I have HAD IT with my difficult child!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jal, Jul 31, 2008.

  1. jal

    jal Member


    I could kill him. This is the 2nd day in a row that I have been called to pick him up. He is killing me. Why can't this kid behave for a couple of hours? Yesterday by coincidence husband was home when the call came at 2:30 - right after my great meeting with SD on getting a para to assist in daycare. Now it's 9:30 - the darn kids been there for less than 2 hours and proceeds to throw dirt and sticks into the face of one of his teachers (in front of parents, none the less). So now of course it is coming to the point of this klid looking sideways at someone and getting sent home. I am going to end up losing another daycare (this will be the 4th). I have already lost a job of 9 1/2 yrs because of him and have only been at my new one for 7 months. Thank g*d my mother is retired and is able to get him today. He did fine when going to 1/2 day kindergarden and the rest of the day cat daycare, now that it's full time until school starts, the damn kid is pulling cr*p the past few weeks.

    I can't say this is because of the medication wash as he was acting up before I started it. We go over the rules EVERY morning, I tell him I don't want a phone call-he loses priviledges everytime I get one then can't understand why he doesn't get this stuff when he gets home. He them proceeds to SCREAM and SCREAM and SCREAM and cry over it. I am beyond wits end - why the h*ll can't he just be NORMAL.

    I hate every aspect of this damn life. I swore to myself I would never ever have kids and then around 27 my biological clock thingy kicked in and I went back on my word and this is the h*ll I have ended up with. Every aspect of our day is dealing with his bull from the moment he is up until bed. I am consumed by doctors and therapists and daycares and IEP meetings and medications and work and the $ spent to help him. I can't even throw a b-day party for him because I am sure no one would show - kids love him but I am sure all the parents know how he is. WHY the heck can't he control his actions? No medication is helping him to do it - I know there is no magic pill, but I swear because of him I will be dead fairly soon. EVERY time the phone rings at work my heart jumps into my throat. WHY WHY WHY? Can't he just BEHAVE?

    I am sorry I needed to vent because I am sitting here at work trying not to cry and scream at the top of my lungs! WHAT DO I DO with-HIM?
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey Hon! I know how you're feeling. I lost a job of 14 years because of the b.s. with preschools. I haven't been able to go back to work because of all the b.s. with regular schools.

    I find it interesting that he kept it together for 1/2 day kindergarden but can't keep it going in camp. You know what I think? There are 2 dynamics going on here.

    1. Even if it's 1/2 day, kindergarden is structured. He knew that he would get in, hang up his things, go to his table, take out his book, say the pledge, etc. In camp, a lot of it is all casual and fun. He may crave the structure to help keep himself together. If he has ANY sort of anxiety issues, it could be that his brain is looking for the comfort of "ducks in a row". Once he doesn't have that sense of predictability, he ruptures and craves the structure of home. Once the para is set up, you may want to sit down with her and give her a plan of action to follow. Even if it means she has to structure "free time" for him.

    2. difficult child 3 would throw a hissy fit everyday at school. By the time she was in first grade, I was told that if I was not going to be within a 1 mile radius of the school, they would call the cops and ACS if I didn't get her immediately. It was a flippin' nightmare.

    Consider the 1st dynamic and see if that might help.

    Believe me, I used to walk out of my office with keys stuck to my head because I was banging it against the keyboard by 10:00 every frickin' day!

    Feel better! (You're not the first one that wished they could give 'em back you know! - I think if you took a poll, just about everyone on here would admit that they thought about it once or twice!).

  3. Christy

    Christy New Member

    been there done that I also gave up my job due to difficult child. Daycare was a nightmare (eventually hired a nanny) and even after difficult child got to full day school and I was able to get home in time for the bus, I missed tons of work due to psychiatrist appts, therapist appts, trouble at school, etc...

    Our difficult child has put us through the wringer. We have completely turned our lives inside out for this little guy and so far, it's not helped. Our son was adopted by us through the foster system at age four, and I will admit that as we deal with one crisis after another, it is easy to fantasize about how easy life would be had we not signed on the dotted line! We even had the chance to "try before your buy" so to speak and we still did it! If I had it to do again, I can't say that I would. HOWEVER, that being said, we love our son as I am sure you love yours! During the time that my difficult child is at psychiatric hospital, husband and I should be enjoying the peace but we are miserable without our son! It is funny how one perspective changes during a time like this.

    It is good to vent and I understand your feelings completely. I hope your SD meeting went well and you receive some support that makes things ewasier.

    Good Luck,
  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You are not alone. I can so relate to your frustration. This job NEVER ends. I too am sick of the doctors, therapists, hospitals, medications, sws, ieps........and so on.....!!!! I wish I had some advise, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sending {{{{HUGS}}}} and good thoughts your way. Hang in there - YOU ARE A WARRIOR MOM!!!

    God bless. :)
  5. jal

    jal Member

    Thank you for all of the support. Yes I do love him but I don't know what to do with him.

    I have contacted his psychiatrist and he thinks that we should probably hospitalize him. Not so much for the medication wash, but for the explosive behavior. Unfortunately, psychiatrist is leaving for India tomorrow night but assures us he can be in contact with the hospital. (he is very good about maintaining contact when he's there).

    Gosh, should I do this? We went to do it last yr but he wasn't quite yet 5 so they would not take him. Can they get the right combo of medications to quell this explosive behavior? My husband is so upset he had to leave work and called me crying as I am at work fighting the tears-having to deal with-psychiatrist outisde on my cell so no one hears all this. UGH!
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I have always been very good with kids. Even as a young teenager, kids were begging their parents to get me to babysit when they needed one. In fact, I remember going to one job for the very first time to sit for people I had never met before. As I was talking to the adults, one adult was holding a baby. I put out my arms to offer to take the baby and the baby came to me. The parents were amazed. This child would not go to ANYONE even other relatives that she knew. I babysat my good share of difficult children and had many frustrating evenings but overall, I did love all the kids.

    I had people tell me that I should have lots of kids because I was so good with them.

    I married when I was 26 and had my first child when I was 27. It didn't take me long to announce, "Why in the world did I ever think I wanted kids?" easy child was born with an attitude. I knew right away that this was NOT what I had signed up for. I absolutely hate being a mom on more days than I want to admit.

    While reading your post, I also thought about nvt's input. I was also going to suggest a more structured day care. It may also be worth trying to find an older teen who can work one on one with difficult child in a structured schedule. To find one, check to see if there are any teaching Sunday School. You can also call a Girl Scout troop leader - however, be very careful of anyone saying, "Oh, my child can babysit." I find that there are many parents looking for babysitting jobs for their chldren who really are not cut out to babysit. Always offer to set up an interview to see how the teenager reacts in your home with difficult child and if you feel he or she can follow you directions. Maybe give a simple test of, "Can you go into the kitchen and get a drink of water for difficult child? The glasses are _______" Notice how comfortable/confident the teen is and which glass is chosen to give difficult child, how full is the glass of water and how does the teen offer it to difficult child?

    Anyway, I do think your difficult child is probably overwhelmed with a lot of activity going on around the area. When a program is very structured, everyone is doing the same thing and difficult child knows what to expect.

    And, I totally understand how you feel, been there done that and am sure will Be There Do That again soon.

    Hang in there!
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Your post snuck in while I was typing mine.

    A psychiatric hospital would be super structured and should work with difficult child on coping skills that are age appropriate. It may be the break you all need?
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon. From my experience, people expect too much from medications. As somebody who needs to be on medications myself, I can tell you that while they can help, it can take YEARS to get both the medications AND the diagnosis right. Your little one is so young that there is no way to really know if he's even getting medicated for the right things. No, this isn't good news, but I lived through ten years of trials of medication myself (and several wrong diagnosis). My son also did. This is not an exact science. Nor do I believe your son WANTS to misbehave. I believe he is out of control and ill, with either a brain disorder or a neurological disorder or both. I don't know if a hospital will help. You don't either. You can try it. I'd be more apt to do what worked best for me and my son--try to get in to see a neuropsychologist. They are the ones who take the best, most accurate guesses at what is wrong primarily because they really test intensively.
    I hope you can keep your job. It is very hard to work when you have a child who acts out. I think the best way you can prepare for him NOT to be kicked out of camp or school is to get him into special education until he is diagnosed correctly and/or stabilized. Special Education programs make allowances for behaviors that regular school rooms and classes won't. If he is so out of control, perhaps he can get an aide. They can be very helpful. You may want to post on Special Education 101. There are camps as well as summer school for atypical children who need additional care. He does not seem able to function at camp. He knows the rules--like you said, you tell him every day. He just CAN'T follow them, for whatever reason. He needs somebody shadowing him until you can get him evaluated and helped more than he has been. My opinion about a teen babysitter or even an adult who doesn't understand "acting out" kids is NO. Not only will the poor caregiver not have a clue and probably quit fast, but she could think you are abusing the child and may report you. On the flip side, we never really know our sitters. The sitter could lose it and abuse him. He really needs a person who understands him. I babysat for a kid who had an "ADHD" diagonosis (but, if it was ADHD, it was the worst case of ADHD I've ever seen). He could get very violent, no matter how gentle and calm I was with him and finally even me, Warrior mom, gave up. I couldn't do it. I was way over my head with him, and I am an experienced mom with an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) child. Anyone on the teen sitter this is JMO.
    I also personally am not on board with a Psychiatrist only. I like the neuropsychologist in there too. They tend to pick up things Psychiatrists miss. Good luck.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2008
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. been there done that.

    I agree, that he needs structure, and a spec. ed program. A regular camp or school doesn't know how to deal with-this kind of thing.

    Also, in reg. to medications, I agree that finding the right medication can take yrs, but in the meantime, I'd work with-an elimination diet (see if he's allergic to something that triggers him) and with-your own attitude. Detach, detach, detach.

    Easier said than done. (Especially since my son is at camp!) But it will save your sanity.

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Andy, I love your kid story. :)
  11. jal

    jal Member

    Thank you all. Midwest Mom - we had neuropsychologist testing done last summer. They agreed with psychiatrist diagnosis of mood disorder. We have been dealing with this since the age of 2 - 2.5. I have been through psychiatrists, behaviorists, psychologists, neurologists, neuropsychologist. He has an aide in school. I just got them to approve an aide for daycare (yesterday). Yes, the daycare is not as structured in the summer like they are during the school year. I am thinking hospitalization may offer some respite for us and him and maybe help to begin to straighten him out. It is so hard not knowing what is exactly or maybe exactly wrong. He reacts horribly to stims but has no focus on or off of them. I was getting ready to try an elimination diet too. UGH!
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, hon. You are definitely not alone. Miss KT's antics are why I substitute teach...no set schedule.
  13. Bugsy

    Bugsy New Member

    I completely understand too. Our stories are very similar.
    I hate giving advice because the more I think I know the more I know NOTHING.

    Just wanted to say that I resisted and resisted hospitalization but did it March 6th and even though I HATED IT, FELT SICK TO MY STOMACH AND WAS WORRIED BEYOND WORDS CAN EXPLAIN, it was the best thing for him. He was in-patient for a week and out-patient for 2 weeks and the structure was a big help while they worked on his medications. My son did not like it but dealt with it and knows he came out feeling much better. He also knows that it is something he does not want to do again. We told him that if he has to do it again it is okay because he will come out feeling better, but he now tries hard to not go back.

    Every child is different and yet we all feel the same pain and worry.

    It is so unfair that when each of us laid down that special moment to make a baby we all said something silly like "I hope he has your nose. I hope she has your eyes. Maybe she'll be a dancer or he'll be a doctor."
    Noone said "I hope he is filled with bursting, uncontrollable emotions. I hope my life is so difficult that I cry more now than as a child. I hope I have to rely on the warmth and support of strangers on the internet all around the world."

    Well, thank goodness we do have each others stories and support.

    Wishing calmness to all,
    Bugsy's mom
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2008
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can relate to the endless meetings and appointments. I'm sorry your difficult child is struggling so much right now. If the psychiatrist is feeling he may need to be hospitalized as hard as it is it may be the right thing to do right now. I may be wrong but it seems most psychiatrists won't suggest hospitalization unless they feel it is really needed.

    Sending gentle hugs your way.
  15. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    One other thing to consider:

    When difficult child had his 1st therapist appointment, we were told, "I can only see you once per week. If you feel you need more support than that, then you should consider a psychiatric hospital which has several levels of treatment from day programs to inpatient."

    Do you need direct support more than the amounts of times you can get into your docs now?
  16. jal

    jal Member

    Thank you everyone.

    Andy-I do feel I need more support than I currently have. I am just so unsure of what to do. Will they take him in even if he is not having an episode at the time. Last time we went to do this he was calm and they wouldn't take him because of his age. Now he is of age and he has these few emotional outbursts which can be huge. Yesterday he threw dirt in a teachers face, threw chairs (even 1 at my mother when she came to pick him up), tried running from the classroom, bit, scratched, kicked and hurt a teacher.

    Can I just go to the ER of the psychiatric hospital my psychiatrist recommended and get him in there (which is what I was told to do) with-o psychiatrist helping with-arrangements? Will they take him in based on his history and the fact that he is on medications? I hate to got to a long intake to find they won't even accept him - can anyone tell me how to get difficult child admitted if he is not in the middle of an episoe?
  17. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    You can take him to an ER during an episode. doctor there will evaluation and arrange admit to psychiatric hospital. Your psychiatrist is aware that you are considering this need. He will not always be available when you do go to ER. I would take to ER and call psychiatrist. Let psychiatrist know what led to the ER visit and ask for a call back for his input on the events.

    As for admit without an episode, your psychiatrist may be able to help with that otherwise it would take an evaluation session at the psychiatric hospital.

    When my difficult child was admitted, our therapist had stated that I either take him to the ER or I call psychiatric hospital ahead of time for an admission appointment. We were only 2 blocks away so I just drove to the psychiatric hospital. I asked for an appointment but when they saw how upset difficult child was (threw up in waiting room), they took us immediately for an evaluation. He was determined to meet criteria of inpatient.

    I would think that the ER route will also involve a lengthy intake process.
    Any way you go, there will be a lot of paperwork to complete as info is gathered for an assessment.

    In my case, I would call the psychiatric hospital and ask for an appointment with the intake person to discuss concerns and learn the process.