How to suppress the anger??

[wakeupcall]

I just don't know how to do it sometimes. difficult child is almost twelve. TWELVE!!! This morning while waiting for the bus for extended school year, he sat on the sofa with a toy swimming pool torpedo and beat big marks into our expensive coffee table!!!!!!!!! What is the matter with him? Does he not get any of this after working for almost TWELVE years? I would have expected that from a 2 or 3 year old, but OMG!! I didn't know I had to watch him every single second of every single day. I'm sooooooo angry at him. He's very lucky to have been off to ESY this morning. Please, everyone, how do I continue with this year after year? Can he not learn the simplest of things? ***Sigh***

 

[witzend]

I wish I knew what to say. M was pulling stuff like this at 14 - 15. Coffee tables, ceiling fans, 30 foot cedar trees, patio furniture. Nothing was safe from his permanently marking it in some way. I think it may be boredom. But how do you get these kids involved in something constructive? M wouldn't cooperate or see the joy in anything.

 

[Pam R]

MY DS still does this and he's 16. :grrr:

As far as the anger, it's truly unhealthy to suppress it. I've been reading Dr. Bernie Siegel's books lately and it seems there's a correlation between suppressed feelings and cancer.

His take is it should be expressed, talked out quickly and let go. Someone observing his family mentioned they did not seem to be able to have anger. They got mad, talked it out and were done with it in 20 mins. In the observer's family, anger was often around 2 weeks later. The idea is to let it out and move on, don't harbor it.

At this point, I am resigned to the damage DS does. I have lots of family antiques that even survived myself and 5 siblings in good shape, but NONE have survived DS and he's an only. (

I tell myself, 2 more years, 2 more years...

Pam R.

 

[timer lady]

Pamela,

Suppressing the anger does nothing but hurt you. If difficult child struggles to respect property in certain rooms, maybe he shouldn't be allowed to sit in that room.

I have to say that husband & I, long ago, put away anything of value (sentimental or otherwise) to us. We recognized if we wanted that item we needed to guard it safely - slowly, I'm putting various items back out.

I've also spent time recognizing that the tweedles will take a lot of time to grow; as the adult my response needs to change. I get angry for disrespect toward my personal property (from the mess left in my car to the sense of entitlement kt feels when using my sewing supplies or plopping down to use my computer).

At therapist's yesterday I let kt know that I was going to allow myself to be angry at her choices. She's of an age where she needs to know that I'm not happy with her. therapist agreed that it's time to allow kt to see that parents are indeed human & have feelings. It's okay to display my anger (appropriately), express my frustrations & take time to myself to re-center myself. therapist told kt that she needs to let me do that just as husband, myself, school, day treatment & everyone else involved allows her.

I'm sorry Pamela - seem to be rambling here.

 

[wakeupcall]

Linda, you're not rambling. MOST of us "ramble", but it's getting our feelings out, I guess. difficult child is going to Extended School Year for social development this summer. The bus picks him up at 8:00 AM and returns at Noon. This morning he trashed the bathroom after his shower and his room is a disgrace. After he dressed he was watching television. I politely told him, "IF you can't do nice things for me (helping clean up HIS messes), then I won't have time to do nice things for you (going to the pool most every day)!" Obviously, it didn't make a dent. SO, I intend on cleaning up MY house and he can SIT all afternoon or two or three. Linda, he's almost twelve and I wonder when or if he's ever going to grow up just a little.

husband almost came unglued when he saw the table. We bought most of our furniture before difficult child was born, but it's very nice furniture and what does one do, not sit on the furniture or not ever recarpet the house, or live in filth...because of a difficult child? It's so exhausting.....I'm afraid "nature" is going to win out over "nuture", but no one could appreciate that more than you.

 

[Hound dog]

Pam

Travis was really bad that way when he was younger. So much so that there were days when I didn't think he'd make it to adulthood because I figured I'd finally loose it one day and just skin the boy alive. But he did make it with his skin intact.

As he grew older, it did get better. Now all we have to contend with are a few "pick" holes in his bedroom walls. husband makes Travis do the repair work under husband's supervision.

I'm curious, with the developmental coordination disorder I am wondering if you've had him evaled for other developmental disorders, too?

With Travis I had to always try to be a step ahead, and a heck of alot more stubborn. And I could never, never give an inch. If I said there would be a certain punishment for something, I'd better follow through, or it would zip right over his head. With my girls I could sometimes do the talk thing, but never with Travis. It's always had to be straight to the point.

By the time Travis was in 3rd grade I'd wised up and decided wasting money on expensive furniture was just that, a waste. I buy the cheap stuff, or garage sale stuff. I'll get the really nice furnishings when all my kids have finally left the nest.

But I do remember how hard it was to deal with it day in and day out.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Wiped Out]

I always say we have so much damage in this house from difficult child that we'll never be able to sell it. All the upstairs doors have holes in them. There are holes in some walls. Tables have been ruined, carpeting, furniture. Both our van and car have scratches on them, both shortly after we bought them. Some things have been intentful and others by accident from his impulsiveness.

It drives me crazy. I am not the type to hold most of my anger in. husband and I let him know we are angry and he receives consequences but then we get over it. To help me through it I have to remind myself that in the long run they are just things. I also believe that my workouts help me with my anger. It is a great way to destress and I almost always feel better after a workout.

 

[wakeupcall]

Thanks for the tips. Ya know, when he did it and saw the damage, why did he KEEP doing it? We're not talking about a little scratch; he did it over and over....ELEVEN times! I can understand the impulsiveness, but then STOP. Arg......

 

[STILLjustamom]

From what I've read stress and depression both play major roles in heart disease. My own mother had a heart attack in her 70's but was not obese and was pretty active, but her depression was untreated for years. That is why I do not hesitate to take antidepressants if needed and try to find joy in life, no matter what other things are going on. It is hard but you have to do it for yourself and really for the reast of your family too.

 

[STILLjustamom]

From what I've read stress and depression both play major roles in heart disease. My own mother had a heart attack in her 70's but was not obese and was pretty active, but her depression was untreated for years. That is why I do not hesitate to take antidepressants if needed and try to find joy in life, no matter what other things are going on. It is hard but you have to do it for yourself and really for the rest of your family too.