Here we go again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by LeaMac, Feb 21, 2018.

  1. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    Quick recap- daughter, 28, out of rehab (2nd time) for a month for heroin use. Has been mostly unemployed throughout her 20s. After first time in rehab we found her a room to rent within walking distance of a job she found and paid first three months rent, at which point she left the place a trash heap and took off pregnant to Florida. During this last stint of drug use ( back from Florida) she broke into our home twice and stole from us, has lied and used us so many times. We have since installed a security system and secured a restraining order. Her infant son was placed in foster care when she admitted herself for detox. She blames us for not taking the baby ( we are retired and in our 60s). And we did not want to put ourselves in the midst of the situation.

    Through the help of this site and my therapist I think I have finally achieved detachment, and have kept her blocked on my phone for several months. But she texted my husband yesterday. She is living in a trailer park ( don’t know who she’s with) an hour away. She has a court date in June to see if she can regain custody of the baby, and says she has to get to a meeting with CYS near here this week, and wants us to wire her money to fill her gas tank. Despite our suggestions to go into sober living near public transportation, she is apparently located two miles from a bus stop. She hasn’t found a job bcz (she claims) she can’t get to the interviews. We live in a metro area. If she can get to the bus, she can then rent the trains and for $9.00 get a ticket to get to her meeting. My plan was to wire her the money, then meet her at the station at this end. If she showed up I would give her money for the return trip.

    But in the course of the back and forth she threw up so many reasons why none of this would work, and if I would just send her gas money her problems would be solved and she could Make a new life for herself, and she’s trying her hardest, and her father and I are going to let it all go just for the cost of a tank of gas, etc, etc. ( a very old refrain) I finally gave up, suggested she set up a FaceTime meeting with CYS, and blocked her again. So she sent her dad a text saying, “You’re f****** me more and more!!*

    I don’t know why I thought she would heed any of my suggestions. CYS is also requiring her to get IOP but she claims her insurance won’t cover it and she has no transportation anyway. I tried to explain that the requirements (IOP, a job) are to help HER to feel better and live a stable life. But I guess I am wasting my breath. All she has are reasons why nothing I say will work. Her problems are too big for me.

    Sorry this is long but I needed to vent.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI Leamac, I am so sorry for your troubles with your daughter and your need to be here. I am headed to work so will be brief. This ran through my mind as I read your post- "Nothing changes, if nothing changes."
    Why do these adult d cs think it is our obligation to get them out of the holes they dig for themselves? If your daughter were truly changing, I don't think she would be demanding money for gas, making excuses and sending abusive, blaming, swearing texts to her father. FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) alert! The more we try to stand up and say "You are capable" the more they try to draw us back in to the spin of it all. I believe this is a strong signal to you to keep your guard up, stand firm, please don't let her manipulate you.
    As for taking care of her baby, that is her mess she made. It is NOT your fault. I am sorry she feels this way, as a grandmother I know how difficult it can be. Heart wrenching. One has to weigh what we are capable and willing to do against our wishes for our grands to live a good life too. I have three grands who are not living with me for various reasons, and it is not easy. I love them dearly, but cannot take them in.
    Don't apologize for venting, we have all been there, when the absurdity of our d cs situations gets overwhelming.
    Stay strong and be kind to yourself. This stuff can be so stressful, emotionally and mentally exhausting.
    You matter, your time and relationship with your husband matters.
    Take care. Sending warm and gentle hugs of understanding!
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  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Dearest LeaMac, I will walk with you on this horrific terrible heart breaking journey. I have one daughter, now only child age 35 almost 36. She tries to get money from me all the time and recently ripped me off for $10,000. Your daughter's transportation needs are her problem. And I feel so justified for you for blocking her because I know how much strength it took for you to do that and I understand how broken you feel having to do this, but being on the outside looking in YOU did the perfect right thing, something that I am working on.

    I am in the process of detaching and it sounds like you are down the road on this. I know all the emotions that go with this that is why you are on here having to type out your agony.
    I understand your pain and I am so sorry. It's times like this I wish you could just come over to my house, have a nice cup of hot tea and take and long walk. There is so much healing from being on the same journey and trying to figure all this out and where to go with it. I know where to go with it, but need to get a bit for aggressive. By blocking your daughter you are teaching her to take care of her own business. I felt proud for you taking the bull by the horns, I know how rough this is. Peace be with you.
  4. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    It sounds like your daughter is making a lot of excuses and trying really hard not to take responsibility for anything, and also trying really hard to get money from you. It's obvious from your note that you and husband are doing the right thing by trying to keep some boundaries up.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is a big "I can't" person. Every suggestion I make to him, however reasonable, is met with a long rant about why he can't. It is endless. So nothing changes for him because "I can't."

    It really gets old. I do get it. I refuse to tell him any suggestions anymore. It's too frustrating.

    You can only say things so much and hear "I can't" before ya go nuts.

    For me, this son lives two states away. It would be harder if he could just drop by to complain about his situation but do nothing to change it.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Lea,

    Sounds like your daughter is not ready to get her life together, yet.

    If she was, she would be grateful for any suggestions that you offered.

    A while back I was in a parking lot, loading my groceries into my car, when a woman and her pre-teen son came up to me and asked for money. She said she needed gas to get to a homeless shelter in a town a some miles away. I thought she was telling the truth, as I couldn’t believe she would lie right in front of her child, who was old enough to understand.

    I told her to meet me at the gas station at the far end of the parking lot, and I would put gas in her car for her. She immediately had several reasons why that just wouldn’t work—oh, I don’t want to put you to the trouble, don’t you have any cash—I can get the gas on my own.

    I told her I didn’t have any cash on me, and she actually asked me to go back into the store and get cash from my credit card!

    When I told her no, she wondered off, and I saw her hitting up someone else.

    Then she actually came back over to me to complain that the man she asked for money from had had a big wad of cash but only gave her two dollars....

    There is plenty of help out there, if she wanted to get her life together.

    I’m sorry your daughter is doing this, but you are doing a great job not falling for it!

  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So agree with the others. Everyone here has had so much experience with all of this!! It does not sound like your daughter is ready to stop drugging to me either.

    Leafy's posts/experience helped me tremendously when I was in a bad spot with our son.

    Just reread these posts over and over again until it is stuck in your head and becomes second nature.

    We want our Difficult Child to change their way of thinking but WE also must change OUR way of thinking!! It is very hard but with determination and will it can be done. You may want to see a therapist for yourself that specializes in addiction. This forum and my therapist has helped me tremendously.

    I have changed so much that it is rather shocking to me. I knew that I had to do it to survive. It can be done but it is hard work.
  8. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    Thank you all. I guess you know how much it helps to tell my story and receive your support. Despite my newfound “ detachment” I needed to hear that I was doing the right thing by keeping my boundaries. Honestly I think my detachment is largely a result of just being too emotionally and physically weakened by all of this to engage anymore. Of hitting my 65 birthday and realizing that I can spend the time left me enmeshed in her hopeless mess, or enjoying my life. And the support I’ve received by reading and posting here gave me the strength I needed. New star, wish I could take you up on that tea and long walk, but just your having said it warmed me.
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  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    All this shows she’s definitely not ready to regain custody of the baby, so there’s no reason for you to waste money. She’s probably just scamming you for drug money anyhow. Until she takes responsibility for her situation and does what she needs to to fix it, she’s in no position to care for a baby. Blaming you and your husband for the situation she’s gotten herself into shows nothing has changed, and nothing will until she takes responsibility for the choices she’s made.
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  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My question would be if you don't even have money for gas how are you going to have the money to take care of a baby.
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She shouldn't get the baby. She is an addict. If she wanted her baby back she would have quit no matter how hard. This is her CHILD. And getting to the court.. nothing could keep her from Court even if she had to walk ten miles if she wanted to be with her baby the way most mother's do. Would anything stop YOU from going? Even no gas?

    This baby deserves better. It is not about the daughter. It's about the innocent baby. Please don't help her try to pretend she is safe to raise a child. Any cash you send her will be used for heroin. She hardly sounds sober. Going to rehab doesn't guarantee sobriety. I wouldn't give her a red cent as you could very well be buying her more drugs. Unless you drive there and put gas in her car yourself and pay yourself, don't do it. Addicts should never receive cash....they lie about needing it for other things when it is really for drugs. You don't want to help her use heroin, I know.
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2018
  12. LeaMac

    LeaMac New Member

    “Somewhere”- you have said what I was trying to push to the back of my mind. By suggesting the bus/ train option to her, which would be inconvenient and long, I guess I was hoping she would do it, which would show her resolve to do whatever it took to get the baby. But, of course, she is 28 and could easily have figured out public transport on her own. After all, she figured out how to get heroin time and again. Also she has food and cigarettes- if she can get to a store, then why not a bus stop?
    Maybe I am not as detached as I think. When I think of this situation, I imagine her broken-hearted and desperate to see the baby, as I would be. But the fact is I don’t really know her anymore.
    Your comment about helping her pretend struck a chord too, bcz as I was trying to help her arrange this I thought, “Why am I doing this? If she can’t or is t willing to figure this out herself, how can she care for a baby? and take him where- to a trailer with some stranger where there’s not even money for gas?
    Thanks for your objectivity and frankness. It’s helping me to keep on track.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your welcome
    It's easy to see from the back seat, you know? I lived this,but don't anymore and the insight on drug abusers that my now clean daughter gave me by example and after she quit in her words taught me so much. I try to share what I learned. I was shocked when she shared exactly what she really did when she was using meth and cocaine and how I was duped

    Your daughter is not on her feet nor clean. Do you really want your grandchild in the hands of heroin addicts? What if you heard this story but it was somebody else's daughter living your daughters life? Would you urge the woman to help her heroin addicted daughter who won't inconvenience herself to see her baby to help this other woman hep her sick, addicted daughter to get her baby back?

    Like you I am not young anymore. I am 64. I know it would not be in any baby's interest to live with me. At 64 you never know if you will get sick and then the baby will need to be moved again. It's not fair to this child. Was the baby born with drugs in her? Probably. I adopted a child with crack in his system. It is very taxing. These babies need MORE and neither you or your daughter can do that now. My son has autism and did not sleep for two years. He had delays and I had to rush him from service to service almost every day. And he had fits in public when young and O had to pick him up while he kicked and bit me yet I had to be kind and gentle as it was not his fault. Could you physically do that if needed? Would your daughter have the patience?

    Do not feel guilty. And don't let daughter fool you like mine fooled me.
    My daughter told me "Never trust a drug addict. Ever. They lie."

    Hugs light and love.
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2018
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    SWOT has such amazing advice. Listen to her. Don't ever give your daughter a penny unless you pay it to the person giving the service and you see the service being done or the item being given to your daughter. Many times addicts want children because then they can get food stamps and other welfare type benefits. Many unscrupulous type businesses will give them a small percentage of the amount of the benefits in cash rather than the food or whatever. Then the addict gets high rather than the child getting fed. I know this happened to my own Niece for years. Her mother got food stamps and other benefits and my parents gave money to "keep bills paid" when half the time the money really went to booze or dealers.

    Don't help an addict keep a child. It won't be a good life for a child. The people an addict has around them are NOT the kind of people a child should have around. EVER. I did what I could to get Niece away from her mother, and then I had to detach from her and the situation. I had to deal with my own children. By the time she is an adult, she will probably want nothing to do with her mother. Niece has 2 older half brothers who literally would not speak with their mother if they were not guilted into it. Knowing how she treated them as children, I don't blame them.

    Don't help an addict get custody of a child. Ever.
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  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Walking two miles to the bus won't kill her. In fact, exercise is good for everybody.

    My daughter used to act just like your daughter and I often gave in to her demands. I finally learned to say no and it changed my life. You are not responsible for her problems . . . she is. She ignored your suggestion of finding a place to live close to transportation. The natural consequence of that is that she will have to walk two miles to the bus stop.

    My therapist helped me understand that my daughter was going to do whatever she wanted to do and there was nothing I could do to change that. All I could do is change my behavior and responses to her behavior.

    It sounds like you have come a long way towards detachment. It is very easy to drawn back into their drama and they are experts at manipulation. Don't let her hook you back in.

    Her text to her dad speaks volumes.