Thank you ALL so much for your perspective on this subject matter.
I am so glad that Joey is not able to ask me questions right now...because I am quite frankly, very angry and disappointed in my difficult child. I don't know how in the world, after quiet times along the way when I spoke of the absense of my own dad, the abandonment that I felt, the anger, the worthlessness, I don't know HOW I ended up raising a "manchild" that seems to take so little interest in fatherhood. I just don't get it and it really hurts me...for Joey's sake.
My daughter in law is a real dear, such a sweety and the delight she gets out of Joey, the joy he brings to her, is apparent everytime I see them together. She has such a strong bond with her child...which is one reason why after she recently expressed to me how sorry she felt for Joey, and by the way, she SAID this in Front Of Him...which really bothered me too, cause even though he is just turning 1 yr old tomorrow, We never really know just How Much these lil babies are trying to understand and soak up from conversations they are exposed to...even though Joey can't talk yet, other than Mama (and M says he also calls one of her friends husband "dada") anyway, even though he can't talk yet, you wonder just how much he is trying to understand whats going on. I think babies are MUCh more capable than we sometimes give them credit for being.
I know for myself...at that school age around 7 to 9 yrs old, I begin to question why I didn't have a dad...like the other kids. My mother was not very good at being emotionally supportive to me, at least not until I was around 13 or 14.
One time...I was having a tantrum and she told me, "You are scarying me, you are acting Just Like YOUR DAD". Well, obviously this was the Absolute wrong input. I began to identify my worst attributes to him. Even today...I have suspected that my Bipolar issues, etc came "from his side".
I can see by reading what you've shared with me, that it will be Very Important for me to try and remain neutral where young difficult child is concerned and put aside my angry feelings toward him for Joey's sake. It is also very important to me that Joey not see himself as unworthy of being loved well or as lacking something that others have going for them...I don't want him to identify negatively with his bio dad or feel sorry for himself, feeling less than, etc. These were problem areas for me growing up.
It is true that Joey has Many MANY people on both sides of the family that will love him, spend time with him, and give him a sense of familial belonging. I know though...None of us will be able to "make up" for what his bio dad, difficult child, is not/cannot give him.
My hope, my prayer...is that Joey will believe and know that he is fully capable of becoming a great man someday regardless of his bio dad...that he will know that he is NOT lacking, not unworthy, that he is strong and able.
Thank you too for sharing with me just how very important grandma's were in your own lives. I hope I will be an emotionally safe, stable, consistent person in Joey's life. I hope I will allow him to speak his mind without me trying to steer him, control the conversation, etc. I hope I will be a person that he can say Anything to me and it will be okay. And if Joey ever does need someone to help him make sense out of it all...and if he turns to me, I hope I will give him simple, loving suggestions/answers.
I find it interesting that some of you say that the bio dad does love but just doesn't know how to show it. I came to the conclusion that my biodad does NOT know how to love nor show it. Mostly because so much of my childhood and young adult years I had spent thinking that I was unloveable. I finally came to the conclusion that he is just not capable of loving well, or loving me well.
I am alittle conflicted about what "answer" is most honest/truthful.
Is is that they do love, but don't know how to show it? Or...
That they Don't know how to love well...to anyone?
Maybe it is best to say they do love...I don't know.
For me, love is an action word...it is what you do, how you show your kindness, your care.
It is also very obvious to me that those of you raising your children without their bio dad's being involved much in their lives...that you LOVE your children very deeply and have also given great consideration to this fragile area of your child's emotions.
For me, it was my deepest sorrow and conflict growing up...that is why it is so important to me that I do say, behave in the most emotionally supportive way for Joey in this situation.
Thank you for the reminder too...that just Being there, letting him know his grandma loves him and cares...that they may be enough.
I know this is a sensitive subject and can bring deep pain discussing.
Thank you all again for sharing this part of your lives with me to help me get a healthier, better perspective.
Your children are blessed to have you as their mommies.
Hugs and love,
Tammy