How can I leave my dysfunctional marriage?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jules71, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    I can no longer tolerate being married to a difficult child. My husband and my actual 12 yr old difficult child do not get along and my husband has decided he is no longer going to do ANYTHING! The house is literally falling apart around us. I quit my job 7+ years ago when I had my youngest son and have been a stay at home mom since.

    My question is this - how can I get out of this horrible situation? My husband refuses to leave. We cannot afford two households but this is so dysfunctional it is killing me and not good for my children. I have not worked in close to 8 years and am no longer up to par in my field (technology). I also cannot work traditional hours because I CANNOT LEAVE difficult child ALONE. Not to mention all the school breaks and days off. So what are my options? What can I do?

    Not to mention my difficult child is so out of control and belligerent. He is currently talking 2 mg of Intuniv only which I doubt is really doing anything. I feel like just running away. I need a plan and I am realizing I cannot just suck it up and stay in this situation.

    Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
  2. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Try this website for difficult child adult/adult relationships:
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry things are so bad now.

    Is marriage counseling an option? Have you already decided to leave? Is there a possibility you can save your marriage?

    Could you make an appointment to see a divorce attorney for one consultation to see what your options are? You would receive alimony and child support I presume.

    You might begin a class to bone up on your tech skills.

    I think when you are looking at a decision of this kind of magnitude that will impact all of your lives, you need to take it one step at a time and develop a plan. You might make an appointment with a therapist, counselor or minister, someone who can counsel you, someone to talk to and to offer you options. It's difficult to see reasonable options when you are in the midst of such a chaotic environment.

    I left my daughter's father when she was just 18 months old, it was a very hard decision. I was in a women's group at the time, and those women were my saviors, they listened to me, they counseled me, they supported me through that whole episode in my life. Find someone to talk to, or a group of someones, so you can begin to get clear on the steps you need to take in order to get to where you want to go. It's not easy to leave a marriage, but sometimes it's necessary for our well being and getting yourself support and clear answers to the questions you have about finances, custody, etc, will be very important.

    We develop the strength we need when we're faced with these kind of life challenges. Hang in there. Get yourself some support.

    Wishing you some peace on your journey. I know it's hard.
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Jules71, Im so sorry hugs. I know whats its like to have two difficult child, or at least difficult child, daughter with other issues, grandpa- wow I wont go there. My dad, my sis is a difficult child but no diagnose and moving back in, so I understand. Omg again, I understand about medications, I hope the Intuv does work for your difficult child... Im playing the medication games as well, and no Job all these years either. And the care, I totally get it. Do you know anyone else who has a difficult child close to you that you both could maybe take turns with your kids so you can at least start with a part time job? If I lived close to you Id help you for sure. I agree with 2much2recover and recoveringenabler.. counseling?
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Do you want custody of the children? If so, you need somewhere to go first and you must take the kids with you or he can say you abandoned them and go for custody. Now he may NOT want them, but if you think he does, be careful. I learned a little bit about custody when my son went through a divorce and a successful custody battle for joint legal/physical and 50% of the time with his son, and one thing you do if you don't want to lose custody is you never ever abandon your children to the ex. If you do, then your ex will have a great chance of getting a bigger chunk of custody and rights to the kids than you, and he doesn't sound like he would do a very good job of that. Do you have friends or family who understand and can help?

    It sometimes takes planning and saving money and getting a job and having it in the back of your mind that this is for the future before you are actually in a position to leave. I had to plan for three years as I had no family to depend on and only one close, close friend who I didn't want to put too much upon. Now if the jerk is abusing you, that's different. Call the police and get a report...I'm not sure if they can make him leave the house, but it's worth a try. You can't stay or leave the kids with a violent man. If he is just mean, I'd get into therapy, try to avoid him ASAP, and plan your moves. Won't hurt to talk to a lawyer. Most first meetings are free.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    On the job front - given that your background is technology, you might be able to find work that you can do from home.
    Now, that IS a challenge when you're trying to get work done around a difficult child or two or more (been there done that...), but sometimes it is an option.
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Have you researched what would be available to you through Social Services? Is your difficult child eligible for Social Security Disability? Also you may want to get in touch with your local domestic violence center. Family abuse, even that coming from children is becoming more excepted in the DV community. Do you feel your husband is abusing you in other ways than physically i.e. mentally (not being supportive or lashing out) emotionally, of financially? Sometimes in dealing with difficult child we will overlook the "other" types of abuse as it is easier to excuse as "in at least he/she doesn't beat me up"

    There are a lot of online free classes right now, see what jobs are available as work from home and brush up on on skills through classes and YouTube videos in your spare time.

    Also if you can not get out to get to some support groups to start managing what is going on with you emotionally, can you join some online groups where you feel safe expressing yourself to build your self esteem back up? Do you have the insurance for therapy and could you go while difficult child is in school?
    These are not questions to be answered to me but just ideas to get you thinking.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Planning is everything. I would get counseling if possible for yourself and your spouse if he would agree to it. Try to squirrel away whatever money you can get your hands on. If he is physically abusive, contact a DV shelter and proceed with caution.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Contact your local Women's Shelter. (Look it up online.) They will know what resources are available for you. If there isn't one, or if their advice is not helpful, then call United Way crisis line. This number used to be 211 from anywhere in the country. If your part of the country no longer funds the 211 service, look in the blue pages of your phone book under Social Services. Is there an Information and Referral number? Call them. Explain your situation as you have to us here, and ask what services are available to help someone in your situation. I wholeheartedly agree with pasajes: If domestic violence (including verbal or emotional abuse) is an issue, take the kids and go to a Women's Shelter.

    I admire your strength in facing this head on.

    Good for you.

  10. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    I am reading over these reply carefully. Thank you all. He is not physically abusive but definitely emotionally/psychologically. Of course he turns it around and blames me for everything. He will not go to counseling. He does not believe he is doing anything wrong. Whenever difficult child starts up he leaves. He left right before thanksgiving dinner and didnt come back until after the dishes were long done. It was just me, our 2 kids, and my mom. No regard for me slaving away to put a meal on the table. That was the second time he left that day. He also walked out yesterday when we were decorating the tree and then celebrating my mother's birthday. No regard for anyone but himself.

    Oh but he "works", so his part is done. He blames me for all of difficult child's problems and says if I leave everything will be fine. I guess he thinks he can yell and beat him into compliance which we all know doesn't work for difficult child's. He is never going to change. I am never going to be able to sit down and have a conversation with him or come up with a plan. He won't talk to me. If I want to talk he thinks I'm trying to "run his life". He bitxhes about being starving when he comes home from work but he won't make himself a lunch. He bitxhes about walking to work in the rain but won't fix his truck so he can drive. He is like a CHILD. I am married to a child.

    We are upside down in our house so I have no idea how we can get out of that. I'm sure I would get child support and alimony but he would fight me for the kids just to spite me and also because he got screwed over from his ex wife many years ago so he said he would never let that happen again. He wants to drive me crazy so I will leave because he knows whoever leaves usually gets the bad end of the deal. I would never leave my children though. I've tried to figure out a way to just deal with it but it definitely is not good for my children to see their father behave like this and it's teaching them to walk out.

    We have one car so when he leaves for hours we don't have transportation. Wonder if I should cash out my 401k (8 of the 12 years of employment were before we were married) and rent an apt and move my kids out. Can he stop me? Can he stop my kids? So sick of being psychologically beat down and having him turn it all around and tell me I am the problem. :(
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jules, get professional legal and emotional support. Find out exactly what your options are. Once you do that, and receive the support you need now, you will be able to develop a plan based on your best interests. Begin a list of questions you need to ask an attorney. One being should you cash in your 401K now. Sometimes in the midst of such turmoil we end up making choices that are not in our best interests, because we are afraid. Get all your ducks in order with professional guidance. Once you know what your options are, exactly what can legally occur, you will be in a position of strength, not weakness. Knowledge is power. Get yourself all the knowledge you can. I believe if you are the Petitioner, the one who initially seeks the divorce, you are in a better position then the other. But an attorney will be able to advise you on what is in your best interest.

    Change is hard, but it sounds as if you are ready to make the changes necessary for your own well being.

    Hang in there.
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  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    You could use part of the money for and apartment and part for a lawyer. Beware the taxman as taking 401K money out early comes with a nasty tax bite - leaving you with less money than you think. Sounds like a good option though.
    Also any chance your difficult child husband donated the DNA to the difficult child child? Meaning do you see traits in him reflected in the behaviors of the child? I still think you should visit the webpage.
    So sad that you put so much into a happy family holiday just to seem your efforts go unappreciated!
    Also not to make you feel worse but any chance he is having an affair? It's sort of strange that he would leave your house on a family day.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jules, just adding in some support (others have given good advice). Sending prayers and gentle hugs your way.
  14. snees

    snees New Member

    I am so sorry for your situation. I just left my marriage and my husband refused to leave the home. Luckily I have the ability to get our own house and the kids live with me. He never did much of anything. Have you spoken to an attorney. i am not sure where you live but Mr. Wonderful could be compelled to leave the home if you can prove you are the primary care provider.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  16. hhi

    hhi New Member

    I'm sorry that your husband is being so self absorbed and difficult.

    Seems like he's being Passive Aggressive.

    "A personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and characterised by passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to complying with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. Behaviors: Learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible"
  17. hhi

    hhi New Member

  18. TiredSoul

    TiredSoul Warrior Mom since 2007

    Omg!! This fits to a "T".
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just checking in. I hope you can make a good plan and move forward. Good luck.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    from the sound of things, I strongly urge you to seek advice from a domestic violence group. There are LOTS of ways to be violent without ever lifting a finger to hit someone. Start there and ask for help. It is usually free and they can help you formulate a plan, find a lawyer and housing and help, even find help via social services and programs to help women reenter the workforce.

    It won't be easy but it is possible. PLEASE don't say 'but he never hit me' as that is so far from the only kind of violence that it isn't even a teensy bit funny. It sounds like your husband is abusive in his own difficult child way and leaving with-o a plan for safety is incredibly dangerous. Thinking that he will lose control over you will enrage him, and leaving is the most dangerous time. You truly cannot be too careful or too safety minded in this situation. I know of a lady who's husband never once hit her or physically harmed her, he just was emotionally and verbally violent and controlling. She left. He went to a place she shopped at, dumped gas on her and set her on fire. Right there in public. He had NEVER hurt her before and tried to say he 'just lost it', but you don't carry gas in a soda bottle if you just lost it. Or carry a lighter when you are not a smoker. That takes planning. few people thought he would hurt her, just yell and make things ugly. She almost died. Her parents still have a hard time filling up the tank on their cars because just the odor of gas causes flashbacks. A local service station that is a bit out of the way gives them a discount on full serve gas for another year (total of five years of charging the self serve price for full service) so that they don't have to pump the gas because it is so hard for them to do. (Smaller towns are great, in my opinion.)

    PLEASE take care, get help and have a safety plan as you leave. You have NO idea what a difficult child will do when he thinks he is losing control over you. Your kids NEED you, and all of you need to be safe. PLEASE reach out for help from a DV center. You really cannot be too careful or protect yourself too much in this situation with a difficult child.