I am just LIVID!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Oct 17, 2009.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    So difficult child had a school trip today (Saturday) and I thought she was supposed to arrive back at the school for me to pick her up around 5pm.

    Well, 5 came and went with no phone call, no nothing...

    I thought maybe I had been mistaken about the timeline for the trip, so I decided to search through her school bag to see if there was some kind of note that had been sent home with the trip information on it. Well, I found the note all right--the note said the trip would end early afternoon...and that all students would be allowed to call their parents and notify them when the bus arrived back at the school.

    I ALSO found a piece of paper that had multiple copies of MY NAME written over and over and over like difficult child had been practising my signature.

    Obviously, I was so angry I was seeing RED!!!!

    Finally, FINALLY I get a call from difficult child at 5:30 that she is back from her trip. So I go to the school to pick her up and discover that there are no other parents picking up THEIR kids. There is no bus in the parking lot. There are no teachers or chaperones. Just difficult child getting out of some boys pickup truck.

    AND she has a convuluted story about how the bus came at 4, er 5 er well, it was on time but she forgot to call for a ride....etc etc etc

    AND when I confronted her about the fake signatures, she claimed that was just for fun because she was bored.

    Obviously, she is a liar.

    But how, HOW do I find out exactly what she has been lying about???

    Do I go to the school? Send letters to teachers??


    Am I allowed to use waterboarding?????

    What would you do?

  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Send the chaperon an email. And no waterboarding! Just don't allow anymore field trips since you can't trust her....
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Yep, no more field trips, no more after school activities, and a letter to the school stating that all "signatures" must be verified with an e-mail or phone call to/from you.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'd go to the school, talk to whoever chaperoned and also ask to view the permission note. Dump her right in it - she did the wrong thing, the school were not to know, you were not to know. But the school needs to know about this.

    THis is a matter for you - it was YOUR signature forged, she lied to you; plus it is a matter for the school, since parental permission was not gained but sneaked.

    A question - how comew you knew about the excursion, but hadn't yourself signed a permission slip? Did she tell you that you had signed it but had forgotten?

    A suggestion for the future - have a large wall planner. On it you write the details of homework, assignments, excursions etc. Tick the excurions for the times you have personally signed the permission notes. Keep your own file copies of the permission notes (maybe get the school to email details so you have email file notes). And do not allow her to attend any ecursion for which you can't satisfy yourself that YOU signed the permission forms.

    The reason there si a paper trail and the reason the schools keep copies, is just for such eventualities.

    As for those boys - try to find out who they are. Let them know of the legal ramifications involved in taking out a girl without parental permission. Be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt - she may have lied to them, too (although I doubt it - she could have bragged to them. Although, "nah, my mom is cool about this," makes her seem very mature and adult in their eyes. Or at least, that coud be how she was thinking).

    Don't automatically assume they got up to anything they shouldn't have. However, you COULD ask her if going to all that trouble lying to you, lying to the school etc was worth the end result. I hope her time with those boys was really exciting and enjoyable, to justify such a high level of deceit.

    I would also tell the boys - if they want to see your daughter, they now will have to do it under your supervision because there is no way this kid will get out on a leash any time soon. But of course they are welcome to drop in and pay a correct, formal, "yes, we have now been formally introduced" visit. Cucumber sandwiches, cups of tea iin bone china, everybody sitting ramrod straight upright and talking politely about the weather and people's health.

    Any boy worth his salt will respect this. Any boy out for what he can get in terms of fast thrills will walk away. And they are the ones you WANT to walk away.

    Be careful about anybody (the school, the boys, your daughter) seeing you as the ogre here - that will only add to the cachet of the bad thing she did and make it seem justified. But if you come across as a concerned parent who was deceived even though you're not an ogre, then she looks all bad (your aim).

    So let them visit. Formally. With calling card (name, phone number, address). Then allow her to call on tem (with you chaperoning) so you can meet their parents.
    Chances are, such a proposal will have any casually-minded boy heading for the hills. But it will boost your daughter in the eyes of the right boys and their parents.

    If she's interested in boys you can't put that genie back in the bottle. But you can point te genie in a better direction...

    Not fun.

    I remember a girl I knew who used to do this - she would lie to the boys about her age, tell us all thtaof course she was way more mature than other 13 year olds, then hang around on the corner to meet with various boys. I went to a different shcool and so my bus would get in later than hers, so I would see her waiting there, or already talking to the boys. I would be polite and social and a few times I put my foot in it and reminded her, "But of course, you and I are only 13," after which she hissed at me to shut up, then would avoid having anything to do with me if she saw me heading in her direction. I was so naive I didn't realise what she was up to back then!

    A boy who thinks a girl is older will have certain expectations, and when he finds out he's been lied to, he generally won't be happy with the girl. Boys who want sex may be careless, but others are trying to be very careful to not do anything illegal.

    Honesty is always the best policy. She's blown it thoroughly.

    Both barrels. Tell the world. It's hard to be deceptive when everyone knows about it.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Marg has some good ideas.

    One of my kids attempted to forge my signature......I'm thinking it was easy child (of all people!) Can't recall why now.....but it was something to do with school. Hauled her fanny right into the school and let everyone who needed to know what she'd done. She had natural conscequences at the school.....and I had a fitting punishment at home as well. Usually I let school stuff stay at school. But she'd involved me, so that changed matters.

    If it had been one of my kids getting out of a car of boys......her social life would be non-existant for a while, on top of whatever the school felt appropriate.

    I was one strict Momma. lol

  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    My sister pulled this stunt at about the same age. She found herself duct-taped (velcro wasn't on the market yet) to my mother at the hip.

    My mother was working at the time. R. got off of school and met my mother at the office where she waited until mom got off of work.

    She was not allowed to make phone calls unless my mother was in the room to listen and she had verified the identity of the caller by speaking with their parents.

    The only extra-curricular activities that were allowed were visits to the library(supervised), and if my parents went out, a sitter was hired (and not a 'cool' teenager, either, Lol)

    This was easier of course as back then we weren't dealing with computers and games and cellphones, but it could still be done.

    You want to make this hard enough on her that she really has to EARN back your trust.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I like your Mom's style. LOL :D
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Considering that a lot of 'disorders' weren't recognized back when I was growing up (high functioning autism, etc.), and that other than frank MR, everything else was pretty much written off to poor parenting...

    My mom had a pretty good handle on nipping difficult child behavior in the bud. She surely knew that I was experimenting with weed (I was rather startled that she knew what it smelled like...LoL).

    The only one she missed early on was that my younger sister was running with a very rough crowd and had picked up a cocaine habit. Sadly, she didn't really get it that I KNEW this crowd and the potential for danger.

    Two are serving life terms for murder and my sister herself witnessed one of those killings.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Marg has excellent ideas. I would certainly go to school with my worried Mom face. Even if you want to throttle her you must still look worried and scared.

    If you can get names/phone numbers out of difficult child that is a good thing. Just be sure to check her phone records if she has one, the home phone line for unusual numbers or repeated calls to and/or from a certain number or two. When you know who the boys are you want to talk to them AND THEIR PARENTS. Their parents need to know what it going on. After all, what parent of a 16 yo boy wants to suddenly find out he is involved with a 13yo girl?

    This stunt certainly should mean she gets to go to school and home. Period. At home she should have a list of chores to do to apologize to every family member. Of course she must earn your trust back, but she must also apologize to her dad and siblings. because getting into this kind of trouble puts strain on everyone and can end up making her sibs feel cheated out of some of your trust and her dad feel he hasn't supervised her well enough. She should do something specific for each person.

    I am sorry you have to deal with this.
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I also want to point out that the school needs to know that THEY left your 14 year old unattended. Sure, they were duped as you were but their adults were the responsible adults at the drop-off. I'm not saying this to take any blame away from difficult child, but rather that the school must understand that difficult child will put herself into potentially dangerous situations. What would have happened if she went missing or was harmed by the boy (who is apparently old enough to drive?).

    Let us know how you are doing today...
  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I expect that if you let the school know, there will be some reprecussions for difficult child at the school level too, which is good. They will be sure to look for this in the future. Does she have a computer? I'd look into the computer program to see if she typed up a letter to the school and then signed your name.

    If you really want to know what happened, I expect the threat of taking her to school and embarrasing her in front of all of her friends, and telling her that you are going to not only take her to school Monday morning and speak with the principle, but that you will interview all of her classmates to find out exactly what happened, might make her spill the beans. Then again, if she's in true difficult child fashion, she might just challenge you to do so. Your call, but I'd try that tactic first.
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions!!

    TM and JJJ--we agree! No more school trips until this mess is sorted out!

    Going North--We implemented your Mom's phone call policy. We told difficult child that all phone calls must now take place in public areas of the house.

    Daisy--You're right...school stuff is school stuff unless difficult child involves me. And she involved me--so NOW I AM INVOLVED!!!!

    Marg and TM--I hadn't thought of the legal repercussions for the school. Thank you for making that point! The trip sponsors could really get into a lot of trouble if they really lost track of a minor while on a trip.

    Loth--We tried your advice and told difficult child that we would write a letter to the principal and the school superintendent about what happened. We told her that the club would probably get into a lot of trouble for leaving her stranded with no way to get home.

    difficult child agreed that it would be a good idea to send the letter.

    Susie, Marg--You will be proud of me! Today (Monday morning), I put on my best "worried parent" face and visited the school. I personally delivered the letters to the principal etal AND I asked whether any notes might have been sent home recently.

    Turns out, there may have been a Warning Notice sent home to notify us that difficult child is failing Math.

    It ALSO appears that she has been cutting classes.

    Right now, I am waiting to hear back from individual teachers in regards to specifics.

    We'll see what sort of consequences there will be. If the school confirms skipped classes, difficult child will be suspended...

    Not sure about forging signatures.

    Will keep you posted.