Here I go again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ca Mom Losing Hope, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. It's been a while but I think tthat is said a lot here Seems we hope that this time will be different, but it never is. So glad to see you all still here supporting each other.

    Today i come for inclusion. To a club noone wants to belong to, but at least you will understand. At least I can be honest. Today i am not ready for the update post, but i will get theret. Today is for inclusion and acceptance of something I cannot control. Today is a day to read the detachment post. My heart breaks over and over again. Why does it never get better?
     
  2. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    I came back recently too. It truly is our soft place to land.
    I've said it before and I'll say it again, you amazing , wise members that ALWAYS know just what to say have made such a huge impact on those of us floundering.
    I always know where to come. Always.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome back.

    Does it get better?

    It is up to them for their lives to improve and many chose to get better. That is often after WE back off.

    But WE can always get better. It is our decision. Many of us are MUCH better than we once were, even if our adult kids are still struggling. There is plenty of help for us. And of course we can only control one person...ourselves.

    Love and light :)
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome back! (((((hugs)))))
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome
    At this point I post very little and come here to cope as well.

    I don’t know if it gets better but I know being here helps me cope a whole lot better.

    I regret having to be here and at the same time i so grateful I found this forum.
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I check in regularly even though Miss KT is doing well. Even though it's a club no one wants to belong to, I still feel a sense of belonging, and an obligation to share when I can.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son is in a long term program and doing well right now but I enjoy coming here and trying to offer some experience and guidance to those that are struggling.

    I am still struggling as I do not know what the future hold for our son.

    I don't know it all and it's a new learning experience daily really.

    I so hope that someday there is no one here that is in this situation!
     
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My two are off the radar. For now. I don’t know what they are doing. Sigh. There are good days and sometimes hard days for me. When it gets hard, I give it to God and pray for them to find their potential. I have to rely in faith that whatever they are doing, one day they will realize that life has so much more to offer.
    I find it helpful to keep moving, early morning walks and finding ways to strengthen myself.
    After so many years of up downs and sideways, it is essential for me not to allow myself to get caught up in the choices my two make.
    I have no control over what they do with their lives.
    The only thing I can control is my reaction and my forward momentum. Staying stagnant and enmired in despairing over their lifestyles is not an option. It does nothing for them, and just drags me down the rabbit hole along with them.
    In a sense, that is what got “better” for me. Acceptance that nothing I do, or say will change their choices. I have hope for them, but know that it is not my job to house them, or to try to fix them. They have to figure that out, and I have been through enough rounds with them to understand that having them in my home allows them to continue as is, and brings drama, chaos and misery up close and personal. That is unacceptable.
    It is not an easy road we are all on, but one can get through it with faith, hard work in self care and realizing that our grown children will forge their own way.
    In this, I am learning to guard my heart and not allow myself to slide down that slippery slope to feeling desolate. If I feel myself slipping, prayer helps. I gave my two back to God a few years ago, asking Him to take on the task of softening their hearts and helping them find their way out of the darkness. I know it is a job way too big for me. I have to keep the faith.
    In the meantime, I feel what is my job, is to work at regaining my peace and my joy. This is how it got better for me. Not basing the rest of my life on how my two choose to live theirs. After years of riding their roller coaster, I decided I just had to get off. For my own sanity. Of course, there were lots of “in your face” lessons I had to learn to get there.
    One big one, was when hubs passed.
    It changed nothing for my two.
    That’s when I began to correlate my emotional downfall with their choices as a waste. Life is short, and I realized that no matter what I was feeling, it was just another Tuesday, for them. It was as if I was feeling their consequences more than they were, you know? Then I started to think that I had placed my life and happiness on hold for so many years, as if a bargaining for them to get better. That saying, “I would give an arm and a leg” for them to be safe, stop drugging, be responsible. They would have both of my arms and legs.
    It does get better Camom. For us. It gets better with the realization the kids will do what they do and we have no control over their choices. It gets better when we know life is short, and we strive to live the best rest of our lives.
    At first, that feels selfish. “How can I live well when my d c is out their struggling?”
    Then, I realized that the best thing I could do is model what I wished for them, to really take care of themselves.
    So, that is what I strive for. To take good care of myself. Me falling to pieces along with them, helps nothing.
    You got this Camom. Keep building your toolbox, strengthen yourself.
    You matter. You have the rest of your life to live.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  9. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    Little mind trick that I learned that I use often when I feel like things are never going to get better with son's choices. I visualize myself in a huge reservoir with a ladder leading me out. I take one step and then next step and the next. Over and over again, I visualize myself stepping out of his choices and his mess. That repetitive visual works for me every time. Even if its just to fall asleep!!!