I have a question on Custody....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Aug 23, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I wasnt going to ask question here anymore but something came up and I feel I really need to ask someone who might know, you all. Yes, I need a lawyers help but this is Sat for one! My son for those of you who dont remember or know, is now 8 years old, switching medications and them to be soon upped, diagnose is ADHD and Sleep Issues but he also has ODD but Dr wants to wait to see if the medications help before diag him with it on paper because ADHD can have same symptoms as ODD. Still getting further testing done. Current pills are Clonidine o.1 mg total 2 pills a day ( One pill half in am,half at lunch and one full for sleep, violence and in aide with the ADHD also takes Daytrana Patch 10mg but not helping so next visit Dr said upped to 15mg.

    Anyways in a nutshell for his past/present= violence, threats, attitude flips like a light switch from happy to angry still, adhd is pretty much all the symptoms that I wont write you all know them. And all the times I wrote. But the times hes in a great mood and the pills are helping, he is the most fun, talkative,loving,smart child who you would swear was his opposite twin! ( 2 for one special ha sorry Im just kind off in panic mode and trying to relax.. did I mentioned I not only have some white hair but white hair on my eyebrows? Yikes... Im not even 40 yet!!!!)

    Heres the question, my sister is just like my son ( not adhd though) but undiagnosed and will be moving home soon. How will this work? Im already stressed and my hands are full with my two kids, ill dad and grandpa and still looking for work. Yes, two houses still. Yes I have put my kids first. But my sis has no where to go, no job etc but her and my son are the same. Im scared their dad will go for custody once my sis has an issue. My kids tell us everything that happens ( at least they tell him everything I do) so what can I do? Theres no money to get her own place. I love her and the rest of my family but my kids are first.. Im still trying to find the right everything for them first. Also, this house still belongs to grandpa and he says she will live her. I have no where to go and If I move my kids out, I lose this house that was promised to me for my kids upon the passing of granpa.
  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Oh, I wasnt sure where to put this since the question was about custody but yet because of sis? Sorry if it should of been in parenting? I been here long enough, I should know :p
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I just went thru a custody battle with my son (he wanted his son 50% of the time and his ex wanted full custody with son only getting EOW...which is short for every other weekend). I also read divorce sites studiously. His ex recorded hours upon hours of phone conversations between the two of them fighting and filed for full custody calling him a narcissistic and a control freak and not in J's best interests.

    What I learned is that her tapes were worthless. Nobody...not the GAL, not the court mandatead psychologist and not the judge cared about what they said to each other. They didn't care either that ex had started seeing her husband while married to my son and ran off with him, leaving son behind for a month. None of that mattered one wit.

    What ended up mattering was what is called, questionably, "The best interests of the child." This actually is rather twisted, in my opinion, but in general these are things that are considered the most in all states. Fights between you and ex and what you say about each other is disregarded. Nobody cares.

    The child is almost always awarded to the parent who has had primary custody most of the time. If, like you say, their dad visits only when he feels like it, he has no prayer of custody. The school also is huge. If the kids would be yanked out of their school that their used to and the away from the friends and activities they are participating in, the judge will rule not to move them out of that district. Many fathers who want 50% custody move to the school district, which helps them a lot, but still doesn't guarantee 50% custody, which is the standard in most states, IF both parents have been involved from the start. Who lives in your house and who lives in his house are legal strangers to the child and, unless they are convicted child molesters, will not affect the case. However, on the other side, Judges want BOTH parents involved in the kids and most likely would award him some parenting time. If he doesn't use it, that's up to him, but once it goes to court and the Judge signs it, it is your law.

    I doubt your ex will go to court because then he will have to pay you child support, unless you make more than him. It is taken out of his paycheck by the state.

    On the flip side, if children are not doing well in school (school is huge) it can be considered a red flag to the judge, GAL, psychologist. Especially if they are not attending school regularly, that can cause you problems is your ex wants to be righteous and bring it up and say, "I will make sure they go to school every day. I will work with the teachers." Blah, blah. My son was lucky...my grandson is a very good student with excellent behavior which made the Judge, the GAL and the psychologist assume he is well-adjusted and that the status quo of 50% was best for this child and his ex lost. She's far nuttier than 36 could ever be and 36 truly loves his son. But that's beside the point. These are the things I learned.

    It is not easy to change custody. Your ex would have to come up with a significant change of circumstance and wanting to get back at you doesn't count. If he wants to say your sister moved in and flame her, I don't think that will count either unless she is a convicted child abuser. If he dosen't have a lawyer, he is toast. You don't win going pro se. Period.

    I don't think, from what I've seen, heard and learned that this man can get custody away from you. First of all, I doubt he'd get a lawyer. They aren't cheap. My son had to borrow $30K or more from my ex to pay for his battle. A custody battle is long and involved if it is contentious and guess who pays for the GAL, the psychologist that the court may mandate, and every e-mail your lawyer sends? YOU DO! If your husband doesn't have a rich uncle, relax. He's all talk and he honestly doesn't know what he's talking about. Neither did my son or me when we first started out.

    By the way, there is legal and residential custody. My son and his ex share joint legal. They do use ex's address, an error my son regrets, but it doesn't mean that much.They live close to one another.

    Just go on with your life. I don't think your ex has the fortitude it takes to go through a custody battle. My son barely survived it. It is extremely brainbusting and expensive and you get shot down a lot. My son's ex bawled like a baby when she lost what she had wanted to happen. Your ex should have no influence over you and I have taught my son to go silent on his ex. They only speak on a court mandated texting thingy (not even sure what it looks like) called Wizard. Every time they post, the GAL and psychologist can read it. They do not talk on the phone. They do not e-mail privately. They do not have contact with each other any other way. She still puts crazy demands on him on the Wizard. He doesn't answer and the court mandated psychologist told him that he doesn't have to. He can raise his son, while he has his parenting time, the way he likes and she can do what she likes on her time and they can't tell one another how to do it.

    Your ex has been threatening you for a long time. He is full of hot air.

    Personally, I think it is too bad your kids have to deal with yet another crazy relative, but it won't affect your custody battle, if you ever have one.
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2014
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you, I know I asked a question before but everything is coming ahead now, some things have changed so I was curious. I know you mentioned about custody and your sons child before when I asked Im so sorry that cost so much! Its sad that it has to be a battle and one cant present the evidence and its decided! Im glad it worked out for your son and Im glad your grandson is doing well too. Yes, I know my ex is always threatening me and the other mother for custody but nothing so far. He has the money for the lawyer its just if he feels he gets enough reason like when sis moves in etc. Its just the added stress ya know? I love my family but their health is going down hill as is mine, and I cant let that happen, my kids need me!

    I again thank you so much!
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Honey, he is not going to get custody just because your sister moved in. Try to relax about that. He may get visitation, but it sounds like he has that and doesn't use it, which looks awful to a judge. You're in a good place for keeping custody. I hope you have a super-fantastic day :)
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you MidwestMom I worry because my sister is like my son, when mad very violent, threatening etc.. even said shed help him get custody when shes mad!! Make up stuff etc too. When shes here she gets upset if we or the kids have company over because shes not very social. So, I guess Im just tired of all family for different reason blah!! Yes, we also have Joint Custody where Im custodial hes non custodial. He doesnt come around much. Thanks, hope you have a great day too!!!
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The Judge isn't intersted in your sister or what she has to say. Unless she has video recordings of you abusing children, it is hearsay. I doubt he'd even listen to her. My son's ex brought a slew of family witnesses and not one was called. The Judge never wants these custody battles to go to trial and petty family fights just annoy them. They are also VERY smart. You don't think he'd figure out that Sis is a bit crazy? But she isn't the issue. There would be only two issues: you and their birth father. Everyone else is moot unless a convicted child molester. Since Daddy never visits his chidlren, he will never get main custody of them. Doesn't work that way. Also, as an aside, having a great looking house, big yard, good neighborhood and a nice car don't make one bit of difference either when a Judge rules custody. The main thing is status quo...what are the children used to. Who has taken care of them and been the main caregiver. It is very pro mother up North and out in the far Western and Eastern states, and more 50/50ish in the southern states, but in no state is it really favorable to the father over the mother.

    Your ex is just trying to scare you. My son won't even talk to his ex anymore. I think that's wise. Why even listen to him belittling you when he's not there for his kids?

    Hugs and relax. Have a good day.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Don't put the cart before the horse. He can threaten all he wants, but getting it into court is another $5,000 matter altogether. In the meantime, keep calm and carry on.
  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank You both!!!!

    MidwestMom, I know your right. You and others here told me I had a lot on my plate and I do, well, Im changing that. Im sick of drama as all my same ole rants! Id love to come on here and talk about work or recipes!!! A hobby!!!! Im just really overwhelmed and tired but, I once again made some decisions. Anyways getting back on subject I see your point and I thank you again!

    witzend,Thank you too! Very true and I personally dont feel up for a court battle nor is there reason for one. My kids are well taken care of, happy in their schools, overall healthy, go to doctors and have food etc, more importantly their my babies and I love them beyond anything. Of course I am trying to spend equal time with both ( my daughter being a teenager is when she decides to lol)