I thank you all for all your thoughts, prayers, advice and empathy. There were so many things I wanted to respond to...but I think this sums it up:
It sounds so simple to say if they would only take responsibility for their own actions and stop blaming their circumstance on everyone and everything. I have thought that about my own difficult child so many times and yet the blame game continues. Hang in there!!
Sending you ((HUGS))
Doesn't it sound simple? Don't lie, cheat, steal or hurt others. Accept responsibility for your own actions. Take care of business first and fun after. Simple rules for living that we tried, we really tried, to teach. I really don't know why it didn't take.
So...update I guess.
He had called (and I posted) while we were at our second job, cleaning our church. A few hours later as we were finishing up, he called back. He has found out he
can cold-cot from the time he gets off work until morning...so a few hours at least on the coldest nights. He has 72 hours to get out of the shelter, so he has three days to get things in order. He was calmer, at least, and asked if we would go get his phone. J-1 had taken it and then wound up in the next town over. As we had decided already to do that we agreed. He also was calm enough he wanted to go when I exchanged his Xmas gift (I bought the wrong book) but I was too tired to deal with it, so I told him I'd bring the new book with the phone. Turns out that didn't happen because they had to order the book, but he didn't mind. We dropped off the phone and that's that for now.
We never actually said that we'd take the phone...that is we never made it an ultimatum, but we did tell him it was a possibility. Tonight, I think we made it an ultimatum. While he is still fully to blame for his 4th write-up...he wouldn't have had this happen if he hadn't loaned out his phone. We do NOT pay for a phone so his buddies can use it!
FWIW, his 4 write-ups have been minor things, but I see their point. Running a shelter, you have to have rules and stick to them or it's chaos. Twice he missed his chore (once he took a paying job that was leaving right then and he didn't take the time (or have the time) to get it covered), once he was with a group of people who were standing in this breezeway between buildings that they don't want people to gather at, and once for a fight (shouting not fists) with J-1. So yeah...always his fault...so minor, but always his fault.
We left the house at 12:30 and got home about 7:30. We don't usually shower before we go clean, because we're the only ones there and we're going to get all hot and sweaty and dirty anyway...so we're exhausted and gross. Our son has now declined to go to the family Christmas tomorrow...which is actually kind of good. I'll be glad to have the day away.