How do you deal with your easy child?

[missmommy]

Sorry for all the new threads. I've been alone and lost for so long I have a lot of questions.

I have 2 children. Difficult child is 13 with ADHD and anxiety. Very high maintenance. Steals and lies. From me and his sister. Has really hurt her and she dislikes him most of the time. She is 16 and really just a laid back good kid. She has her moments but she generally stays out of trouble and is very trustworthy. She's had the same job for over a year and earns mostly As in school. She's currently homeschooled due to being violently assaulted at her public school and experiencing some ptsd and anxiety over that.

How do I help her while helping him? She believes there isn't anything wrong with her brother. She believes he is fooling everyone and really just isn't being disciplined. No matter what discipline takes place she is unsatisfied and feels he is the "favorite" and that he gets all my attention and she at times I feel hates him for it.

She says sometimes she wants to move out or that we should send him away. She feels distrustful and victimized by him. I do too! He does get up to no good often. He takes her food, her cash, her computer if she doesn't hide it. Recently he found her debit card and used it for video game purchases.

How can I help these two have a relationship and help my daughter feel she is loved even when he requires so much energy?

 

[BusynMember]

You can't force siblings to like each other. Often relationships get better when the kids grow up. Your 16 year old is young and is hearing probably from Dad that Son is bad. He also steals from her. My autistic son stole little amounts of money too so to avoid it we locked up every penny. He does not steal now. His jobs are both cash register work.

Maybe for now your daughter could benefit from therapy. She is probably hearng too much from a clueless Dad and kids often pull the "it's not fair" bit with Mom. There is no reason on earth to send your son away
Could this be from Dad? Its very awful...your son is not a monster.

Therapists are neutral third parties. If nothing else, she can vent to a therapist
And the therapist will probably explain to her that her brother isn't bad but is different.

The future holds no guarantees for sibling love. There are very close siblings and siblings that don't speak.
I find it helpful for my mental health to do my best but to worry about now, not the future.

I have a very cool daughter too, she is twenty, and close to becoming a police officer. She has never been in trouble I her life, but she understands her brother. She has worked with special needs kids while going to college. Maybe having her volunteer with special needs kids would help.

 

[ksm]

I think your son needs to make amends for what he has taken from his sister. If he can't repay with his allowance, then maybe he could do her chores? Ksm

 

[missmommy]

Oh for sure. I always require that he make amends and replace her things. Both kids receive allowance for their Grades and I make him use his own allowance to repay her or even go buy the item and give to her.

 

[Wiped Out]

We made sure our daughter saw a therapist because she believed much like your daughter does. It didn't seem to help at the time but now that they are older they get along much better. She gets "him" now for the most part.

 

[kim75062]

The "it's not fair" problem, I have 2 older daughters that were not as bad with my youngest ( because of the age gap ) but some cousins that can be.

It may sound ridiculous but simply tell your daughter fair doesn't mean equal. Sometimes it's as simple as hearing the words that will help her keep that in her mind when she wants to assault her brother for taking her stuff .

You can go as far as setting up really simple silly and to the point examples. If anyone wears glasses make them take them off because "its not fair" if one has them and someone else doesn't.

My favorite is the putting something up high ( candy or prize) to where only the tallest child can reach. It's equal but deffinatly not fair lol in the silliness of it all the point should get across and I bet she never forgets the lesson

 

[Verydistressedmomofodd]

This may be to bold of me to say and too sensitive of a topic for me to reply to in the first place. But there is nothing at all you can do or say to fix it. That's sad I know and depressing but it's the truth. At their age by now they have formed their own opinions of each other and the situations they are in. Only time will heal this relationship in order for it to move forward one day. I grew up in same situation and felt the same all my life. Up until I had my two boys I had no idea what it was like for my brother and mom from their perspective. I thought my pain from my view point was bad oh no. Now in my almost 30s and boys of my own one of which is Satan some days lol. She will one day move forward but not anytime soon. Just be there by her side and let her know you understand how it affects her and that it is not fair and that you would not purposely choose one child over the other. That they are equally loved and different and wonderful in their own ways. Your incredibly sweet to even be aware and care that she feels that way. Better than my mom did. Congrats mommy god bless

 

[Praecepta]

Feeling secure is a basic need. With that said, do whatever you can to help her protect herself.

- Maybe install a locking cabinet or drawer where she can store her things, debit card, etc. and only you and her would have the key or combination.

-Install a key lock on her bedroom door and she could choose to keep it locked.

-Instruct her to call the police on her bother if he ever touches her or steals anything from her.

-There are also handheld alarms which make a loud noise or you could have a security system installed and she could wear a wireless "panic button". Pressing the button would sound a siren outside and summon the police.

-Arrange for an alternate safe place she can go to if no parents are home and her brother is bothering her. Maybe a friend's house, neighbors, library, police station. Whatever is nearby or which she could get to.

-If you are spending a lot of time with her brother, keep track and spend an equal amount of time with her.

 

[StressedM0mma]

5 years ago we were in a similar situation. Younger daughter was in a bad place and very disruptive at home. Especially towards me and older daughter. Older daughter came to me and said she could not longer deal with it, and did not want to live at home. It broke my heart into a million pieces, but I let her move out and into a family friend's home. She was there for a little more than 3 weeks. She needed a break from the chaos. When she was packing up younger daughter was heartbroken and said she was sorry. Older daughter explained that sorry doesn't fix everything, and this was one of those things. That she (Older daughter) could no longer be around younger daughter when she behaved like that. Told her that she loved her because she was her sister, but did not like her as a person then. This was a HUGE wake up call for Young daughter. Until then her pat apology always worked.

So, if you have a safe place for you daughter to stay, I would say let her move out for awhile. She deserves the peace of a stress free environment. And she definitely needs a therapist to be able to talk out everything that is happening.