I finally threw her out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by RPmom, Dec 19, 2018.

  1. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    This is my first post and I am so glad to have found this group. I have just started reading some of the stories and they are all part of my story. I want to give a little background because I hope to post to regularly because I need you.

    I have a 27-year-old daughter who I love with all my heart. But since the age of 15 she has been nothing but heartache to me. I recognize that there are two sides to the story and certainly bear responsibility. Her father and I were in a terrible marriage when she was born, I was a workaholic, he didn’t work, we both did back then, there was a lot of fighting and dysfunction. We were divorced within two years and moved to another town where I was still a workaholic but no longer use drugs and started drinking. By this time she was three years old. I had two DWIs which led us to move back in with my parents who were wonderful people.
    We lived with my mother and father in a beautiful large home on lakefront property. They raised her while I continued to be a workaholic. I would return home exhausted every night at 7 PM and reluctantly throw her in the bath or read her a story. And grab a glass of wine. But my mom and dad did everything for her while I was at work during the day. My dad would be the school class dad. My mom took her to the library and swimming. She went to nursery school in kindergarten. She had a best friend next-door to she played with every day. We took great vacations like Disney cruises in Disneyland every year.

    When she was in six grade I move 30 minutes away from my parents home to a beautiful house and neighborhood with the best schools but she never adapted. I continue to work all the time and she would be an afterschool programs until I could pick her up. She started wearing black clothes all the time. In eighth grade she took a knife to school and threatened to cut another student. We started a cycle of seeing therapist. She stayed with my parents on weekends and they were still intimately involved in our lives. At some point She was placed in a mental hospital for a valuation she stayed about a week and I still don’t know what the outcome of that was except they kind of said she was fine. But she wasn’t.

    On the night that my mother had her first stroke my daughter met a 14-year-old completely dysfunctional boy. Everything went to hell after that. I’m sure she was scared and grieving about her grandmother but her life begin spinning out of control and she begin running away just nearby in the neighborhood at other peoples houses, to the mall, stopped going to school. Getting in trouble with the law. We sent her two different behavioral programs all of which were horrific basically. She felt more bad boys.

    The constant running away and the change in her behavior caused me so much distress I could barely function. I cried for years. After numerous programs she went to a boarding school where she stayed for six months and graduated.

    We had a large college fund much which of been depleted because of all of the programs and therapy but she got into college. She never went to class so that didn’t happen. We tried signing her up that a beautician school which cost another $11,000 but she never went to class. They still gave her her certification. By now she was in her 20s.

    She was living with me. I was still a workaholic and now in alcoholic. She would have boyfriends that lives with us and then they would go and another boyfriend with a live with it with us. I just went to work drink cried and was essentially useless and victimized.

    She became a dick did to over-the-counter Robitussin. She was sent to rehab they had never heard of that they did not know how to treat her she did very well and rehab in California and came back after about 45 days. She looked great. But then she started using all kinds of drugs that she had learned about in rehab.

    My dad, trying to do the bass, got her a nice apartment which she trashed and I would have to go there daily in order to confiscate all of the pills the bottles whatever it is that they do where they snuff chemicals that belong under your bathroom sink. We went to the hospital a lot. She overdosed a lot. I was cracking up. I cried every day. We are running out of money.

    She has always been a compulsive liar and now she was a thief. She stole my jewelry she stole my money she stole my iPad to her three time, she stole anything she can get her hands on. She lied. Luckily she was so high I would often find the pawn stubs and I could pay to go get my own property out.

    We bought her a car when she graduated from high school and she totaled it in a one car accident when she was clearly hi. Because were stupid we bought her another brand new car a few months later which she wrecked about four times. Two or three times she didn’t even remember writing it. The last time she was involved in a very serious accident after we had compensated the car and there were numerous injuries. Funnily enough the drug test came out clean. She had another DUI so she pled to one of them and Got off on the other one. She has been caught and arrested several times for theft. Of course I paid for all these lawyers and all the fines And the fees. On the second DUI, the one she was cleared up, I left her in jail for about 10 days.

    She has never worked. She says she has but she lies. In the last two years she has matured a little bit and she is sometimes nice and she sometimes almost seems like a real human being. I think she has been trying.

    My dad died last year. He was sick in bed in our house for five days and in those five days she still $10,000 from his bank account. Because he died I had to pay the money back to the estate to my brother and sister. This was her grandfather who she claim to love with all her heart.

    She continued to live with me not working not doing anything sometimes using I suspect she stays up all night she sleeps all day she doesn’t do anything. Sometimes that’s good.

    Last Friday I had to go to the dentist for some dental work and my mouth was blowing up in my face was swollen. I asked her to go to the drugstore to get the antibiotics and gave her my debit card. I see all the charges on my phone and I watched as she racked up chargers at four different grocery stores for a total of $300. When she got home and I made her show me the receipts about 160 was for cash which rolls. My medicine cost two dollars. I completely lost my mind and told her and her latest boyfriend, who is of course a felon on probation, to get out of my house. Actually I told them to clean their scummy room and the garage where they leave cigarette butts and about 4 feet of clothes all over the floor but they refused to do that for three days because they were asleep or knocked out. I was at my wits end I was so mad that she stole money from me when I was sick but she had been stealing money from me for all these years. I guess I just had it. I lost my temper I went crazy I literally chased him out of the house.

    She is calm cool and collected as usual. She never relax. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t feel. She may pretend to be sorry but it’s the only part of her manipulation. They have a $600 car but the transmission doesn’t work which is why she was stealing the money I think.

    I know I enable her. I know my addiction and my own problems were part of her problem. I guess the way she turned out it was my fault but I think it was her fault too. She had a wonderful loving family and we all tried. She could’ve had such a different life. I don’t know where she is now. It’s only been a few days so I know she’s OK. She’s either sleeping in their car or at somebody’s house or at a cheap hotel. She will return trying to manipulate me. I hope I can remain strong. I am 57 years old and I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this. I want to relationship with my daughter that is honest and true. I don’t want her to live in poverty or on the streets or to die. But she is a grown-up and these are her choices.

    I am sure I will be posting as I go from being numb to being scared. Thank you for letting me share.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am tired but will give a little .02. its all just my own feedback. I am sorry you are distressed but in my opinion you MUST make severe changes toward this daughter or your fears will come true. These are my thoughts...take what you want from them. It cant keep going on like this even if you dont like MY ideas. You will need to change everything to get any change. Change changes. Firstly, for the love of God NEVER let a boyfriend stay in your house. Ever! Never! Double never! Not only is it disrespectful and an extra person but you dont know him from Adam. He could be a serial killer or rob you blind. Tell daughter NO! Dont be afraid of her.

    in my opinion you tried too hard to make up for what you felt were your own transgressions. I would cut out the Bank of Mom. Your not at all young daughter is very, very entitled, selfish, spoiled, a theif and an addict.

    And she doesnt seem to care about anyone but herself! In spite of her troubles as a child, she is grown now and this is not acceptable.

    You have to change or she will not. It wont be easy.

    Cut her off. The money, the toys, the stuff. Stop it now. That HURTS her growth and empathy.

    She never should have had one new car let along two after that accident. She could have killed or been killed.

    My kids had no cars until they bought them and never did we throw money at them. Two got into some trouble, but not like your daughter and none of my four kids are entitled or spoiled and they work hard. We would never support adults, even our own beloved children.

    We do them harm when we take care of them as if they are children. It plain just makes them expect to be eternal babies. Nobody should buy a house, condo etc. for an adult child. They need a reason to work and feel a sense of accomplisment. Or not. Their life. Their choice.

    We cant rescue them as you see. The more you give them, the less adult they become and more like spoiled ten year olds. They start to think that they cant do anything adult like, that you have to remain a Mommyand wash their clothes! A 13 year old needs a mommy. A 27 year old should be independent of her Mother (and have no Mommy). My kids are all independent with no help from us and one has autism but we taught him to do for himself.

    Again this is just my opinion and what worked well for me. I was also not a perfect parent. Nobody is. But i refused to support my grown adult kids and they thrived partly because they knew the free life would never happen.They are all doing well. Autistic son lives alone and only requires minimal community help. If he can do this your daughter can.

    As for you, ma'am, you matter too. It is time to stop enabling daughter and take care of YOU. You need to slow down, stop the workaholic addiction, relax, find peace and quit drinking in a good program. Parents do our kids no good getting sick over them and not caring for ourselves.

    I hope you can maybe get into therapy or rehab to help you quit drinking and cope with life better (including your daughter,) and learn to love yourself and detach from your daughter who at her age should be self sufficient and wont be if you dont force it by backing off. Even though she will through toddler tantrums. She also needs to learn empathy for others. Stealing after her dear grsndpa died,?

    We would have called the cops. For real. My kids know so they never really broke the law. Stealing is serious.

    Stop blaming yourself. Your 27 year old daughter is a grown woman and can get therapy herself and grow up. She is not the only person who had some problems wit parents when young yet most of them learn to adult anyway.

    Beautiful houses and material luxuries do not make anyone happy. Achievement and pride in themselves make people feel good inside even if they live in their own small, not so gorgeous place. Dont place too much worth on all the goodies that were handed her. What has she accomplished on her own? She needs to accomplish on her own.

    You may never have the relationship you want with her. To be blunt, and Im sorry, but she isnt very nice. It would be quite a change for her to suddenly have her turn kind. She has so far to go.ar Therapy would be great for her too.

    Love and light! God bless!
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    Last edited: Dec 19, 2018
  3. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    You are awesome. You are exactly why I posted. Can you come live with me? No I mean it, thank you for your wonderful advice and for responding.
  4. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    It sounds to me like you both need to be in rehab and in therapy both together and separately.
    You are an addict enabler and an substance abuser yourself.
    You haven't ever actually parented. You thought buying her things would make things better. It doesn't. You can't buy love or respect.
    I agree with SWOT, boyfriends/ significant others do not move into you home. Dating is- go out together- come home go separate ways, co-habituating means getting their own place together. Not parents home.
  5. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Awe I feel for you cause I was not the perfect mom. I was young having a baby. We grew up together. Lord I made mistakes. Id drink, work lived with an abusive dad to my three boys. Boy did I ever felt guilty and did the blame game for my 29 year old sons addiction for at least 10 years. Until this last few years I started reaching out mainly on this website reading stories and learning from other parents to learn to take care of me. To stop enabling and living their circus full of drama. To start setting boundaries building my sanctuary loving my own company. I've been told time again we moms cant enable or we will love them to death. To their own grave if we dont cut them off and let them figure their circus.
    I literally had to have no contact no calls texts or visits until I was strong enough to keep my boundaries to a full throttle. I've called the police 4 times for trespassing. Bought expensive cameras so I get alerted when he showed up on my property. I had to do this for about a year and half. I've been dealing with this constant drugging from my son for at least 8 years. Hes been homeless all that time. Until a few weeks before Thanksgiving he had the humbleness to want to get sober. I believe him this time so I let him sleep on the couch. All was good until a few days I found myself posting on here devastated. He had relapsed.
    I decided I'm done hes out homeless sleeping in his car. My sanctuary is mine. Hes circus his addiction his sobriety not mine. I will love him from a far and not ask questions or give advice. I had offered resources for free rehabs, shelters, sober living, work programs. It's up to him.
    I get your pain and heart full tears. Pl lease let her go and live your life. Build boundaries.set a phone reminder to go off every day to remind yourself of the boundaries. It's tough and it sucks but it gets easy. Prayers sent.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Educate yourself on boundaries and enabling. Learn to put your focus on yourself and getting healthy and peaceful. There are times I have to have no contact with my daughter. Currently it's usually only a day or two. In the past it has been for months at a time because she was such a mess. I had to turn my phones off just to get her to stop calling, especially when I first started setting boundaries. When you set boundaries with these adult kids who have never had any they up the ante and their behavior gets worse before it gets better. That's OK- they can be as crazy as they want, just disconnect and don't let it affect you. Don't bail her out, don't give her money, don't give her a place to live. You can love her without enabling her bad behavior. I always tell my daughter- I will do anything to help you get well. I will do nothing that helps keep you sick. My baseline for determining enabling is: doing something for an adult that they are capable of doing for themselves. I know how difficult this is. Sending peace your way.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Go to AlAnon...for you, not for her. Read the letter on detachment, that you can find in the Parent Emeritus forum. It's always near the top. Read it every day for a month.

    You are too old to live this way for your remaining years. You deserve a home that is your safe place. If she stole from you recently report it. And report it in the future each and every time,

    I'm older than you are, and sometimes I have to pull up my granny panties and say, enough is enough. I refuse to waste the rest of my life enabling another adult.

  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi RP,

    Welcome to our little corner of the world.

    You sure have been through quite a bit. You have owned your part and that is a good thing.

    Again, you have owned your part. You know you enable her and that is a huge thing to acknowledge. That is a step in the right direction.
    Please don't be too hard on yourself. The way your daughter turned out is not totally on you. There are many parents here who raised their kids in a loving stable home and 2 of their kids turned out great and the 1 turned to drugs and crime.
    There is no guarantee on how our kids will turn out.
    Regardless of how your daughter was raised, she is an adult now. The choices she makes are hers and hers alone. You did the best you could and your parents also did the best they could.

    The rest of your life should be lived for yourself. Your daughter is going to live her life the way she wants without any regard to you. The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to detach with love. Of course you will always love your daughter but you are not and should not be responsible for her.

    I'm glad you are here. Stay around and keep reading. You will gain much advice and strength.

    ((HUGS)) to you.........................
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  9. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    So since I’m new to this site I’m not sure how to do things. I want to ride in and update regularly as I work through this initial. After throwing my daughter out. Do I just reply on my own thread or do I start a new thread every time I want to update? I know it’s important for me to keep communicating especially in the next few weeks and months or I will just drop off. I need the support and want to be sure I am doing It right so that I get some feedback.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My advice is to just start a new thread.
  11. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I hope you do stay with us and update.
    You can also put a little timeline in your signature and who-the involved people are. That way people who didn't see your original post will be able to see the history.

    I just updated mine a couple of days ago.

    Good luck. Stand strong. I feel it is especially hard this time of year.
  12. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    I am feeling a bit of euphoria- kind of like an alcoholic pink cloud. We have talked on the phone so I know she is OK and she is so resilient and completely oblivious; but the last few nights in my own home without her and her boyfriend sleeping all day staying up all night, trashing my house, eating my food, making me feel uncomfortable in my own space has just been such a relief. I have felt victimized for at least 10 to 15 years and for the last three days I feel strong. I called her today about what to do with the rest of her stuff because her room looks like a trash dump with clothes, class is full of rank stale solid milk, he just wouldn’t believe it. Well he probably would. She agreed that I could just box it all up and put it in the attic because she knows she doesn’t need it because it is all trash. It wasn’t a bad conversation. She is clueless. I don’t really want to clean her disgusting filthy room but I am so excited to tear down all of their hand made posters and things that they 12 or 13-year-old would have on their wall, clean out just the trash, pack it up and for Christmas I am going to paint the room redecorate my new bedding and do whatever I want with my new room. I just know that for every app there is a down and I know that right now I am artificially excited but as it gets colder and I worry about her not having a place to live I will become vulnerable and that is why I have to post and I have to rely on people Like you have been through this and have more experience. I really want to live my life. I want some joy before I die. And I want her to have joy to but for right now it’s so nice not having these criminals in my house.
  13. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    That is exactly what I did to my son's room. It is now a guest room. The room smelled. He also slept all day. His room was a dump. A month after we moved him out we painted the entire upstairs then tore up all the carpet in the house and had it all redone.
    I think it was really good for me to remake the rooms. That way when I went up there I didn't see it as "his room" anymore. Plus It made me NOT want him to move back in Because now my house is all nice and clean and made over. I don't want all the money we put into it to end up being a waste.
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  14. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Welcome. You’ve gotten great advice. I see you’ve already started doing one of the things I was going to suggest...pack up her things, store some, throw out anything gross , and clean up/ tidy up and make your home not only neat...but pretty and custom to your liking.

    Very generally...general thoughts
    1. Visit a Parents Aonymous Support group
    2. Get counseling for yourself
    3. Don’t give your daughter any money
    4. If you can afford it and by some miracle she wants it, you might agree to pay for her to get some therapy or see a psychiatrist...but then only pay for those services directly.
    5. You can give her a gift card to the Local food store chain if you suspect she is going without Food. Or as gifts for the holidays. You can also find out how she can get food stamps if she hasn’t done this already.
    Note: don’t do 4 or 5 if she is rude or abusive to you
    6. I agree, never ever let a boyfriend stay in the house and I would probably not let her stay either. Those days are over.
    7. Limit your conversations with her. She sounds like what a friend calls a “soul sucker” if she is abusive to you, block her calls for a period of time...like a week or more depending.
  15. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    thank you. I need to read this more than once. Number four has always been on the table and will always be on the table. The last therapist released her because she missed three appointments in a row. But I will always pay for Her to get real help if she is willing. She actually loves therapy she just can’t seem to be consistent and I think she likes the attention the therapist gives her more than she learns from any advice.
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi RPMom. Welcome.

    I felt very sad reading your story. Until I caught myself and realized your daughter had the love and devotion and care of three parents.

    Her story is not over! She can very likely awaken and begin to live in another way. In what you describe I read nothing at all that she cannot change.

    I see real growth on your part.

    You know now that her changing has not one thing to do with you, with what you do.

    You know that changing for you is to put yourself, your well being, your health and serenity at the center of your life.

    You know that there is not one perfect parent nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be.

    Nor has there been a perfect life. Life is for learning. All of us, each of us, looks in the mirror and sees a failure. We take measure and do better. Or not. In this sense, nobody has a different life. Not you. Me. Our kids. Obama or Trump.

    This is very exciting, this moment in your lives. Your daughter has a real chance to take responsibility for her situation. Little by little. As you turn towards your own story.

    Right now the impetus is for you to center in your own needs.

    I push and push with my son, and I wear myself out. It does nothing to change or move him. I know this. I can't help myself, sadly. They will or will not change themselves. But we can change us.

    I am glad you are here.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2018
  17. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    Thank you for giving me hope. The advice I have been receiving here is life-changing for me and I hope it is for her.
  18. Naina

    Naina New Member

    Welcome RPmom! I have read through your thread. Your story resonates with me. The responses from the other members are right on. I just want to put in my 2 cents worth. In your original post I felt as though you were blaiming yourself for your daughter's outcome. Let me warn you about that. She may have very well been the same with a perfect home. My 35 y/o daughter came from a nuclear family with a stay at home mom. I was so involved in her treatment and care as a teenager, I went as far as shadowing her in high school. I faught for her, advocated for her. My life evolved around that child. Today she has a diagnosis and is at times such a handful, that i just want to run away.

    Please be careful blaiming yourself. The outcome may have been the same even if you lived the perfect life.
  19. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    I have done a lot of contemplation on that. It is interesting that my mother and father, neither of whom were alcoholics or addicts, but both who had alcoholic parents had three children. My brother and sister both drink socially and normally and have not ever had any serious problems in their lives, though I am not trying to make them out as perfect. I Ken say they never had any trouble with the law and have had successful lives without the kind of troubles that I have faced. I got involved with drugs and alcohol at a very young age. My saving grace was not just my parents -who really had no idea of how much trouble I was in or getting into, but that I loved school. I began working at age 15 - certainly not because I had to point - but I got so much pride from working hard And from accomplishing my goals. I graduated from high school, college in 3 1/2 years and had further education, leading to a successful, Though all consuming career. Like me, my dad worked hard for a living and wasn’t around much but that was pretty typical when I grow up. I worked very very hard as the sole provider (other than my parents Who are certainly my daughters primary care takers when she was young ) thinking I was doing the right thing right thing and setting the right example for her. I acknowledge fully that some of the things I did were very damaging to her ( working too hard, drinking, misplaced priorities, depression) and also that I allowed her to do things that were very damaging to both of us and to my family. The member who said I didn’t ever parent was correct. But I do not accept all of the blame. I certainly did not raise my daughter to be a liar or a thief. That is on her and her alone. Thank you for caring.
  20. RPmom

    RPmom New Member

    As soon as I wrote that final sentence the thought dawned on me that while I have did not encourage her to be a liar or thief, I know that children of alcoholics tend to have these kind of problems because of the deceit that they deal with in their lives and I am not ignorant of the fact now. But more importantly, I never let her deal with the consequences of her lying and stealing. I stole one time and one time only from the babysitter when I was very young, around four. I think it was a ring and I hid it in a drawer and showed my mom or dad “oh look what I found.” I was immediately taken to the babysitter where I had to apologize for my actions. I was so ashamed and I never forgot that lesson. And I have never stolen another thing in my life. My daughter has been a compulsive liar as long as I can remember but I do not remember one time making her suffer consequences for that, In fact, a lot of times even when I knew she was lying I couldn’t prove it so I just either gave up her gave her the benefit of the doubt.When she began stealing, she was stealing from me and again I would just cry and wring my hands and ask her why, but no consequences. I actually made it pretty easy for her to steal from me, just like she did this last time, because I handed her the debit card pretty much knowing she was going to steal from me. Because that’s what she does.When she began shoplifting I hired lawyers to get her off. So I’m wrong. It was not all on her. She may have lied and stolen, but I let her get away with it.