Hi, Marie. I also invite you to come to Parent Emeitus.
I've felt the pain you feel and I'm very sorry for your hurting heart. There is a big BUT...But at age 43, your son IS a selfish person to accept a dime from his mother who should be retired. in my opinion you need to let him be the middle age man he is. You raised him, but that was a long time ago and you did not raise him to become an addict. Addicts take money from whomever will offer it, but that money goes for drugs and could end up killing them. I am assuming drugs is the issue and apologize if it isn't. Usually that's the problem, but not always. Some of our grown adult children are just not very nice or have personality disorders such as narcissistic or antisocial or borderline. These sort of folks are not crazy, but have no problem leeching off of the world and they don't like working. they lack normal empathy for others as well.
I have a 36 year old son who is a problem and I refuse to help him...his father helps him sometimes, but his father wouldn't help him if he weren't at least working and not selling and using drugs (they go together...my daughter took drugs for a while and told me the details of drug life).
I am guessing that, like most of our adult children, he had your unconditional love all of his life and whatever you could give him. And he didn't appreciate it. And he probably just calls you for money, not to ask how you feel or what he can do to help YOU?
I feel really badly that you have spent so many years taking this journey, but I feel it is time to retire and live the rest of your life and enjoy every single day and let your son decide his own fate. You can't change him and a few bucks or a lot of bucks won't help him either. There are shelters when it is cold. I volunteered at one. Of course, you must be clean and sober to stay. There are usually some rules.
I am 61 and started my journey of detachment long ago. If I hadn't, due to a lot of both misfortune and naivety on my part, I would probably be dead from the grief of all I've experienced. Instead, I have chosen to learn by it all and to thrive. I am not always perfect...I have suffered mental illness myself all of my life so nothing is easy. But I did it and have so much to be thankful for, in spite of th e harder lessons I had to learn along life's ways. I'm sure you have loved ones who wish you'd let this man, your son, fall or rise on his own...they would probably be happy to see you retired and enjoying yoruself. So would I. So would all of us here. Most of us have made a decision to take care of ourselves and detach from those we love, but know we can not change.
With all my heart and with every fiber in my being, I hope you can learn detachment skills and retire and not waste the rest of your life on a 43 year old, even if he is your son. You matter, and your happiness matters, as much as his does. And you can control your happiness. You can not control anything about your son.
Do something great for yourself tonight!!! Order a scrumpteous hot fudge sundae that you can't finish and watch your favorite movie while you eat ir or take a hot bubble bath with a book in hand and try not to get the book wet. Call a dear friend or loved one and go out for a drink or coffee. Throw a party alone all for YOU. You have lived your entire life for your son and it's your day now
Join us over at PE
Lots of nice people hang there.
