I cannot be on the phone all day, everyday

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Wish, Jun 20, 2018.

  1. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    So, I met this woman about 3 years ago on a different forum. I think a facebook group? I forget. We became fast friends. She lives on the other side of the country but we have had almost a few thousand hours of phone coversations under our belts. She is 41 and a single mother of two kids. She has a lot of energy, my God does she have energy. She is a multi-tasker and she can accomplish a lot and still be on the phone all day long.

    I, on the other hand, cannot do that. Don't get me wrong, I like talking on the phone, I really do but she can do this every single day and can go up to six hours total in a day if I let her. I am not able to multi task like her. Sometimes just talking to her drains me of all the energy I have and I can't do or forget to do all the important tasks I have to do for the day. I know she thinks I am not as busy as she is since I only have one child and she is 21, while her kids are still young, so what's my excuse? I'm sorry, I am just not as smart and energetic as she is. Sometimes, I need all my focus and attention and energy to complete everyday tasks.

    Well, sometimes she can be unreasonable about the phone. I tell her that I cannot talk on the phone every single day and sometimes is really upsets her.

    When I absolutely can't talk, I just ignore her phone calls and call her back when I can because if I answer and tell her I am busy, she asks me a milllion questions about what it is that I am doing or if I text her that i am busy, she doesn't reply , like she's angry.

    As I write this, I am realizing how childish this is.

    God bless this woman because I do not know how she runs a household, takes care of children and talks on the phone all day long. Whewwwwwwww. I know I can't.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look, that six hours a day or even two is crazy. It's not you, it's her. If she has littles why isn't she tending to them? The past time I could probably talk on the phone three hours was in high school high school, if I liked a boy.

    Wish she is neglecting her life and needing constant company, which doesn't make you inferior. You are an adult. Yes, it is draining to talk to anyone that long every day. That's six straight hours of nomstop chat. It's tiring even three hours every day. For most people.

    I suggest either setting a 1/2 hour limit whether she gets upset or not. You would not be being mean, but helping her realize she needs other ways to fill her social needs. It's sad she needs to do this, but you can't fix her. That much talking on the phone with you means she is not interacting with her kids and spouse if she has one. its not fair of her to take up so much of your time or to take herself emotionally away from her her young children and othef loved ones. Maybe she is sub conscoiosly hiding from them.

    If she won't accept, say, three days a week, 1/2 an hour then maybe she will choose to leave your long distance relationship.
    And it would be her choice.

    Reasonable adults don't want to talk on the phone that much. It's crazy. It's not you, it's her. You don't even have to answer the phone if you don't feel like talking.

    A real friends is somebody you can see in.person and share good times with. You can't do.this with this woman who is so far away.


    Take care of yourself. You are not inadequate. You are normal.

    Hugs!
     
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    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wish—

    You are way too nice.

    This woman is taking advantage of your kindness.

    She is also neglecting her kids and her household. She needs to be mentally and emotionally present for her kids, not just physically.

    Don’t be afraid to set limits on the amount of time you talk to her. This friendship, as is, drains you emotionally. You can’t continue. She is getting her needs met at your expense. And those needs are not normal. She really should to talk to a therapist if she is that needy.

    I wouldn’t want to talk on the phone to anyone for six hours straight, and not every day! I would go crazy!

    Very sorry this is happening to you, Wish. You must be strong and set limits with her. She is controlling you to the point where you don’t have control of your own life any more.

    This is her problem, not yours.
     
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  4. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    I encourage you to keep the friendship going, but when you have the opportunity, make it clear to her that when you tell her you have limited time or are busy and can't talk, that's exactly what you mean. It's a shame she failed to learn common, everyday people skills.
     
  5. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Thank you Swot, I needed this wake up call. Thank you

    She is taking advantage of my kindess isn't she? Another wake up call I needed to hear. I mean, you would think, with all those hours she can talk on the phone that her kids and her household is neglected but she makes it seem like she is on top of everthing. Even so, I had to stop her. Even though she was fine with it, I was not and am not.

    I will and I agree.



    By the way, I woke up this morning with my throat on fire. I went to docs and I have STREP throat. How? It's summer time. How in the world did I get this? Ugh. It hurts so badly. I can't even speak.
     
  6. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Try gargling with salt water, Wish. It works every-time for me.

    Use a standard sized glass or cup, add 3-4 tablespoons of table salt, fill with hottest water you can tolerate, then gargle.

    Repeat 3-4 times throughout the day, then again just prior to bed.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    She makes it seem like she is on top of everything. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, when it comes to housework. But, she is neglecting her kids.

    Would you want a babysitter for your kids or grandkids that was on the phone six hours per day while she was tending to them? I wouldn’t have that person back. Neither would anyone else.

    Don’t be a party to that.
     
  8. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    You know, Apple, that's one thing I used to be strict on with babysitters in our home. I told them, "hanging on the phone for extended periods is not allowed in our home when you're sitting". I wanted a direct and open line to the house (at all times) if I felt the need to call to check up on things. A busy line would not have worked. Sitters were good about it, though I relied on older, more mature sitters.
     
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yes, not to mention that if they are on the phone, they are not watching the kids! Women like this gives stay-at-home moms a bad name!
     
  10. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    It's true. I remember when I used to babysit, talking on the phone was standard. I'd usually wait until I had the kids settled in their beds/cribs for the night before chatting, but us girls (my friends) used to call each other from our babysitting jobs all the time, so early calls (before bedtime hours) definitely happened.

    I remember when I was dating dear husband. I used to babysit for Mrs. Storch, on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Anyhow, it never failed, I'd be in changing the baby and toddler and getting them ready for bed, and the phone would ring. It was dear husband, so I'd tell him, "I'm busy with the kids and will have to call you back". He knew bedtime at Mrs. Scorch's house was between 7:30 and 8:00 pm, yet he'd call me every time. Roll eyes... LOL!

    Anyhow, as soon as I'd finish-up with the kids, I'd light a cigarette, call up dear hubby (boyfriend at the time), and we'd chat it up. Always had a way of making me feel like a real mom, like we were married and I was at home with the kids. :)

    Do want to add that I was an extremely attentive sitter, always in tune with what was going on. One of the first spankings I gave as a sitter was the result of a charge of mine playing with matches. Little tyke got his butt paddled that night, then at the end of the night when his mom arrived back home, I relayed the happening to her, which resulted in the little tyke getting another spanking. That's how it worked back in the day, act up with a sitter, you got spanked, then you got another spanking when momma got home. You knew to behave or else.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Exactly!

    After the kids are in bed, your time is your own, but when you have pre-schoolers, you have to be present for them, in all ways.

    Short calls or an occasional longer call during the day is fine, but every day? Problem.
     
  12. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Apple. To be perfectly honest with you, I loathe the telephone! Always have. I just hate hanging on the line till ones arm gets a kink and sore, and answering over and over again, "yep", "nope", "yep", "nope". :)

    I've had people ignore me telling them that I have to go, and that is one of the most rude things to do to someone. Even on the street I'll occasionally run into someone I know that just doesn't know how to digest the words, "I'm really busy today and have to keep moving".
     
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I don’t love talking on the phone, either, but I do it quite a bit because all my relatives live elsewhere. I do like talking to my brother on the phone, because he is quick and to the point. Never chats for more than ten minutes, and usually no more than five.

    I used to yak with girl friends who lived near me, in my younger days, but now it’s so much more convenient to text now that it exists. You can go about your day and type out a quick response when it is convenient.

    I have had long-distance relationships and I don’t think I have ever come close to a six-hour phone conversation.
     
  14. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    Me, too... there are times when I enjoy a lengthy phone call... relatives/family I haven't spoken to forever, but as for daily chats on the phone, I like them short and brief.

    I remember us girls (my friends and I) used to get-together regularly at each others homes in the evening. We'd make tea and chat, and on evenings we felt like going out, we'd gather at our favourite haunt, smoke our cigarettes, and talk over a coffee. I miss those days.
     
  15. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Thanks guys. What do I tell her when she says "I have two kids, tend to them, clean home and manage life and am able to do all of that while still being on the phone. You don't have any young children at home. What's your excuse?"
     
  16. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    She doesn't really say it like that, but she does insinuate it at times.
     
  17. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    I would be direct and straight with her and tell her nicely, "I prefer shorter calls to longer ones when on the telephone".

    Just because one doesn't have babies or young children to tend to in the home, doesn't mean they have unlimited free time to gab. :)
     
  18. Pink Elephant

    Pink Elephant Well-Known Member

    What a shame. If only people knew that making a nuisance of yourself never bodes well in the friendship category.
     
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  19. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    That is something she will never, ever, never understand. Way over her head.
     
  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Am I the only friend you have? Maybe there is a reason for that.....

    No, I wouldn’t really say that, but I would be thinking it, and a lot more uncharitable things.....

    Pink is correct—you don’t have to justify yourself to her.

    When you get on the phone, tell her you only have fifteen minutes to talk. If she asks why, tell her you have other things to. If she argues, tell her that you must go NOW. If you have to say it twice, gently hang up.

    Anyone that would browbeat a friend into doing something they don’t want to do isn’t really a friend and is using them for their own selfish purposes. That is not normal behavior, so don’t let her get away with it.

    At the end of your call, tell her that you will talk to her in a few days. Then, don’t answer for a few days. You must ween her off of you. She is way too dependent, and that is not good.

    Keep doing this. Don’t give in to her.

    And, no matter what she claims, she is neglecting her kids.
     
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