I didn't send him to school.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Aug 21, 2009.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I did not hear back from anyone at school after their meeting that SpEd Director was supposedly going to go have.

    difficult child woke up this morning extremely anxious. He didn't want to go to school cause he knew he'd be bad, no matter what he does, he's just a bad boy.

    Then he said the para told him that I am not allowed to come to school anymore.

    Then he fell apart.

    I do not want this behavior transferred to the new morning para, as well. I did not want this behavior brought into this school year. And now it's here.

    I did not hear back from the school on what was done to address this. I made a few phone calls, difficult child pulled himself together and got ready for school, came out when he was ready, and I said "you know, the school was supposed to call me and they have not. I don't think you'r better go until we know what is going to happen here." He said (its obvious that he would really rather go to school but he didn't push the issue). Then he asked me if he was bad. I said no.

    I said 'you have to learn to control yourself, and you can, but you need people to help you, not push you until you lose control.'

    He said "that sounds like you are saying i'm bad". I said "no, I'm not saying you are bad. I'm saying you have to work extra hard and need help, and we need to figure out where to get that."

    He said ok and asked if he'll be able to go Monday.

    We'll see, buddy, we'll see.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm so sorry that the school is so awful. I've pulled Tigger out in Nov of Kindergarten (student teacher left, school refused aide), in Sept of 3rd grade (horrible teacher/aide) and in May of 4th grade (teacher was punishing him for her lack of control and slanting the truth to support her inappropriate restraints). I will not let them make my child feel like he is bad. Not when it is their failure.

    Please give difficult child a hug from me and tell him Aunt JJJ knows he is a good boy!
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It sounds as if you made the right call....

    I can't help but feel that maybe you should try homeschooling. It's gotta be a better option that that awful SD.

  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If I could find a daycare that could handle him, i would homeschool him. i just need to decide if i'm gonna keep my job or handle my kid. it shouldn't come down to that, but i'm afraid it is.
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    It shouldn't come to that but in this case, I think the school plays a BIG part in it being that way. I'm sorry but I still think you should go to someone outside of the school. Do what was suggested in your other thread (talk to super and mention the media if they don't take you seriously) but go to SOMEONE. Granted, I only know what you have said here but it just sounds like this school is horrible and some sort of intervention is needed.

    Not that I would want to put your difficult child through more hades, but is there a way you could put a voice activated digital recorder in his bad or on him somewhere? I saw an article once where parents did that and discovered that their child was being physically abused at school.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I quit my full time job to stay with my difficult children. I tried part-time work and even that was too much to allow me to meet their needs. I figure I can always go back to work once they are adults but I won't get a second chance at their childhoods.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm almost there. He needs me to be there, but he also needs the health insurance...its a bleepin' catch 22. Ins thru my husband's work is very expensive...we couldn't afford it without a second income.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    my mom is working the phones today, filing a complaint with the state. I've got the school board members' names and phone numbers. I also talked to that lady that came here with Parenting magazine, and I'm going to let the school know that I did that interview.

    The country agency has reported the closet to the state.

    I've tried to play nice. I'm done.

    To quote Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, 'you called down the thunder, well now you've got it. The law's coming...I'M coming...and hell is coming with me.'
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Go get 'em Wyatt! :sword:
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ok, maybe not quite that harsh...but it fits what I'm feeling.

    The SpEd director just called and scheduled another meeting for monday morning 8am. She wanted to know why he was not in school. I told her. You can't handle the afternoon, and now he's upset about the whole darn day. I won't take the chance of transferring that behavior on the new para.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Shari...just a thought. Try and get SSI for him as that would give you medicaid for him which would cover the insurance portion. Even if you only get 20 bucks in cash, the insurance is the most important part. This is income based so if you have to quit your job it will be solely based on your husband's income and counts his easy child's child support payments and other stuff from the income as expenses. Just something to think about.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Dang it all! I was so praying when you first went to this school last year that it would be a great experience. Now all they have done is to slow his academic growth and put him in a very very bad place emotionally! I wish I lived closer so I could go pour boiling oil on those cruel idiots at that school!!

    This brings back so very many horrible memories about Wiz and school. Do not ever doubt that this is hurting your child greatly. Wiz was 7yo and in 2nd grade when he first tried to commit suicide because "the teacher says I am bad and I will never be good ever in my whole life". I have that phrase burned into my memories and it makes me see red.

    It is time to stop playing nice and get an advocate and a lawyer to sue the school district for abuse and intentionally causing emotional distress.

    They seem bound and determined to prove he is 'bad' no matter what so they just keep heaping more and more abuse on him.

    I had to make that choice about work or caring for Wiz. It wasn't a very easy choice, but it turned out to be a very good one. It took over a YEAR to get to a place where Wiz would do a full day's worth of assignments but we spent much of that year in group and indiv therapy and doctor appts of all kinds.

    I call it the year we taught wiz how to be a decent person and to enjoy himself. I never regretted homeschooling him - not even the days he drove me nuts.

    Sending lots of hugs to all of you.

    Weegfg, I am so sorry that the adults in your school are meanie weenies. You are NOT a bad boy in any way. They are BAD adults. Very bad. Auntie Susie says they need a time out and to do some work to learn to be good people before they can be rewarded with your time and efforts.
    Your Board Aunties are trying to help mommy find ways to teach the school adults to behave well.

    Do you think maybe the teacher and helpers need a chart where you can give them stickers for being good? Maybe you and mommy can talk about that and find a way to help them learn.

    No matter what, always remember and never forget that Auntie Susie loves you and KNOWS you are a very good boy. You work so hard at being good and Mommy and I know it. It is NOT your fault that the school adults are so mean to you. I would be frustrated and would have a yelling fit with them just like you do.

    So maybe we can work on not yelling together. I will work on it here and you work on it at home with mommy. Deal?

    I am so proud of you for all the things you do!

    Lots of Love,

    Auntie Susie
  13. Christy

    Christy New Member

    My son has had a very difficult time in school due to his learning disabilities and explosive behavior. After a very difficult school year, I quit my job to homeschool my son. It was the best decision I ever made. He is actually back in school now but raising a difficult child is way more difficult than raising a typical kid and more than a full-time. Being a stay at home mom, I have no worries about taking him to the endless therapist, psychiatrist appointments, and frequent school meetings. I can now pick him up from school because the bus ride home was long and difficult for him. My son has needed to be hospitalized a few time over the past two years and I don't know how I would have managed had I been working. And it has allowed me to focus on him without feeling like I am neglecting my job which has been the key to my sanity.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Glad you kept him home today.
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I have a couple observations and I hope I don't step on your toes a little.

    I think you have to be really careful what you are saying in front of your son. He doesn't really need to know all the dirty details about what is going on at school. I would not share with him anything negative about the school - don't let him overhear you discussing your displeasure. He is going to feel your angst, your anxiety, your frustration and that's going to translate to anxiety for him which is in turn going to result in a short frustration fuse.

    I think I would have sent him for a half day the first day since you knew the para was consistant for those hours. It might have been a small, good start and not made him feel he was bad.

    Obviously, you need to do what you feel is right for him - whether its keeping him home, modified day, etc. I think your little guy is feeling that anxiety which never bodes well for school success. Does he have a therapist that he talks with? I know that really helped my son talk things out when he was younger and having behavior/frustration/anxiety issues in school.

    Sorry the school is impeding your son's education. I can't remember whether you have checked into an education advocate yet. It might be time to go seek some outside help.


  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'd like to see him get some play therapy- just for his feelings about himself and negativity and anxiety in general. My son started with the "I must be bad" statements (although at an older age than yours) and started playing the part. Now, I get very concerned when I hear about another child saying that over and over. Knowing what I knopw now, I'd start with that but keep trying to turn things to a more positive expereince at school. That does play into it a lot, I think, and it took a lot of head-beating between me and the school to get them to treat my son differently.

    I don't blame you for keepiing him home but I agree about not saying anything to him about the school situation just yet. Maybe just tell him that "things didn't go well before, but we're going to try at a different place now because that's what we do- if things don't work out one way, we keep trying until we find a way that does. We don't give up and we can't think that all places will be like the last."
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Susie, thanks for that note. It made him smile, tho I don't think it all really sunk in. lol

    Sharon, thanks for the reminder, and no toes stepped on. I try to watch it, but when he never goes away, its hard.

    FWIW, the only reason I told him anything about the school not calling back (and it was just matter of fact) was because I didn't want him to get the message that he wasn't going because he didn't want to go...I wanted to send the message that an outside influence made this decision. I had told him when he was wailing in the hallway on Thursday that he was not a bad boy, he needed someone who could help him, and we would figure it out, so he knew I had talked to someone at school.

    I'm really, really afraid now, tho, that since the "seal has been broken", so to speak, on the behavior, that it will be easily transfered onto the new para. Its almost a gut feeling...not quite, but almost. And we just can't afford that, but how does she "learn" him with absolutely no margin for error now? I don't even know where to start.

    He sees a therapist, same one for 4 years now. She's really good with him and is writing another recommendation for me to take on Monday. We are in pretty consistent email communication and he has seen her in the midst of all this.

    I'm going to start working on how in the world we can possibly exist if I quit work. That's a "gut feeling" now, too, that I just need to bite that bullet.