I am so sad yet so darn angry

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rosie67, Jan 27, 2016.

  1. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    So my daughter turns up, crying, sad, wanting her old life back. Claims she wants to kill herself and that she cant cope any longer without the support of her family. We told her again that we would support her going to rehab, to get help,,,,but we wont support anything else. She then asked if she could borrow money $600, because he flat mate has moved out and she owes him.

    My husband deals with it....because I cant. Our 12 year old son dissolves into tears when she leaves....he said he misses her, is scared for her and he doesn't want to dislike her anymore.

    My heart breaks for him. I am left so angry with her...yet so sad. How do I stay strong for my family?
  2. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Interesting the siblings got along well usually Difficult Child and not Difficult Child do not get along well. How so?
  3. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    He has always adored her but he has been hurt too many times from her empty promises and by her behaviour. He says he doesn't want her around but then says he misses her. I don't think it is that strange....she is 24 and he is 12.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This was in my opinion the absolutely perfect answer. Keep repeating it when she accuses you of not supporting her. You can also add, maybe just once, "I can't support the choices you make that could kill you, but I w ill support any effort you make to get clean, like a rehab."
    How can you "support" her drug use? It could ultimately do the worst. You love her.
    I watched "Intervention" yesterday, one of my fav shows. The mother of the addict was SO ENABLING she was handing her daughter HER pain pills so that her daughter wouldn't cut or kill herself, as s he threatened to do. It's crazy what we sometimes do to "help." I read a book too about a mother who was afraid to see her son "dope sick" (this is needing a fix) so she drove him to see his dealer for drugs. Of course he promised it would be his last time, he hated his life, etc.

    They are cunning. We are in love with our children. We have to get a dose of reality. Talk is cheap. "I want to quit" won't work. Few quit without professional help. It makes them way too sick and they give up. If she wants to quit she will go to a rehab and stay there and follow the rules. Then you can support her with all your heart.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is the same for my son-he is 14, my two are 27 and 36. It is hard for them, watching their sibs go down the hole with drugs, they see every sordid bit of it, the lies and manipulation, broken promises.
    I think in most ways they see through the ruse sooner and more so than we do. They are affected.
    This is true. She has to want to quit. She says she misses her old life, her family, then what you are doing is working Rosie, that is how you stay strong, it is working. At least she said as much. My two, do not admit that. They are still in the blaming stage.
    This is good Rosie, a good sign, I think if she can say this to you, even if it is a ploy for money, at least she can say the words. Maybe it will sink in to her heart and head.
    You stay strong by switching your focus.Your daughter is an adult, you have done your parenting. She is going off the rails with drugs and this is her choice for now. It serves no purpose for you to self destruct along with her.
    Turn your focus to taking care of yourself, your boy and your husband. Become a close knit unit. Find things to keep busy, especially for your boy. He is at that tender age, soon to be a teen.
    My son is active in band and sports, this keeps us very busy. But, you have to be able to do things for YOU. It is so important to maintain a sense of self. Oftentimes we lose this in the years of caring for our children. When they start to make bad choices, we go into mother protect mode and try anything and everything to save them. This is when things with us can start to go haywire, because protect mode is a role, it is not real. It is not realistic to think that we can prevent our adult children from making bad choices. We have no control over them.
    What we do have control over, is ourselves. You are doing a good job here Rosie, it doesn't feel good, but it is right.

    Focusing on having control over ourselves and our own choices, points to us working hard to keep strong and determined. Keep posting, that helps, the more I post, the stronger I feel. I also understand that the choices I make concerning my two, are very important because my son, is learning from them. He is learning that no one has the right to tread all over anyone.
    He is learning that if he decides to make bad choices, it will not be condoned or supported by his parents.
    Looking at my son, has forced me to be stronger, to stand up.
    Because if I don't stand up to his older sibs and say "NO, I will not allow this in my home" I am not only subjecting him to the horrors of their drug use, I am teaching him that it is acceptable.
    When I feel like I am back sliding, I focus on my son. Then I know too, that I have more work to do to build myself up.
    Most importantly, I gave my two and my grands over to God. It is too much for me to handle. If I find myself thinking of them, I say a quick prayer. This has helped me to stop all of the what ifs and how, when, whys, that spin into pining and fretting and worrying about them. It is a useless exercise and waste of time, because in the long run, they will still do as they wish.

    You are strong Rosie, you are doing incredibly well. Keep building yourself up and filling your toolbox.

    Look at your son and give him lots and lots of big hugs. HE is the one who deserves and needs your parenting!

    Take good care and be very kind to yourself.

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  6. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    This alone should be a warning sign that she isn't ready to change. Our son said many times that he wanted things to go back to the way they were and we eventually realized that he meant back to the time when we gave him money and access to a vehicle without question. Back to when he could pawn our stuff without us noticing.

    Yes, part of wanting the old life back is nostalgia but the simple fact of the matter for ANYBODY is that if you aren't moving forward then something is wrong with your life.
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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Paste that to the back side of your glasses, the front of every phone and computer, and even beside the front door. Not literally, unless you want to. But... THIS is the correct response.

    We can only help them when they want to move in a positive, forward direction and are willing to take some of those steps themselves. Even then... we have to be careful not to take over, or we destroy the forward momentum.
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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Yes, I agree, this is the negative part of "wanting the old life back." Not what we as parents were thinking, at all.

    We do have to be careful, and mindful of the words our kids use.
    Darn those manipulative d cs.

    I guess my two wont say this to me because they know it wont work.
    Well, they aren't even talking to me so.........

    Thanks Jabber, for the clarification.
    It is a good reminder.

    Their interpretation of the good old life
    and ours
    is from entirely different perspectives.

    Really, they are smart enough to not say the real intention behind it
    in a whiny entitled voice

    "Why cant you just keep giving me money and the car for the rest of my life so I can go out and party?"


    We are thinking,
    "Ah, the good old days, when you looked at me with loving eyes and listened."

    This is a fantasy that is not going to happen, we cannot go back.......

    Yes indeed, forward momentum..........

    thank you for the reminder.....

  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    ((HUGS)) to you Rosie,

    I'm so sorry for your heartache and I don't blame you for being angry.

    Our d_cs are so good at "priming" the scene. The crying, the wanting her old life back, the threat of killing herself, the need for support from her family, then puts her hand out wanting it to be filled with money.
    I have no doubt that she is tired of living the way she is living. I truly do not believe that our d_cs enjoy the way they live. I think when they are high on drugs or drinking they enjoy the "moment" they are in but when they come down off the high they hate it.
    The problem is they have to hate it enough and put forth the effort to change.

    I feel bad for your son. It's so hard for a younger sibling to understand the depth of the problem.

    You ask how you stay strong for your family. You keep your boundaries firm. You love your daughter and support her with just that, love. We all know that throwing money at the problem doesn't resolve anything, it only drains our bank accounts. Make it clear to your son that we can love someone but not like their behavior.

  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Rosie, you are doing so, so well in an impossibly difficult situation.

    None of us can go back. Not your daughter, nor you or me. Life goes on and we have only the next choice which is in front of us. Only that. Your daughter has created her next choices. She can choose well or poorly. She has a debt. She can work to pay it. Or not. She has a drug problem which she can choose to treat or not.

    Really, this has nothing to do with you, now. That your daughter turned up and sought to manipulate you with talk of suicide, of killing herself, was another poor choice. She had the option of discussing with you constructive and productive responses to her situation. She chose instead drama and to inflict hurt and worry, and to provoke guilt.

    I hope you consider calling 911 if she makes a threat like that to you. Every single time. That is the only way they will stop. Take her seriously. Hold her to her words. Get help from the police.

    To put your young son through this is hurtful to the max. If it was me I would keep her away from him and explain why.

    The whole theater seems like it was a ploy for the easy money. I would be furious too.

    Stay strong. You are doing this. It is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life, or one of them. By staying strong you will provide the opportunity for her to find her bearings if she chooses to.

    I am sorry you are suffering. I am sorry all of us, each of us suffers.

    Keep posting. Take care.

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  11. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Thank you to each of you for taking the time to respond. The words of encouragement are worth more than you can imagine.
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  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Rosie, I agree that your response was perfect. I am going to tattoo it on my inner arm.

    I think your son seems like a kind and smart brother and son. I think he can understand that her idea of "help" doesn't help anybody.

    I have to say, I love these exchanges with our Difficult Child's.

    "Can you let me move back home/buy my groceries/pay my bills/watch my kids while I party?"

    "No, we won't do anything other than help you get into rehab."

    "Oh, ok...then can I have $600?"
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  13. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    You stay strong by doing what you are doing: protecting your family, your home AND your daughter by not giving her what she wants but offering what she needs. Until she can switch those two things in her mind, you have to put your energy into the life and the family that are right there in front of you and rest easy knowing you are doing the right thing.

    I have heard the "I want to change, I want to be my old self, I want..." more times than I can count. The "want" is easy. It is the "I will work to change, I will work to meet my potential as a person, I will work..." mindset they must have. They give up and give in when the work gets too hard and revert to the old habits, not realizing that they go further down the rabbit hole and the work gets harder and harder to ever get out.

    I "want" mine to change, too, and if she ever decides to commit to "work" for it, I will "work" with her. Not until.
  14. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Everything written is just so true....thank you. This support and words of encouragement are so important. It is so hard sometimes that it feels like a physical ache in my chest. I just keep saying to myself, be strong, look after our son, be kind to ourselves.
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  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I really like how this worded.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Rosie Hi and welcome to the forum...You have gotten great thinking and support here from those who have posted.

    ...and that is really all you need to say. There is help here if she wants it. Help that will really help her, not prolong what is already going on.

    My brother is an active alcoholic, and my sister was talking with a friend the other day whose 33 year old son finally has gotten clean (after four rehabs and a whole lot of pain for everybody). The friend said this: Once someone told me, and I finally heard them, this: You are killing him with your enabling. You are literally killing him with all of the "helping" you are providing. The friend said that was the turnaround day for her, and she started working to stop enabling.

    My sister went to my parents and told them that story. Who knows if they heard her or were ready to hear her? It doesn't matter. We get it when we get it. THEY get it when they get it. We can't hurry it up or talk it into being any sooner than it will be. You are doing the 100 percent right thing in my view. And it is very hard to do and sustain.

    Of course he does. He says outright what we all feel about our DCs. We miss them, we are scared to death for them, and we so want things to be different. But they aren't, and they won't be, until our DCs turn and walk in a new direction...and even then it will be up and down, and back and forth.

    Your energy has to move toward your own life, and working on yourself. I know that is very strange, but it is true. Once you start working on YOU, then everything will start to change for you...and ultimately...maybe...for her. it sounds like you have already walked down the road of detachment for a while. That is so good. I hope you are reading and studying and working on your own recovery from enabling. It is both a hard study and the most worthwhile study of my own life. I am today thankful for the reasons I had to start my own recovery, and today I like myself a whole lot better in so many areas of my life---not just in my relationship with my qualifiers.

    It is a physical pain that seems to last forever. We hurt. It is the hardest pain to live with, because these are our kids. Our very own kids, and we love them desperately and it's so hard, almost impossible, to see them in this kind of trouble and pain. We understand here. We are glad you are with us, and we will walk with you and support you. Keep posting here, Rosie and keep us posted on you. Warm hugs this morning.
  17. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Thank you for taking the time and effort to reply to my messages. I am so very grateful to all of you.