I had it, I had it, I had...bad fight in house last night!

[BusynMember]

A little background. Hub and Jumper are really close. Hub will never take my side over hers. If her and I are daughter/mother bickering, he will say, "will BOTH o you stop it!" She listens to him a lot better than to me. In fact, of late, she doesn't listen to me, just him. Last night I told him to tell her to get her homework done before she can go to her basketball game tomorrow night. After all, we are fighting the school for services and Jumper needs to do her part. At first he was on his computer and didn't want to get off. He said, "Can't you tell her?" I said, "Well, she doesn't really listen to me as well as you." He stood up, angry, and as he walked up the stairs, with both Sonic and Jumper able to hear him, he said, "Oh, I"ll tell her just to shut up your nagging!"

Now this is something he often says in front of both kids. Sonic will still listen to me, but Jumper is starting to take my requests with a grain of salt and I feel it has A LOT to do with how husband treats me in front of her. Like I'm just a pesty peer. Usually I deal with it. Last night I lost it.

When I say I lost it, I really lost it. I take a lot and then suddenly it all erupts. I yelled (I know, not good) and told hub that she disrespects me because he does (right in front of the kids. I know. Not good). But I was furious...I'd had it. I told Jumper that if she liked, hub could do EVERYTHING for her, including fight for her school interventions, cooking, cleaning. I told her she had no right to talk to me like I was one of her friends that she was irritated at. She was crying, and normally that breaks my heart, but I didn't care. I told hub that I'm tired of how he disrespects me to the kids and that I wanted to spent Christmas in Illinois without him and Jumper (and I meant it). Normally, talking this way would make me feel so guilty I'd want to jump off the cliff. Well, it's the next day and maybe I should feel guilty, but I still don't. I"m still just ANGRY. Lately Jumper won't even listen to me if I tell her to pick up a piece of paper that she dropped on the floor. If hub tells her the same thing, she does it right away. So he is disrespectful to me in front of her, yet he gets angry that HE has to discipline her and that she won't listen to me. DUH!

I made an appointment with my therapist for 3:00. I called hub and told him that if he wanted a marriage, he'd have to show up. Now I'm thinking of bringing Jumper too. Sonic is home sick. He threw up this morning and didn't sleep all night. I know it's because he was upset over all the yelling in the house. He's the only one I feel really badly for. I think I may give him an early Christmas present, one of his games, so that he has something else to think about.

Hub is not a bad person. He just does not get how his derogatory comments about me to Jumper impact HER actions toward me, and he gets ticked that she won't listen to me and doesn't see his contribution to it.

I am quite ready to take Sonic and leave. We'll see what happens after the meeting. If Jumper comes with she may not get back in time for one of her cherished basketball games. I DON'T CARE. in my opinion, she needs to realize that family is more important than basketball.

I hope I didn't just ramble. I'm not sure this post made sense. Thank you for reading the vent.

 

[DaisyFace]

MWM--

O this sounds familiar! This used to be househould EXACTLY. And husband never saw it...

He, too, would do the "Both of you, stop it!" and sometimes, he would (I almost don't know how to explain it) get us mixed up. Like he would say something to difficult child and think he said it to me and vice-versa. It really contributed to making difficult child "too big for her britches" and extremely disrespectful toward me.

I also did the "I'm running away and taking DS with me" speech for him. That was an eye-opener.

But it wasn't until we got a therapist working with the whole family that he saw and really understood that what he was doing was wrong and making the problem even worse.

It sounds like visiting the therapist is the right thing to do...

 

[smallworld]

I'm really sorry. I hope your therapist is able to help your whole family this afternoon.

Hugs.

 

[AnnieO]

MWM - hugs. I know exactly how you feel. And wonder of wonders, once husband started backing me up... The kids respect me more. (Specifically Onyxx. Jett is terrified of me - thanks to BM. Sigh.)

But you are on the right track, sweetie.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

(((HUGS))) I feel your pain and I hope they both wise up for you!!!!

 

[Bunny]

I hope that the appointment with the therapist goes well. The husband's in our lives need to understand that we need the support and back up from them in order to get through to our kids sometimes.

Pam

 

[Alttlgabby]

Sounds like she got what she wanted...she pitted you and husband against one another. I'm sorry that your husband is so disrespectful towards you. I think I would tell him that **** ends and it ends NOW or you will no longer cook, do his laundry, or anything else for him...that he is on his own until it does end. That is so wrong! Good luck at your therapy appointment!

 

[BusynMember]

I feel like HE pitted HER against me by telling her, "Well, you know mom nags so you have to..." but anyway we saw a therapist today. She was pretty good. He is supposed to stick up for me ALL THE TIME in front of her and, for now, he is going to be her only disciplinarian as I am too angry at both of them to be much good. I warned him that if the disrespect continues, I am gone. He said he didn't want me to leave, so we shall see.

Right now, just thanks for listening. I'm way exhausted and am doing some comfort eating that i"m sure I'll regret.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im sorry MM. That stuff happens and dont feel bad for yelling. It happens in all families. We dont live in Hallmark cards or Norman Rockwell pictures.

 

[Marguerite]

That sounds like the tantrum that had to happen. While I don't condone yelling in front of the kids, and I do agree, your son's reaction is classic (we have had similar problems due to stress in our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids) I really hope that the end result is productive. You had to do/say something, and perhaps this was the only way that was going to work, given all you've been trying to do while being undermined.

I've often said, sometimes things only work when you break the rules.

The problem is - you can't use this as a strategy. If you do, it's bad. But a boil-over like this as a last resort when you don't normally do this - it can work. It's the shock effect, "Mum never does this - it MUST be bad!" that gets results. But more than once, and it desensitised them, and you've lost your advantage.

Now you have to follow through and make some choices in how you manage. What will you continue to do for them? What do you require from them? Keep them accountable for agreed actions.

Marg

 

[Jena]

I"m so sorry that happened and yea yea while yelling infront of kids is very bad and iknow i've done it with that being said our frustration levels sometimes over fillith the cup we forget to empty. talking from experience here

i'm soo glad you were able to get an appointment tell him to go, i hope he did and nailed him on pitting you in my opinion he did. i had a similar thing happen to me. it bites and yup our kids if they find one tiny loophole they go for it. my old marriage counselor used to say united front infront of kids especially difficult child's...

good luck hope it went well dont' beat yourself up for blowing. it was bound to happen. try not to hold so much in, dont' be like me over expressive 24/7 lol, yet you gotta have those talks with hey your upsetting me can't u see what your doing?? i often find also until the man gets infront of the therapist with whom says it to them and connects the dots they do not see it.

((hugs))

 

[Shari]

hugs

 

[Marguerite]

So how are things now? Are they still walking on eggshells around you and doing what you want? (good, if so)

How are you feeling now? How is your balance? Do you feel more controlled again?

And how is husband with this? Is he following through and facing up to what he has been doing? He may simply have not been reaiising it, but he has to face up to how he's been handling thins because I do get it, it makes it so much harder for us when this happens and it is just not fair.

Now the flare-up is over, is time to consolidate on any progress made, and move forward more quietly and effectively.

I hope it's coming together for you now. And that even if husband is still not fully on the page, the kids have worked out how they've been following his lead inappropriately, and not been fair to you.

Marg

 

[liz]

((HUGS!!)) Hope it gets better soon! So sorry you are having to deal with this.

I really need a family counselor myself. It is so tough dealing with these kids sometimes, especially around the holidays!!

 

[BusynMember]

Things are much better today. Hub and Jumper wrapped all the presents. All three of them (hub, Jumper and Sonic) cleaned the house. Then I took Jumper shopping and we got something for hub for Christmas. She doesn't seem angry. She isn't normally difficult child-like except for the horrible trouble she has in school and her propensity for sticking up for people she feels are wrong, even if she has to tell of authority figures to do it. She doesn't swear or hit anyone. She just speaks her mind (cringe).

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

It's a very stressful time of year. I don't think it's uncommon for people to have a blow-out around the holidays. You hit a threshold and then that's it. husband and I had a fight (I yell and he stares at me) the other night although I did manage to do it late at night after the kids were asleep. A human can only take so much. Also true for the spouse units. They get stressed, too. People often relieve stress by a snotty comment although that increase stress in others. Anyway, sounds like things calmed down a bit even if all the issues aren't resolved. I hope you can put it behind you and find some joy in the holidays. Best of luck to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Glad things are better for now. To me it sounds like a blow out that needed to happen. I know it always feels bad to lose your cool and of course saying the same stuff calmly works better but the important thing is it all came out. You were clear, you got validation from the therapist. Your daughter saw you stick up for yourself from his disrespect. This is a good thing. When a spouse does not support you or disrespects you in front of the kids they not only learn that they don't need to respect you but they learn that it is ok to treat your partner like that, or to be treated like that. That is not a lesson you want them to learn.