I can't take anymore!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Mar 26, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    More phone calls. Only this time it was her actual friend who called last night. We know the family pretty well, we were all close at one time, even myself and her mother became friends. B met this girl and her sister while in placement and when they got out they hung out together a lot. They would always spend the night here. The family always cared about B and tried to steer her in the right direction. So I believe with all my heart that this girl is telling the truth. I also believe that she is actually "Shelly". She probably used that relay service so that my daughter would not find out it was her that was telling us. It makes so much sense, that's exactly how she knew my sister's full name and cell phone number. I am utterly sick to my stomach!!!

    This girl, I'll call her V, called last night and told my sister that B was on 241st street in the Bronx prostituting!!! A little while later my sister called B and asked her about it, of course she denied it. In fact at that point B was with V and her sister. We were very confused. But in the end it makes sense. About an hour later V called again. My sister asked her if she was just with B and V said yes. They saw her on the street dressed like a hooker and forced her into their car. They begged B to come home. She refused. V asked B where she was living but B wouldn't tell V. This girl has no reason to lie to us. We know her entire family and they are decent people. They have always tried their best to help my daughter. We spent holidays together. Her brother used to spend every weekend with us. They are concerned about my daughter and are telling us so that we can go and save her. What am I supposed to do??? I am in total shock. I mean, I always had a feeling that this is what my baby girl was doing but to actually know for sure makes me SICK!!!! How could this happen??? She does not belong out there on the streets, she has family that love her for God's sake!!! She has a damn good family, we all have bent over backwards a gazillion times for her. We all love her very much. She does not come from abuse, neglect or addiction - WTH!!!!! I am absolutely sick over this. I have no doubt that I will be attending my daughter's funeral. How on earth do I live with this??? How on earth could she do this??? How??? She is destroying herself!!! She is destroying her soul!!!

    What am I supposed to do??? What now??? I am at a total loss!!! I called the detective and left him a message. My sw is coming today for my weekly therapy, thank God. I need to see her today!!! I just can't believe this is happening. I never really thought it would get this bad. Does mental illness really allow people to make these kinds of choices? Because there is no other explanation as to why she would choose this for her life!!!! I wish that I was a horrible mother then this would make sense!!! It is just so bizarre to me. I feel like I am in a nightmare that I just can't wake up from!!! How on earth am I supposed to live with this??????????? I am devastated, heartbroken and scared to death. This just never ends. It NEVER ends!!!!

    Any advice??? Please. I don't know how I am going to live through this. I need help. I am so sad. I can't handle anymore of this craziness!!!! My heart hurts, aches, my stomach is in knots and I feel as though I am going to be sick at any moment!!!! This just stinks!!! Oh my God, please help my baby!!! Please!!!!

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry, Bran. How devestating this must be for you. Is there a chance your difficult child is using drugs? That certainly can turn someone to prostitution. But sometimes, there is no "why." Things just... are. It doesn't matter what kind of family a kid is from.

    I'm glad you called the detective; maybe they'll pick her up. I'm also glad you have your SW coming today... just in time.

    I wish I had advice... but I did want you to know I was here, reading.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Bran, I am so sorry. {hugs}
    How that must hurt.

    Yes, I would say that mental illness sends people off in the wrong direction quite often. And she may be using drugs, which would only compound the problem. I'm not a dr but I can see that your daughter has something wrong and she is making very poor choices. She seems to think that what she's doing means freedom, and what you represent is restriction.

    She can't see the bigger picture. I doubt that anything you say or do will change it. She will have to learn for herself.

    I have every body part crossed for her luck and safety, and for her clarity of mind. She will come around some day, when she realizes that standing on a dirty streetcorner, in the rain, waiting for some stranger to pick her up, is no longer what it means to be free and independent. It's simply another form of dependency.

    I am so glad that your SW is coming over today.

    And I am surprised to discover who the mystery caller is. Perhaps your sister or you can get the friend to drop hints or offer suggestions, since your daughter won't listen to you?
  4. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    the thing is, how are you going to save her from herself? And I think the friend is just making things worse. Your dtr thrives on drama and the friend is playing right into that. I think the only way she is going to do anything to help herself is when she decides that is what she wants--it won't happen a moment sooner.

    I am so sorry, I know this is awful. I don't mean to sound heartless or cold, I just think you have got to really truly realize that you have no power over your dtr and you have a son and husband who need you and the whole family can't go down with the ship.

    Take care,
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Bran--

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of this anguish.

    Unfortunately, the answer to your question is that YES--mental illness causes people to make poor choices for themselves. And the mentally ill constitute a large percentage of the homeless population in this country.

    I don't know all of the circumstances of your life....or how close you live in proximity to the area where you daughter is supposedly "hooking"....but maybe it would be a good idea to start getting involved in some of the charity groups in that area? Soup kitchens, shelters, advocacy centers--(not sure exactly what is available there)--whereever there are people hurting, there are also people helping. And many times those "helping" know all of the players....

    It may be a good way to get information about the kind of lifestyle B is living and the people she is staying with. It will also put you in daily contact with struggling adults just like her and give you and opportunity to make a difference....(if your poor heart can handle it.)

    Not sure if that would be appropriate...it's just a suggestion.

    Sending ((((Hugs)))) and support....

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. Mental illness does make people behave in ways that are opposite the way they were raised and in ways that are not good for them. difficult child could be living this way from that, or from a drug problem (HIGHLY likely) or even from a personality disorder.

    It is likely that it is some combination of the 3 things.

    Sadly there is NOTHING you can do or say to stop her. If you drag her away she will just go right back. If you move with her she will find another area to live this way or find her way back to where she is.

    You MUST stop taking these late night calls. Find a way to concentrate on your son and on your family nearby (sister, etc.)... Let difficult child live the way she is and reap the FULL consequences of that life.

    If she comes around then call the cops because her warrant. If she is still hooking after she clears that up then you must make sure she isn't around your son. She would be considered a "bad influence" on him by the courts. If something ever came up in court then that could be held against you.

    difficult child will ONLY stop living this way when SHE wants to. She must hit HER bottom. It sounds like seh is at the bottom in your mind. But not in her mind. Until she hits, you must be sure not to enable her.

    PLEASE go to al anon or narc anon. They will understand, I promise. They will help you stay calm through this - it will not help if you get sick from stress, will it?

    I am so very sorry. I know you want to run right down there and bring her to the court to get the warrant fixed and then home to be your little girl. But chances are she is mixed up with some people who will get VERY mean if she tries to break away from her life. They will be worse if you try to break her away. You MUST consider the safety of your son, your other family members and yourself. Wait until difficult child wants to change, whenever that happens.

    Make sure difficult child knows that you love her and will help her when she decides to kick her habits.

    Gentle, gentle hugs.
  7. I am so sorry Bran. I can't imagine what you are feeling or going through. I have no advice, just support and hugs.

  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Bran, I'm afraid you are going to have a stroke. Please change your phone number, I lived with drama for too many years, some of our kids thrive on dangerous life styles. Drug use and pimping were once considered vile things, now our society glorifies those behaviors. You are fighting a mind set, you've done all you can. (((HUGS))).
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so sorry Bran............

    Just a few thoughts here in order to try and help you get a plan of action ~

    First, I would stop calling B when V calls. Period. This helps nothing, and feeds into the attention and drama B craves. I would also ask V to please call with information only. As in, does she know the address of where she is at, etc. I think you and I posted that we thought this friend was for real, and she is. Now, what can V literally help you with???? Write it down. My guess would be simply for information.

    Second, have you seen a DR? I know I keep asking you that - but you have got to get some stability for yourself so that you son can maintain his healthiness, and your marriage stays in tact.

    Third, you know she is on drugs - and one of the main reasons women prostitute themselves is to feed their drug habit. In addition her mental illness, coupled with the drugs, is like gasoline and a match. B is not in any way thinking clearly, logically, or sensibly. It is NOT your parenting - it is the drugs and her illness combined.

    The only thing you can do at this point is get some mental and medical help for yourself - and feed the detective information. You are going to have to take 30 steps backwards from this, and take all the emotion out of it in order to survive this. Do not call B every time V calls, and ask if she is OK. Do not let V tell you all of the details of what B is doing, because that only puts you on an emotional roller coaster. Step way, way back and become a bit numb - and only deal with funneling information to the detective.

    I am so so sorry. You are in my daily prayers - you will get through this. You will!!!!! You are strong, capable, courageous, and able to get through this fire without getting burned. I believe in you.

    We love you
  10. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Why? (supposing it's true)

    I'm not sure what the initials letters in your signature stand for: Borderline (BPD) (borderline personality disorder?), BiPolar (BP) (bipolar?), but it sounds like she has a lot of chaos going on in her head and maybe to her this lifestyle is 'easier'. Add drugs and alcohol into the mix, her bad experiences with school, her constant conflicts with 'normal' life, it may be the path parents want for their kids (education, good job, steadiness, law abiding) just seems impossibly hard for her.

    The struggle of being normal middle class young adult is just too much for her. It takes a lot of self discipline to go to the same job at the same time every day, especially entry level jobs. People do it because they have a vision of how it's going to improve their lives; but she may not be able to envision herself as an adult in that kind of middle class life.

    She looks ahead to kids, a white picket fenced house, an office, a degree and she just can't see herself in that picture; not that she doesn't want it; but she can't see how she can fit herself into that picture, it may seem like asking her to start speaking chinese, or to join the Cirque du Soleil as a high wire artist.

    And she may also because of her past experiences with school, the law, society, feel that that life has rejected her before she had a chance to find her way into it.

    Whereas the life she's chosen may seem like it's easy: easy money, work when she wants, irregular hours, time to party, a certain amount of freedom, the power of feeling desired and attractive to strangers/men, the drama of fighting with her 'boyfriend', very little is required of her, she can 'work' drunk or high (if indeed she's doing that), it's near impossible to be a failure, the violence (if any) with her boyfriend seems immediate and is diversionary from her larger problems (focus on him and his problems, rather than her own), and her mental illness prevents her from seeing the long term consequences of her actions; she's too busy getting through the day to wonder about what's going to happen in 10 years. Toss in a little seasoning about how popular culture glamorizes this choice, and it's not surprising some of our dear children are lost this way.

    I'm not saying this is any of it true for her, only that there are other reasons for these choices than she had a bad mother, or a terrible childhood, or that she's been let down by people who love her.

    But in America and in your heart there will always be a second and third and forth and more chance. She can change her mind at any time. A lot of women do.

    I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, and still hope that somehow it's not true.
  11. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. All I can say is through seeing my husband's sister live her life of chaos. Drinking, drugs, partying, abusive relationships, not working living off of anyone and welfare, 6 kids all raised by others/foster care. For many years her family, including husband, tried to help her, tried to get her to change the way she was living her life. Nothing ever changed her, nothing has ever saved her. She's currently in jail, and was happy to go there because lots of her friends were there and they could hang out. The family has given up trying to help her change or save her, because she doesn't want to change or be saved. She is still part of the family, but they leave her to her life and don't get involved in any of her drama, ever. There is nothing else they can do. And yes, mental illness is part of the reason she has chosen the life path she has.

    You have to come to realize that there is nothing you can do to save your daughter, unless she wants to be saved. It may take you a long time, as it did my husband's family. It's all up to her now. You have let her know of your love, worry, and that you're there for her when she wants something better. I'm sorry that there's nothing else you can do for her.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Shawna. I have no advice, just sending hugs and support. Keeping you all in my prayers.
  13. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind and thoughtful responses. Your support means the world to me.

    You all are so very right. I know in my heart that I have been a good mother and that her life is a result of her illness and HER choices. I know that there simply is nothing left that I can do for her unless and until she wants me to. This is just such a sad reality for a mother to live with. I live in an emotional prison, suffocating with pain and worry and I am sick of riding this roller coaster. The loops and hills are just too much to bare! I crave freedom, a freedom that I will never know for I will always suffer as I will always love this beautiful child. It hurts deeply and profoundly. To know that she thinks so little of herself and that she is so completely lost just breaks my heart. I gave her life and life gave her hell. It's not fair. I am so angry!!! Why??? Why do so many people have to suffer like this??? I know that there isn't an answer for that question, just venting a bit.

    Everyone of you has said many things that ring so true. It's amazing how well you all get me and understand my daughter so well. I am so grateful to this place and all of the wonderful people who belong to this group. Just to know that I am not alone makes such a huge difference. It also makes me so sad at the same time, to know so many of us exist!!! It just stinks!!!

    WSM: Wow, you have pegged it dead on!!! Everything that you said about my daughter is so accurate. Thank you!

    Steely: My SW says the same thing to me all of the time. She wants me to go to the doctor and get myself help. I know I need to. I actually found a free clinic. Completely free. A doctor in the next town over opened up a clinic at a church. He does everything there. I am supposed to go Friday night. I hope I can bring myself to do it. Truthfully I don't even know what is stopping me!!! Thank you for your support.

    Susie: Thank you for your continued support. As always, you are so right. I must find a way to live with this and wait for her to hit her bottom. It's just so hard. I think you are right, al anon might be helpful to me. Whether she is addicted or not, the behaviors are the same. Her illness looks just like addiction!! (I know she is doing drugs though)

    Thank you all so much for the hugs, prayers and body crossings (Terry :))!!! I will let you all know how my therapy goes.

    So grateful,

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am just so sad for the pain you are going through as a Mom.
    It will get easier for you. I don't know if she will ever be the *child we all dream our children will be*.
    But maybe she will be happy one day?
    Maybe she will find something that is enough for for her? Some of us. Some our kids, some of our family members have had to travel a long horrible journey.
    There are so many reasons, please do not rack your brain trying to answer that question!
    We all wouldn't be here if we knew those answers.

    Please don't get angry at her, it will only feed your anger and sorrow.
    This is a path that was for some reason chosen for you and her.

    I have had to give into this reasoning when I look at my family. I can't question why my Mom was who she was, why my Dad is who he is.
    Or why my Daughter's have issues and why I have Mental Illness.

    I just have to accept that there is a plan.
    Some days I hate this plan. Some days it makes me cry and want to run away.
    Some days I feel so strong and like I can fight this battle.
    You are not alone, your story is unique, it is yours.
    I hate that you are having to go through this.

    I honestly do not know what I would do if it was K. I think I would hope I could be half as strong as you.

    You are getting through this. One day at a time.

    Re-read your posts, you have gotten stronger.
    The advice today is wonderful please read through it and know you have friends.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I wish there was anything, something I could say to help your pain. I would surely say it. Somed days I wonder if God is just angry at me or if I was a real poop in a former life. Grasping at straws became a full time hobby for me. It nearly led ME to my own mental illness.

    Part of me would load up in the car and find her, and kidnap her, then take her to some remote island with therapy. As much as I have learned to detach from my sons behaviors? NOTHING will ever make my want for a better life for my child disappear. That is a dream that you CAN have, and can keep from the entire rest of the world and you don't have to share it iwth anyone. Every now and then you can just sit quietly and think about your dream, cry a little, cry a lot and pray. Then fold the dream back up, put it back in the box, place it near enough to your heart that you can open it any time, but far enough away that you're not tempted to look every minute and obsess. (Truly it's the racing thoughts that were my near demise)

    You know, I've never met her...but I bet shes just a beautiful girl. I bet she sat for hours on your lap and told you things she wanted to be, dreams she had, things she wanted. I bet none of them involved mental illness, drugs, and prostitution. So maybe it's time to write that letter. Write out how you feel, write out how much you love her, the pride you have for her, write out how you wish things had been different, write out how it's not too late, write out how you'll help her. Then fold it up, put it away and don't read it for a week. Then open it a week later, grab a red pen and cross out everything that you felt was just an emotional run on sentence. What's left? Write again, find your daughter and give to her. Say nothing - just hand her the letter.

    That could be the beginning of detachment 101 for you - or (to open that little dream box a tad) it could be the end of her doing things totally her way. Maybe get some advice from the therapist you're going to go see and read the letter to him/her. (YOU ARE GOING TO SEE HER/HIM AREN'T YOU)? (said in my most big sister thundering tone) lol. Not because I'm pushy - because I care, I've been there, and I see no sense in wasting time - go, do, done.

    My heart hurts for so many here - you're among them.

    Hugs & Love and a little smile to share because you have lost yours..:redface:
  16. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I am in awe of the wise support you have been given and so sad and sorry you are going throught this. I will pray for your girl.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) No advice.
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Star said it so beautifully, for all of us. None of us thought when our babies were sitting on our lap, wanting to be loved and cuddled, that their world could be such chaos. It is horrific to try and accept that reality - and give up our maternal dreams. I struggle with this daily, as we all do.

    Continue to fight the good fight Shawna - you will overcome this. And there should be no fear in going to the Dr., for a little medical help. It took H dying and Matthew trying to commit suicide for me to finally beg a Dr for some relief from my racing thoughts, heart palpitations, and sleepless nights. I cannot tell you what that has done to turn my life around, and at least give me physical relief from the mental pain. My heart still hurts, but my body is better.
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Bran, I do know that this hurts because I saw my sister go through this with her son. I watched the train wreck happening in slow motion, I tried to help (so did other sisters) and we did all we could. When he was in jail, husband & I got the chaplain on side to see what he could to to help - this chaplain was formerly a drug addict and biker who found God through our church (before we were living in the area), came back for a visit and that washow we linked up. But even he couldn't get through to my nephew.

    My nephew had a good home, a mother who did her utmost to help him and to get help for him, who went to court for him and did her best to get him into rehab. He left home at 14 to live in the streets and prostituted himself as well as doing break & enters to afford the drugs he was hooked on. After he came out of jail and was living with the mother of his first child, my sister tried to help them by giving them a washing machine, a fridge, various other things which I know he sold to buy more drugs. If she hadn't given them stuff (which she did so they could wash the clothes for her grandson) then he wouldn't havve been able to buy the drugs so easily.

    My sister took many years to learn to detach; she finally had no choice because he cut himself off from her and told her that because she was an interfering old witch she would never see her grandchildren again (this was because she refused to give him more money; he had almost bankrupted her already). Meanwhile her other kids suffered as the money drained from the family.

    My nephew is at last clean and back in his mother's life, but at arm's length. She has no money left to help any of her kids out, which is a good thing because old habits die hard.

    Your daughter - this is no surprise. I'm sorry. So very sorry, but in your heart you must have known she was "on the game" even casually. She's been sending you messages, trying to use this to make you angry, to cause drama and to push your buttons. Even before she hit you and ran off, she was sending you messages loud and clear that she had been selling herself. I guess we all wanted to think on the positive side and assume she was just trying to make you angry, to cause a scene and give herself an excuse to walk out.

    You DID know she was no longer a virgin. These days it's not the big deal it was in our day, but it's still a shock to dicover your daughter has already had more sexual partners than both her parents combined.

    You can't control her. You haven't been able to for a very long time, so why dream about it now? And even if you could - what would it achieve? Let's say that you could get in your car, drive to where she is soliciting, grab her and drag her into the car. You drive off somewhere, a motel somewhere where you have a deprogrammer waiting. Or you take her to a rehab centre or a psychiatric ward and have her admitted against her will.
    How long would she stay there? And even if, by some miracle, she complied, "saw te light", got clean and walked out the door telling everyone and herself that she would go straight - she wouldn't have done this herself, so iti wouldn't last. Besides, you know it wouldn't happen like that, she would be kicking and screaming all the way and would put every fibre of her being into escaping. It wouldactually be fun, exciting and part of the drama, to outwit everybody yet again. it would only serve to increase her contempt for everyone and in the end make her even more incorrigible.

    So you must detach.

    What is more - you need to get V to sit down with you and also learn this lesson - DETACH. V is 'channelling' you, she is trying to help her friend but she is also, like you, only making things worse. For B, for you, for herself.

    You ALL must do the most difficult thing possible - walk away. If you see her shivering on a street corner, wearing dlimsy scanty clothing in a freezing gale, do not even stop and buy her a coffee. Even that, is enabling her. The more she is enabled, the longer it will be before she reaches rock bottom (HER rock bottom, I think it was Shari who said that).

    Every time you try to help, or try to find out where she is, or try to do anything at all with her, you are digging her hole deeper. The hole is at ground level, she may be doing some digging but every time you intervene, so are you. And as the hole gets deeper, so the time this process will take, is increased.

    Example - my nephew was up before the judge for break and enter. My sister begged the judge to go easy on him, asking the judge to send him to rehab instead of prison. The judge listened, took into account that this lad was clearly form a home with a loving mother and good background, had never wanted for anything and said to him, "You are a lucky young man, you don't know a good thing when it's kicking you in the rear. Because of your mother, I am not gonig to send you to jail; not yet. Instead, you will go to rehab. But if you leave before your time is up, then it's jail, for six months."

    So they sent him to rehab. A week later he was back on the streets, bragging that the court system was nothing to be afraid of. In the end he accumulated even more crimes (drug offences - possession, selling, trafficking; break & enter; prostitution; vagrancy; consorting) and spent years behind bars, in a much 'harder' prison.

    If my sister had stayed out of it he would have gone to prison for 6 months and this could have been enough to make him wake up to himself. But she intervened because she was desperate - her baby was doing unthinkable things on the streets, allowing strange men do do horrible things to him and then buying contaminated drugs and using dirty needles; of course she wanted him away from it all. But in the end it kept him on the streets even longer, he was unreachable for even more years and has now fried his brain.

    My nephew is NOT homosexual, but had no qualms about selling his body to men. This was at a really nasty time as far as transmission of HIV was concerned. Amazingly, he is not only still alive but seems to have escaped 'catching' anything really nasty and incurable.
    These days hookers (male and female) can use protection as par for the course, plus treatment is much easier and effective.

    Your daughter - I'd say it's almost a certainty that she is on drugs, HARD drugs because they not only cost the big money but they also are the ones that have you craving it so badly that you WILL literally do anything to get your next fix. People don't prostitute themselves for marijuana. Given a choice between going home with you and working towards a steady, safe life with a job that earns $500 a week or staying on the streets where it's exciting, where she can earn $500 a day or more (in order to support a $500 a day habit) and where she feels desired and at the edge - I'm sorry, Bran, but you can't compete with the drugs.

    And it's not just the drugs themselves - even if you could guarantee her supply, there would still be something she is craving that goes beyond the drugs.

    The other thing to consider - this is a nasty lifestyle, often part of a vicious circle where drug clients who begin as casual users are lured in (often by free samples or cheap supply, or "I'll give you a free taste if you drop off this parcel for me") and then once they're hooked, they are kept that way and supported into prostitution in order to maintain the status quo. A girl wanting to make fast money and go into prostitution, even just casually, is often introduced to drugs as a way of making the prostitution easier to cope with ("use coke and you can stay awake all night, satisfy more clients and make more money"). Once hooked, she can't give up the prostitution without also giving up the drug supply. And it works the other way - a kid wanting access to drugs can find the price drops a bit, or it's more affordable, when they sell themselves. Often thodse controlling the drugs are also controlling the prostitution. A pimp generally keeps their 'staff' hooked and compliant through a mix of fear, control and being the drug supplier. The staff have to then work off their debt in so many ways.

    It's nasty. You need to distance yourself because you just can't compete. When you try to compete, you actually make it easier for the pimps and drug pushers to get their claws in deeper.

    I know your daughter has BiPolar (BP), but not everyone with BiPolar (BP) does what she is doing. And not all easy child kids avoid doing what she is doing. B's story sounds like a mirror image of my nephew's. I don't think the BiPolar (BP) is much, if any, factor here.

    Why is she doing this? Well, I don't think it really makes any difference. It's got little if anything to do with socioeconomic rank of the family. Private school kids living a pampered life are just as likely to do this as kids on the wrong side of the tracks.

    Don't blame yourself for her choices. But you MUST detach. You also MUST get help for yourself, if you want to save your son from going down the same path. The only thing worse than a kid selling herself to buy hard drugs, is TWO kids selling themselves to buy hard drugs.

    Go join NarcAnon and take V with you. Get your son to the teen version of it. He has been damaged by this already as well.

    Do this as a priority - they are the group which did the most to help my sister change her mental approach, which was the biggest thing that stopped her son's further downward spiral.

    If you want to help your daughter - stop reacting to what she says/does, stop ringing her whenever you hear horrible rumours (even when they're likely to be true - DON'T respond), and go to NarcAnon ASAP.

    I'm sorry if I come across as hard, cruel, unfeeling - I do feel for you, this cuts deep. But I have seen what happens next and I want to save you from the worst of what is to come. And it IS much worse. Much, much worse. You don't want to play any part in where she goes next, you need to be able to say that she had no help digging herself in a deeper hole.

    Get help. Go to NarcAnon. Get your sister there and V. Because V is trying also to be a rescuer, so is your sister. And you MUST stop this, all of you, or not only will you all get hurt, you will make it much nastier for B. Show this to them if you need to, to get them to join with you and go with you.

    V sounds like a girl who wants to be a good friend but who is totally lost by this. If you can't save B, then see what you can do to help V from the damage this has done to her. And learn form NarcAnon what you need to do, for your son.

    Last edited: Mar 27, 2009
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, one day at a time.
    When my daughter was running around at night at all hours doing God knew what...I just kept reciting the Serenity Prayer to myself. I was sometimes sobbing while I did it, but it helped. It was a statement of sanity for me. "...the wisdom to know the difference..." I even bought a necklace with that prayer on it because it was all I had to keep my sanity. I too thought my daughter would end up either in terminal jail or dead of an overdose. She looked half dead. She didn't seem to care about herself. And I couldn't do anything about it--and, yet, I was her mother. Worse (in MY eyes) I'd adopted her. I would think of how her birthmother would hate me if she knew that I had taken her baby girl and somehow made her this miserable (tears still come to my eyes when I think of this). I would picture some young woman, with my daughter's face, sobbing, "I should have kept my baby! This wouldn't have happened!" I pictured my daughter's funeral.
    You can't know what the future holds. Even the worst addicts sometimes decide they've had enough and are determined to change. It is best to try to live in the present instead of the future when you have a child who is acting like yours (and like mine did).
    Go to Narc-Anon meetings. You need real time support. That helped me. The other group members let me cry in their arms, and they understood. Take as much support as you can and try to live day-to-day. (((Hugs)))