When difficult child 1 broke up with his first girlfriend after two and a half years, he was devastated and began cutting. He spent all his time with the really weird kids at school because that way there was nobody around to remind him of girlfriend. We talked as much as he could handle it but it was over a year before he began to climb out of a suicidal depression. The pediatrician was very worried about him and upped his Zoloft. He is only now coming off it, years later.
When he broke up with GF2 they hadn't been an item for very long. They met on the film set so it was already a rather unreal romance. She was a psychology student at uni and was attracted to him for his brains, I think, as well as "exhibit A". She had a lot of problems herself and he only spiralled down for a few months with her. I think what brought him out of that depression was meeting GF3, who he was very good friends with for a few months before they got more serious.
I sincerely hope THEY don't break up.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 - BF1 barely counts, I think the guy wanted arm candy for the prom, nothing more (maybe "f*** buddy", but they never got close enough for her to find out). He texted her in class to ask if she wanted to be his girlfriend, she said OK, but they never actually got to go out together anywhere. On graduation day he didn't come and introduce himself and she tried to find him but he'd gone off with his mates. They were supposed to meet up later on at the beach but he never showed - he DID text her an apology, after she texted him with a "where R U?", to say he and his mates were drunk and stoned and playing video games so he wouldn't be turning up after all.
She tried to telephone him to talk but he was never available; finally she broke up with him via text message since there really seemed to be no alternative. She was not upset in the slightest. neither was I.
BF1 for real - a long streak of misery she met at an animé convention. They were an item for two years, we were the only family he'd ever really known but due to his appalling upbringing (what can you expect when a kid has to bring himself up?) there were insurmountable problems in the relationship. Unfortunately, it was his first major relationship and his mates objected. They were doing their best to break them up and eventually succeeded. He blogged all about her on their favourite, very public website the night he broke it off, and then regretted it a few days later and rang her to ask her to have him back. By then she'd read the blog and told him that since he clearly felt that way, he had made the right decision to break up with her. She was upset, but there was already BF2 in the wings - a good friend prepared to be just a good friend, but definitely hoping for more. Which he has got. He has since moved in with us. We prefer him to her first boyfriend (just) and so does she. Like a lot of first relationships, it taught her a lot, including how to NOT ever be a doormat again, and how to stand up for herself sexually. I'm not happy that she was sexually active but she now understands why it was not a good idea. He was very manipulative and would expect her to be totally accommodating sexually without making any concessions in return. What really hurt about the blog of his, and taught her to be prepared to say no, was after all she gave in to, he still blogged about their sex life in a very negative way. She was about to blog back but we stopped her. She is now very glad we did. In the process she told me a few things which reinforced for me that she should never get back with him again. Unfortunately for him, the eventual break-up hurt him far more in the long run as he realised just how badly he'd loused things up and just what he'd lost.
easy child broke up with her boyfriend (BF1 in my sig) twice. Each time it was ghastly. Each time they got back together after a few months, with him sending her maudlin poetry he'd written and her sobbing down the phone to him, or worse - me talking to him on the phone while she sobbed in the background. Apart from those two short break-ups, they've been together for over ten years.
I will say - the first serious girlfriend/boyfriend break-up is always the most tragic.
And also, the first break-up after becoming sexually active - same story.
The best thing you can do is raise your child to have sufficient self-respect to not be used by a partner, either sexually or emotionally. Teach them to respect other people and themselves and you've given them the best start you can. if you can postpone them becoming sexually active it is better, because it gives the relationship a chance to develop emotionally, instead of the kids just short-circuiting the whole process by jumping into bed together. When kids go straight to sex, they often bypass a lot of valuable relationship-building, and end up with a shallower relationship. The pattern then continues with each successive relationship. Some call it free love - I call it stupidity. The problem isn't really extramarital sex, it's sex too soon in the relationship. Way too soon. People say that being too free and easy with sex cheapens it, but it's actually the relationship it cheapens, with kids. You need to know how to manage a relationship first, before you move to the next level. Move too fast and you never learn. Or you learn much slower, over the next few years, if you realise your mistake.
Marg
