I feel as if I'm at the end of my rope with H now...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Sep 26, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Okay we had our talk last week, it went better than expected. I KNEW that H would have a hard time with the next part - telling his mom NO to moving in with us and selling her on the idea of Independent/Assisted living. I get how difficult that is. I really do, having been there, done that.

    I asked him to call his mom last night - to check in with her as well as discuss her future living arrangements. He never said a word to her. She told him that his brother invited her to stay with him for two weeks in October. She told H she doesn't have any desire to spend two weeks with brother in law, but will consider joining him for Thanksgiving. So, what does H do? Does he try to convince his mom to go to visit his brother for two weeks so they can look around? Nope. Does he explain about the misunderstanding, that she will not be living with us? Nope. Does he tell her we're planning on visiting a few of those places? Nope.

    H tells her that we will join her in Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving! ****. I'm sorry to the moderators for that one.

    I CANNOT WAIT until next week's therapist appointment - H is coming with me and we are going to have it out. I should call and reserve two spots, not that they do that, but boy would that be nice. Exhausting, but good.

    I emailed my girlfriend and asked her if I could rent one of the rooms vacated by her college kids already. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I also want to call his brother and find out if HE said anything about the living arrangements (her idea of moving in with us) to his mom. And I'm going to suggest to H that he call his brother tonight to find out if it's OKAY that we even go for Thanksgiving. brother in law has a beagle mix and I am highly allergic to those dogs so a November winter visit is probably NOT a good idea for me.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending more hugs of support your way. Wish I could say that I expect husband to accept the opportunity to man up. I'm really hoping that I am wrong. Sadly I also think that if you move out he'll miss you but then invite his Mom to come share the house. Really, really hope I'm wrong. Fingers crossed that the appointment. helps. I am not confrontational by nature (unless circumstances require it to protect my family) but I am wondering whether it even makes sense to make Thanksgiving plans. If the dust hasn't settled soon then perhaps that trip will just be a stressor for you and another bonding time for husband and his Mom. It sure is complicated. I'm on your side....but sure wish there were no sides. DDD
  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    So sorry! Thinking of you and sending many hugs your way... SFR
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    What is it about some people - and I have to say people, not just men, though they seem to make up the majority - that they just cannot get up the nerve to say some difficult stuff?

    Yesterday I had to tell mother in law flat-out that she is BROKE and if she keeps spending like she is now, she will be living on the streets. We cannot afford to care for her like she did for her mother. Just ain't happening.

    Your H needs to get his cranium out of his rectum. He needs to work WITH you, not against you.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd like to say husband will tell his mom, that his brother will tell his mom.........But neither of them probably will.

    husband was supposed to talk to his mom about it, while his bro backed him up, with both us wives backing them up. In reality? I told mother in law, with sister in law backing me up, and the boys backing us wives up.

    Years of experience in the medical community, and this is the usual way it happens. Stinks. But guys seem to have a major issue with taking a stand with their moms, even for their own best interest.

    It didn't create a horrible situation here because both us wives knew we'd have to be the ones to do it, we'd just hoped our husbands would man up.....laughable.....so when they couldn't, we took over.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    I'm so sorry you have to be preparing for the worst, but am so glad that you are. No bluffs, just ultimatums. Stand your ground.

    My situation wasn't the same, but oh so many similarities that I'm starting to *twitch*. All I'll say is that you are on the right track and you should stay on it and NOT back down. I promise, if you start wavering, I'll come on here and lovingly, not so gently, urge you back on track.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Instead of working, lol, I've been thinking about this issue. I've analyzed it a bit because I have a daughter in law whom I don't like. Truth be told none of us liked her when they were dating, hoped they wouldn't get married, and our opinion has not changed in twentyfive years. She is not a horrible person. She is not an evil person. She is very territorial and although we have all tried (and still are consistently polite,by the way) her pesonality just does not jive with anyone in our rather large family. That's just the way it is.

    My easy child son used to be a delightful family member. Yes, he and I have always had a strong bond. He and husband and the siblings always enjoyed each other's company. When his wife is present we kinda get the impression that she sees us usurping her primary role. Lord knows we try to be inclusive.

    The point of this long post is this. If, particularly as a senior citizen, I had to be informed of something sad, frightening or disappointing I would want my son to be the one telling me the news. If I believed his wife was behind the news...I would not accept it. SO if he said "wife and I have discussed this and we don't believe sharing a home is a good idea"...I would immediately think that his wife was the mastermind. on the other hand if he said sincerely "Mom I have rethinking the idea of sharing a home and I honestly don't think it would be a good choice for you. You need to have activity and friends available so you can enjoy your life. It was a bit selfish of me to suggest or agree to combining households. Of course I want to see you often because I love you but after so many years living separate lives I think it is best we be near each other but not in the same house."

    IF your husband could understand the importance of him sharing his feelings with his Mom...maybe she would see that it was an ill convieved idea. on the other hand if your husband doesn't really believe that the plan is not in her best interests or your interests as a couple then I don't see it happening. Like your mother in law I "know" when my son is telling the truth. He could convince me. I hope your husband can do it. DDD
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    DDD, what you say is true. I completely agree, which is why I discussed how important it is for HER, as well as us. And I want it to come from him, brother in law or sister in law-not me. I'm trying to be patient. mother in law is in the 'let's get everything settled" stage and my fear is that the more time that passes with her believing she's coming to live with us, the more devastating it will be when that does not happen. H practices 'avoidance' behavior when he's faced with a highly emotional situation.

    I left work, being there in tears does no one any good and only makes me look like a basket case. My knee has been HORRIBLE and I know it's related to all the movement I did for my moms b'day party as well as the weather. It's like having a migraine in my knee joint, no other way I can think of to help people understand the magnitude of this knee pain. Add into it the BS with h and his family, I'm over the edge.

    I truly just wish I could check out. Thanks for listening to me lament about this situation again with you all, your support means a lot.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are in pain today. That combined with anxiety is hard. I'm sure you get the difference and know where the info comes from is paramount. If I were you though I would try to explore whether he believes it or not. If he doesn't believe it and feels like he is being manipulated it won't work well and, sadly, may change your life radically. Sending hugs. DDD
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD, you worded that post so wonderfully! I never want to live with any of my kids...lord help me...lol. Tony on the other hand, is convinced we are going to go live with Jamie. He can go alone. Jamie wants us too. I am sure its Jamie alone too. LOL. Well, Billie may be okay with Tony but I doubt I am included. I am just fine with a nice nursing home.

    This issue is something that is so hard on families. Is your H the youngest son by chance?
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just this month, Janet, I was a bit shocked. My sister and her husband have their home on the market and plan to move to SC once it sells. Their son, and favorite adult child, lives there with his family. I knew that was their plan......but....the shocker was that their son didn't know that they planned to move there. OMG. I had the hardest time keeping my mouth shut when she told me that. They are not close to his wife although she has been an extremely gracious hostess when they visited. Yikes, I bet she is in a quandry! They are both in decent health but at 77 who knows for how long. DDD
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jo, arg, what a situation. Your husband is certainly into avoidance. I know the feeling, but I'm glad we didn't have to go through what you went through.
    I agree with-your backup plan. He needs to respect his marriage, first and foremost. If not, too bad.
    I agree with-DDD. Very good insight.
    Fingers crossed for the weeks ahead.
    And for the therapy session. Go for it!
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My H had a younger brother who was killed at 14 in an accident, he was H's best friend. He is not really close with his older brother. brother in law has told me that H is the apple of his mothers eye, always has been. Lucky me.

    H received a letter from both (each) his mother and his sister today. I don't give a rats ass what his mother has to say, but I'd sure love to open the sister's letter, lol, but I don't open other people's mail.

    Today I considered if I was gone, you know, g.o.n.e. But then I thought of my girls and well, I'd never do anything, but it's kind of a free feeling to fantasize about it, isn't it? Not the actually doing it, but the checking out part, without all the drama and BS and sadness, guilt and anger. To just be alone for a little while in this sort of purgatory, at peace for a little bit.

    Anyway, thanks again.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    H&R I think many of us have had "escapist" thoughts. Sometimes reality is really hard to digest. Every now and then someone expresses those thoughts and I pray that they have someone to turn to. You, on the other hand, I know have the guts and stamina to weather the storm. I really am sorry that you have to go through this...but life is difficult and members of our Board family figure out how to suck it up and go on. Sending huge understand hugs of support. DDD
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    HNR -

    I think your husband needs to kick off his Momma's boy sissy pants, buck up, put on his man pants and tell his Mother what's up before his wife leaves him - unless that's what he's really bucking for - To have Mommy come live with him and take care of him again. (sorry just calling a spade a spade)

    And D3 put it a lot nicer that I would or will or ever could.........it IS his responsibility. I even get angry when DF asks me to buy his Mom her birthday card....I get livid literally -----about that. Can't imagine how this would ever fly in my home. (lead balloon)

    Best of luck dear and hope you find some relief with your knee - (go to a druggist and ask them to order you some spray called STOP PAIN) it's phenominal. Smells just a tad, not too bad but it's a life saver.
  16. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Jo! Sorry that all this is going on...imagine this: you're sitting on a beach with a fruity alcoholic beverage with a little umbrella on top, your knee is being massaged by Sven the Nordic massage therapist, money is no object, there's a cool breeze blowing off the beach, and you're reading that 400 page novel IN LARGE PRINT relaxing and enjoying.

    Now...imagine THIS: husband running the vacuum with one hand, wearing an apron and a babushka on his head, with a mop in his other hand and a Fleet enema for mother in law in his pocket.

    Feel better?

    Hugs for you kiddo...you'll get through this, AND although I have a black lab and Furb the blind shi tzu, you can have husband drop you here for Thanksgiving on the way by!

  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having to cope with all of this on top of your knee pain. The idea of having a migraine in my knee makes me shudder. I would probably fantasize about cutting it off, as often when a migraine is at it's worst I just want to cut out that part of my head. I wish there was something, anything, that I could do to make your knee feel better.

    From what I know of your husband, I honestly think Star may have hit the nail on the head. He may be wanting mommy to move in so she can cater to him the way you will not.

    Issues like this are so hard for a family to negotiate. I hope H will man up and do what needs to be done. If he wants his mom to live a long, healthy life he will get her into an assisted living facility - my gma lived at least an extra decade because she was in one. The social activities were a big part of it, but so was having meals prepared to fit dietary needs and available every mealtime every day, and having someone to help organize medications and to see that they were taken on time, and help wiht personal care issues that a mother mostly would NOT want her son to handle.

    I hope that you can get H to think about how he would handle those needs alone, because if his mom moves in you are leaving - if that is how you feel, make sure that he is aware of it. THe elderly often need help with bathroom issues and I know my gmas would NEVER have let their sons help wtih ANY of them.

    Whatever you work out, you have my support!
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, the bathroom and shower issues are one of the main reasons I am shuddering at the mere thought of any of my kids taking care of me. Already I have problems with getting in and out of a bathtub safely so I will only do it when Tony is home. I go to the salon to get my hair washed each week. They have offered me a deal because I am disabled so all they do is wash it and I just let it towel dry. I fell the other night in the bathtub and I cannot imagine what that would be like with just my kids around. No way.

    Thats another thing your H has to think about. How is he going to do all this with his mother? You arent going to be physically able to do it and is he going to want to do it or is she going to want him to? Is your house even built to accommodate certain things like a chair in a shower or a bathtub or a wheelchair through doorways should it come to that?
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet makes good points.

    husband had hinted strongly that he wanted mother in law to come and live with us when it became too much for her to live at home. While getting along with mother in law was never an issue, the rest was. I was in school full time, so who would actually be there watching her? Our house had about the same floor plan as hers and the doors were too narrow for a wheelchair (even her small one) which she needed as the walker was no longer working. Then of course there were the pets. Bruce would not have left her alone for a minute and I could see him tripping her......he trips me. Betsy is a tad over affectionate and she adored mother in law and I knew she'd jump on her.

    Just would not have worked. And I had to use those reasons to drive it home to husband. But in the end, I still had to be the one to tell her. ugh
  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks for all your responses. I have an appointment with my reg dr tomorrow AM to discuss a different pain medication for my knee at nighttime as well as a new antidepressant. Oy, I don't want to start anything else, since I just tapered off the wellbutrin, but with all this added stress, I need something. I can't sit at my desk bawling all day.

    Thanks again for listening and the support. I am in a bad place and feeling very overwhelmed and it helps greatly.