I am losing hope

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, May 17, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I have been holding my ground with my daughter,but as you said it gets much worse! She reamed me out the other day because she claims her boyfriend beat her up and she was trying everything to make me feel like the worst mother alive!! I saw her the day after she said it happened and she had a tank top on with no visible signs of being "beat up". They had a room for her at the Massillon shelter for battered women, but she said she would never go to one of those nasty places and it was awful for me to even suggest it !!! Her and one of her friends lived in my mothers home rent free for over a year. They trashed the place, had every low life possible partying there.They never did one thing to get on their feet. I now live in my mothers home which I have had remodeled and she would come in here and sit on her butt, make excuses why she cant work. I would never get rid of her!!! And then of course she tried to throw her 3 year old into the mix saying for me to forget about her and and her son and now I only have my other 2 kids and my other daughters newborn son. She comes at me with "you would never let her and her son go to a shelter" No. 1 I would never have to worry about that because if anything ever happened my other daughter could and would do everything in her power to support her family. Both my son and other daughter have worked since they were 15 doing something!!! My oldest wants everyone to feel sorry for her and give her all she needs. This has been going on for over 20 years !!!!! I love my 3 year old grandson, but I have had it with her. She says ive never been there for her emotionally, but yet I have provided everything for my grandson, food, clothes, shoes, toys, medicine diapers......anything HE needed I made sure he had it. It just makes me soooo depressed. I have had a battle with depression all my life, but I work full time and take medicine and struggle to keep going!! But each of these bouts of anger beat me down more and more. I just want it to go away !!!!!
  2. allusedup

    allusedup Member

    I can certainly empathise with you as I have had similiar problems with my son. My first thought would be " Is she doing drugs or drinking? " If so, you'll never get through to her if she is. Until people experience the full consequences of there actions they will never change. With my son, I had to stop rescuing him for him to wake up and be responsible for himself. It was a painful process for us both but necessary and effective.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I am guessing your daughter is over eighteen. I hope she is not still living in your house.

    You need to let her grow up or not grow up, but she needs to change. The dance you two are dancing is obviously not working. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting difference results :). You need to look after yourself now. You're done being a mommy. You are a mother and friend, if your children are willing to treat your respectfully and love you. If this child is blaming you for her own horrible choices, plus probably lying for sympathy, there is nothing good about her activities to keep her close to her family. She seems to feel entitled and not at all remorseful about her own bad behavior...and she won't take any blame or get help. You have done your job, and done it well. You have two other adult children to prove it. Something is probably wired differently with this particular child, but you can'f fix her. Only she can decide to fix herself and she doesn't sound like sh e even thinks she has a problem.

    What your daughter did to your mother's kind heart shows you that she has no respect for anybody and is dangerous. Your mother, sadly, let her stay with her for too long. Sometimes we think we have to put up with ANYTHING if it is somebody with our DNA. That's so not true (trust me, first hand knowledge here).

    I also battle with depression. Always have. My .02, which you can take or leave, is to make sure this particular daughter is not allowed in your house, your castle, your sanctuary. She destroyed it. If she wants to see you and you feel you'd like to talk to her too, meet in a safe place, like a coffee shop. I would change the locks too. She may go ballistic once you set boundaries. It is very sad about your grandson. If you feel she is unfit, call CPS and she will have them visit her and be on their radar and perhaps she'll take better care of him if only because of that. It must be very hard with him involved, but the laws make it very hard for grandparents to help grandchildren. You have done enough and deserve to rest, breathe, enjoy your loved ones and friends who know you are a good person and treat your with respect and stay healthy. You need to do it not just for them, but for yourself too. You are important. You matter.

    Last of all, you may want to limit your contact with this daughter. If she tries to abuse you with words, texts, whatever...stop interacting with her the minute she does. Don't let it get out of control with her yelling and accusing you of nonsense that isn't true but a makes you feel bad. You can also go NO CONTACT for a while. You need a break. It could make you feel better not engaging with her. This is your decision.

    I suggest strongly that you cut off the money tree before you go broke supporting her.

    Only you can make it go away. Does she still live with you? I hope not...

    We are here to support you. I hope you think of your own safety and health and start living your own life and let your daughter live hers. You deserve that.
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    Last edited: May 17, 2015
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi, I am so sorry you are having such difficult time right now.

    Do not let your daughters words bring about guilt. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. Our Difficult Child are very good at trying to make us feel guilty. It's their way of getting us to do what they want.

    She should not be comparing herself to her working siblings but again, she is desperate to try and make you feel guilty.

    You have no control over what your daughter chooses to do. It always complicates things when a Difficult Child has small children. Your daughter sounds very unstable and if you feel your grandchild is not safe with her you may need to consider calling child protective services.

    I agree with what SWOT said.

    Setting boundaries is so very important in reclaiming your life. You are not obligated to do anything for your daughter even though she thinks you should. She is a grown woman and has a child of her own.

    Stay close to this site and keep posting. We are here to support you.

    Hang in there, you can get through this.

  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are being extremely emotionally abused by your daughter. You probably need to pull away from her for a while, then set some really serious boundaries with her before resuming a relationship with her.

    If this was your spouse/partner treating you this way, I don't think you would feel bad by distancing yourself from that person.

    Get away/stop taking her calls/eject from the situation. Take some time off. Get a clearer perspective from a distance.
  6. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Dear so tired,
    I wish I had something profound to say here but at this point all I can offer is understanding, caring thoughts for you and just to tell you that you are not alone. I'm in a similar place as for as my grandson about the same age. I think that's the hardest thing. What stands out most for me is your health right now. You have to be able to have the strength to work as I know. I'm hoping there is another granparent or relative who can at least make sure your grandson is okay for now. I had to block my phone from my son just to have time to heal a little. Even the text were too stressful. You have to do what ever it takes to get some peace back in your life. I know it's impossible to not worry about your precious grandchild, I have literally screamed at times because the thought of him hurting is overwhelming. You have to regain your strength or you will not be any good to yourself or anyone else. Stay on this site and read, post and believe that you have found a place to go where people do care. This is my new face book.. My prayers will be with you....
  7. Iwantpeace

    Iwantpeace Member

    Swot, I read so many of your postings here. You really put a lot of yourself into supporting people here. This site is lucky to have you.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Aw, thank you.

    Many people helped me too w hen I was struggling with my kids. I want to give it back.
  9. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you all for being there, I have found great comfort in reading your posts! I am alot stronger then I used to be, but right now as I type this I am crying and my heart is breaking. My daughter will be 40 in Feb.and I have been in and out of her life for over 20 years. When her youngest son was born we were once again not speaking and I swore I would never get close to this one!! But then once again she waltzes into my life and I am so attached to my little 3 year old grandson, now here she goes again and my relationship with him is ruined. He is so smart and sweet and I love him so much, but she will ruin him!! I cant raise him, but I wish he had a decent family where he could thrive and become a decent man. Right now I see no hope. My daughter loves him and does treat him good, but he has lived in 5 different places in his 3 years He is subjected to all their fighting and its just not fair!! He loves his mommy and daddy and it would kill him to take him away from them yet at this rate he will never have a good productive life!! It just makes me so sad!!!!
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's never easy when there are small children.
    I understand that you say she loves him and treats him good but if she is subjecting him to their fighting and moves frequently then she is not treating him good.
    I am so sorry that your heart is breaking over this.