How do I go about getting my son to move out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Elsieshaye, Oct 3, 2011.

  1. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I have only read a few posts here, but the minute I started reading I felt like I belonged and got tears in my eyes.

    BG: I have one son, who just turned 18. He's had behavioral issues since he was in preschool (4 hour tantrums), and spent a lot of time in legal trouble. At various times, he's been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, conduct disorder and several other things (although the most consistent and supportable are the ADHD, the ODD and the conduct disorder). He's been home for 2 years now, after living in a group home for a year. /BG

    The group home was helpful, but after being back at home and especially after graduating from HS this past June, he just went into a spiral. Disrespectful, out all night, pot-smoking, drinking, threatening and bullying. I asked him to be out of the house for good by 1 October, and then caved because he's unemployed and the only living situation he could find was with a 27 year old mentally ill friend (who's struggling with his medications and lives with his parents). He was functionally homeless for a week, and his attitude improved significantly, but plummeted again as soon as I told him he could come home until the end of the year.

    Now, I find myself just tremendously resentful, and counting the days 'til he leaves. Plus, I'm just scared that I won't be able to follow through. He's a lot like his father, my ex-h, and is most likely to not do anything towards getting a job and finding a place to live, so that it will come down to me kicking him out. My stomach knots just thinking about it, but I know he can't stay. I can't even speak politely to him, and everything he does irritates me. I know this is because I feel powerless, trapped, guilty and ashamed (versus being a direct result of his behaviors - which are still snotty and disrespectful, but less so than before).

    I know the mechanics of what I have to do - continue to repeat my expectations for his behavior, find ways to consequence him in the interim that actually mean something (like witholding money and cutting off his cell phone or the internet), and then change the locks and pack up his stuff come the end of December.

    But, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around actually -doing- these things, and I feel like an awful person. (by the way, living with his father isn't a good option. DS hasn't spoken to him in months, and refuses to see him. The ex has some significant emotional problems, and the two of them together get really volatile. DS has said that he will physically harm his father if his father provokes him, and I believe him. I cut the ex off totally - email and phone blocked - once DS turned 18, because he had made our lives so hard for so long. I can't say that I blame DS for not wanting to live with his father.)

    Thank you for letting me vent. Any suggestions on how to get from where I am now to a place where I can trust myself to follow through on what I need to do are greatly appreciated.


    ETA: My biggest struggle is with knowing how to judge whether I am doing something because it is the right thing (consequence-wise), or because I am angry and frustrated. Dumb things hold me back, like simultaneously feeling bad about not buying groceries he likes (because it makes me feel mean and neglectful) and feeling taken advantage of because I feel like I'm making things too cushy for him and not being consistent. I have a very hard time having confidence in my actions and knowing whether I feel bad about what I do because I'm a doormat, or because what I'm doing isn't appropriate. Therapy helps somewhat, but not entirely.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He is now an adult. He s not working, he is not in school, he is not paying rent and he is not respectful. He does NOT belong in your home. AT. ALL. Esp not if he is using drugs. Most of the time if a person admits to pot they are doing a LOT more. There are a few who don't, but that is a pretty general rule.

    Why do you feel you must let him stay to the end of the year? It will be very cold then, and he will use that to play on your guilt. in my opinion tell him that at the end of the week he has to go, or the end of the month, and that if he damages ANYTHING, or threatens you or hurts you in ANY way, then you will call the police and press charges. AND DO IT. Get a list of local shelters and give it to him.

    If he stays in your home, everything paid for, not having to do anything like hold a job or go to school or be useful in any way, why would he grow up and be a man? Seriously, if someone paid for you to do nothing, what would motivate you to go and work hard? THAT is what he is experiencing. He bullies you into letting him live there, either with guilt or whatever, and then he doesn't have to do much of anything.

    in my opinion drugs mean an adult kid is out of my house NOW. Go sleep on the street. WHY? Because until their life is so awful, so horrible that they cannot stand it, they won't get clean and they won't grow up.I can see how parents want to know their kids are okay. But honestly, if your kid is using drugs how can he be okay?

    I am far harder on this than many because I grew up with a bro that was an alcoholic by age 12 and abused me in many ways before that, but it got a lot worse after the sub abuse started. My parents couldn't see it or cope with it. My kids started as toddlers learning how I felt about drugs/alcohol abuse - and that if they chose it, they wouldn't live with me. I won't go back.

    But I CAN see how hard this is on your heart, and how your son has probably blamed YOU for everything. After hearing that said a few million times, it is a lot easier to believe it, or at least wonder if it is true than to put it back on him. That is what addicts and abusers do.

    You may not be able to make him move out now. It is okay. You don't have to do it all at once. The first two things you do are find a therapist for YOU and start going at least once a week, and to find the local alanon or narcanon meetings and attend as many each week as you possibly can. You don't have to talk at meetings. EVER. You NEED to go to them though.

    Addiction is a family disease. It isn't like cancer that only makes one person sick. Addiction makes the entire family sick. Those who aer not addicted learn to be codependent. Alanon and a good therapist will help you work through this and get to the point where you don't wrap yourself up in resentment and where you are ready to say "You gotta go. Now. Bye! I hope you do very well, and if/when you are ready to live a clean and sober life, I will help you as much as I can. But you have to do it, and you have to go. I love you very much, see you somewhere else."

    It may sound cold, and it may take you a long time to be able to say that. I know people in their 70's who still haven't told their 50yr old kids that. I know those who have, and decades later their child is still not clean and sober. They love their kids, and are doing what they are ready to do.

    I do know that if you continue to let your son live at home and you pya his bills, he has NO incentive to work. when you are crashing on couches, eating what you can find, NOT having the internet, etc.... and the games and toys you were used to at your parents, you then have some motivation to find work and to keep a job. Not everyone takes that road, some become homeless, but that is their CHOICE. You have to get to the point where you can let your son live with the natural and logical consequences of his choices.

    YOU chose to get a job, work hard, build a life, have a home. You CHOSE to get all the help you could for your son, including giving him up to a group home for a period of time so that he could learn what he needed to learn to function in the world. Now is the time to CHOOSE to go to therapy, to CHOOSE to go to alanon, and to begin to make the choice to let him live with teh consequences of his slacker, drug use lifestyle. He may spend time in a shelter or even on the streets. WHen he is ready to do the work, and to find a way to get clean, then he will. Then you may be able to help him, but right now your help is helping him to choose a life that is not healthy or productive.

    Do NOT NOT NOT beat yourself up over not tossing him out right away, or whatever you do. the goal is not perfection - it is progress. Progress usually comes in baby steps, like making that appointment with the therapist, or wth a second or third therapist if the first one isn't right for you (ANY therapist who says you need to keep difficult child in your home is NOT the right therapist, in my opinion. Esp if they use guilt to do it!). Looking up those alanon meetings is a step, going is another one.

    Just coming here to read was a good step. Posting was another good step. So you are already on the path!
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    by the way, for as much as I say that an addict is OUT, it took me a LONG time to get there. For the last 8-10 yrs my gfgbro's main addiction/bad behavior that anyone saw is being abusive to me, my husband and my kids. He always felt he had the right to do anything he wanted to me because he was "in charge" of me. It didn't stop when I became an adult, when I married it just put another person into that category in his mind, and when I had kids it added more people. Getting sober did not change it at all.

    The first time someone told me that he was toxic to me and I needed to cut him out of my life I was 18 or 19, writing other people's term papers to pay for therapy so I didn't have to tell my parents about it. It was well over 20 years before I made that break. Just last year, in fact. It still feels strange sometimes, but it has been one of the most peaceful years of my life. ANd I have learned a LOT of scary stuff that my kids hid from me that he did to them. Not with, to.

    So i totally understand that you are at the BEGINNING of this journey, and no one here, not me or anyone else, expects you to walk in, tell your difficult child to get out by fri or whenever, and feel great about it. Right now you have to start to get YOU healthy. And that starts with alanon and a therapist.
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Welcome and ((((HUGS))))

    I know you are hurting and confused, and all sorts of other emotions, BUT you have answered your own questions and calmed your own fears already, you just don't realize it yet.
    Go backwards and do what you already have done, but see it as a success.
    Why did you let him back? in my opinion (especially with 20/20 hindsight here) the improvement in attitude wasn't atonement, it was him standing on his own two feet. It was his trying to figure out how he would feed and clothe himself. And then he got his safety net, and he no longer had to worry about such things. He was allowed to behave like a child with no responsibilities.

    You have the ability and strength to do the right things and make the right decisions. You proved it by kicking him out. You are not being mean. Even the mama bird literally pushes a young chick out of the nest if it refuses to fly. Your young chick is refusing to be responsible and respectful in your home. It's time to push. And if you are not ready to push out the door, then you can still push in the home. How much does he contribute to said groceries? Nothing? Then you buy him nothing special. He should be grateful that you are willing to share any food with him. Laundry? Yard work? Is he at least contributing in these capacities? No? Sweetie, don't you DARE wash his clothes for him. He's got two hands. You are not being mean, you are teaching him that he MUST do these things on his own.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I totally understand where you are at.... I have been in a similar situation with my son. It seems like what you want/need is for this to be a clear choice on his part rather than you having to really be the bad guy and kick him out without clear reasons except that it all is just getting to you. Sounds like his behavior is a little better but still not really better and still not really acceptable.

    So this is what i suggest. Take some time to think about what would behavior would be acceptable to you for him to continue to live there. Sounds like you know what that is since you said you need to repeat your expectations. I know my son, who sounds similar to yours, does best when things are written down and very clear.

    I would then draw up a contract in a sense with those expectations written out with a clear note that the consequence is that he needs to move out if he doesn't meet those expectations.

    Now be careful that you are willing to follow through on any expectation in the contract... so it has to be really clear. So for example just saying "be respectful" is pretty nebulous and open to interpretation. However being home on time or at least letting you know where he is and when he will be back is more clear....

    The reality is unless your son is committed to really following the expectations he will not meet them and then he will have to move.

    My son does not like to follow rules and so kept breaking them over and over... and i am not talking strict, unreasonable rules here. Finally we realized we had to kick him out because the lesson he was learning by living here and obeying no rules was not one that would serve him well in society.

  6. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Thank you. I'm currently in therapy, but will be looking for another therapist (this one is very nice, but I think I need someone a little less cheerleader-y and a little more no-nonsense). The Al-Anon, though, that I can do. There are meetings near my house, and I can commit to going. I'll see if there are also meetings near work, which would make it easy to go more often.

    Thank you also for saying that I don't have to get this done all at once, but that I do have to get it done. I'm frustrated with myself for having such a hard time with this, and for letting him come back home, and it's good to be told that I can just start where I am and move forward.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is most definitely a process for us as well as for them. I know we let my son come back after he had done some good steps for himself, like finish some work so he could get his hs diploma. And it has definitely been a process for me to learn to let go, let him really fall to the bottom and to let him get to the place where HE wants help. I still want to save and protect him but I am learning those are natural instincts but do not need to always be acted upon.... and in fact it is often better that I just step back.

    I am another one where Alanon has been a huge huge help. Definitely go and if you don't connect with the first group try another meeting. If you can find a parents meeting that is ideal. We have found a wonderful group here and it is wonderful meeting other parents who understand exactly what we are going through and who help support the idea of stepping back, rather than trying to come up with new solutions for us to do......because bottom line is at this age we can't do anything except support them when they are ready and want to help themselves.

  8. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Because he asked to be let back, and promised it would be different. (Yeah, I know....) It was, for about a week, and then the 'tude started creeping back.

    He contributes nothing, because I honestly don't have the energy to fight with him about it, and I have unfortunately been unskillful enough in setting things up so that he doesn't have to. Am working on pulling that back. I haven't done his laundry now for a couple of years, since he was in the group home. (Although, I did do it for him as an 18th birthday present - he wanted a $600 camera and a car. What he got instead was $50 and his laundry done, lol.)
  9. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Yes, this is pretty much exactly where I am with things right now. I don't want to be the bad guy, and I keep hoping he will magically wake up one day, say "oh, mother, I have seen the error of my ways!" Haha, yeah, right. I like the idea of a written contract. I will spend some time thinking about that and working something out. Thank you.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have made the mistake of letting my son back after getting him out and it was a huge mistake. HUGE! The only way I will ever let him back again is if he is so physically disabled he cannot fend for himself. I have to add that contingency into my plan because it is a possibility in our case.

    When my son is my home he is a lazy teen, when he lives out on his own, he is a grown adult who acts so mature. I will take him living out on his own because it is in his best interest.
  11. keista

    keista New Member


    BRILLIANT! See you do have the strength and the knowledge of what to do! Stop second guessing yourself. And yes it's a process.

    Sorry if it sounded as if I was coming down on you, but those parts I highlighted spoke volumes to me personally. I was a easy child/difficult child. I had moved out of Dad's house, but after a few years, I had to move back home. I tried my best to move forward, but it was extremely difficult. It was a blow to my own ego, and I just spiraled down, had feelings of entitlement, and had an overall difficult time of trying to make my life work. At one point, I had already bailed on school....again, and could not for the life of me find a job. I did manage to meet my now husband during this period. I finally moved in with him and within a week I had TWO job offers. Hmmmmm go figure.

    My point is that parts of what you have already done have worked, so focus on those. Learn from the things that haven't worked and change them next time.
  12. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    @Keista - I didn't feel like you were coming down hard on me. The things you mentioned are those little things that I do that are habitual and that are easy places to start pulling back. I totally get that, and it made sense to me. I just had to comment on the laundry thing because that was an area where I can say "yep! nailed that one!". You make a good point about focusing on expanding on the things that work, and I will give that some thought.
  13. allydem

    allydem New Member

    Your situation sounds so familiar that I wonder if we're living parrallel lives. My ADHD son is 20 now, and I had to come to the decision to throw him out of the house after I discovered drug para in his closet. Thankfully, at the time, I discovered this board, and thankfully people in this forum are caring, nurturing, sympathetic and wise. I wouldn't be where I am now had it not been for words of wisdom of the people who respond.
    The day I threw my son out was the darkest day of my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would someday be in this position. I still struggle with the thought of him living in the city ( he lives downtown now in his frat house), but I must admit, I am starting to sleep at night, and my eating habits aren't all over the map. For almost 20yrs, I sacrificed my life for my kids, and in the end, all I got was kicked in the teeth by my son. Although my son lives on his own, he's still being enabled by my ex, as "dad" who was absent for 9yrs now needs to prove that he's out to save the day. Nevertheless, whatever happens from this point on, it's on dad's shoulders. The day my son walked out the door, the last thing I said to him was that he was welcome to come back to visit anytime he wanted. All he had to do was call ahead. And then I took the house key away from him. That was tough, but it was the only way he could come to the realization that I meant business. His bedroom furniture has been moved into the basement, and I set up his room as a guest room, with new furniture. The first time he came back to visit,he was in shock. He's even comment to his sister that "mom doesn't need him anymore" to which she responded, "she never did." And that's just it. I don't "need" his wild nights, coming home drunk, worrying about whether he's taking his ADHD medications, and scrambling for money to feed his drug habit lifestyle. I need peace, serenity and that's exactly what I'm working on. It is, and always will be a work in progress for me, as I struggle with detaching myself from this adult child. And it will come to you too. Stick around here, read other posts, and some day, you'll feel better. I know I did, and am eternally grateful.

    Prayers and hugs out to you.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    IT's a concern that you said he would be out by Oct. 1st and didn't stick to this, especially since it seems he is still doing things that are inappropriate. Is it your intention to have him move out now? Have you made up your mind?

    You said that therapy helps (somewhat). I'm glad you are going and considering Al Anon. No doubt Al Anon will be very helpful. It would be great if he would go to therapy as well.

    Do you have someone who supports you emotionally in all of this? It might be very easy for him to take advantage of your good heart and very easy for you to be taken advantage of if there is no one around who is helping you. Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in to help you? Do you have any friends that he respects that could talk to him now and again?

    I would consider offering your son reasonable help in finding a job or job skills training. And therapy, especially for substance abuse.

    However, if he refuses these things and/or if he is abusive to you, you really need to SERIOUSLY consider having him move out of your home and set up a date. Make sure you have the support/back up of good friends in this.

    He is a little on the young side and if you feel strongly about it, you might want to give him until a certain point in time...let's say 18 1/2 years of age to do the right thing. Or, you can just say Nov. 1st. Just pick something. Anything, that makes SOME sense.

    However, whatever you decide to do, you should do it quickly and FIRMLY. Being firm and consistent is probably the most important thing of all. Make the criteria to staying home clear and make the move out date clear too. I too like the idea of a WRITTEN CONTRACT.

    If down the road he has to move in with friends because he simply can nor or will not abide by appropriate rules and/or standards of living, you can always let him know that you love him and (because he is still on the young side) will do your best to help pay for any treatment (therapy) or legitimate medical expenses (for a period of time).

    However, you respect yourself too much to allow someone who breaks the law, is disrespectful to you and refuses to follow house rules to remain in your home.

    You should seriously consider, as hard as it is, setting a good/clear example, of self respect and logical consequences.

    Here is something (I believe from the livestrong website) that is helpful:
    How to Develop Detachment
    In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

    First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

    Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

    Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

    Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

    Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

    Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

    Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

    Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

    Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

    Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

    Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

    Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

    Remember, if you set up a contract and if you set up a new date, you MUST stick to it! Must, must and MUST!

    Lasted edited by : Oct 8, 2011
  15. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    oh i wish i had seen this before I made my post.. you all seem to have the same situation as me... It makes me feel like crying because there are so many young male adults out there that just won't 'grow some balls' and take on responsibilities of their own!

    How did we create these men? Or was it society? or maybe both? I don't know. but it scares me to think of what kind of world we are going to be living in when these men start having children of their own.

    Personally, i couldn't wait to move out of my parents house - I moved out at 17...

    my two older sons moved out at 19 (and are doing great by the way) but my youngest is now 21 and just won't get his own life...

    remember that Will Smith song, "parents just don't understand" well, yeah, I don't!!
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I threw my daughter out and she even had a place to go (her extremely straight arrow brother took her in under very strict conditions). She did have to go out-of-state, however. I cried for three weeks after she said, "I will hate you forever."

    Well, Brother would not put up with any of her nonsense and s he realized she was a step out the door if she even lit up a cigarette. She had to work but had no car so she walked to work at a Subway. Then she got promoted to manager. Then she met her boyfriend who did not do drugs. And she was very far away from her druggie friends. Although she was lonely, and had to work hard at her brother's house (he also had a few roommates), she stopped using drugs completely and even quit smoking. She had chores she had to do and she did the cooking. This became the highlight of her day...she had always enjoyed cooking, but had never really had to feed anybody who was not related to her, like her brother's roommates who would come home from work tired and hungry. She had a REAL knack for cooking and experimented and reaped high praise and decided to make it her career.

    It's been nine years now. She has gone to college and is a chef at the school she went to. It pays quite well and she loves her job and works very, very hard. They are thinking of sending her to more college so she can become a pastry chef teacher, because she is such a gifted pastry chef (won many contests). She owns her own home. She lives a quiet but productive life and is a joy to her entire family. She thinks that throwing her out was the best thing that ever happened to her...she told me she doubted she would have seen how useless her life was if we had allowed her to stay at home while mistreating us and herself.

    in my opinion it is worse to allow them to stay than to make them leave. They have no incentive to change if they believe Daddy or Mommy will always make it better. Trust me, Daughter had MANY second chances and many tearful "I promise it will never happen agains." Finally...I had to think of the younger kids and my husband.

    I am happy I did what I did (and so is Daughter) even though both of us were devastated at the time!
  17. oldmama

    oldmama New Member

    wow! such an inspiring story! I'm so happy you had someone to help you get her to see the light!!
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, since then this son has left the I think it was his coldness that scared her. She knew if s he messed with him, he would not have an ounce of sympathy and would throw her out. She knew that WE were not the same as him that way...for us it was really hard to make her leave. She was the one who called her brother because she was sort of close to him before he left us behind. If he had said "no" we still would have made her leave.

    As far as helping us out, he did because of the way he is. BUT Daughter had to decide herself to quit or it would not have worked. Actually, she liked moving away from all her druggie friends. They were her main problem every time she tried to quit. They would harass her to death until she gave in and got them drugs or did drugs with them if only to shut them up. They were not nice and could be violent. She had tried quitting in the past only to give in when the peer pressure got too hard.

    If a child is ready to quit using drugs, I think it's an excellent idea to help him/her move far away, if possible, so the kid can start fresh. If he/she is serious about quitting he will not seek out drug using friends in his new environment. Make no mistake about daughter was READY to quit when she did. Until they are, and it has to come from THEM, they will not quit.

    Funny thing is, we thought Daughter was just using pot. Now that she is c lean, we found out she was using meth too and other drugs. She told u s that she'd do it at night when we were asleep. It's not easy to quit using meth, but she did. To this day, she has terrible complexion problems, which could have been caused by her old meth use.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is heartbreaking to kick a kid out of the house and then watch as their lives completely fall apart....and yet sometimes that falling apart is what needs to happen for them to reach a point where they want and seek help. That is the story with my almost 20 year old we do not know the end of our story but currently my son is in rehab out of state after a series of events that started with him calling me telling me he was going to check himself into a hospital! This time his admission is totally voluntary and at his own initial initiation.

    You are not helping a kid if you keep letting them mistreat you and get away wirh is not how the world works and it is better if they learn it sooner than later.

  20. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Yesterday, I was putting away someting in DS's dresser, and discovered that he had brought his bong back. One of the things I demanded as a condition for letting him stay was that it be removed from my home. I threw it away (far away from home so that he couldn't just dig it out of the trash). In retaliation, he threw away something of my mother's, which I didn't discover until this morning.

    I asked him to leave immediately and got the keys back. It took him about an hour and a half, but he's gone now. I've let the building manager know that he's gone, and asked her to get my locks changed. I really want to leave the house right now, but I'm a little bit concerned that he might try to get back in. (I have to go to work tomorrow, so hopefully he won't try anything.) Is it bad that I'm hoping that the building manager calls the cops if he comes back?

    The saddest part for me is that his ranting at me while he was packing up sounded just like stuff his father told me when I left. The upshot was that the only reason his behaviors were a problem for me were that I was choosing to make them a problem, and that I was a coward who "threw people away" at the first sign of trouble or conflict. Paradoxically, all that did (both with DS and with the ex) is reinforce that I made the right decision. Nobody but an abuser belittles you for refusing to take abuse.

    I left a message with a friend to call me, because the shock is wearing off and the sadness and freaking out is setting in.