I don't know who I am anymore

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by T Rene', Jan 13, 2017.

  1. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    For the last 2 nights I have let my 28 yr old son sleep on my couch because he shows up to eat Then he has nowhere to go ... So I said as long as you leave in the morning when I do You can sleep ! Knowing if I leave him in my house while Im gone what will happen He will pilfer thru everythg,allow his buddies in & thats not alright. He has been down since he has been there But he is not clean . So last night same thg ... eat & I say Ok Son Where you heading!? So he plays the SICK card ... here we go again ! Im gonna let my stomach settle & head out ! WELL THIS MORNING 6am Still There Son time to go get your thgs & had to remind him again why He can't stay while Im gone to work ! SO EXPLOSION & Im Worthless!! And He Goes & lays on my Porch I FEEL LIKE THE WORST MOTHER & Dont even know Who I am anymore! I have gone to Al-Anon & I still cant understand ... Prayers plzzz
  2. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Oh my. That must be so tough. We love our children and it's excruciating to watch them and the choices they make. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are yourself. Your son is a grown man making horrible choices that include harming you by stealing and letting drug buddies in your house if you allow it. He also manipulates you. You absolutely need to protect yourself and your son is 28...he can choose a good path. He is too old for a mommy to take care of him while he steals from you and refuses to stop using drugs. You are not your son or what he does.
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  4. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank you
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Stay strong. I can't imagine how hard it is.

    I hate that our difficult children put us in the position to have to do things we hate to do because of their poor choices.

    Prayers for you both.
  6. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    T Rene, like others have said, stay strong and don't give in to your son's stories, telling you he is sick so that he can stay there and rifle through your belongings. I can hear the frustration in your post.

    You know this is not right.

    SWOT is right, he's a grown 28 yo MAN, not a child or a teenager.

    You wouldn't allow another adult to do these things in your home, but because he is your son, you give in. Everybody here understands that.

    But you are giving in at the expense of your own peace of mind, your own sense of safety. You should not have to live under these conditions in your own house.

    I'm so sorry for your struggle, hugs to you. Start by setting one firm boundary and stick to it, it will give you the confidence to set other boundaries. Your son needs you to do this, painful as it might be.
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  7. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I know that is so true... thank you:) Its been a terrible struggle for almost a year now
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    T Rene, you need to learn to set boundaries and stick to them. It took me two years of therapy to learn how to do that. Once I finally stopped enabling my daughter, she started to take care of herself.

    You aren't doing him any favors buy letting him manipulate you. Tell him he has to leave. Find a list of shelters if necessary.

    I don't say this lightly. I know how hard it is to do but if you don't do it this will go on for years. I remember reading a book called, "Don't let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and alcohol Addicted Children" by Charles Rubin and the author talked about a woman whose 50 year-old-son was still living with her using drugs and stealing from her. Do you want that to be you someday?

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  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Your not alone..when y o u cry, someone here is too...your frustration and your cries of WHY are screamed in unison.

    Some of us are in the beginning..middle ...at the end...or tragic close.

    But your not alone, a d you have the power , you just have to decide when to unleash it.

    Gentle hugs
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  10. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    No I don't at all ... thats the first time Ive let him stay in a long time ... then he wldnt leave :( What did you have to do ? Im at a loss , Do I not let him come around at all ? Im tryin to do this the right way because I know it will enable him if I do much :) ... thank you I can tell by the way you say this You have been where Im at
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not think we do our children any good to protect them from themselves, or shield them by denying the consequences of their behavior to us.

    To me, you are handling the situation with your son exactly correctly.

    Who created the consequence, that he is unwelcome unsupervised in your house? YOU? I don't think so....

    You are calling a spade a spade. He knows this. He is the one who brings in his homees. He is the one who ransacks your things.

    What he is doing, the drama queen, oh whoa is me, is manipulative and cruel. I might call him on it.

    My attitudes and choices with respect to you and your presence are a direct consequence of your behavior towards me. And equally important, your behavior towards yourself. To me, you are not remembering the values with which you were raised. Until you do I will respond according to the behavior you do exhibit. If you do not like it, change or leave. Your choice.

    A good mother is not defined as having a sunny disposition and uniformly saying yes to all things. A good mother is one who offers comfort when she can and holds the line when she cannot.

    Did your son depend upon you in his childhood only to feed him and to hold his hand and clean him up? No. He depended on you to tell him no, to lock the door, and to supervise him when he was playing on the street.

    Your son is forgetting (conveniently) your true and proper role. It is entirely fair for you to remind yourself to take heart, and to tell him the reality of things, as appropriate... if you feel it is safe to do so.

    He may be volatile and irresponsible so you may not want to voice the words. But you can think them.

    Hats off to you. Give yourself praise. Not criticism and second-guessing.
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    Last edited: Jan 14, 2017
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am writing to myself as much as to you:

    I need to NOT doubt myself or change my thinking about who I am based upon the reactions or behavior of my child.

    My effectiveness as a person is independent of his judgements or his choices. He is a separate adult now. I am not responsible for him or his choices.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    All of us have been where you're at. Many of us longer. Please...dont assume. Kathy lived a nightmare. Drugs are always a nightmare.

    If an adult child is dangerous to us or our other family, and stealing plus verbal abuse is dangerous if you put up with it, many chose to not allow adult kids in their home. And, on the other end of the spectrum, some let abusive adult kids live with them until they die, even if it never gets better, they gave up their own best golden years, and the adult is gobsmacked and helpless when he or she is finally alone. And the day wil2l come, sooner rather than later if they stress us sick.

    It is up to you what you want to tolerate and what you won't. Nobody can make that decision for you. I chose not to let daughter come back and this was good for her. She straightened out and tells me she may not have if she had not been told to leave.

    Hugs to you. Do what feels right
    If it feels wrong, it's wrong. You should not feel conflicted or else something unsettled you.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2017
  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    That is what I'm working on...thank you. I shed tears all the time...I just hope one day I can blink and be ok for me.
  15. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank You So very Much I was feelin very creul until you remind me of these things from childhood Mothering !!! You're exactly Right !!!! OH THANK YOU !!! Warm hugs to you
  16. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Today he threw a knife & stuck it in my house!!! He is out of control... I told him to leave & dont come back
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's dangerous. Change your locks. He is not safe while he is using drugs. You must take care of yourself and others in your family. Call the police if he won't leave. Get an order of protection so he can't cry over eviction. He is ramping it up.

    This is not cruelty. It is self defense for the rest of the family. It's what you have to do.

    Hugs and am so sorry.
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  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Did you see him do this or did somebody else see that it was him?

    I would really think through what my options are. Getting a restraining order, calling the police and making a report, come to my mind. I fear that telling him to leave is insufficient, given the nature of the threat. Believe me. He wanted to frighten you. I believe what he did was a crime.

    I would think through whether you want to stay at the house alone, if you are alone.
  19. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I seen him do it he did in front of me I thought it was gonna be thown at me but he threw it at my house
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What are you going to do?