I feel like crlying and screaming at the same time.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rejectedmom, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am keeping a brave face and trying hard to not let my son know. I just got a call from my daughter who was supposed to have christmas day at her house. She informed me that easy child/difficult child is not invited. I told her that we would not be there that we were not going to leave him home alone. I feel like crying but he will see me.

    I am so annoyed with her she is such a selfish indivitual. Thiseis my second daughter the narcissist not my head injured daughter. Really she has given me no support in all this and just keeps saying that she wants nothing to do with him because he pushed her away from him while in a delusion last year. He cannot be touched without a warnng and has been like this since he was about 6 years old so it is not new. She just went right up to him and tried to kiss him and starled him in the process. We were at a wedding and he was on stimulation overload and she knows that but she is holding this against him. She claims she has PSDT though has not been diagnosis or seen a doctor. She says it is from all the times she has provoked ex boyfriends and her now inlaws into hitting her. The thing is her brother has never hit her (although she had beat up on him his entire childhood) he just pushed her away. She uses her baby as an excuse for this ungenerous and self-centered behavior. Says she cannot put him in harms way shoud easy child/difficult child get violent. She has no basis for this statement as he never has been violent and walks away from all confrontation even when he should stand his ground.

    The other thing that does not hold up iin her reasoning is that she says she will be here for Christmas eve. If she is afraid he will get violent why is she ok with comming here? I think she just doesn't want to clean and prepare for guests. Her hubbie does all the cooking so she only has to straighten up but most likely that is too much for her because she is lazy and selfish.

    As a result she is making his homecomming after 6 weks in the hospital all about her instead of being compassionate and forgiving. Honestly I'm not surprised. She can be a real bioche but I am disappointed and sad anyway. Now I have to figure out how to make Christmas day special at a very short notice.
  2. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. ((hugs)) Our family has a lot of "issues" too and the Holidays can be hard.

    No advice, just more ((hugs))
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    You might want to remind her that he WILL be at your house for Christmas Eve so she might not want to come. "I would HATE for something to happen to your baby!" She will surely backpedal and come up with an excuse which you can also catch her in. She will tangled up in her own lies. Are you sure you want to continue calling her "easy child"?

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this koi. We are having similar issues with my family. What ever happened to Christmas Spirit? Sending some patience and supportive {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} your way. Merry Christmas sweetie.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs your way. I'm sorry. Family can really mess up heads. DDD
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    so hurtful. It sounds like easy child 2 is not easy child .... sorry but it sounds like she has some delusions herself if she is imagining things that have never really happened. How young is the baby? Could she be having a post partum issue that is compounded by her already narcissistic personality? I think the more important thing here is to protect easy child/difficult child from her. Turn this around, she is the aggressor and he needs to be supported by the family from her attitude. I would make it very clear to her if she is coming to your home that not ONE unkind word will be allowed. She did you a favor because he is probably too fragile to handle any kind of rejection or scene from her and I think a great Christmas movie day for a present and then a family game night would be about the most precious Christmas ever. You can rent dvd's too if going out is too overwhelming.

    Enjoy your reunion and blessings to you and him this Christmas home with you.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, RM. Many hugs.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm so sorry she is doing this to you and expecting you to make a choice between your kids. The holidays can be hard and she is making is harder than it needs to be.

    I agree with Tedo and remind her that her brother will be at your house on Christmas Eve and that you have no intention of telling him that he needs to leave and see what she says. It's sad that it's all about her and not about the family being together for the holiday.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have typed a very long reply here twice only to have it lost in cyberspace. so briefly this time...My grandson is 3 so no PPD is involved. My daughter is not a easy child but we have had a relatively peaceful relationship for over a year so I listed her as a easy child. I will have to change that LOL. She will be from here on out once again difficult child#1. Some of the old timers on this board will remember her. Indeed she was no picnic to raise and maintaining a calm and reasonable relationship with her as an adult is a trial. I am managing but it is hard. I do it for my grandson who she will deny me visitation with if I come down hard on her. To be clear I do not allow manipulation I merely do not engage in her tiffs. I have to watch my words and my reactions. Thankfully it is easier over the phone. When she called she said "I just wanted to know if you and dad were comming for Christmas since (brother) is home" I replied "are you saying that he is not invited?"( She had been ranting over him for weeks now). She replied "pretty much" to which I said well then we won't be comming I'll see you here at 5:30 Christmas Eve" She replied "OK" I then said "bye" and hung up before she could get anymore toxic stuff said. Of course I whispered some not so nice stuff to myself about her after I hug up. But hey I'm human too.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that she is acting like such a...not nice person. It is so hard when families don't even try to understand one another or give support. I can empathize because our dynamics have always been difficult too. All I can say is I wish you a Merry Christmas...and enjoy a relaxing day. Your daughter didn't change...she was always like this...so maybe try to think of this as *normal* for her and just plan to do other things on Christmas. I have had to do that a lot. Often I just want the holiday to be over.

    Hugs and take care.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I get that. YOu did the best you could at the moment not to make it worse, and I would be devatated if I didn't see my family on Christmas, I love to see the kids and so thinking of changing things so much and not taking a risk at all would mean I have to be punished and miss all I love about the holiday. You want to see the grand kids and that is really important for sure. You sound like you stayed really cool and I might have been more passive agressive since that is such a sensitive spot to be in to have your child who is ill not be included unconditionally. My heart goes out to you.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear. She certainly has enough issues of her own.
    I can understand your being upset.
    I guess I would keep open the invite to your house, so you don't lower yourself to her level, so to speak, and just do your best to ignore her comments and attitude about difficult child and Christmas Day. It's going to be a new world for all of you, juggling your new roles.

    The worst seems to come out of families at this time of year ...
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I was up all night thinking about this and am now not sure I should have anyone over on Christmas eve. I will be busy with getting dinner out and so who will be the buffer between difficult child#1 and easy child/difficult child? easy child daughter will most likely have a migraine due to the fact that her mother in law decided that they have to come to her place first. So my head injured daughter will already have reached her limit before she gets here and be of no assistance. husband is not good at heading things off at the pass so to speak. He ignores things till he can't anymore then he usually says something that doesn't help. I do want to see the grandkids but am not sure this is worth the stress and uncertainty. husband is not happy that I want to cancel but did say he would support me if that is what I want to do. I'm sitting here looking at the pile of medication my son has to take. He is compliant and so very much want things to be normal. He is wiped out most of the time but still plesant and kind. I have no fears that he will not act appropriately but I don't trust my difficult child#1 daughter not to act pissy. I will think on this some more but I am truly so exhausted I am not sure I can put myself out with such uncertain results.
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Family and siblings are complicated. It's hard to not be protective of the most vulnerable child and it's hard to accept that siblings don't always want a difficult child sibling. All I ask of my son's is that they be polite. difficult child adores his younger brother but is an overwhelming personality. easy child keeps a distance. He stills remembers the adolescent he** years of 11 through 15. I ask that he get past it but easy child will do what he will do.
    On the other hand, easy child can not expect me to throw away a child regardless of behavior done in the past. He is my child just as easy child is. I try to have easy child on his own with us before difficult child gets here so that easy child doesn't always feel he is second in attention.
    I would just prepare difficult child of what to expect and what you expect him to do when things are too much. Give him the choice of a safe place or to come into the kitchen with you when he is getting aggitated.
    Have your holiday. See your grandchildren. Don't let difficult child behavior overshadow what you want for the holidays or negative behavior wins. Do what you want and if easy child/difficult child starts to focus on difficult child, then intervene. She can stop her aggravation, go into another room or head home. You shouldn't have to be stressed when you should be able to enjoy the kids.
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I wish I had more words of advice - but please know that I am praying/thinking of you and your family - and sending you the most positive and peaceful thoughts.
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Daisyface, You make alot of sence and I actually did just that/ I spoke to easy child/difficult child and told him that his sister still has issues with him pushing her las year. He remembered the incident. I gave him alternatives if things get tense and he said OK. Of course I will not rest easy till the evening is behind me or difficult child#1 has gone home but I do deserve a Christmas celebration with my grands. So I am taking a deep breath and getting on with the preparations. I asked easy child to come over with her kids an hour earlier that difficult child#1 that will give us some relaxing visitation with her family. easy child/difficult child has not seen them in months.

    Thank you everyone for all your support. It is truly appreciated. I will post tomorrow and let you know how it went.