I am Soooooo over all this

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, May 12, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child has court tomorrow. The defense attny had requested a mental health evaluation and said he was going to ask for difficult child to be released on time served and any mental health treatment their evaluator recommended. Mind you, this is a person with our mental health dept but assigned full time to work with courts and kids in detention. Anyway, PO said he thought maybe this three weeks would wake difficult child up and he's ok with giving difficult child one more chance after that. And PO told me he talked to the person going to do difficult child's evaluation and told her what "he'd like to see and what he thought". (Another case of the tail wagging the dog, in my humble opinion, which is typical here- the courts people tell the mental health people what they think the diagnosis is and what they want the treatment to be.) Really, this has nothing to do with difficult child- it has to do with policy and how stupid they all look for saying Department of Juvenile Justice would be the same as Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but obviously, it wasn't too effective and now they don't want to automatically reincarcerate difficult child in a Department of Juvenile Justice facility- it looks too much like this jurisdiction failed. The defense attny said if I didn't want difficult child coming home on these terms, he'd need to get a GAL on board and get dss involved again. See- that is how they intimidate a parent into going along with their brilliant ideas.

    As a side note- I finally figured out why they kept a GAL on board for so long before- I had thought I was showing the court people that I was not an overly-permissive parent and I had been trying to get a point across to difficult child so in the past, I would let people in the court system know that I might not hire an attny for difficult child and I might not welcome difficult child home if he didn't do certain things. Well, that's what did it- apparently in our jurisdiction the parent is supposed to show up in court and be the kid's best friend instead of a disciplinarian- oh, and you better let them know that you DO believe your kid should have an attny- even if the kid did something completely intolerable to you.

    Ok- back on track- the mental health evaluator called last night and I ended up completely snapping on her. Somewhere between asking me what I thought difficult child n eeded (duh- it was them they refused to support or allow a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and everything else I even mention gets a response of "it's not available"), telling me that she had just spent a few mins with difficult child and just based on that and a review of his lengthy court record, she believes he has conduct disorder (well, we all know he has conduct issues but a thorough review of his MH hx and other factors including previous evaluations might reveal more than a few mins with him and a review of his court record), so the only recommendation she could come up with would be MST- with the same guy (the only guy they have that does it) that started this before and then later told me that maybe difficult child was this way and drew the knife on me because I had issues. Idiot. Yes, Mr. Behavior contract. So, I snapped and she got a piece of my mind about this system and how all these people who claim they can help really do no more than lecture until we aggree to try something, then they write it down and threaten non-compliance if we don't do it. Of course, she chuckled and they threw me further over the top. I don't remember all I said but it included a statement about there being a major disconnect between me and them and I really didn't see how a behavior contract stating that I'll cook what difficult child chooses more often if he agrees to quit breaking the law helps us at 11:00 or 12:00 at night when I'm calling 911 trying to get police here so they can call crisis center and determine if difficult child is to get TDO'd or incarcerated this time. And just because it's all they have available doesn't mean it's useful and I thought it was ridicualous. She agreed that it sounded ridiculous and then mentoined out-patient therapy. I told her our history with it and that I'd been told it wouldn't work unless difficult child gets to a point someday that he wants help for his issues- that if the issues are going to be confronted otherwise, I had been told be two highly credible psychiatric hospital staff that it would have to be in a therapuetic Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She pushed that a little and I told her that anyone who pushes us to go down that road again after we spent 3-4 years pursuing it and we all know how it ended up - so whomever thinks we should do it again and expect a different result is the person who belongs in therapy in my book.

    Also, she said difficult child "identified too much with kids who got into trouble". Well, HELLO- the recommendations from the psychiatric hospital said Department of Juvenile Justice would do more harm for difficult child than good- you all put him there anyway and he's spent over a year in there with kids who get into trouble. Who do you think he's going to identify with? Did you think he was supposed to sit in there and think he's not like those other kids- or that the staff would even allow him to act that way?

    Then, she says their MST program is much better now and it would be different (never mind that it's the same persdon doing it) - so I just told her that I'm not buying into it- period. She got off the phone pretty quick after that. I hate it when tdocs think it's all about a person buying into something- I don't want any therapist who manipulates, I want one who levels with me. If I am trying to get difficult child to be open and honest, the last thing I want to hear from a therapist is that difficult child and I have to buy into something- it just has manipulation written all over it.

    Sooo- as far as difficult child- he was allowed to call alst night and I told him I might not show up to court because I don't think he he is ready to come home and try to do what he should. Tonight I went to visit and reiterated that if he is going to live in my house, it will be on my terms not his. He said after being in Department of Juvenile Justice for a year he didn't need me any more. (Yes, ladies, it's possible for there to be too much detachment when you're dealing with a minor.) He said he wanted to talk to his def attny before court tomorrow and discuss going to group home then because I didn't trust him or want him home and he'd ask the def attny to try to get him into a group home- as long as it was in this area so he could still hang out with these "friends". Ok-doke difficult child. (Well, I forsee a GAL and dss involvement again - and coming soon- and why?- because I expect my son to obey and be respectful if he lives at home.) Anyway, then difficult child proceeded to talk about how all he wanted was to do "wild and crazy things and he'd try them all as long as it hadn't killed the guy in front of him that just tried it." Then he talked about drugs and how much fun he'd had and how trying acid and some ither drug could be exciting.

    I got up and walked out on him at that point.
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I forgot two things- I would have edited my first post but it's clicking everywhere except where I need it to. First, I did tell the MH evaluator that if the only two choices available are difficult child going back to Department of Juvenile Justice now for a short period of time ( a few months) for parole violations or coming back out feeling like he only had a slap on the hand and plowing into more until he gets arrested again and then gets back to Department of Juvenile Justice with a longer period, I choose him going back now. But, I know they won't do that because no one over there does anything that is really inhis best interest. So, he will get released and come home for more of the same and I'll just prepare myself as best as I can to go another round. Even difficult child himself said tonight that "didn't the PO say before that I'd go back to Department of Juvenile Justice on the first parole violation"?) I could tell by the evaluation's reaction that I wasn't saying anything she wanted to hear. And, as I've also told PO- I asked her just how long do they expect me to sit and watch while they destroy my son. Really, his future is ruined, I'm wiped out, and they continue to try walking down the same road. Oh- difficult child also told me tonight that I obviously didn't love him because mothers that love their kids don't tell the PO when they do drugs and other things wrong. (huh huh)

    And no- I am not going to clean up the mess he left in his bedroom and game room again. He came home long enough to get those rooms filthy and he can clean them. If he comes home.

    Second thing- and more important- I apologize for not responding to others' threads lately. I have been lurking and reading some, but have felt in a haze lately and not very positive so I didn't think I could help anyone else at all. I am sorry- I still care about all of you!
    Last edited: May 12, 2010
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Klmno - Don't worry at all about not responding. We all go through times when we can't.

    I think you are doing the right thing not to go to court. difficult child is NOT ready to come home.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    k-o, I wouldn't worry about not being "available". We all have our times when we need a break. I'm glad that you have a good idea of the plan even though it's not what is in the best interest of the child.

    The concept of best interest of the child seems to have changed dramatically. I hope difficult child, once he gets home, realizes that he's gotten a break & needs to use it positively.
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    K, I've been thinking about you alot, eversince you were getting ready for difficult child to come home. My heart was sinking as I watched you get excited about making his room special. I've been there and the disapointment is excrutiatingly painful.

    Please believe that we care about you and your son. I don't want to jinx my kid, but things have much improved as he has matured and realized how destructive he has been to himself and others. He just admitted that he made a huge mistake in his decision to not attend the technical school which had offered him a place to learn. I didn't have to bring up the subject, he volunteered the info. When he was 18 he would rather have swallowed cyanide than admit he was wrong!
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies. I'm up having coffee and decided I will go too court. However, their plan could be dramatically different depending on who, if anyone, sees and talks to difficult child before court this morning. If he tells his def attny what he (difficult child) told me last night, difficult child could be held in detention while a GAL and DSS get on board and review placement. If the PO talks to him instead of the def attny, the PO might hear what I heard and might change his mind again. - which is one reason why I only told difficult child what the def attny planned to ask for. I already figured out that PO, although better than previous probation officer, is not all that consistent. Both PO and def attny told me they would talk to difficult child before court but both won't have time because neither went over to see difficult child yesterday so they both have left it with just about 30 mins this morning where there would be opportunity. I doubt the def attny will go, based on what we've seen in him in the past.

    If it still turns out where difficult child comes home, I won't be putting all my eggs in the PO's basket. I'll still try to work with him but after he originally claimed that difficult child would go back to Department of Juvenile Justice if he came home and didn't do what he should, then didn't violate him until he messed up twice so he ended up with two violations for about 5, tthen he didn't even ask for a monitored ankle bracelet like he said he would- I seriously doubt sending difficult child home with a slap on the wrist and more rope is a good idea and going to be very effective. Seriously- they think this 3 weeks has changed difficult child? So, if difficult child breaks the law - even sneaking out in the middle of the night- I'll be calling 911- and I'm going to make sure everyone understands that. One thing I can say, difficult child knows that if I tell him beforehand that I will report him to the cops if he does a particular thing, he KNOWS I will stick to it.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    At this point K--it is really up to difficult child. He has to make the choice. All the programs, all the restrictions, all the help in the world won't do a bit of good if he is intent on destroying his life. Read up on detachment. I know he's young. And detachment is not about not caring, it is about not becoming emotionally involved in their koi. Hugs. I watched my son go down this same road. He is still not back on the right path, and I don't know that he'll ever lived the life he or I once imagined he'd live, but he will live the life he gets because of his choices.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You just keep doing the mom thing, which is keep on plugging for doing what is in the best interest for this child.

    Sending support and strength your way!
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I think you are emobody the term "warrior" mom. I'm profoundly saddened as I read your description of an insane system. It's always been lacking, but it's gotten worse. I don't think you've detached too much. You're stilling living and breathing this nightmare every single moment of the day. I'm sorry for not being more available to *you*. Always know that I care about you and difficult child and if you need me, shout!
    Love, ML
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I so understand...
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs-you are dealing with so very much.