opportunities to enjoy life.

EVEN IF and AS our adult addict children continue down their own painful path.

That is the fruit of loving detachment and worth working toward, one day at a time.

You can do this and through it, the good person your daughter is, and can be, today buried deep in her disease, can be restored. That is my hope and prayer for you and for her.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was TERRIFED of my son and even after he put me in the ICU for 5 days with a bleed on the brain, I STILL allowed him to live at home and continue his reign of terror. He ruled the house. I have a younger son who rarely came out of his room because it was such a chaotic hellhole and when he did, it was usually to protect me from the difficult child who was a violent drunk.


How and why I allowed it to go on for so long only shows how sick we all were. I felt completely paralysed with fear, fear not only of him and what he was capable of, but also fear of having to act-how could any decent mother think of kicking her kid out onto the streets?

I'm so sorry, blackgnat.

You have come such a long way! I hear the strength shining through your posts, now.

I am so glad you were able to come back from this. We have had to learn to be so strong, haven't we. blackgnat? Telling your story here again and again is almost always the right thing to do, even if it is on someone else's thread. This is where we teach and how we learn. Telling my own story over and over is how I began to change my thinking. This eventually led to changes in my behavior.

And then, everything changes. And we have ourselves back.

Nice to see you again, blackgnat. It sounds like difficult child is going to ramp up his behaviors. He is in for a surprise, this time.

You have us, now.

Cedar